I've just given DH an ultimatum

[NumbDazedSad]

Things been very off for a good while, dating back to early last year. Possible affair or dalliance, I'll never know. DH has been an arsehole for months and months.

Over this period of time I've swung backwards and forwards between extreme sadness of possibly losing the man I love and have loved for nearly 30 years and anger. Over the past few weeks I've become more used to the idea of him going. It will be really hard, but he really is a massive arsehole.

I nearly kicked him out last weekend but wanted to see his reaction to a couple of things going on around us. He has just left for a business trip and I told him this on the way out.

"I can't carry on like this. My MH is going down the pan and I need to be in a fit state to look after the DC Also the DC are upset and massively playing up and this is not fair on any of us.

You have treated me very badly and enough is enough.

When you come back from your trip tomorrow I want a decision from you. Your 2 options are a) you commit to your family and your wife 100% and we carry on building this amazing life we have and address the problems we have at the moment which is basically we have fallen into a family and marriage rut. You treat me with love and kindness and you have to make the effort to make it up to me. Or, b) You leave. There is no c. The status quo is not acceptable. I want your decision when you walk through the door on Friday after your trip.

What do you think about what I have said? I said it and I mean it. This cannot carry on. I'm scared and I'm shaking though.

I want to be able to say to his relatives, my relatives and whoever that "he left us"

Is waiting for your preferred outcome (above) worth the consequences of the atmosphere of your home and the strain on your mental health?

Is it worth your DCs' happiness?

People are likely to admire you more for knowing your self-worth and prioritising the welfare of the children.

You've done brilliantly. He can think on during is trip and whatever he decides you've prioritised your self respect and set a great example to the kids.

OP, it sounds very difficult.

He has been emotionally abusing you for months.

You have done this because it is affecting your MH.

Of course your MH is a priority here.

Your child need a well parent.

He sounds like a twat.

Wishing you strength.,💐

Fucking hell OP, I'd kick him out on his nuts.
He's an asshole.

You need to see a solicitor and get advice on what sort of financial split you can expect. If you've been working part time to care for children and facilitate your husband's career you may get more than 50 percent.

A is not a realistic choice. He's having an affair, treating you terribly, leaving, coming back, being an arse and isn't in love with you anymore. He can't and won't give you what you want in the marriage, even if he says he will, he's shown you he won't. So your only choice now is to accept this horrible treatment and stay married to this horrible man who doesn't love or respect you, or divorce him.

I think you’ve done exactly the right thing. Good for you.

You need to prepare yourself for how you’ll feel if (when) he comes home and says he’s leaving. It’s all theoretical now, but it will still be a devastating blow to you. Do you think you’ll wobble? If you do, make a plan for how you will handle that.

I think it is going to be b) too.

I think I will wobble. What do I do?

OP, do you think if he agrees the marriage is over, he'll just pack his bags and leave?

You are flogging a dead horse here, it sounds like he has had one foot (and his head) out of the door for a long time. Sorry.

I think I will wobble. What do I do?

Firstly, realise that he will be expecting you to. He’ll be expecting you to beg (or at least ask) him to change his mind.

Try to think of your life in one or two years time. Do you want it to look like it does now, only with you beaten down even more? Or do you want to be two years on from your break-up?

Try to keep your future in mind.

Yes I do think he will pack and leave as he has somewhere to go.
Just to clarify. He hasn't repeatedly left and come back. He's threatened to leave about 3 times, said he'd let me know when it suited him to leave, then did U turns when his bluff was called. I am not calling his bluff now as I mean it. If it is over, I need to get on with our lives. There are so many things going on in our lives right now. Moving town, new job (me) and moving schools. I don't need this nonsense.

He needs to get on board with the positive changes "I" have made to our lives and join us in our next chapter or go his own way.

In my experience, it is only leaving that forces a selfish partner to turn things around but by the time you're ready to do that you don't love them anymore anyway. I'd make serious plans to end your marriage and be prepared to push on with them.

It's good that you tried to put a boundary in place with the ultimatum but you know it isn't going to work. There's nothing to stop him saying (a) and carrying on as before.

Your reluctance to end this is what's keeping you and your DCs in this horrible limbo. I know it seems important, just now, that he ends it (and not you) but ultimately it doesn't matter. Of course, he'll create some alternate reality where you put him out. But all that matters is that you know you have tried. You have gone to counselling. You have made it clear you want the marriage to work. He is the one who keeps threatening to end it.

It's time to say enough. Take the ultimatum off the table. Tell him, you've thought back over everything he has said to you and the counsellor, and you agree that he's right and that he should leave. Tell him you and the DCs will be out on Friday so he can pack a bag and go stay in the house he has waiting.

Hugs to you, OP. Sounds like you've made a brave decision - and also the right one.

I'd spend this time when he's away making sure you have copies of all financial paperwork, bank accounts, mortgage account info, investment and pension details, as you will need them.

