Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

DH talks to me like I’m shit

124 replies

ubersuper · 09/01/2020 18:40

Does anyone get this or can anyone throw light on why he does this or is it normal in a very long marriage? He’s always done it but it got worse with the stress of kids. If I try and talk to him, raise topics eg dinner conversation about wondering if I should buy a new book I fancy...his responses are curt, grumpy, moody in tone. Like a headmaster a bit? Does anyone understand what I mean? It’s very subtle but it’s constant. For example I envisage the conversation should go
Me: “shall I go to Waterstones or WHSmith to find that book do you think?”
Him: “do what you want”
It’s like that with every topic I raise, in whatever way or form I raise it. I end up backing off the conversation and shutting up because it feels like an aggressive type response. Plus he looks at me with a non smiley, resting bitch face while he’s saying it. Like you would if you were a teacher who was pissed off with a student. There’s never any positive happy interaction. Regardless of time of day or what I talk about. For example his response could have been “oooh I don’t know. Hope you find it. Wonder if the main character gets killed in the end” you know, a chit chat?
Am I making any sense?
I just feel ground down by it. I don’t want to hug him or have sex with him because he’s not laughing or being nice to me! I feel like I’m being dismissed! I just don’t know if I can live like this for the rest of my life! I’ve tried raising it with him before but he walks away furious and it escalated into being my fault/problem...he’s done nothing wrong. And no he hasn’t done anything wrong. But it’s eroding my self confidence or self esteem. I grew up in a “can’t talk about anything house” any conversation or questions were met by dismissal or fury or upset by my parents. I just want somebody to be nice to me and respond to me in a fun, kind, positive manner! Am I being ridiculous here!!!

OP posts:
m00rfarm · 09/01/2020 18:41

No. You’re being bullied. Can you get rid of him?

ubersuper · 09/01/2020 18:43

Why is it bullying though? He’s not starting anything. He’s just being non enthusiastic. I’m struggling to understand. I know I’m finding it difficult to now know my worth or interact with other people outside my marriage because I’m anxious or anticipating a non nice response

OP posts:
Sparklfairy · 09/01/2020 18:43

He views you with disdain. Does he initiate sex much?

ubersuper · 09/01/2020 18:44

I’m hoping somebody might be able to give some tips on how to manage it or phrase to say to nip it in the bud when it happens

OP posts:
Louise000000 · 09/01/2020 18:46

I ended my marriage last summer and one of the reasons was due to very subtle ways that dh would speak to me over the years and I just got to a breaking point. It's not too much to ask that the person you are with invests energy into you and into the relationship, that's basic effort I'd say!

ubersuper · 09/01/2020 18:46

No he doesn’t initiate at all. He used to grope my boobs or shove his hand down my pants with sexual comments like “I fancy a bit of that” but I pulled him up on it (which went down like a lead balloon) so he then completely distanced himself.

OP posts:
ubersuper · 09/01/2020 18:47

I agree @Louise000000

OP posts:
SeaViewBliss · 09/01/2020 18:47

If this was happening between your DC and a kid in school, doesn't it sound like a form of bullying?

I don’t think looking for strategies to manage is the answer. You need to explain to him how his behaviour is making you feel.

You deserve so much better.

Dozer · 09/01/2020 18:48

Consistent negative reactions like that and / or ignoring can be bullying.

He’s treating you badly. He could change that anytime he liked: nothing much you can do can make him. Suggest couple’s counselling and considering your options.

123testing · 09/01/2020 18:49

Give him a taste of his own medicine. If he asks you for advice use the same tone and manner he speaks to you and if he doesn't like it then tell him it's no diiferent to how you speak to me.

Dozer · 09/01/2020 18:50

He did WHAT to try to initiate sex?

That’s horrible.

User43742 · 09/01/2020 18:50

In the kindest way possible, why are you with someone who treats you so poorly? He doesn’t seem to have a lot of respect for you judging by your op. Can you put up with this for the rest of yours or his life? I’d stop trying to instigate conversations with him and emotionally detach until I felt I could leave or he dealt with the issues.

ubersuper · 09/01/2020 18:50

I’ve tried explaining though. I’ve tried writing it in an email. Whatever I do is met with denial and avoidance and then it gets worse

OP posts:
unbaffled · 09/01/2020 18:51

Does he speak to other people the way he speaks to you? No, didn't think so. He speaks to you like that deliberately, which is rather nasty of him.

ohwheniknow · 09/01/2020 18:51

And no he hasn’t done anything wrong

Yes he has.

He's deliberately crushing your self esteem and confidence. It gives him more control over you.

There are no magic words we can give you to change his behaviour. He is choosing to mistreat you and to teach your children this is normal.

If you genuinely can't understand why posters are describing him as a bully then maybe have a look at the Freedom Programme course. Www.freedomprogramme.co.uk

AnyFucker · 09/01/2020 18:53

He has zero respect for you

That is all

FinallyHere · 09/01/2020 18:53

I'm sorry you are going through this. He doesn't sound very nice. Sometimes, people are so horrible that they are beyond a bit of gentle management.

denial and avoidance and then it gets worse.

That sounds serious, how bad does it get 'at worst'?

Dozer · 09/01/2020 18:53

Presumably he treated you well while dating/ living together / married? So he could change back to that anytime: he is choosing not to bother.

You’ve told him how you feel, he’s continued. This suggests he doesn’t value or respect you. Important that you value and respect yourself.

ohwheniknow · 09/01/2020 18:54

Whatever I do is met with denial and avoidance and then it gets worse

Because this is how he wants things. It gives him power over you. The more you blame yourself, the more afraid you are to speak, the worse you feel about yourself the more power he has over you.

It won't change if you stay. This would be such a horrendous legacy for your children's futures. Growing up traumatised and thinking it's normal to be treated this badly by people who claim to love you.

Strongmummy · 09/01/2020 18:55

What are his plus points ? Confused

pallisers · 09/01/2020 18:56

OP he doesn't like you or value you at all. Why are you living like this? Living on your own would be far nicer. He is supposed to like you, love you, enjoy your company. He doesn't. Why are you with him - he sounds awful.

Dozer · 09/01/2020 18:56

This kind of nasty behaviour that you might think is “subtle” and minimise can be VERY obvious and visible as nasty to friends / family / acquaintances.

I know a lot of men doing nasty things like this in public, sadly Sad. Which means they’re probably much worse in private.

HollowTalk · 09/01/2020 18:57

Do you have a good reason why you're with this guy, OP? He sounds rude, unpleasant and miserable. The way he approaches sex is just horrific.

HeyPesto55 · 09/01/2020 18:57

Oh, OP. Sounds soul destroying.

Does he talk to anyone else like this? What job does he do? I ask because I have known people like this in very stressful jobs (life and death type). And until they switch off, they are rude and horrible to those who are in the firing line.

Is he an introvert? Does he do small talk with other people? When did he change towards you?

No excuse, not acceptable but some people can deal with stress in strange ways.

ubersuper · 09/01/2020 18:57

I’m just trying to understand what’s going on. Why he responds the way he does to random/general dinner type conversation. A couple of years ago we went through a really bad patch and I said I wanted to separate and he promised to try and he is. On the surface. He’s pulling his weight with the kids and housework but he interacts with me like I’m a housemate? Plus the difficult conversation style. We can’t talk about plans or the future or any chit chat type stuff unless he’s had a smoke or a drink and it’s on his terms. I don’t think I’m explaining myself very well. I guess I’m trying to work out if I’m being over sensitive.

OP posts: