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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

My husband is getting, nasty, paranoid and controlling since my gastric bypass

108 replies

LoosingFaith · 11/01/2020 15:49

Last year I had a gastric bypass and have lost a lot of weight. My H was amazing, he cared for me just like he always did. But most recently he is becoming controlling. He moans or goes in a mood when I say I want to visit my friends, or I have been invited to see my friends. It's getting to the point now where I have to ask him for his permission!!!

Today he over saw me talking to my friend and became annoyed as he thought we were bullying an old friend which was non of his business. He got up and just said. I'm moving out with my son. I don't have feelings for you anymore. We will get a divorce. I asked if he was being serious he said yes. Then half an hour later before he act like nothing had happened. I just walked out of the house as I was so upset. He text saying he didn't mean it. He wanted to make me feel bad for bullying an old friend??? Apparently he loves me with all his heart and doesn't want to lose me. I think he is so paranoid. He always says I'm texting and he's asking me what I am doing. I am step mum to his son. He also said all this Infront of him. He's getting so paranoid and controlling. He has no friends apart from the ones at the pub. Where as I go to see mine and we do things. He always wants to do stuff together. He then makes me feel guilty. It's not the first time he has told me he doesn't love me anymore. Then next minute begs me to forgive him. Please help

OP posts:
KatherineJaneway · 11/02/2020 03:02

Because you provide for him and his child totally I suspect. Are you sure he's crying about the end of the relationship or the fact he won't have your income to support him?

katy1213 · 11/02/2020 03:02

I'd let him try living on benefits.

hellsbellsmelons · 11/02/2020 06:16

Ahhhhh. The crying and manipulation because he's losing his meal ticket.
How did you ever get into this situation?
The abuse will come back.
Time to take back control of your life.
He's a cocklodging nasty bully.
You know you deserve better.
Get out there and enjoy life.
This guy will suck the life out of you.
Run.

PerkyPomPoms · 11/02/2020 06:23

Leave him. The spark has gone.

Weffiepops · 11/02/2020 06:45

He's emotionally abusive and like other posters have said, he'll behave for a while, then he'll get a lot worse. End the relationship, you deserve happiness

kalinkafoxtrot45 · 11/02/2020 06:50

Sounds like it is over. It really does.

willowmelangell · 11/02/2020 06:55

Time apart has given you fresh eyes to look at the relationship.
All his crocodile tears and fake promises add up to nothing.

He couldn't keep his word for a month. He has not changed. It is proof that he is using you. What is he doing while your sds is at school?
He can move out and apply for benefits again.
Is he still saying he wants a child? Be careful. A child will not fix this, but it would enable him to stay at home for another 4 or 5 years.

Whatnameisgood · 11/02/2020 07:11

Please don’t bring a poor innocent baby into this sorry situation! Best of luck sorting it out. I hope you find someone better

FuckYouChrisAndThatHorse · 11/02/2020 07:42

Ignore his assurances, the truth is in his actions. He Is currently on best behaviour, but he promised he would change over and over again. You know he hasn’t changed. You know you are just waiting for him to do it again, whilst he is just waiting for you to relax so he can stop trying so hard.

He will never be who you want him to be and if you have a baby with him, he will get so much worse because you will be trapped with him.

Leave him. It is not your fault that the relationship hasn’t worked. Relationships sometimes don’t work out - that’s not a failure. You will still feel sad, you will still need to grieve for the relationship you hoped it could be but he was never capable of being that person. This is who he is, he has shown you the truth, he will get worse.

Bananalanacake · 11/02/2020 08:08

Yes. Tell him he gets more benefits if he's on his own, so really you're doing him a big favour.... Or he could get a job.

puds11 · 11/02/2020 08:36

Why do I feel so guilty? Why do I feel like the end of the relationship will be my fault?

Because he’s emotionally abusive. He won’t change. You don’t go from being really jealous to fine in no time. It’s an act. Move on, you won’t regret it.

SeaViewBliss · 11/02/2020 08:44

It doesn’t matter whether or not you have changed since the weight loss. If you are unhappy you don’t have to stay in the relationship.

He started this by being controlling and jealous. That isn’t your fault.

You can be so much happier.

Original poster
LoosingFaith · 11/02/2020 09:11

How do I go about this? I'm so scared.

OP posts:
hellsbellsmelons · 11/02/2020 09:26

Move out again.
Tell him you don't love him any more.
You've lost all respect for him.
You want a life without him in it.
You are sick of him taking all the time.
You are sick of supporting him and his DS.
Make it very clear that this is OVER!!!
It's not easy but you have to do it OP.
For your own sanity.

