My husband is getting, nasty, paranoid and controlling since my gastric bypass

[LoosingFaith]

Last year I had a gastric bypass and have lost a lot of weight. My H was amazing, he cared for me just like he always did. But most recently he is becoming controlling. He moans or goes in a mood when I say I want to visit my friends, or I have been invited to see my friends. It's getting to the point now where I have to ask him for his permission!!!

Today he over saw me talking to my friend and became annoyed as he thought we were bullying an old friend which was non of his business. He got up and just said. I'm moving out with my son. I don't have feelings for you anymore. We will get a divorce. I asked if he was being serious he said yes. Then half an hour later before he act like nothing had happened. I just walked out of the house as I was so upset. He text saying he didn't mean it. He wanted to make me feel bad for bullying an old friend??? Apparently he loves me with all his heart and doesn't want to lose me. I think he is so paranoid. He always says I'm texting and he's asking me what I am doing. I am step mum to his son. He also said all this Infront of him. He's getting so paranoid and controlling. He has no friends apart from the ones at the pub. Where as I go to see mine and we do things. He always wants to do stuff together. He then makes me feel guilty. It's not the first time he has told me he doesn't love me anymore. Then next minute begs me to forgive him. Please help

Your family are part of the reason you grew up to accept this kind of behaviour. It is kind of predictable that they would push you to stay in a bad marriage. I suggest shutting them down by saying things like "It's not about chances or changes or working at it any more. We've been doing that for years. The love has gone. I can barely stand the sight of him now. It is definitely over. I don't want to talk about it."

Your family don't have to live your life. Do what is best for you. You've overcome the toughest hurdle - leaving, don't forget why you did that.

Do what’s best for you your family don’t have to live with him

Thank you guys. Your thoughts really help me. Currently still left. He's sorting his benefits out. But he's still texting me constantly.

Great work. You've 100% done the right thing. Don't reply to any of his texts etc- block his number unless there are practical things you need to sort out, in which case talk solely about them.

Your family don't know what day to day life with him really felt like, so their comments are irrelevant and annoying. If you'd fallen out of love with him, that's enough reason to leave in itself.

Have you told your family you're not in love with him anymore? To me that's a good enough reason to end things, even without his abusive behaviour, and I would answer any argument from family (or anyone else, him included) with just that. It's not fair on either party to carry on a relationship when you don't love them they way you should love a partner so it's a difficult reason for anyone to argue with, might just close down debate and give you some breathing space? Like the break-up version of the grey rock technique.

You sound like you're questioning yourself less (despite pressure from all angles by the sounds of it!) which is good, and more confirmation that you're doing the right thing. Now you need to protect yourself from allowing others to make you doubt yourself so you need to be making healthy choices for you when it comes to who and what you listen to. Limit contact with those who can't support your 'I just don't love him anymore' stance and start thinking about putting boundaries in place with him too, you can't keep allowing him to emotionally dump on you when you're trying to heal yourself. I would suggest a cut-off point where you provide him with an email or third party contact for essential communication about house/finances/stepson and then block him on everything else.

Keep at the forefront of your mind that he caused this, he effectively killed your love for him with his behaviour and that's entirely on him. You have to do what's right for you now and no one has the right to tell you what that is

Sorting his benefits out, hes not that heartbroken is he.

Why haven’t you blocked him if he’s continually texting. You have no children together. As for family they didn’t have to live with him.

Please beware his mask will slip and he’ll become abusive again.