DH talks to me like I’m shit

[ubersuper]

Does anyone get this or can anyone throw light on why he does this or is it normal in a very long marriage? He’s always done it but it got worse with the stress of kids. If I try and talk to him, raise topics eg dinner conversation about wondering if I should buy a new book I fancy...his responses are curt, grumpy, moody in tone. Like a headmaster a bit? Does anyone understand what I mean? It’s very subtle but it’s constant. For example I envisage the conversation should go
Me: “shall I go to Waterstones or WHSmith to find that book do you think?”
Him: “do what you want”
It’s like that with every topic I raise, in whatever way or form I raise it. I end up backing off the conversation and shutting up because it feels like an aggressive type response. Plus he looks at me with a non smiley, resting bitch face while he’s saying it. Like you would if you were a teacher who was pissed off with a student. There’s never any positive happy interaction. Regardless of time of day or what I talk about. For example his response could have been “oooh I don’t know. Hope you find it. Wonder if the main character gets killed in the end” you know, a chit chat?
Am I making any sense?
I just feel ground down by it. I don’t want to hug him or have sex with him because he’s not laughing or being nice to me! I feel like I’m being dismissed! I just don’t know if I can live like this for the rest of my life! I’ve tried raising it with him before but he walks away furious and it escalated into being my fault/problem...he’s done nothing wrong. And no he hasn’t done anything wrong. But it’s eroding my self confidence or self esteem. I grew up in a “can’t talk about anything house” any conversation or questions were met by dismissal or fury or upset by my parents. I just want somebody to be nice to me and respond to me in a fun, kind, positive manner! Am I being ridiculous here!!!

He doesn’t love you.

Sorry I know that’s harsh but it’s the truth. There is no real love here so he treats you like shit. Not fixable, so you’re really asking him to hide it. Sadly what’s the point of staying like this?

You’re not oversensitive. You’ve UNDER reacted.

So there were additional problems before.

I get what you’re saying @123testing but I don’t want to be that person. I want to live a happy, cheerful, authentic life and have laughs with my kids. I’m finding myself snapping unhappily at my kids because I’m so unhappy and feel like I’m a worthless nobody. I used to be so upbeat and positive but years of being spoken to like an employee who isn’t meeting targets has worn me down.

Have you asked him how he is? I can be like your husband is being sometimes and my SO asks me if everything is okay because I'm acting differently, it might mean he doesn't initially do or say anything differently but he will become more conscious of it next time he does talk to you that way? Everyone is different but I find that openness and honesty always ends up being the best way to tackle moods

What are you getting from this relationship?.

The only acceptable level of abuse in a relationship is none.

No you are not being over sensitive. You are being abused by him and have been for some considerable time. You've become worn down by him and his abuse of you and this is where he precisely wants you. He wants you worn out and coercively controlled. His actions are about power and control; he wants absolute over you.

He does this because he can and he feels entitled to do so. What did you learn about relationships when you were growing up?. Did your dad treat your mother like this?.

What do you want to teach your DC about relationships and just what are they learning here from you two?.

Does he tell you you're being oversensitive? Because they all say that.

You are massively under reacting.

It's not fair to force your children to live like this.

Yes he says I’m over sensitive and if I get upset I’m crazy or it’s my hormones. There’s never any heart to heart or resolution. He talks to the kids like he’s a hero and they adore him and everybody in our lives thinks he’s wonderful and charming. He’s brilliant and supportive and incredibly magnanimous...but not to me. I don’t know why he married me to be honest!

I think you need to plan to leave. If he's OK with the kids then he'll be fine to have them to stay with him at times. You don't have to sacrifice yourself.

I bet some of them see through him. When he routinely treats you this way, the mask will slip in front of others.

Uber

re your comments that I have separated out:-

"I want to live a happy, cheerful, authentic life and have laughs with my kids"

This scenario will only happen when you are free of his abuses of you and in turn your children.

"I’m finding myself snapping unhappily at my kids because I’m so unhappy and feel like I’m a worthless nobody".

That was his aim all along. To isolate you and make you feel useless.
How do you think your DC feel about their lives at home; its really no sanctuary for them either.

"I used to be so upbeat and positive but years of being spoken to like an employee who isn’t meeting targets has worn me down"

He treats you like something he has stepped in; he does not speak to work colleagues or infact anyone else like he does with you. His main aim with you was to wear you down to a point where you cannot even countenance leaving him because you feel so useless. But it is never too late to leave. Abusive men like this also like what they see as strong women because they see them as an additional challenge to bring down to their crass and base level.

Your DC are being affected and markedly so by they seeing you as their mother being abused. Would you want them to have a relationship like yours; no you would not. Its not good enough for you either. You cannot protect them fully from them seeing this abuse of you within their home, they are aware that things between you and dad are bad.

With regards to splitting, it would mean I’d be completely on my own. My family are hours away and I have no support system here. It will be lonely and I’d lose my kids half the week. Whichever way I look at it, it’s pretty bleak. I don’t make friends easily due to low self worth/confidence. People just don’t take to me. It’s fine, it’s always been the same. I’ve got a handful of long term trusted friends but the nearest is 3 hours away. It’s a death sentence to be honest. I guess I just poke up with it until the kids have left home and then I can move back to family at that point.