You get one shot at this life.
Stop wasting on this cocklodging, abusive fuckwit!
Time for YOU now!!!
Get out there and enjoy your life.
(I seem to have written that a lot today)

GilbertMarkham · 11/02/2020 10:12

Sorry to be so blunt but it sounds like he thought the only reason you were faithful to him wax because you were fat and had no other options.

That's some core, high level insecurity and negativity.

Unless you go back to being fat (which you obviously shouldn't), it sounds like he's going to be perpetually insecure, controlling and blowing up and threatening to end your marriage. This sort of personality and behaviour doesn't often change. You haven't seen that he's like that before because you were heavy and he perceives you as no cheating threat, he probably thought you were lucky to have him and he was in a position of power.

The going off sick, not being enjoyed etc has probably exacerbated his insecurity and feeling of power loss (thought it would have been there anyway).

Ime these sorts do not change, I'm sorry.

I had similar with an ex includinv the explosive, extreme ending of the relationship (not followed through) , and he said he'd "try" during several sit down talks about his behaviour; he didn't, he couldn't.

GilbertMarkham · 11/02/2020 10:13

*not being employed

GilbertMarkham · 11/02/2020 10:21

You have nothing to feel guilty about, you haven't ended the relationship, he has with his unreasonable (abusive actually) behaviour. You got into and stayed in the relationship in good faith, you took on his son, you've proved for both of them after he went off sick/unemployed, you've not done what he's paranoid and insecure about you doing (cheated or anything inappropriate) and you've given him several chances. .. all you've done is take a step towards improving your health and age, and instead of being happy for you and supporting you, he's abusing you because he can't deal with you looking better (by our cultural standards) and having more confidence.

He's a little little man who can only be secure with a partner he perceives as unattactive/lower than him.

It's not your fault, you've just discovered what he is and unfortunately it's not pleasant and it's not tenable for a healthy relationship.

GilbertMarkham · 11/02/2020 10:21

Wish I could tell you he's stop/change with counselling but I really doubt it.

GilbertMarkham · 11/02/2020 10:29

*health and image

LowerLoxleyAmbridge · 11/02/2020 10:35

I have lost 140lbs and it has certainly changed the dynamics in my relationship....

Really you don't get to be morbidly obese without there being massive emotional issues being kept down by all that food.... "Its not what you are eating, but what is eating you" as the old saying goes.

Instead of looking at it from the perspective of you becoming a different person post weightloss and whether he can cope with that, I'd think about it in terms of you being less able to repress your real feelings, your real capabilities and possibilities in life now you do t have the sophoriphic effects of the food lulling you to sleep through life...

Honestly if you met this individual now, what would you admire /find exciting /feel passionate about them for? How do they match up to your passions/interests and ideals...... Would you pick an unemployed manipulative tantrum prone bloke as a good potential father for your child?

GilbertMarkham · 11/02/2020 10:38

For reference, my ex's blow ups were about me socialising without him (esp at night which he thought had greater cheating risk) and he also had a massive blow up about me going on a break without him/with friends. Even if a social outing I did without him didnt cause an explosion/argument, I was aware of feeling stressful anticipation of one plus it almost always lead to.him zeroing in on things I said about the social outing and nit picking over them/criticising me/upbraiding me about them.

Besides the social outings , he suggested I should set up in business online of his outbuildings - which at the time I thought was supportive and nice - but in retrospect I wonder if it was at least partly about isolating me from the workforce where he saw another cheating threat as I work in a male dominated industry.

These guys' characters and how they think seems to be formed early, deeply ingrained and rarely changeable.

GilbertMarkham · 11/02/2020 10:43

If you were to stay with him, I'd also worry he'll see having a child as a way to tie you down, "neutralise" you etc.

GilbertMarkham · 11/02/2020 10:44

And you'd be doubly trapped, feeling you couldn't leave because he's your child's dad etc.

Original poster
LoosingFaith · 11/02/2020 10:49

Thank you for all your replies. I still feel a massive part of guilt. And I am so afraid to sit him down and tell him this. Especially since he trying to hard with me.

OP posts:
StormTreader · 11/02/2020 10:55

One person trying really hard can't keep a relationship going when its over, regardless of how much they want it or how much theyre "willing to change" in the second that the conversation is happening. A relationship has to be between two people where both of them want to continue with it.

You ending a relationship is not punishing him unfairly, if its broken then you staying in it is punishing YOU unfairly.