My husband is getting, nasty, paranoid and controlling since my gastric bypass

[LoosingFaith]

Last year I had a gastric bypass and have lost a lot of weight. My H was amazing, he cared for me just like he always did. But most recently he is becoming controlling. He moans or goes in a mood when I say I want to visit my friends, or I have been invited to see my friends. It's getting to the point now where I have to ask him for his permission!!!

Today he over saw me talking to my friend and became annoyed as he thought we were bullying an old friend which was non of his business. He got up and just said. I'm moving out with my son. I don't have feelings for you anymore. We will get a divorce. I asked if he was being serious he said yes. Then half an hour later before he act like nothing had happened. I just walked out of the house as I was so upset. He text saying he didn't mean it. He wanted to make me feel bad for bullying an old friend??? Apparently he loves me with all his heart and doesn't want to lose me. I think he is so paranoid. He always says I'm texting and he's asking me what I am doing. I am step mum to his son. He also said all this Infront of him. He's getting so paranoid and controlling. He has no friends apart from the ones at the pub. Where as I go to see mine and we do things. He always wants to do stuff together. He then makes me feel guilty. It's not the first time he has told me he doesn't love me anymore. Then next minute begs me to forgive him. Please help

How come he is on sick leave? Is it mental health (could dramatically change opinions)

Oh god, OP, do a runner as fast as you can. He's awful.

Summoning a picture of my lovely husband in front of me and imagining him pulling a petty strop and throwing his wedding ring at me. I can honestly say I would take it off him. He can earn the fucker back.

Sorry but I'd have sent him packing when he said he doesn't love you anymore. Even if he does actually love you saying that is nasty.

Blimey op, he's jealous, insecure, nasty, aggressive, treats you like shit and you even support him financially. Can I ask why?

Look tell him to wind his neck in. If his behaviour doesn't change the relationship will end but you're not putting up with it any more.

And as per any ultimatum you need to mean it. Don't be asking his permission to go out. Text as you wish. And most people wouldn't think you were having an affair, just some mumsnetter who like to victim blame and think everyone is shagging if they have a social life.

Get it dealt with.

OMG don't be a doormat.

Pack his bags (or yours) and run as fast as you can.

Why doesn’t he work? So her or us you to provide for him and his DS who is what age? but regularly chucks his wedding ring at you, I’d be chucking it back and him out the door. Manipulative arse is what he is.

*expects not her or us 🙄🙄

Move out. Leave.

He has issues with his health but not mentally. Due to me earning just above the freshold for benefits we are entitled to nothing apart from marraige tax allowance. His son is 10 but I have brought him up since he was 5. We are married for 1 year and a half. Whilst at work he has been texting continuously saying he is sorry and the ball is in my court. He said he doesn't need to see a doctor and promised to never say anything like that ever again. I'm constantly drained. I'm trying to better myself and my health but mentally he is breaking me down. This is supposed to be our most exciting year. I'm no longer morbidly obese and we were planning on having a child. Write now I just want to curl in a ball or just run away. I feel so alone. I'm not a fitness freak and yes I post comparison pictures on social network sites to show my friends and family how far I come. I most certainly do not talk about it all the time. I just feel lost. He can be so loving and I love his son like he is my own but had enough

Oh dear Op, what a nasty, manipulative, spiteful individual you're married to.
I would be telling him to go, it's not going to get any better is it?

From reading on here, the power games he plays with you to maintain control will only worsen if you get pregnant. You'll truly be tied to him and he can let more of himself show.

It sounds like he is pushing boundaries.

Check out Why Does He Do That? By Lundy Bancroft. I suspect you'll notice aspects of your 'D'H in that pages.....

He could always do the Everyman Project to become less verbally caustic to you. Show he is willing to change. His promises are fairly vacant by the sounds of it.....

Is he fit to work or has he been signed off. How long has he not worked. I understand you, I would really resent a fucking lazy man sponging off me. And go out when you want. You don't need permission.

Don’t fall for all this ‘ball is in your court’ rubbish. It only means if you end the relationship he can blame you and say you threw him out etc. Given how he has treated you, you don’t have much choice really as he’s certainly not going to get any better. The ball is in his court, had he not been so awful to you then all would have been OK.

I lost a fair bit of weight a few years ago, and gained a LOT of confidence. My then-DH really resented it, and while it wasnt a major cause of our marriage ending, it certainly contributed to it. He is very overweight himself, and i think was jealous of me achieving something he couldnt manage. He also didnt like that i started wearing nicer, colourful fitted clothes, rather than the shapeless body-obscuring tents that id hidden in before.

If you still love him, tell him so. Be very clear that even though you've changed on the outside, you havent changed on the inside.

If you are doubting your feelings towards him, dont bother reassuring him. Is he really the best you could do, or was he just the "best" when you felt fat and frumpy and unattractive?

For starters, regardless of your weight, you shouldn't have to ask permission to see your friends and he shouldn't be controlling or over seeing telephone conversations. This is abusive behaviour.

I'm afraid we see it time and time again in drastic weight loss, he sees it as his role has changed. You are no longer the overweight, sad person who probably relied on him. You are now more confident. Hel

I don't have any solutions for you. But congratulations on your weight loss

Op, you need to talk to him and make it very clear this stops, if you're not wanting to end it now that is. Any repeat and it's game over but you won't be treated this way. He's a nasty bully. He's trying to isolate you as he's worried you will leave him for someone "better".. Clearly when you were obese he didn't think you could. It's a nasty, nasty mindset.

He sounds vile! You said he didn't work? So what financially does he provide?

My Dh also had surgery last year and it hasn't changed the dynamics at all, like it has you. But tbf lots of other things have changed because of it. It's hard to describe. I think people underestimate it.

He doesn't provide anything he is a house husband. I work full time. We had a chat last night and he said he thinks I'm cheating but this is fuelled by how attractive I am to other men and my change in clothes, I now wear dresses on occasion. And I am more confident. I told him I'm not and his controlling behaviour has to stop. He agreed to try. If not I will have to go alone

Ok guys. It's been a while. But a couple of weeks ago I couldn't take it anymore so I left to go to my dad's for a week. He cried. Begged me not to go. now I came back a week later. He cried his eyes out and told me he will never hurt me again. He hasn't done since but since being away from him I realised I don't have the connection we did before. I think I am falling out of love. I'm so worried about ruining this family. I need advice.

You made a mistake going back. You are not the one ruining the family. Leave and live your life.

Advice: be very careful to use an effective form of contraception. It would be a huge mistake to try to conceive a baby with him.

My prediction is that he will be on best behavior for a certain period of time, just to keep you in the household. Then, after a few months, he'll start the verbal abuse again.

OP this sounds like my DH. It's uncanny. He turned out to be the worst emotional abuser. He was similar to yours before I had my DC. Then immediately after she was born he became a monster.

He went on to inflict the worst abuse possible. When I tried to leave, he resorted to physical abuse. I am in refuge now.

Please don't do what I did. Don't go back. DONT have a kid with him. He sounds like the one where the mask is starting to come off.

@PepsiLola great retro typo.
Tbf op, he sounds like my abusive brother in law who was a literal feeder because my sister was so stunning he couldn’t handle it. He’s not faithful either. She’s isolated herself from most of our family and loads of friends. Everyone knows what he’s like.
He’s not working. You’ve changed your life for the better and have a great social life. You just have one thing left to change...
Well done on weight loss too, I’m desperate to lose weight but I just don’t know how (struggle to exercise due to disability)

Why do I feel so guilty? Why do I feel like the end of the relationship will be my fault?