DH talks to me like I’m shit

[ubersuper]

Does anyone get this or can anyone throw light on why he does this or is it normal in a very long marriage? He’s always done it but it got worse with the stress of kids. If I try and talk to him, raise topics eg dinner conversation about wondering if I should buy a new book I fancy...his responses are curt, grumpy, moody in tone. Like a headmaster a bit? Does anyone understand what I mean? It’s very subtle but it’s constant. For example I envisage the conversation should go
Me: “shall I go to Waterstones or WHSmith to find that book do you think?”
Him: “do what you want”
It’s like that with every topic I raise, in whatever way or form I raise it. I end up backing off the conversation and shutting up because it feels like an aggressive type response. Plus he looks at me with a non smiley, resting bitch face while he’s saying it. Like you would if you were a teacher who was pissed off with a student. There’s never any positive happy interaction. Regardless of time of day or what I talk about. For example his response could have been “oooh I don’t know. Hope you find it. Wonder if the main character gets killed in the end” you know, a chit chat?
Am I making any sense?
I just feel ground down by it. I don’t want to hug him or have sex with him because he’s not laughing or being nice to me! I feel like I’m being dismissed! I just don’t know if I can live like this for the rest of my life! I’ve tried raising it with him before but he walks away furious and it escalated into being my fault/problem...he’s done nothing wrong. And no he hasn’t done anything wrong. But it’s eroding my self confidence or self esteem. I grew up in a “can’t talk about anything house” any conversation or questions were met by dismissal or fury or upset by my parents. I just want somebody to be nice to me and respond to me in a fun, kind, positive manner! Am I being ridiculous here!!!

If you force them to live like this you'll lose them as adults anyway. Have you not seen all the posters on here who are broken and can't understand why their mothers forced them to live in an abusive home?

Abuse is not about physical violence. It is about power and control.

Sometimes abusers use physical violence when they feel like their power is slipping away, but your husband has got control of you without that. Complete control.

What did you learn about relationships when you were growing up?

Refusing to answer questions or engage is stonewalling

Stonewalling is one of the highest predictors of divorce there is as is contempt.

I would look into this area more so you can understand more what it is he is doing

Life is way too short to live with someone like this.

OP everyone thrives on kindness, love and positivity, and that is not a lot to expect of a partner. I am not sure your DC really think he is as much of a hero as you seem to think. They must hear the way he speaks to you, and it doesn't sound like there is a great atmosphere in the home. I suspect you would all be much happier if you split.

Christ he’s done a number on you hasn’t he.

You can have a happy life without him.

He has zero respect for you, and in turn you don’t have any respect for yourself.

You don’t have to live like this.

How are your children learning how to be good happy humans? Do you think they don’t know you’re unhappy?

I'm so sorry op. He sounds really horrible. I couldn't live with someone treating me that way.

It’s not that clear cut though. They adore him because he’s super clever, funny and indulgent with them. He’s kind to them! That’s what makes it worse. I can see the difference so starkly. It’s why it’s so confusing. They aren’t going to understand why I would leave and I can’t go back to family because that will make me the villain. I’m going to have to build up my life here but how the hell I do that at my age, with zero energy and low confidence I don’t know!

I don’t think they know I’m unhappy. I try really really hard around them. I suck it down and suck it down as much as I can.

I eventually left my exP who treated me like this. Turns out he was sleeping with someone else which coincided with his grumpy manner and lack of interest in me. It’s a lot nicer not living with someone who is mean to you.

Yes they can see yours unhappy.
You might think they can’t. But they can.

Also they see how he talks to you. And to them that’s normal. That’s what’s happening in your house. This is their normal.

Their dad treating them amazingly and their mother with contempt and their mother hiding her sadness is totally normal for them.

How old are your DC?

You are making a lot of negative assumptions that would be unlikely to turn out that way.

You could make a better life where you currently live, living alone with the DC. Get legal advice, investigate money and housing options, make a plan. Go for 70%* custody.

He’s not clever OP. He’s actually quite stupid.

Do your kids really idolise him? Or are they simply trying to avoid being treated the way you are. Children placate bullies from self protection.

Why he treats ypu like shit and Mr wonderful to everyone else here

He’s being condescending and passive aggressive. Yes it’s bullying Op. look up on the internet passive aggressive people and the signs and that’s pretty much what you are dealing with. He’s being an arse without admitting or directly saying arsehole things.

It ground me down in the end too.

It’s not that clear cut though. They adore him because he’s super clever, funny and indulgent with them. He’s kind to them! That’s what makes it worse. I can see the difference so starkly. It’s why it’s so confusing. They aren’t going to understand why I would leave and I can’t go back to family because that will make me the villain. I’m going to have to build up my life here but how the hell I do that at my age, with zero energy and low confidence I don’t know!

No. They have also been trained to act in a certain way around him, to keep him behaving like that. It is what children do, and it is what you are being trained to do as well. To keep him on side, to placate him by acting as if this is all normal. He is doing it to alienate you from your children and your children go along with it because they don't want him to behave the way he does with you.