Why would you ask his opinion on where to get a particular book?

Stop making conversation, see what happens if you give him no opportunity to put you down. That could be interesting....if a little quiet.

Or just end things, which might be easier. The respect has gone.

I’m struggling to see it or justify it as abuse though. Talking to somebody moodily isn’t abuse is it? There’s no physical stuff. It’s just tone of voice which sounds a bit pathetic on my part when I put it like that. I think I’m sensitive because of the way I grew up. I thrive on kindness, love and positivity.

I asked his opinion because I’m trying to make dinner time chit chat. Or it would be silence. I’m raking the bottom of the barrel in an effort to find non confrontational topics so our kids can experience normal chat. I guess.

Why are you assuming he’d have the DC 50% of the time? What’s your current set up with work and parenting?

Emotional abuse.

www.healthline.com/health/signs-of-mental-abuse#emotional-neglect-and-isolation

We share parenting and there’s no reason why he couldn’t have that. It absolutely would have to be fair. The kids adore him and if I take them away then they’ll end up leaving me/resenting me. He’s already the hero so if I restrict access then I’ll end up losing them at some point. If not now then when they’re adults.

Chat to the kids, they love you, they'll enjoy it.

You're not being over sensitive, but unfortunately it's not something you can fix through finding the right response or handling it better. I'm so sorry, many of us on here have gone through the 'what can I do to fix this/ deal with it/ survive it route. '

John Gottman research in this area identifies that contempt in marriage is almost impossible to come back from. I would add ( from experience) that you can sometimes change the way that the contempt is expressed but its like building sand barriers against the tide...it always comes out another way.

The only change you can make is in you... counseling by yourself will help.

💐

That’s a very negative chain of thoughts, and very unlikely to happen. Far more likely that the DC know how he treats you and who is really there for them. Hero worship isn’t a healthy dynamic for them.

Being fair to him - OK. But he’s not being fair to you at present.

It is abuse. Coercive control is about the wider pattern of behaviour.

Will you look at the Freedom Programme? I mean, if you want to understand why wouldn't you? Unless you don't want to face it?

You're kidding yourself if you think it's in your children's best interests to grow up in an abusive home with an abusive father and a mother who snaps at them all the time because she's so broken from years of abuse.

Yes he says I’m over sensitive and if I get upset I’m crazy or it’s my hormones

This is the abuser's script.

OP you show little understand of domestic abuse and guess what, most people do.

You're in an abusive relationship. Your husband grabbing your breasts and shoving his hand down your pants is sexual assault and it's a crime.

Chipping away at your self esteem, talking down to you, criticising you, stonewalling you etc etc are all abusive behaviours designed to enact power and control.

You said yourself that you are miserable and living with him has eroded your self esteem - that's because you're in an abusive relationship with someone who despises you. He is putting in the bare minimum to staying the relationship and your bar is so low due to lack of self worth, you think it's all your deserve as you beg for crumbs.

There are so many red flags in your posts.

I have a few suggestions for you. First is to get some counselling for yourself if leaving the relationship seems overwhelming right now. Don't get relationship counselling as it's never advisable to get counselling with abusers. Just get counselling for yourself in order to raise your self esteem. You can check out BACP for therapists.

The second suggestion is to gather information on separation and divorce. You don''t have to divorce, just work out what will happen if you do. You can take a look at the CABx and Gingerbread websites which are very comprehensive and have all the information you need. Gingerbread has an advice line you can call with any questions.

Another suggestion is to have a think about being less isolated. Move back to where your family are or somewhere you have a social network because isolation is a killer and when you only have an abuser to reflect you, it does untold damage.

Btw, most people thrive on kindness, love and positivity.

Meant in good humour but to make a point- start a conversation with the wall! And do it in front of him!!
Because all that keeps springing to mind when I was reading how he talks to you is the film Shirley Valentine!

But in all seriousness just ask yourself one question- can you live like this the rest of your life?

Ahhh there's that bloody word "adore" again with regards to your children.

They infact do not adore him so much as fear him because they see his abuse of you. My guess is that they are very quiet and compliant around him and are becoming hyper sensitive to his abuses of you.

I’m worried that my boyfriend has a clone that I wasn’t aware of!
I don’t think anyone here can really give you advice because it’s how you feel and how you respond to it. My boyfriend is like that but it doesn’t bother me in the slightest, it’s something I make jokes about in front of him to people and he will maybe sigh or roll his eyes. Or when he does it I will say oooooh you’ve got your grumpy knickers on. Sometimes if I’m not in the best mood it might bother me and then I will snap but then he will act like it’s my problem, in a way it is! It’s me that has the issue with it, I can’t expect him to change his personality because I want him to be different - if I need him to change for me to be happy then I’m with the wrong person.

The part that bothers me is the sex bit, because for me I need that jokey/cuddly moment to feel like I want to try it with him, but because he isn’t like that then I never instigate it. He does try it sometimes but not as much as I would like.

For me, as much as I get annoyed I am happy with him and I do know he loves me and stuff. You need to assess how you feel and how he feels about you. You could try asking more open ended questions maybe to see if that helps?

I know you said you don’t make friends easily, do you have and hobbies you would be interested in starting, maybe like a class or a sport? That way you already have common ground with people and if you go regularly you can slowly get to know them.