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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I've just given DH an ultimatum

132 replies

NumbDazedSad · 09/01/2020 06:51

Things been very off for a good while, dating back to early last year. Possible affair or dalliance, I'll never know. DH has been an arsehole for months and months.

Over this period of time I've swung backwards and forwards between extreme sadness of possibly losing the man I love and have loved for nearly 30 years and anger. Over the past few weeks I've become more used to the idea of him going. It will be really hard, but he really is a massive arsehole.

I nearly kicked him out last weekend but wanted to see his reaction to a couple of things going on around us. He has just left for a business trip and I told him this on the way out.

"I can't carry on like this. My MH is going down the pan and I need to be in a fit state to look after the DC Also the DC are upset and massively playing up and this is not fair on any of us.

You have treated me very badly and enough is enough.

When you come back from your trip tomorrow I want a decision from you. Your 2 options are a) you commit to your family and your wife 100% and we carry on building this amazing life we have and address the problems we have at the moment which is basically we have fallen into a family and marriage rut. You treat me with love and kindness and you have to make the effort to make it up to me. Or, b) You leave. There is no c. The status quo is not acceptable. I want your decision when you walk through the door on Friday after your trip.

What do you think about what I have said? I said it and I mean it. This cannot carry on. I'm scared and I'm shaking though.

OP posts:
Weenurse · 09/01/2020 06:59

Well done.
While he is away, sort your finances, get all important paperwork copied and give to a trusted person.
See a lawyer and get advice.
Look at what counseling is available locally and think about separate vs couples counseling.
Don’t talk to him while he is away about this, but use the time to think about what you really want, then make a plan on how to get there.
Good luck 💐

powow · 09/01/2020 07:03

Have you been to marriage counselling? It’s tricky for you to make decisions about what’s going on in your marriage if you have no idea about why he’s being an arsehole. Are you sure it’s a business trip and not a trip away with OW?

GiveHerHellFromUs · 09/01/2020 07:03

Well done OP. It's hard but you need to look out for yourself.

Agree with PP. Take today to gather important docs. Then if he wants to go he can and you've got everything you need.

Aussiebean · 09/01/2020 07:04

I think you need to be very clear on what options A and B will look like.

So when he says either you know what they look like and won’t settle for less

CastaNettes · 09/01/2020 07:11

This is going to be a tricky question to formulate correctly and perhaps even more difficult to answer, but do you feel that he respects you?
I ask, because you mention that he has been an a*hole, so when you wrote “You treat me with love and kindness” - this is something the he won’t be able to do if there is no respect in the first place.
The bad news is that respect can’t be just created or enforced, it is either present or not. And if it is not, the task is more challenging, but not unachievable.

I think it is understandable that you are extremely anxious about how it is going to pan out. Please be strong and stick to your guns. You deserve to be happy and comfortable.

SoloMummy · 09/01/2020 07:19

The difficulty of the way you've phrased it is there's nothing in there about what your role would be in choice a. And though he may be an awful partner, you probably are not blameless and perfect. So need to review what he'd like you to change.....

Personally, I think that you have tried to take the approach of he'll be blamed and carry all guilt for the decision when actually YOU need to be making the decision as you are the one that's clearly dissatisfied.

AgentJohnson · 09/01/2020 07:23

Ultimatums only work if you follow through or if the person you are presenting the ultimatum to believes you will follow though.

If you don’t want the status quo to continue, expecting the person who does, to initiate the change is crazy.

You putting up with him being an arsehole is also part of the problem and what are your plans in remedying that?

You’re not giving him a choice, you’ve given him the power and until that dynamic changes, expect more of the same.

ivykaty44 · 09/01/2020 07:28

Many men just stay, as it’s easier. Then when they find a new live they can move on.

Problem with your ultimatum is, he can answer A

Then how are you going to measure this answer in 3 months time

Sorry to say but it’s unlikely to change much long term

Improvementsunderway · 09/01/2020 07:39

Well done op.
I was going through simular and was patient, walked on eggshells for months, until the situation was so bad i too got used to the idea of a break up. Gave him the same ultimatum as he went on a 2 day trip away , asking for a response on his come back. He came back a differnet man. It's been almost 2 months and he has slowly gone back to the man i fell in love with. Lets hope it lasts .
Im run away from conflict so i think he was very shocked when u acctually laid my cards on the table. Hope it works for you and he gets the kick up the backside he needs. It it doesnt, you know your situation now is not good so stick to the ultimatum. X

fedup21 · 09/01/2020 07:43

Can you ‘just’ ask him to leave? Is it as simple as that?

I know I couldn’t do that with my DH has we have a joint mortgage. If he left, he would need somewhere to live as well so the house would have to be sold to provide property for both of us and the kids.

sofato5miles · 09/01/2020 07:45

The problem is that your first option is nebulous and can't be measured. What can he immediately do to show it. And when you will revisit the situation to make sure you are on track. It is basically your fantasy.

Option b, is far more pragmatic and is realistic. I'd start planning for that.

Be prepared that the contemplation of losing someone/ something makes people try harder, when they might not want it..

