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Some friendly words - part 2. It's over.

(204 Posts)
ASmallBoxofChocolateBunnies Wed 30-Oct-19 22:42:43

First of all I wanted to apologise to the lovely people who were so supportive on my original thread. I had it deleted because I had a weird 'outing' experience, but it doesn't matter now because this evening I had the phone call telling me it was definitely over.

I thought we had been making some progress trying to work things out, but no, it's done.

22 years destroyed in the space of a few months.

In his words, something just switched off. Which is nice.

I don't believe there is an OW, but I suspect there may well be shortly.

Moving away for a job, living in the village he grew up in which he had never wanted to leave originally, and where he now feels more at home than he has done in years. And yes, he did say that, although he did apologise when I pointed out that didn't make me feel super wonderful.

Too much time alone, too much time to dwell and gnaw at all the little things that weren't quite right, all the little niggles, and BOOM suddenly he's able to completely shut, bolt and nail the door up behind him,

And I am just broken. I know I am strong, I know I can get through this, but blimey, it is just, pain.

It seems such a dreadful waste. Ironically, if he hadn't got this job earlier in the year, we may well have been in Las Vegas now, celebrating 20 years of marriage, which is somewhere I'd always wanted to go, and we were going to splurge, irregardless of our not terribly healthy finances.

I just did not see this coming. I still believe our niggles, issues etc were eminently fixable. But fixing them needed someone who was present. And he evidently hasn't been for the past few months.

It seems to have happened very quickly in his head. There was a catalyst of moving within the village 2 months ago at which point it's like a light went out.

So we never had a chance really, he never said how he was feeling because there doesn't seem to have been a period of doubt, just love one day, nothing the next.

Have to work out how to tell the children (well, young adults).

As is so often the case, the one person I would turn to, talk to, the one person I could rely on to have my back, to make me feel better just by being there...is the very person who has broken me.

Of course I still love him. He's been my love, my person, my best friend for all this time, and to lose all of those is horrifying.

We 'got' each other so much, on so many levels just not having that is more than I feel I can bear. I feel like I'm bursting out of my skin.

When he first told me how he felt, and then when we were talking so I wasn't sure, but hoped there was a chance, I thought that limbo was bad, and actually knowing might feel better. It doesn't.

If anyone is there, please could you spare a moment.

I am very lucky, I have some wonderful friends, but at the moment I just can't go to bed and I feel, just, horrible.

Thank you

SuperbMonkey Wed 30-Oct-19 22:49:02

Just wanted to say I am so sorry and know exactly how you feel because I am in the same position after 26 years, 18 married. It is horrible. The worst experience I have ever had. Everyone says take care of yourself but that too is difficult. We do not have children which makes it easier and harder. Thank you for posting so eloquently.

ASmallBoxofChocolateBunnies Wed 30-Oct-19 22:51:42

Oh I am so sorry you are in this position too, SuperbMonkey.

It is unbelievably shit.

If you don't mind me asking when did it happen with you?

PatKelly Wed 30-Oct-19 22:55:49

Didn’t want to read and not comment. Sending 💐.
It’s unbelieveably shit. More stuff may crop up (if you suspect OW) but you can get through this. It will take time and lots of love from the ones who love you.
Sending you a supportive hug xxx

Interestedwoman Wed 30-Oct-19 22:57:28

So sorry to hear this is happening to you. xxxxx

SuperbMonkey Wed 30-Oct-19 22:58:57

I don’t mind at all. He told me on 2 September. He went away for a week to get ‘headspace’. He denies OW but I believe that he is lying. He now seems to find lies very easy. I don’t recognise him as the lovely kind, gentle man I married. He is now an arrogant, callous, uncaring, selfish narcissist. He followed the script to the letter and blamed me for, amongst other things, ‘wasting my talents’. I’ve always been more successful than him, so not sure where he got that from. He is the classic 53 year old runaway husband. Pathetic really!

ASmallBoxofChocolateBunnies Wed 30-Oct-19 23:06:38

Thank you Pat & Interested.

Superb - many similarities I think. Particularly in terms of 'who are you and what have you done with my lovely husband?'

Your 'wasted my talents' bit struck quite a chord, as me not being as driven as him, not 'maximising my potential' was added into the mix last week, when this has always previously been seen as a good thing, as we would balance each other out.

A few niggles, a bunch of stuff that had never, ever been flagged up as an issue whatsoever seem to have been an attempt at justification.

The couple of people I've told have been utterly shocked. It's not really much comfort to have been the couple everyone always thought was rock solid and amazing together.

Ironically, because he's on his own, no real friends, I had urged him to reach out to some family. One of whom I had, or thought I had, a brilliant relationship with. I kind of thought they'd tell him to give his head a wobble, but it appears to have been, 'well we like Bunnies, but you've got to do what you've got to do.' So bit of an own goal there.