You could also make a list of all the times he's been really shitty to you - cruel, uncaring, threatened to leave, and how he made you feel. This will bolster your resolve to see through your decision if you waver.

He's not making you happy. His behaviour is affecting you and the dc. You need to act for them too.

Yes I do think he will pack and leave as he has somewhere to go.
Just to clarify. He hasn't repeatedly left and come back. He's threatened to leave about 3 times, said he'd let me know when it suited him to leave, then did U turns when his bluff was called. I am not calling his bluff now as I mean it. If it is over, I need to get on with our lives. There are so many things going on in our lives right now. Moving town, new job (me) and moving schools. I don't need this nonsense.

He's an asshole.

It doesn't matter who ends the marriage. The fact is, the marriage is over. He is not going to change. "He'd let you know when it suited him to leave".... what the fuck. No, he can fuck off now.

I think you know the marriage is over. You can't go on living like this with him taking the piss.
Can you contact a solicitor in the next couple of days when he is still on his business trip? Make a plan
Then when he turns up again, possibly saying he'll go for option A, say you've changed your mind, the marriage is over and you've consulted a solicitor about a divorce.

In the long run, it really doesn't make any difference who ends the marriage as long as a marriage which is no longer working for either person is ended and both can move on with their lives.

I think men who threaten to leave repeatedly, do it because they're scared YOU will leave them.

That's been my experience.

It's like constructive dismissal, isn't it? He wants out but hasn't the courage to totally do it so is pushing you to be the 'bad guy' who ends it all. Don't be concerned with who actually calls time on the marriage, it's been going wrong for a while by the sounds of it. He has an escape route all set up. Even if he comes back saying he'll try his best would it be genuine?

You need to be strong and determined and clear headed now. Get yourself to a solicitor, support group, estate agent ... time to act.

I don't want people thinking I ended it either. I want it squarely at his door.

I know it sucks, but if you have to do it you have to do it. I ended my relationship (not marriage but LTR with kids) after being similarly treated like shit, but he always acted (unconvincingly) like he didn't want it to end. i think what he meant was he didn't want to look like the bad guy.

The outcome is that I look like the bad guy, and I'm sure he's encouraged that view - one of my biggest gripes was his dishonesty so I wouldn't be surprised if he's made himself out to be a totally innocent party. But I couldn't carry on as we were and now I have a happy life without him. I still have my own friends and it will all come out in the wash eventually.

I think you have totally done the right thing. I would have gone one step further and said he had to go whatever his decision, and that I might consent to try again If I believed he would sincerely try to save the marriage.
And I strongly suggest you spend the next 6 months building a support system.

Op what is the plan if he says a but makes no real effort / comes back and say meh, I haven't decided and you can't make me?

Numb, please take your power back. He has had it all during the last year - 'I'm leaving you!.......but not yet!.....I'm going now.......or maybe later'
You have given him the power to carry on doing just what he did last year.
Take your power back.
The only thing worse than living in this state for 15 (or however many) years is living there for 15 years and one day.
I would be kissing the feet of the key-giver, as they are giving you both a way out of this hellish situation you are in.

I think you've done the right thing OP

You cant carry on like that.

I think you do need to be specific about what option A looks like what behaviour you expect and what the consequences will be if he doesn't meet this, or only meets it some of the time, or meets this behaviour at first and then slides back to how it was.

I'm sorry it does sound like things are over for him but he is scared about actually moving on, and likes the backup of you being there.

I would do what others have suggested and start the ball rolling on your plan b, at the very least it will keep your mind off it.

I also want to say that no one would blame you for ending it or think it was you that ended the marriage knowing that he said he wanted to leave and threatened to do so 3 times. I don't know anyone that could live with that uncertainty

I think I will wobble. What do I do?

Rip off the bandaid. This needs to end, purely for the effect it's having on you.

Whilst I would be sad and upset to hear of a marriage ending for a relative or friend, I can’t say I would blame someone for ending it.

It’s not my position to judge if a marriage doesn’t work out. Even if I wanted to. I respect someone strong enough to walk away from something that doesn’t work and which will only cause more pain to people if they continue in it. I honestly don’t respect people who drag it out to the inevitable acrimony and affairs that cause so much more damage.

I would respect the decision of either of them to end this charade. I wouldn’t respect them to stay in it knowing that they don’t love each other and that it is just a matter of time.

It’s really unhealthy that two people are lining up to take the supposed “high ground” in their split. It sounds like they want a battle when they should be working out how to make it is as painless as possible for the children. And yes, I can see that he has been awful.

Regardless of his decision, why don't you ask him to move to the spare place immediately. You can either work on your relationship from there or work on your divorce from there.

Either way, he sounds a bit emotionally abusive trying to keep you on your toes and begging to keep him with his I'm leaving when I choose crap.

If he moves out both if you have space to decide what you want moving forward.