DH talks to me like I’m shit

[ubersuper]

Does anyone get this or can anyone throw light on why he does this or is it normal in a very long marriage? He’s always done it but it got worse with the stress of kids. If I try and talk to him, raise topics eg dinner conversation about wondering if I should buy a new book I fancy...his responses are curt, grumpy, moody in tone. Like a headmaster a bit? Does anyone understand what I mean? It’s very subtle but it’s constant. For example I envisage the conversation should go
Me: “shall I go to Waterstones or WHSmith to find that book do you think?”
Him: “do what you want”
It’s like that with every topic I raise, in whatever way or form I raise it. I end up backing off the conversation and shutting up because it feels like an aggressive type response. Plus he looks at me with a non smiley, resting bitch face while he’s saying it. Like you would if you were a teacher who was pissed off with a student. There’s never any positive happy interaction. Regardless of time of day or what I talk about. For example his response could have been “oooh I don’t know. Hope you find it. Wonder if the main character gets killed in the end” you know, a chit chat?
Am I making any sense?
I just feel ground down by it. I don’t want to hug him or have sex with him because he’s not laughing or being nice to me! I feel like I’m being dismissed! I just don’t know if I can live like this for the rest of my life! I’ve tried raising it with him before but he walks away furious and it escalated into being my fault/problem...he’s done nothing wrong. And no he hasn’t done anything wrong. But it’s eroding my self confidence or self esteem. I grew up in a “can’t talk about anything house” any conversation or questions were met by dismissal or fury or upset by my parents. I just want somebody to be nice to me and respond to me in a fun, kind, positive manner! Am I being ridiculous here!!!

I’ve just hit on what it is. He’s infantilising me. He talks to me like I’m a child. The tone is patronising. He just did it again and it’s like a light bulb went on!

Infantilising is part of abuse. I would talk to someone like a child if I had zero respect for them. I mean I don’t because I’m not a cunt.

You came on here. You wanted help. You must know somewhere deep down that what people are saying is true.

You didn’t even answer if he treats his children like you

As you're not leaving just yet....Start building up your social circle. Meetup groups with common interests are good place yo start. Online mutual interest groups are another way to meet ppl.

Stop focusing on him and trying to please him. He's not interested. He has made that clear.

Keep it to polite, civil and non contentious issues. Don't ask his opinion on anything.

Spend quality time with your DC doing fun things without him.

Basically....don't prioritise him and invest in being a more confident you.

Be as upbeat as you can. If he gets snappy, just ignore him and walk away. Don't get into arguments.

Live your life and don't rely on him for your happiness.

Where possible, take your kids to see your family...or take time out and go for a weekend on your own.

He knows your life revolves around him, so he treats you badly. You need to adopt a different attitude to save your mental health.

That sounds like an important lightbulb moment op...he treats you like a child but not one that he likes or loves.

If it helps to have a different point of view spelt out, it's absolutely clear from your writing here that you are an intelligent grown woman who deserves to be treated with respect.

My strong advice to you is not to spend your efforts on making him talk to you better, but to keep that to yourself for a bit and seek individual counseling from a counselor who understands abuse asap.

To the earlier poster who said that people make leaving sound easy and everyone is super confident thats not the only option. It might be that people have tried staying and can see in hindsight that:

the only person that benefits from staying is the partner that's abusive. They are keeping you in the relationship because it's more convenient for them right now.

the children (no matter how much you are trying to protect) them know that there is unhappiness at the core of their home and are damaged by this. they see how you are treated. Work hard on building good, separate relationships with them so they see you as a person outside of this. Don't let them start treating you in the same way.

it is unlikely to stop and is likely to get worse possibly moving onto the kids as they get older and start having a mind of their own.

the damage to you/ your self esteem is ongoing and deeper than you realise.

Finally ( as this is an essay) the Patricia Evans book on verbal abuse is really useful. It talks about people who stay and says that a lot of them regret it.

@5LeafClover very wise words! It’s not easy leaving. It’s a long and hard process before during and after leaving. But it is worth it not having to live with someone who is horrible to you.

I’m just trying to understand what’s going on. Why he responds the way he does to random/general dinner type conversation.

No, you’re looking for excuses to stay in a relationship that is damaging your MH. You married an emotionally stunted man and unsurprisingly he hasn’t improved with age.

How about spending less time trying to understand him and more time accepting that this is who he is and that an epiphany isn’t in his immediate future.

If you really want to change things, you need to look in the mirror and ask yourself why you have settled for such a miserable relationship.

Good morning op. Your husband does not like you, it's very obvious.
It's not an easy thing to accept, I know. At the moment you are making excuses for him and minimising/ justifying his behaviour. He will not change I promise you that.
I'm 2 years on from leaving a relationship like that, it took me many attempts so I know how you are feeling .
My son growing up and watching and learning this kind of behaviour from his dad finally gave me the strength to leave .

Dr talks about this. Apparently women bond through talking and that bonding leads to sex.

Men can't be bothered to talk and bond, then get resentful that they are not having any sex.

