I've just given DH an ultimatum

[NumbDazedSad]

Things been very off for a good while, dating back to early last year. Possible affair or dalliance, I'll never know. DH has been an arsehole for months and months.

Over this period of time I've swung backwards and forwards between extreme sadness of possibly losing the man I love and have loved for nearly 30 years and anger. Over the past few weeks I've become more used to the idea of him going. It will be really hard, but he really is a massive arsehole.

I nearly kicked him out last weekend but wanted to see his reaction to a couple of things going on around us. He has just left for a business trip and I told him this on the way out.

"I can't carry on like this. My MH is going down the pan and I need to be in a fit state to look after the DC Also the DC are upset and massively playing up and this is not fair on any of us.

You have treated me very badly and enough is enough.

When you come back from your trip tomorrow I want a decision from you. Your 2 options are a) you commit to your family and your wife 100% and we carry on building this amazing life we have and address the problems we have at the moment which is basically we have fallen into a family and marriage rut. You treat me with love and kindness and you have to make the effort to make it up to me. Or, b) You leave. There is no c. The status quo is not acceptable. I want your decision when you walk through the door on Friday after your trip.

What do you think about what I have said? I said it and I mean it. This cannot carry on. I'm scared and I'm shaking though.

I hope what ever the outcome is OP that you come out of this happier and stronger.
Good luck

Thank you. I was really, really scared and frightened last night about today and the thought of taking care of my DC. I had a few moments of "I can't cope or deal with this, I am going to flip out and have a breakdown". Is that normal?

@NumbDazedSad paradoxically, you strong position SIGNALLING SELF RESPECT is the one and only chance you have, of saving your marriage.

Please take it from one who cried and begged and pleaded and twisted herself into pretzels and above all, taking the disregard for years, trying to save our marriage.

When eventually I couldn't deny the emotional abuse any more, do you know what he said?

"I was never going to leave you". Then he bent himself into pretzels trying to save the marriage, but too much damage had been done.

Signalling self respect is the most important thing a woman can do, to get that respect back.

I wouldn't pry too deeply into 'what' might have changed his behaviour. What is known, cannot be unknown.

But don't panic about separation (what I should have done) and live from this day forward as though he is never coming back (that is what I was so terrified of, I lost myself).

Men suffer costs of losing their family too. They also don't want to break it up whilst they flail around being destructive. So don't use it as threat, just continue with your

"up with this, I will not put" - Winston Churchill SELF RESPECT boundary. Fuck him and all his enablers. You go girl. New job, new school, new power. xxx

Completely normal, and it won’t be the last time you feel like that. But it will get easier as time goes by and living a life without the constant pressure of your marriage (will he stay/go, does he love me, is there someone else?) will do wonders for your stress levels. You will find you are stronger than you thought you were and you can do this.

THIS

"Regardless of his decision, why don't you ask him to move to the spare place immediately. You can either work on your relationship from there or work on your divorce from there.

Either way, he sounds a bit emotionally abusive trying to keep you on your toes and begging to keep him with his I'm leaving when I choose crap. "

The thing that got my ex the most, was telling him that he was behaving less than honourably, that this family home was a safe space where people did not lie and abuse eachother, and that him in his current attitude, was not allowed to enter that honest space. That if he felt trapped by family, he did not deserve family time.

Why oh why did I not do that at the very beginning when he started [what you describe]. It would have been better for all of us MH wise.

Sounds like it's already over for him anyway. But he knows you still want it to work and is abusing that by messing you around. The back some control and kick him out

I'm sorry but in the kindess way I think you have been too accomodating and kind to him so he is not truly valueing you. He needs to go and then if he wants back to work for it. This must be very damaging to your confidence this I want you, nowI don't, yes I do scenario.

I wondered when you first mentioned the key. I may have missed it but who is the enabler?

And wishing for the best for you. 💐

OP, you will have strong emotions as reality of a marriage ending hits. It is a rollercoaster but over time it does get better. I took the decision to end the marriage BUT was still hit by shock when it sunk in.

Please don't get into the blame game or worry about who is at fault. Most people don't judge when a marriage breaks down and his family will naturally take his side. Your husband is responsible for your relationship and it is highly likely he is telling others a very slanted version of events.

You will burn precious energy if you try to counteract his version of the breakup.
Remember - Lies run sprints but the truth runs marathons.

Ex h ran a smear campaign against me as desperately needed to be the victim however a few years later the truth has been revealed. He had an enabler, an ex friend OW but he is responsible not her.