OneDay10 · 09/01/2020 07:49

It's good that you have spoken up and told him you wont tolerate this anymore. But you need to consider what each option means.
I have a feeling that he will say A but start making plans for B.
There should be a middle ground. That if you are stuck between A and B- then counselling needs to be done etc.

Musti · 09/01/2020 07:51

I think what you said to him is fine - basically treat you with love and respect or you finish.

When he comes back see if he says anything and if not bring up the conversation and see what he says. If you feel that he is still off then start looking at splitting. Whilst he's away, speak to a solicitor and make sure that in the event of a split you know how things will pan out.

iem0128 · 09/01/2020 07:53

It's a massive and difficult decision. See a counsellor on your own and work out these
Can you survive on your own, financially and emotionally?
Do you know how to work the central heating system?
Do you know internet banking?
What is your financial situation after a genuine divorce? Will you be able to live comfortably?
How old are you and you must remember the pension age is now 66? Do you have anything to survive on?
Do you have a group of friends to rely on in times on need - plumbers, builders?

My ex friend who had occasional lapses of mental illness asked me if she should have a divorce. I said no. She had no idea how to do internet banking; couldn't send a nail straight to the wall; couldn't work the central heating system .. The worst is hat you just don't know what triggered these lapses! She could drive, which was an a forte. Her husband, with the kids, bought her flowers on important occasions, but was so exasperated that he offered to buy her out. I just told her to be patient and have sex with him. LOL! To this date, they stay married. I'm no friend of her as she kept accusing me of leaking her stories to her neighbour living opposite her. The accusations were getting so much that I threatened to go home by myself during one of those walks. In the end, I just walked away. Life is too short to be bothered by others' ennuis!

Or you could let him stay in an area of the house and co-exist and stop loving him. Spruce yourself up and go out and enjoy your own life. People now live to 100, you're never too old. Go about everything with a happy disposition and be positive. Good luck to you! But do work out the eventualities - place to live, emotional support, income, children and their attitude towards him and vice versa. It's not an easy step..

Don't say anything if you can't see it through! Dress up nicely to show that you've a new confidence .. and go out more, even though just having a cup of tea or coffee with friends.

Morgan12 · 09/01/2020 07:55

What do you want him to pick?

Bluntness100 · 09/01/2020 07:58

So what if he stays and nothing changes? What will you do? Is this not c?

BlouseAndSkirt · 09/01/2020 07:58

Good for you Op.

You can’t live your life second guessing his treatment of you, suspecting without knowing and waiting helplessly for him to ‘be nice’ again.

If he picks A that is the moment to discuss terms: that your agency does count and you will expect both of you to put in some work: couples counselling, honesty etc, He doesn’t get to unilaterally decide what being living and kind means!

Stay resolute.

Sending strength and steely resolve.

Letseatgrandma · 09/01/2020 08:03

He doesn’t get to unilaterally decide what being living and kind means!

And presumably likewise the OP doesn’t get to unilaterally tell her husband to leave the house?

Unless the property is entirely in her name of course.

Monty27 · 09/01/2020 08:04

Do it OP. It won't be easy by any means but if someone isn't invested in their family they need to leave.
It'll be easier in the long run.
Be brave and strong and focused on future happiness. Flowers

KellyHall · 09/01/2020 08:05

Well done for saying it before b was the only viable option. It takes a lot of courage, I know, I did the same with my dh last year.

You have to be willing to accept whichever option he chooses and that will make you feel confused and unsettled but whichever it is, you're doing what you feel is right for you and your dc so it can't be wrong.

All the best for tomorrow, and beyond Flowers

category12 · 09/01/2020 08:14

And presumably likewise the OP doesn’t get to unilaterally tell her husband to leave the house? Oh fgs, telling him to leave is shorthand for ending the relationship and getting a divorce. Exactly how the split looks and whether he goes right then is hardly the point.

Op, I do think that option a is a bit nebulous and "how long is a piece of string"ish. What does it look like in real terms? If he says he wants to make it work, but doesn't make much effort or makes an effort for a couple of weeks then what?

Scarsthelot · 09/01/2020 08:26

OP clearly said she nearly kicked him out.

By leaving she means he has to leave the home.

The problem is, there is an option C. He ends the marriage but refuses to move until the divorce.

LemonTT · 09/01/2020 08:35

As others have indicated, the OP doesn’t really have control of A. I don’t think many people would take the ultimatum well unless they had someone and somewhere to go to.

If I was presented with it, the OP would get a certain amount of feedback. That she can end the relationship but she can’t blame me for it and she can’t tell me to leave my home.

Letseatgrandma · 09/01/2020 08:50

telling him to leave is shorthand for ending the relationship and getting a divorce.

Since when?!

Fine, I stand corrected if everyone else agrees that someone talking about nearly kicking their husband out or telling them to leave actually just means splitting up and sensibly splitting property; that isn’t how it comes across at all.

Scarsthelot · 09/01/2020 09:24

@Letseatgrandma I agree. The OP means she has told him he has to leave the home. Maybe he will be happy to.

But it's not actually her decision. Therefore the ultimatum is pointless