It would be good to tell yourself that you CAN tell your children that 'daddy loves you but he and mummy are not making each other happy and so they need to live apart.' A child can understand that perfectly well and does not need to even have an opinion about it.

They will still have their relationship with their father as before. You are not standing between them and their father in any way if you separate. It isn't a contest and they will not be judging who is winning, or comparing you. Children do not think like that. You are their mother and the pivot and rock of their lives.

Your head has been thoroughly messed up by your DH so that you even doubt yourself as a mother.

I really feel for you OP. It’s a horrible feeling to feel trapped like that due to lack of confidence and lack of social support. I totally hear where you’re coming from.

From what you’ve told us, it sounds like your husband is not invested in the relationship for its own sake - his behaviour, as others have pointed out, indicates contempt and a lack of respect. Of course it’s difficult to clearly identify when you’re interacting just with him all the time and it’s ‘just’ a tone of voice and ‘just’ a lack of interest. It’s subtle and if he insists on denying it then it’s difficult to pin down and address. It sounds like he’s not very good at articulating his own needs assertively and is quite passive aggressive. He certainly doesn’t sound happy - and that’s not your fault at all. Please be assured you are not being over sensitive and you are not imagining things. And there is not a certain tone of voice or topic of conversation that will make him more agreeable. He owns his own behaviour.

It sounds like your self-esteem has taken a hit from some of the experiences you’ve had, and being in a relationship where you’re not appreciated will not help that. Would it be an option to find a counsellor it therapist for support with this? Many will offer lower rates if you are on a lower income (I know it can be expensive). You could also look at local support groups and organisations. It sounds like the key thing that will make a difference is finding support.

Lack of confidence and social isolation can really be a vicious cycle, so seeking support in a safe setting would be something I’d prioritise. It sounds like you might feel more able to address the relationship once you feel more supported yourself, and confident that this support would continue following a breakup.

It’s easy to say ‘just leave’ but that can be a very overwhelming step in one go, especially if you’re in a place of low confidence. There is a way out of this situation, although it may seem to difficult to manage at this point. Feel free to send a message if you want to chat - you’re not alone! Sending

Do you witter at him? To be honest, if you asked me whether you should buy your book from WHS or Waterstone's, I'd be thinking, WTF, why should I care? Especially if I was tired after work.
He doesn't sound very nice, though. Maybe you should get out and find adult conversation elsewhere.

I can see the difference so starkly. It’s why it’s so confusing

Its actually clear as crystal.

He loves them - he doesn't love you.

He like them - he doesn't like you.

That's the difference.

The only reason he's still there is cos he doesn't want to only have them 50% of the time either. Has that not occurred to you???

You are not being over sensitive. He sounds horrible. My DH has been similar in the past when stressed or down, and it creates an awful atmosphere, made me question our relationship and made me miserable. We were able to talk about it though and move on and it's stopped. If he won't recognise it's even happening what can you do with that. You need to leave him if he won't make changes to talk to you like he actually Ioves you.

Pending that next time he does it would just give him a sharp "do not talk to me like that" and leave the room. Do it every time he does it. Do not get drawn into an argument. Tell him you have no interest in discussing in but if he continues to talk to you and look at you as if you are a bit of dirt under his shoe you will leave him.

I get what you’re saying @katy1213 but that’s not what I asked him. I just made that up as an example because if I write the real conversation it’s very outing. I also said it’s not just that once. If it was once I wouldn’t on here! It’s been like this for 10 years! Tone of voice etc. I’ve had the employer/employee conversation with him in so many ways lots of times. I’ve also begged him “all you have to do is be nice to me” it’s the derogatory tone and cut off type thing. I feel like I’m being shut down. If I said “oh look at the sky it’s so blue today” he’d say “I think you’ll find it’s turquoise” whatever I say is never responded to in the manner of “yes absolutely brilliant, I agree” it’s ALWAYS him correcting or disagreeing. I don’t always have to be scientifically accurate surely! Like if I said to the kids “oooh look at those sparrows they’re flying upwards” his response would be “they’re swallows and they’re not flying they’re gliding” I hope I’ve explained it a bit better.

@AttilaTheMeerkat I had very poor role models. Non verbal father who only ever snapped at me or responded negatively and a very emotionally desperate, volatile mother who was furious if she was challenged in any way at all.

I sometimes find it physically shocking when I’m out around a married couple and I see them holding hands and chatting. Just chatting and living life. I find it alien as I don’t recognise it and I find myself starting to hyperventilate if I’m near people like that because it’s overwhelming and I just want to sob with sadness and frustration. I don’t know how to have that!

Just read back your posts
I mean they’re fucking depressing and I don’t have to live in your household. So god knows what it feels like to be there.

So he NEVER does that to the children. If the children say the swallow is flying he would never correct them and say it’s gliding?

Try an experiment. Just stop talking to him about anything not practical. Don't have these conversations, talk to the kids instead. Or if they're in bed, sit in silence - so be it. Deny him the chance to be like this to for a few days and see how he reacts.
My prediction is that he will say something along the lines of 'what's up with you, you've been really moody lately' because he'll have noticed the change but he'll have to blame it on you. It will be instructive though to see that that is actually the point of him being like this - finding fault.