DH talks to me like I’m shit

[ubersuper]

Does anyone get this or can anyone throw light on why he does this or is it normal in a very long marriage? He’s always done it but it got worse with the stress of kids. If I try and talk to him, raise topics eg dinner conversation about wondering if I should buy a new book I fancy...his responses are curt, grumpy, moody in tone. Like a headmaster a bit? Does anyone understand what I mean? It’s very subtle but it’s constant. For example I envisage the conversation should go
Me: “shall I go to Waterstones or WHSmith to find that book do you think?”
Him: “do what you want”
It’s like that with every topic I raise, in whatever way or form I raise it. I end up backing off the conversation and shutting up because it feels like an aggressive type response. Plus he looks at me with a non smiley, resting bitch face while he’s saying it. Like you would if you were a teacher who was pissed off with a student. There’s never any positive happy interaction. Regardless of time of day or what I talk about. For example his response could have been “oooh I don’t know. Hope you find it. Wonder if the main character gets killed in the end” you know, a chit chat?
Am I making any sense?
I just feel ground down by it. I don’t want to hug him or have sex with him because he’s not laughing or being nice to me! I feel like I’m being dismissed! I just don’t know if I can live like this for the rest of my life! I’ve tried raising it with him before but he walks away furious and it escalated into being my fault/problem...he’s done nothing wrong. And no he hasn’t done anything wrong. But it’s eroding my self confidence or self esteem. I grew up in a “can’t talk about anything house” any conversation or questions were met by dismissal or fury or upset by my parents. I just want somebody to be nice to me and respond to me in a fun, kind, positive manner! Am I being ridiculous here!!!

@WinterSunglasses I’ve done that and he said exactly that. What does that mean? I responded with “nothing I’m just tired” because I know (from much experience) that whatever I say at that point escalated into conflict or strop followed by atmosphere and silent treatment.

I don't have any answers @ubersuper but I know how you feel[sad]

Just spend your life in misery then. And watch your children either accept the misery of shit relationships or treat their partners like shit when their older.

You have only 2 choices- and making no choice is actually making a choice to continue the status quo. Which will lead to what I said above.

You are literally the only one that can change the awful current trajectory that you and your children are on.

I think the fact that literally every response on here has told you that he is abusing you emotionally is clear.
You deserve much more. You are frightened of the 'what if' scenario were you to leave him.
Suggest you speak to someone in confidence at Womens Aid and also write a list of the pros and cons of staying with him and leaving him.
I imagine the list of reasond to stay will be short.

You get one life. Live it and enjoy it on your terms no one else's.

Thanks for posting this - you're not alone you know... there are others of us out here who are married to pretty much the same man. I haven't managed to leave my bully either.

Lots of you act like it's easy to leave/move on /take control. It's not. You people probably have self confidence or friends. Lots of us don't.

I don’t think it’s easy to leave
Far from it,
But I have a dear friend in the same situation and she is DELUDING herself that her kids are fine and happy. And that it’s all OK.

It’s not. But I get that days roll into days and kids seem ok and they’re not starving and dad is nice to them.

Damage is so subtle. And I feel so sad that generations of lives will be damaged.

uber

We learn about relationships first and foremost from our parents and they were and remain abusive too. They failed you utterly as role models. Its no coincidence that you went onto marry someone like this man you are now with, your parents primed you from childhood to accept such abusive treatment.

You learnt a lot of damaging crap about relationships and now your children are absorbing abuse too. He will not change but you can yourself get out of this abusive relationship that you are getting nothing from.

Womens Aid on 0808 2000 247 can and will help you here as would enrolling yourself onto their Freedom Programme.

The first step out of an abusive relationship is hard to take and also one that a person has to do on their own.

No one is denying that it is easy to leave; abuse like described is indeed insidious in its onset and creeps up on people unawares.
It is not at all easy to leave and it can indeed take several attempts for this to happen.

My stbx was like this and also used to approach sex I’m a similarly crass way. I think this is connected. He knows it’s not how you want to be seduced - it’s five to make you feel
Ridiculous, embarrassed. Cheap etc

I can understand that there might be myriad reasons why you don't want to frame your relationship in terms of bullying and abuse, and that's fine. Ultimately, your assessment of the situation is valid, if you don't feel abused then you don't need to put that label on it.

Nevertheless, you don't have to be being abused by someone to be unhappy. Plenty of people are in marriages that don't work without anyone being an abuser or anyone being at fault.

