Partner no longer finds me attractive, I don’t know what to do.

[Unknownn5]

We’ve been together for 11 years, engaged and have children and own our own home. My partner has said he’s no longer attracted to me, as I’ve put on weight and I haven’t got the right attitude to loose the weight. Am I being unreasonable? Should I really put effort in to loosing weight so he finds me attractive again, at the minute I can’t get past how upset I am that my weight gain could actually end our relationship, but my logic tells me that I should loose weight and put everything I have into fixing this so he’s once again happy in our relationship, but my heart is broken at the fact that he thinks looks are more important than what else we have. I don’t even know if this post makes sense sorry, or really what it is I’m actually asking. Do I start trying to loose weight to make him happy, or do I hope that this is just a rut and we will be back to ourselves soon? Thanks I’m advance.

It's your weight now, next time it'll be something else he finds unattractive. Has he got someone else in his sights? He may be comparing you both and 'justifying' why he's cheating or thinking about doing so.

Has he told you he doesn’t love you because you’ve put on weight, or that he just doesn’t find you attractive anymore? Those are completely different things.

I put on 5 stone in the last few years. I was always a size 6-8 in my teens; size 10 in my twenties and 12 in my thirties...but just the past few years I’ve piled it on. DH tells me it makes no difference to him, but I know I’m not as attractive as I was...I can see that with my eyes. Fat doesn’t suit me. He’s being kind, but my DH is lying to me.

Do you like your weight? Are you happy? If so, tell him to bugger off. If you are sensitive about your size though, his revelation will upset you, but if it motivates you to lose weight and become healthier, it could be a good thing.

Does he love you? Do you feel loved?

If you do nothing, it’s unlikely he will suddenly become attracted to the larger you, so probably best not to think of it as a ‘rut’. But whatever changes you decide to make, make it clear you’re changing for YOU not him.

All the best 💐

It’s not necessarily another woman 🙄 I don’t know why we have to go there first.
He might just be saying ‘I love you, but not your present size...you’re different to what attracted me in the first place - but that doesn’t mean I don’t love you’.

I'm not sure that he's saying that your weight is more important than anything else - he's just said he doesn't find your additional weight attractive. It's not nice to hear, I can understand that, but we find attractive what we find attractive. My DH has gained weight again recently (having lost quite a bit and looked a lot more attractive to me as a result). I don't think I'd ever tell him that I don't find him attractive, but tbh I don't when he's the size he is. Is it better to think something and not say it, or to be honest? I don't know.

LTB

How much weight did you gain?

My DH gained a bit of weight. Then worked hard to lose it. I find him much more attractive now.

Loved him whichever weight he was. But it made me want sex more.

Does your weight affect your life in any way?
Are you physically fit?
Are you shy and insecure about your body in the bedroom and always want to cover up?
Do you complain about your body or the weight gain?
Do you make a big deal to him about going on diets and then give up after a day?

He said you don't have the right attitude towards losing weight...what attitude do you have?

Often it's not about the actual weight itself, it's that the weight causes other problems, with activity levels, sex and even just having to listen to moaning about it, and that's what some people find unattractive.

Thanks everyone. I’ve put on two stone over several years, used to be 9.5 stone before kids, now 11.5 stone, I’m happy with my weight and not ashamed of putting it on, lifestyles change etc. I asked if he loved me still, he said he loves me but isn’t in love with me, I don’t even know what that means.
I will loose the weight to make him happy and for our relationship, but part of me worries that I’m changing for him and us, not for me. Again, I don’t even know if that makes sense sorry.

he said he loves me but isn’t in love with me

Oh ffs that old line! do you think he'll fall madly in love with you again when you're HIS ideal weight for you?

I can't believe he finds you unattractive at only 11.5 stone that's ridiculous .my ex partner gained around 6 stone that's when I started to find him really unattractive also the fact he had no intention of losing it I couldn't be intimate with him any more and we split .
If you are happy with your weight then I would tell him to sling his hook if he doesn't find you attractive there's nothing wrong with your weight .

I was originally going to say perhaps he’s being polite and it’s workable but reading your last response OP, I’m afraid it sounds like he’s just using the weight as an excuse.

I’m sorry I’m going to have to say....LTB!

Nope
Don't lose weight for anyone but you

There's a very fast way to lose 14 or so useless stones

2st over several years isn't a lot and for me that would only put me at the top of my normal weight range at 5' 7". So unless you are much shorter than me I don't see the problem

It's not your weight, two stone is not a big increase. He's using this as an excuse. There is something else going on that he's not telling you.

The line ‘I love you but I’m not in love with you’ is not just about your weight and this would be my main concern, not the comment about attractiveness.

How did the conversation arise op? As the pp said, the not in love with uou is the bigger issue. Could there be someone else? I doubt loosing weight is going to fix this, I'm sorry,

If he can fall out of love with you for putting on 2 stone in 11 years after carrying his children, he is not worth your love or time.

@Unknownn5, I’m so sorry to read this.

You might have a look at this thread:

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3731473-Some-friendly-words-part-2-Its-over

We’ve all had this said to us, pretty much. A true partner helps their partner, and does not undermine them.

I was ready to say that he's just being honest and doesn't find the weight gain attractive now, and I totally understand that, however, him saying he loves you but isn't in love is very concerning. I'm not so sure it's just about your weight sadly, but I hope I'm wrong

So he has said he isn't attracted to you anymore and that he isn't in love with you anymore! Losing weight might make him find you more attractive, but if he can't be in love with you unless you weigh less then you are probably well rid of him! I hope he is an Adonis!

Lose the weight for yourself, if you want to- then see how you feel about him.

He loves you but isn't 'in love' with you?

Okay, that's different and more worrying tbh. Your initial post could've been him just being honest, but if he's giving you that old chestnut I think you should prepare yourself for the fact that this probably isn't all he wants to say. How have things been between you two lately? Has he been working late a lot? Seeming rather detached at home?

If he isn’t in love with you no amount of weight loss will make a difference.

If he can fall out of love with you for putting on 2 stone

She nor he said he'd fallen out of love because she gained two stone. He said he wasn't attracted to her anymore and blamed the weight and her mind set. She hasn't told us why he is not in love with her anymore, but they are usually two very different things.

Tell him to get to fuck.