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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I've just given DH an ultimatum

132 replies

NumbDazedSad · 09/01/2020 06:51

Things been very off for a good while, dating back to early last year. Possible affair or dalliance, I'll never know. DH has been an arsehole for months and months.

Over this period of time I've swung backwards and forwards between extreme sadness of possibly losing the man I love and have loved for nearly 30 years and anger. Over the past few weeks I've become more used to the idea of him going. It will be really hard, but he really is a massive arsehole.

I nearly kicked him out last weekend but wanted to see his reaction to a couple of things going on around us. He has just left for a business trip and I told him this on the way out.

"I can't carry on like this. My MH is going down the pan and I need to be in a fit state to look after the DC Also the DC are upset and massively playing up and this is not fair on any of us.

You have treated me very badly and enough is enough.

When you come back from your trip tomorrow I want a decision from you. Your 2 options are a) you commit to your family and your wife 100% and we carry on building this amazing life we have and address the problems we have at the moment which is basically we have fallen into a family and marriage rut. You treat me with love and kindness and you have to make the effort to make it up to me. Or, b) You leave. There is no c. The status quo is not acceptable. I want your decision when you walk through the door on Friday after your trip.

What do you think about what I have said? I said it and I mean it. This cannot carry on. I'm scared and I'm shaking though.

OP posts:
Original poster
NumbDazedSad · 09/01/2020 09:24

My DH has really put me through the grinder for the best part of a year. Over the last 6 months he has been leaving, then changes his mind. He actually has somewhere to go already lined up and that person has given him a key! He loves me, but is not in love with me. DC are clingy and upset and I cry myself to sleep every night.

DH is unhappy, everything is my fault and he wants to leave and will let me know when he is ready to leave. Then he says that is not what he wants, everyone is happy for a week. Then repeat.

We have been to counselling but he has indicated that he is there to help me get over it, rather than fix our problems. By the way, our problems are that we have got into a boring married rut, nothing else. That is his words. Up until this I was perfectly happy and it was news to me. I wasn't dissatisfied. I am now though, after being treated with contempt for months.

I am now thinking I have made the wrong decision. I'm confused. One thing I do know is that I need some space from him and he needs space and a dose of reality to see what it is he will be losing and if it is worth it.

OP posts:
BettySwollocksandaCrustyRack · 09/01/2020 09:31

He needs to go, no choices, no ultimatums, he needs to go, to give you space, why it is an option for him. It really shouldn't be. Take control OP, he's firmly got the reigns on this one and that needs to change. Your self esteem must be down the toilet, it's no way for you to live.

BettySwollocksandaCrustyRack · 09/01/2020 09:33

Oh and also to add.....

He wants you to end it so that he doesn't look like the bad guy. He wants people to think you ended the marriage, that he tried his best blah blah blah. He wants out but wants it to be your decision. What a coward.

Original poster
NumbDazedSad · 09/01/2020 09:42

He wants out but wants it to be your decision. What a coward.
Your self esteem must be down the toilet, it's no way for you to live

Yes, I agree and yes my self esteem is down the toilet.

OP posts:
Letseatgrandma · 09/01/2020 09:47

That sounds awful.

Who owns The house/whose name is he rental in? Can you afford rent/mortgage and bills?

Original poster
NumbDazedSad · 09/01/2020 09:48

Just to add that I gave him this ultimatum because I know he is too coward to do it. I don't want to be the person to end it, as I don't want it to end. However, I don't want people thinking I ended it either. I want it squarely at his door. This is why I have given him a tight choice. It is actually either, or.

Having said that he knows that option a) actually means: I love you, I want this to work but I can't do it alone. If you love me, are prepared to make an effort to turn this around, including counselling, then stay. If not, then go. This morning was a blunt convo but we have talked and talked and talked for months about all this and he knows I love him and want it to work. I've just come to the point where I spent all of 2019 in this mess and I can't spend all 2020 in it. I have other things that need my attention.

OP posts:
Morgan12 · 09/01/2020 09:48

Honestly I think you should make this decision for him. Don't let yourself be treated this way. You will be sad sure, but it won't last forever.

Original poster
NumbDazedSad · 09/01/2020 09:49

I work p/t. Money will be tight but it is either be a bit broke or end up in hospital with a nervous breakdown.

OP posts:
Yeahnah2020 · 09/01/2020 09:56

After that update I don’t think option A, is an option at all. He is already half gone. Just end it OP.

chocolateandpinkgin · 09/01/2020 10:03

I think well done to you, but actually 1) you need to mean what you've said (ie if he says A but then doesn't follow through with actions then you need to actually end it) and 2) you need to be more specific. I think just telling him he needs to be better and give you more love and respect isn't enough, he needs to know exactly what behaviour needs to change. You need to discuss together what changes need to be made (counselling would be helpful here).

To be honest though after reading your second update where he has kept leaving and says he loves you but not in love with you - I know it's hard but in all honesty you shouldnt even be giving him the option of staying. Even with giving him an ultimatum he probably doesnt believe you'll actually make him leave. He needs to be scared of losing you and that's not going to happen unless he sees what it's actually like to lose you. And if he decides that actually he doesnt want to come back - at least you will know, and you're not in this awful limbo. I'm so sorry though, I've been where you are and it's awful x

Original poster
NumbDazedSad · 09/01/2020 10:03

Yeahnah, I know. I don't think I have any option but to do this. However, as said, he will turn it around to his advantage in that I asked him to leave. By boxing him into a corner I am making him make the decision.