The thing that got my ex the most, was telling him that he was behaving less than honourably, that this family home was a safe space where people did not lie and abuse eachother, and that him in his current attitude, was not allowed to enter that honest space. That if he felt trapped by family, he did not deserve family time

Very wise. It seems surprisingly common for men to become "victims" in middle age as they resent family life and they hold their partner in contempt. It is usually just very selfish behaviour and lack of emotional intelligence as they struggle with aging.

It's normal to have moments like that. Change is scary. Uncertainty is scary. And grief for the future you dreamed you would have with him is natural. It doesn't mean you can't do it or are making the wrong decision, it means you are human.

Every time you feel wobbly focus on the positive future you're moving towards to escape the damned existence you and the children have been enduring for too long.

It's like jumping through a wall of flames to escape a burning building. It feels terrifying and painful for a short period while you heal, but if you avoid making the leap by staying inside the burning building you know so well eventually you'll be destroyed.

I think you have done the right thing issuing this ultimatum, ordinarily forcing someones hand is not usually a good idea but in this case for the sake of everyone's mental health I dont see what other choice you had . Putting an end to his dithering indecisiveness is for the best, he has been incredibly cruel and selfish by constantly flip flopping between leaving/staying.

You seem very resentful to the relative you call "the enabler" can I gently suggest I think your anger is misdirected. If a dear friend or relative of mine told me they where terribly unhappy and had been for a long time and I had the ability to help them then I would. Ive often told my best friend that she always has a bed and a shoulder to cry on if she ever needs it.

Offering a place to stay may make it "easier" logistically for him to leave but it wont be the only reason he wants to go. Would you want him to stay with you because he had no where else to go presently or would you want him to stay because he genuinly wanted to be with you and work on your relationship?

Hopefully today you get some kind of resolution to your situation. You have clearly been more than reasonable and patient with him. I think many people would have forced this issue before now.

@ScreamingLadySutch
That's a very moving post 08.17
Great wisdom.

OP, he's an abusive twat, that doesn't deserve you.

You can do this. For yourself. For your children.

💐

How did it go OP?

Hope you’re ok OP. If you feel like you’re crumbling or couldn’t keep to it, come and share here. I’m one of the strongest, most no nonsense women I know and I couldn’t hold out on an ultimatum I gave a man I adored. I did eventually but it was so lonely feeling so pathetic and lost.

Hugs xx

Others have the wise words. I can only send you a handhold lass.

Well he came back at 5pm and I was waiting, cup of tea in hand on sofa. I told him that I was sat there and wanted my answer and clearly repeated the options. To my very surprise he picked a) staying and I then told him what staying needs to look like and he agreed. I told him that I'm not going through that again and will end it immediately if he goes down that route. Also told him he's coming to counselling with me because I'm not/ we are not happy and our relationship needs help. He's agreed. This morning he made us breakfast and then booked an activity for us to do.

We will see. I'm not convinced......yet. I'm not all happy, happy as he has dicked me around. However, I'm open to his crawling back.

I'll see how this reprieve goes.

OP, for your sake and the DCs, write a clear list just now of your red lines. Don't share it with DH. It's your reckoner to remind you of your boundaries if his changes start to slip.

Good luck, OP. This could’ve been the wake up call he needed.

Good luck OP. I hope things work out well for you.

I doubt very much the crawling will come from him. I think you should use this time to booster your own self worth so when the inevitable happens you will be in a much stronger state of mind.

30 years. And it's a watershed time particularly for you with hormones.

So I'd send him option c) we go to marriage counselling, to see what we really want to do.

I'd do that.

I suspect Doodley is right.

The fact that you use the phrase come crawling back implies you know he was with someone else. If he you believe he had an affair you must get honesty about it from him. Otherwise you can never be sure it is over. Especially if he travels with work.

If the OW wasn’t prepared to commit he had little choice but to stay. But she might be married too and that could change.

Counselling is pointless if you are not being honest with each other about why you are going.

I think he will play along at "a" for a while, but will quickly slip into his old ways.

I'm sorry.

I would suggest you use anytime he spends groveling/trying to make it up to you - to "get your ducks in a row". Prepare your exit strategy. And have a rest if he is taking on more at home.

@LordOfTheWhys 'OP, for your sake and the DCs, write a clear list just now of your red lines. Don't share it with DH. It's your reckoner to remind you of your boundaries if his changes start to slip.'

IMO sharing it with him makes sense. He can't as easily stick to unwritten rules he hasn't been told.

I don't know, I think if you have been generally happy for 30 years you have a shot at working this out.
Could just be a mid life crisis - marriages do get into ruts its just men seem to be more susceptible to outside influences
I think you are right to give it a chance but I think you have to mean what you say, if starts down this road again you need to end it and move on