He says to men: you don't say to your clients 'come here and sign the contract, turkey' - so why do it to your wives. Talk is a skill - learn it!

"THE MOST IMPORTANT EMOTIONAL NEEDS
INTIMATE CONVERSATION
The need for conversation can be ethically met by anyone. But the need for intimate conversation should be met exclusively in marriage if it's one of your most important emotional needs. That's because if someone of the opposite sex meets it outside of marriage, it will deposit so many love units that you may fall in love with that person. So if it's your need, it's crucial to your marital happiness that your spouse is the one who meets it.

The need for intimate conversation is not met by simply talking to someone. It is met when it meets certain criteria. Intimate conversation is characterized by the following: (1) using it to inform and investigate each other, (2) focusing attention on topics of mutual interest, (3) balancing the conversation so both have an equal opportunity to talk, and (4) giving each other undivided attention while talking to each other.

Intimate conversation fails to meet this need when (1) demands are made, (2) disrespect is shown, (3) one or both become angry, or (4) when it is used to dwell on mistakes of the past or present. Unless conversation is mutually enjoyable, a couple is better off not talking to each other at all. An unpleasant conversation not only fails to meet the emotional need, but it also makes it less likely that there will be an opportunity to meet the need in the future. That's because we tend to prevent our spouse from meeting our needs if earlier attempts were painful to us.

Men and women don't have too much difficulty talking to each other during courtship. That's a time of information-gathering for both partners. Both are highly motivated to discover each other's likes and dislikes, personal background, current interests and plans for the future. But after marriage, many women find that the man who would spend hours talking to her on the telephone, now seems to have lost all interest in talking to her, and spends his spare time watching television or reading.

If your need for intimate conversation was fulfilled during courtship, you also expect it to be met after marriage. And if you fell in love because your need for intimate conversation was met by your spouse during courtship, you risk falling out of love if that need is not met during marriage."

Counselling? Couples counselling? Try and resolve it with a third party....if he wants to work at the marriage too. He may be cross or resentful about some issues and not know how to deal with it so coming out in other ways?

His Needs, Her Needs by Dr Harley.

I think you should stop walking on eggshells and let him know his disrespect is becoming unacceptable. You are not a stupid child and he is to stop talking to you as though you are one.

Joint counselling is NEVER recommended where there is abuse of any type within the relationship.

AttilaTheMeercat it’s not up to you to decide theirs abuse from one OP’s post. Unless you are an expert?

I only commented on the joint counselling aspect.

Have you actually read the whole thread?. A lot of other posters have stated that the OPs H is abusive towards her.

Yes but that’s just usual mumsnet twaddke. Everyone immediately shouts abuse for anything on here, I’m just advocating maybe talking about it...counselling for the OP maybe first if that’s a better idea and then joint.

MamaKarmaLlama

It's not one post, it's an entire thread describing a decade of coercive control that you've just jumped into with an incredibly dangerous suggestion.

So you have not read the entire thread then.

OK, first thing to do is get the book 'Why does he do that?' by Lundy Bancroft.
Read through it.
You WILL find your DH in there.
It is abuse.
You'll suddenly see it when you read the book.

I'm glad you are having some 'light bulb' moments.
He smokes weed right????
That would also explain a lot.

Like you say though, build up your life there.
Join a club. An evening class. An exercise class at your local gym.
Something like Am-Dram or a choir is a great thing for making friends and building your confidence.

ubersuper do you have a daughter? Would you want her to be treated like this by the BF/SO when she's older? Because you are showing her the this is an okay way to live. And any son could follow his father's example in his treatment of his partner. You mention he's charming in public....you can bet he's not pulling the wool over people's eyes like you think he is. It's ridiculous, but have you ever read the Marian Keyes book, This Charming Man?? -It's fiction and it's got violence in it, but some very similar behaviour patterns to your DH. You SHOULD NOT have to try and force a "normal relationship " with your husband!!! If you have the finances to do it, you need to move out. And not let your DH talk you out of it. Or make you feel like you can't make it on your own. This is all emotional abuse and you need to break the cycle. Even if it takes you a year of planning and gritting your teeth, it'll be worth it in the end. Good luck 💕

Just wanted to wish you luck, OP.

He is treating you with contempt. Contempt dooms a relationship.

Might he be fed up with you asking things like, where should I buy this book? It's a bit infantile and over time it would be quite waring.

Yeah it’s OP’s fault her H is abusive, if only she were more interesting he wouldn’t be!

I’m just trying to understand what’s going on.

He's got no respect for you, and probably doesn't like you much. That's not the way you speak to someone you love. Don't waste your life with this man, he will never make you happy

Have a look at Gottman and 'bids' in relationships

www.gottman.com/blog/turn-toward-instead-of-away/

What you are not getting is an emotional connection and without that well it is unlikely you can continue to have a relationship.

I have a friend who’s partner is like this and she dismisses it as just the way he is but it’s actually horrible to watch and so obvious from the outside. The turning it round on you to make it your fault is really manipulative behaviour too, I would insist speaks to you more nicely and ditches his attitude. If he doesn’t then curb him, you’ll be happier not being treated with disdain every day.