You are under no obligation to stay in an unhappy situation, regardless of the reasons. He could be the nicest man in the world, the greatest father there ever was, it doesn't matter; if he doesn't show you the love and appreciation you need then you are justified in choosing not to accept it.

If you don't feel loved, supported or even really liked, move on. You have a right to expect more from your life.

Abuse like described also thrives on secrecy.

No obstacle to leaving though is ultimately insurmountable and people both male and female can and do leave their abusive relationships every day.

@Morgenrot

Lots of us know it's not easy to leave these partners, but equally we know it's possible because we've done it. It's the hardest thing I've ever done, but as difficult as things got for me being a single parent, it was still much better than living with someone who made me miserable. I don't want to revitalise it or make out it's easy, but I do know for a fact it can be easier than you think.

*trivialise - stupid phone

It sounds like he has a lot of contempt for you. If he doesn’t want to change this there’s not much you can do about it.
www.gottman.com/blog/the-four-horsemen-contempt/

If I was you I would withdraw emotionally and stop asking his opinion on anything just for your own mental well-being. Discuss only practical household issues. If he ‘corrects’ you when you’re talking to the children I would tell him in a matter of fact, emotionless manner that I wasn’t talking to him and it is rude to nitpick. You risk your children becoming contemptuous of you too if you let him treat you this way unchallenged.

If you don’t want to leave the relationship yet (which is understandable if you feel he may get 50:50 unsupervised time with the children) you need to try and best protect your mental health and your children a perceptions of you.

I am glad other people have mentioned both Gottman and the Four Horsemen.

First and foremost your husband should be your friend. It really doesn't sound like he is because you wouldn't treat a friend the way he treats you. I have recently listened to a Dr Phil podcast which is called "Relationship Reality Check (how much fun are you to live with?) it will be eye-opening for you.

Re leaving why does it have to be on his terms? Your support network is far away, why would you not move back there? If he wanted to he could move to be closer to the children.

And the fact that he fun and lovely to the children and yet cold to you will affect them. Of course it does.

What do you want? You know he isn't going to change toward you.

You want a happy, fun life and a partner who likes you (as well as loves you) but you won’t get that from your husband. You’ve tried and you say this abuse (and it IS abuse, emotional abuse) has gone on for 10 years. He is nice to the children. So he can be nice. He just doesn’t want to be nice to you. So he isn’t. Don’t put up with that. Don’t let your children see that it’s OK for a man to snap at and look down on their partner. That’s what they’re learning.

You can have affection, friendship, fun and love with a partner. But you will have to leave your DH and find someone else. If you stay you’ll be miserable for years and it’ll also affecting your children. The abuse could also escalate. Your husband won’t change and you deserve to have a chance of finding a partner who will respect, cherish and adore you.

So sorry your DH is so nasty. If you feel you can't leave him, could you just try to ignore him more, treat him like a housemate you are not much bothered about - he will hurt you less if you don't keep investing in him. Also, slowly try to do other things outside the house, meet some different people. I am worried that your DH could undermine your mental health with his cruelty.

@Confidingfish
If the OP takes off with her children to live three hours away the H would be able to go to the courts for an order that she return the kids.
Of course, in an amicable breakup two people might discuss what is best for everyone and decide they need family support and therefore move back to their home town. Presumably OP does not think a separation would be amicable?

Op- look up cohersive control. Doesn't have to be all aspects just some. He's also gaslighting you by saying you're crazy after he's actually driven you to react. Sounds like a mood sucker. Seriously consider your future before he completely destroys you. There are so many similar threads to yours on here with so many people not realising they're being controlled.

You are describing very typical abusive behaviour and the charm towards others is always typical.

I would recommend Patricia Evans, the verbally abusive relationships as it explains the tactics used. You are at the start of understanding and it make take time to process. Know that it isn't you.

uber this could almost be my post. I too never looked at it as bullying but now ours been mentioned I think it is.

We too don't talk about anything. Can't remember the last time we conversed. I think my relationship is ending at the weekend (long story). Can't wait to start living my life.

It's called Gaslighting. Making you feel like you're the worthless one, the one with the problem. Get rid of him before he completely grinds you down

You know he isn't going to change.
There is no coping mechanism that makes him suddenly seem to enjoy your company and respect you.
There is no strategy.

You can stop talking to him.
No more inane, conversational chatter to fill the silence.
You can be silent around him for the next 40 years.
Your DC can absorb that as a template for their future relationships.

Or....

Focus less on why he treats you like shit and wishing he would stop, and instead, focus more on why you would still want to be with someone who treats you like shit and doesn’t care to stop.