I know that it would be easier if I ended it but I want him to be the one who ends it for m own sanity and he doesn't get to dictate the narrative or whatever is the saying. I want to be able to say to his relatives, my relatives and whoever that "he left us" because this is not what I want. I am not being a martyr. He is such a coward and I don't want him telling my DC that I kicked him out, it is not his fault.

OP posts:
Letseatgrandma · 09/01/2020 10:03

work p/t. Money will be tight but it is either be a bit broke or end up in hospital with a nervous breakdown.

I completely agree something needs to change and your marriage is over.
Will you need to sell the house/rent somewhere smaller to afford the bills/mortgage? Just thinking about the practicalities.

CuriousaboutSamphire · 09/01/2020 10:06

When he gets home, when he hesitates, prevaricates, says he needs time to think, tell him to go!

You know your marriage is over. So does he. In the lng run it REALLY doesn't matter who ends it. You'll both be happier if you can end it before you hate each other!

Original poster
NumbDazedSad · 09/01/2020 10:07

I will be able to buy a house outright with my 1/2. Bills etc. will need to be covered by my job and maintenance etc. Main thing is though that I will have no housing costs.

OP posts:
BettySwollocksandaCrustyRack · 09/01/2020 10:08

But OP, even if you are the one to call it a day., it is still him who has ended the marriage by treating you how he does. Don't suffer, don't make your kids suffer because he's a weak fool who can't do the decent thing. You are punishing yourself if you don't ask him to go, just rip off that plaster, it's far less painfull than slowly peeling it back.

Original poster
NumbDazedSad · 09/01/2020 10:12

I do mean my ultimatum. The stars quo is not acceptable to me. He either snaps out of this and makes it up to me massively or he goes. I am prepared for it. I think that he would take option A and give it a half hearted go, but I don't think he would make much effort. I was very clear that if he stayed he needs to have a major personality transplant. I doubt he could be bothered to do this.

I can't believe no one has picked up on the enabler in all this. What do
you think of the person giving him a key to come over when he is ready to leave? Someone close to out family.

OP posts:
Zaphodsotherhead · 09/01/2020 10:13

One thing I do know is that I need some space from him and he needs space and a dose of reality to see what it is he will be losing and if it is worth it

So, if he came back AFTER picking Option B, snivelling and saying he really missed you, would you take him back?

I think you need to be clear that Option B doesn't have a (i) option of 'go away for six months to think about things, decide you'd rather have someone around to take the burden off your shoulders, promise that things will be different and promptly slide back into old behaviours.'

It would just be option A) with a time lapse.

chocolateandpinkgin · 09/01/2020 10:15

I think that he would take option A and give it a half hearted go, but I don't think he would make much effort

I think that's your answer then, sadly

doodleygirl · 09/01/2020 10:15

I think you need to stop giving him power. You have to decide what you want for your life and not settle for someone who has clearly opted out of your marriage.

Tell him to leave, if he wants to continue with the marriage he can then do his best to get back. The way you have left is still gives him all the power.

Take back you esteem, ultimately you will feel so much stronger.

TopOftheNaughtyList · 09/01/2020 10:21

From your updates OP it doesn't sound as though he wants to be in this relationship any more so B is the better option. You can still say to his relatives that he left you. Be clear with them, he was given the choice to stay and make things work or leave and he chose to leave.

How old are the children? If he tells them you kicked him out then again, correct the narrative and be clear it was his choice to leave as he didn't want to stay with mummy and be part of a happy family.

TopOftheNaughtyList · 09/01/2020 10:23

What was his initial reaction when you gave him the ultimatum as he left ?

GiveHerHellFromUs · 09/01/2020 10:25

@NumbDazedSad they're not the enabler, you are.

Sorry but if you know he's got somewhere to go and he's repeatedly telling you he's not happy and you're still allowing him to take the piss, you're enabling him.

If you think he'll choose to stay and still not change, you're enabling him.

I know it's hard to end a marriage after a long time but he's already checked out and he's just making you miserable while he plays his games.

BillHadersNewWife · 09/01/2020 10:27

an't believe no one has picked up on the enabler in all this. What do
you think of the person giving him a key to come over when he is ready to leave? Someone close to out family.

That's their choice. They're not an enabler...if your husband has indicated to them that he's unhappy, then they've shown him they are his friend and will support him.

They've shown you where their loyalty lies. Have nothing to do with them. If it's a friend...it's not a friend. If it's a relative, cut them out. If it's a lover...well.

ScreamingLadySutch · 09/01/2020 10:29

You are so brave. You are right, its their cruelty and disdain when their heads are turned.

That is exactly what I should have said. I am sure he saw you meant it.

Let us know what happens

Original poster
NumbDazedSad · 09/01/2020 10:36

What was his initial reaction when you gave him the ultimatum as he left ?

It was silence, "yes OK, I'll give you my decision". It wasn't "yes, we'll talk..it will be OK. See you then, kiss on cheek".

i.e. not looking very positive.

OP posts: