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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I've just given DH an ultimatum

132 replies

NumbDazedSad · 09/01/2020 06:51

Things been very off for a good while, dating back to early last year. Possible affair or dalliance, I'll never know. DH has been an arsehole for months and months.

Over this period of time I've swung backwards and forwards between extreme sadness of possibly losing the man I love and have loved for nearly 30 years and anger. Over the past few weeks I've become more used to the idea of him going. It will be really hard, but he really is a massive arsehole.

I nearly kicked him out last weekend but wanted to see his reaction to a couple of things going on around us. He has just left for a business trip and I told him this on the way out.

"I can't carry on like this. My MH is going down the pan and I need to be in a fit state to look after the DC Also the DC are upset and massively playing up and this is not fair on any of us.

You have treated me very badly and enough is enough.

When you come back from your trip tomorrow I want a decision from you. Your 2 options are a) you commit to your family and your wife 100% and we carry on building this amazing life we have and address the problems we have at the moment which is basically we have fallen into a family and marriage rut. You treat me with love and kindness and you have to make the effort to make it up to me. Or, b) You leave. There is no c. The status quo is not acceptable. I want your decision when you walk through the door on Friday after your trip.

What do you think about what I have said? I said it and I mean it. This cannot carry on. I'm scared and I'm shaking though.

OP posts:
GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 09/01/2020 10:37

I don't want people thinking I ended it either. I want it squarely at his door.

Why?

Are you worried that people will judge you? Only you know what is right for you.

You say this isn't working for you. Your MH is down the pan. Your DC are upset. He has another place lined up (and has a key).

Why are you both waiting for the other person to end it?

I think your MH would probably improve dramatically if you took control and made the best decision for yourself and your DC. YOUR DECISION. Instead of waiting around, hoping someone else will take responsibility.

Yes, he is being a coward. But to be honest, so are you.

Your 'ultimatum' choice A basically gives him the option of saying, yes of course that's what I want, making all the right noises for a few weeks... and then back to square one again.

Just tell him you want him to go. Make your own plan for your life going forwards. You can do this and you and DC will be so much happier than drifting around in a miserable limbo.

I do wish you all the best, but one of you has to cut the cord. Make it you. Your DC will thank you for it in the end. Flowers

Original poster
NumbDazedSad · 09/01/2020 10:39

But to be honest, so are you

I know. I really do mean my decision. I'm trying to woman up. I've got ZERO support. No family or friends to help me out. Just Mumsnet!

OP posts:
bank100 · 09/01/2020 10:40

Brace yourself for his decision being B.
It sounds like he's emotionally out anyway.

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 09/01/2020 10:42

We can support you for as much and as long as you want or need.

Jellybeansincognito · 09/01/2020 10:44

You shouldn’t have to beg someone to do what you’re asking of him.

To be honest the relationship is over and I think you know this, can I ask why you won’t take that next step yourself? But will happily do it if it’s his decision?

You can’t live your life wanting his decisions when he’s gone? Why don’t you start that step now?

Amaretto · 09/01/2020 10:44

I want to be able to say to his relatives, my relatives and whoever that "he left us"

imo he laready has done that. You dont treat the person you are supposed to cherish in the way he has treated you. Therefore has already taken his decisions and made it clear. He is just not manly enough to actually go trough with it (or he muh prefers if he can put the blame on you if you end aying 'enough is enough' and go on playing the victim)

Mandarinfish · 09/01/2020 10:46

I think you're doing the right thing OP. Give him one last chance, and mean it.

But if he takes option C (i.e. stays but doesn't meet your criteria) then you need to be prepared to end the marriage. Honestly it doesn't matter what other people think about who ended it. You can tell people your side of the story, and the people who don't believe you aren't worth worrying about.

Amaretto · 09/01/2020 10:47

btw I would be ver weary of him taking option A, make the right noise for a few weeks or months for him to just go back to how things were.
With the added issue that you will then look like the unresonnable one because he will have tried will be nice but you will still have struggled like hell to trust him and have any respect for him (whhc I ma sure wil probably show in some ways)

Strawberryoranges · 09/01/2020 10:48

You can’t make him leave. He could stay if he wanted to.

MsMellivora · 09/01/2020 10:52

Is the key offerer a man or woman? are you worried there may be a potential romantic interest there.

I had one period of my 22 year marriage where things were bad. After being exasperated by DH just not listening I left him. I don’t know how long you have been complaining to your DH but I couldn’t manage more than six months. So I initiated separation, this was at around the 18 years mark. It wasn’t an ultimatum situation. I like you still loved him but knew it was affecting me. If it had ended it for ever then so be it.

Partners that are crap do deserve to be kicked out, I wouldn’t worry about what friends and relatives think. I know some of mine were shocked. To the outside world DH was a good catch but they didn’t have to live with him. I personally didn’t give a shiny shite what my sisters thought and they had some very strong opinions because it was my life not theirs.

Highfivemum · 09/01/2020 10:53

Have you spoke since ?

I think you don’t need to wait until Friday for ur answer. You know it already. Just end it now and save urself the heartache. Don’t worry about anyone else. End of day he was the one who wanted it that’s all you need to know.

Stay strong 💐

DotBall · 09/01/2020 11:00

I can't believe no one has picked up on the enabler in all this. What do
you think of the person giving him a key to come over when he is ready to leave? Someone close to out family

That’s unfair. Your DH is also entitled to support from friends or family. In your position I would be thankful that he has somewhere to go and I didn’t have to care/stress about where he might live initially.

LemonTT · 09/01/2020 11:01

The best response the OP can get is that he commits to B.

I mean this kindly OP but if he returns saying he is on board with A, can you really deal with it. The implication here is that he is involved elsewhere or you at least believe that. For your marriage to work he will need to be honest. That means hearing about the affair or believing that he is lying by denying it. And if she does exist who is to say she is going to walk away from him.

The alternative to an affair is that he has just checked out from his relationship with you. He can go through the motions to avoid divorce but his feelings won’t change and an actual affair becomes a very real risk.

As others are saying you should be the one to chose B. Sounds like people know anyway

CharlotteMD · 09/01/2020 11:05

I've got ZERO support. No family or friends to help me out. Just Mumsnet!

MN is an anonymous internet forum. Anybody can post just about anything on here. Before you end your marriage on the strength of what you've been told on here I would strongly suggest that you seek advice in the RL , hopefully from an informed and qualified source.

Cohle · 09/01/2020 11:06

I can't believe no one has picked up on the enabler in all this. What do you think of the person giving him a key to come over when he is ready to leave? Someone close to out family

I assume you mean his parents. Whilst he's obviously behaved badly, he's still allowed support from his family. If you're expecting your in-laws to "take your side" in a split I think sadly you'll be disappointed. He's their child.

JasonPollack · 09/01/2020 11:14

At the end of day by allowing him to treat you this way you are also contributing to the atmosphere and the damage to the children. If he comes back and umms and ahhs again you have to put your big girl pants on and kick him out. It doesn't matter what he says to other people.

Mandarinfish · 09/01/2020 11:14

Don't worry about the 'enabler' (unless you believe they may be having an affair with your DH). This mess is between you and DH to sort out. I guess they are trying to help?

babynewt · 09/01/2020 11:17

Hi OP

There is so much now on mediation, I think it's a really useful way to look at how separating finances etc will work. It may be you can remain in the house, and forfeit some/all of your entitlement to his pension, allowing him a chance to plan his life, if the decision is to separate. Go to a solicitor, asap ideally before he gets back (it'll show you mean business) get details of a good financial adviser for yourself. Keep strong, I promise you, you will feel clearer once you have got more information, and you will feel more in control of the situation.
The difficulty will be if he chooses the a option. Keeping it as a priority will also be a challenge, make sure he owns his responsibility to committing to this.

Best of luck

silenceofthemams · 09/01/2020 11:20

Please try to out aside the concerns over who left who OP. 💐

In the long term your peace of mind is more important than this detail, and if he's going to be a dick about it he's going to be a dick.

I played the waiting game with my narc ex as I tried to avoid the blame. When he walked out, it was his decision, but he tried to tell everyone....."I made him leave"

My reply...."well I really didn't move one of his legs Infront of the other" 🙄

And 5 years down the line, although I wish I'd stood up sooner, and enjoyed more time moving on with my life, it really doesn't matter anymore, it's tit for tat stuff.

Save your strength, assume you are getting option B, and start planning for it while you're alone this week.

Plan what you will tell the children together - depending on their age perhaps a simple Mum and Dad aren't making each other happy anymore, and to be better parents we think we should live apart. We still love you and we want to be the best parents we can.

Having him there for that seals his agreement with you and the kids, and they are the priority here.

If he responds negatively afterwards then he will just look a dick.

Amaretto · 09/01/2020 11:20

I would strongly suggest that you seek advice in the RL , hopefully from an informed and qualified source.

@CharlotteMD, can I ask who would be an 'informed and qualified source' in RL? because I acually would love to meet somone in RL whop coud do that for me but I have no idea who on earth it could be....

GiveHerHellFromUs · 09/01/2020 11:21

@Amaretto presumably a solicitor

CharlotteMD · 09/01/2020 11:26

What do you do if he simply ignores your ultimatum - you cannot evict somebody from their own house. I guess you'd have to file for divorce but then that will mean you will be the one responsible , at least on paper, for ending the marriage.

MorrisZapp · 09/01/2020 11:27

Informed and qualified source wtf??

Did you read the bit where he's already left her and the kids then come back, not once but repeatedly?

The only qualification needed for knowing this is an untenable situation is being human.

CharlotteMD · 09/01/2020 11:27

Amaretto a solicitor maybe

Amaretto · 09/01/2020 11:30

A sollicitor will tell you the legal side of things. Its not goig to help the OP to decide of seperating is the best thing to o or how to get on about it.
Which is wat the OP is asking for on here.