I am so sad and angry and confused because it still doesn't make much sense to me.

mostlydrinkstea Wed 30-Oct-19 23:12:42

I'm nearly 10 months into an unexpected divorce. It was like a switch flipped and he went from lovely husband to complete stranger. I spent months trying to understand it and in the end decided that I couldn't. The pain is unreal. Physical. It does get better but it takes time. So sorry you are going through this. It sucks.

Barkingdogs123 Wed 30-Oct-19 23:13:38

Sorry to hear you are going through this, I am too. We were together 18 years, made each other's dreams come true and then nothing..I will never get over this.

crocoonimper Wed 30-Oct-19 23:15:00

Hi a small box of buns and a superb monkey
I am in the same position after 25 years together in 21 years of marriage.
The spark has gone you’ll always be my best friend always be there for you and the kids but I don’t love you anymore.
That was my speech I’m absolutely there with you in spirit
I moved into new house with the kids two months ago and he’s just moved into a new build it’s all very amicable and all very surreal and all very raw

SuperbMonkey Wed 30-Oct-19 23:15:41

Yes everyone thought we were rock solid too. One comment was that our marriage was ‘joyless’. Close friends of mine said that if our marriage was joyless heaven help the rest of them. His family and friends have ignored my existence which is hurtful. I did laugh when he took more stuff from the house at the weekend. His radar spotted a spare bottle of nice champagne in the garage and he swiped it (no doubt to toast his new love). He forgot his rhubarb gin though, so all is not lost ...

SuperbMonkey Wed 30-Oct-19 23:18:46

So many women in the same position. Comforting but profoundly depressing.

crocoonimper Wed 30-Oct-19 23:33:33

Superb Monkey it is depressing - I remember counselling several of my friends along with DH when they had relationship problems and feeling so relieved it wasn’t us and it never would be......
A smallboxofbuns - I had my first counselling session today and she said wow. I said wow what. She said you have talked non stop about how worried you are about your H and how he is and not even touched on yourself.... bit enlightening ....

ASmallBoxofChocolateBunnies Wed 30-Oct-19 23:39:51

So sorry mostly, barking and croco too.

And Superb, yes, comforting but bloody hell, depressing as anything.

I know I'll get through it, I know I am strong, but like Barking, I will never get over it.

Ultimately I think it will be the sheer lack of sense, the sheer waste, the sheer incredulity that someone can switch, just like that, the sheer self-absorption that will be hardest to get over.

Practically we are already living separate lives and have been for months. Which was all part of the grand plan, a means to an end for us to be in a better position financially, and with a new life somewhere he loved and I was happy to move to.

So at least that will be tidier.

But he seems to have given no thought to how he'll see the kids. He's fucked financially as the moves, expenses of running his own house have proved bigger than we both thought.

I said he needed to come down to tell them, as it wasn't fair to leave it to me, but he said he can't afford to. And I won't have him do it by phone (his suggestion!!!)

So I'll need to have another conversation with him.

I don't know what is going on in his head.

ASmallBoxofChocolateBunnies Wed 30-Oct-19 23:42:50

Oh, croco, I was talking with a friend this evening who told me, essentially, to "stop worrying about him, he's not your problem any more. You've spent too long putting him first.."

She may have used slightly different, more obscene words...

I have my first session with counsellor Monday. Booked when I wanted to talk through dealing with mending things, but now with a different purpose...

ASmallBoxofChocolateBunnies Thu 31-Oct-19 00:06:02

This is ridiculous. I need to go to bed but I am so jangly I feel like I've been mainlining caffeine.

He pursued me so actively at the start. I was quite happy having been on my own for several years after a very different traumatic breakup. He's always been the soppiest of us. Telling me how he's never been so happy, that we are so good together. We've been through some utter shit times withe bereavements, family issues, financial ruin etc and got through it all. We'd both been depressed for a while but even up to the last few months he was saying what a team we were, how we could handle anything together. Often bringing up all our happy times, and looking forward to the future.

How does that switch off overnight. I am bewildered. And angry that although he said he did genuinely try (for what, 2 weeks?) to make things work, it seems apparent he'd already 'gone'a couple of months ago.

And of course now I'm doubting everything. He did ask me to really think if I/we had been kidding ourselves. And I truly don't think we were. There is nothing I can see that we wouldn't have been able to resolve if we'd been physically together.

And I am angry with myself that I should have thought, should have known that him being alone like that would not be good. I wish I had told him not to take the job.

I wish he was still here. I wish I could wake up. None of this seems real.

TheStuffedPenguin Thu 31-Oct-19 00:18:24

Try to read the book Runaway Husbands . It really puts things into perspective . I've been where you are and was devastated and traumatised . Now I am happier than I ever was.

ASmallBoxofChocolateBunnies Thu 31-Oct-19 07:24:39

Thanks Penguin. Had a look at the website yesterday. Eye-opening. Wonder if I'll get the full-house of nastiness down the line.

At the moment he's all niceness, with some breathtaking casually thoughtless comments.

Didn't get much sleep.

Going into work as normal, and trying to decide when/what to say to ds & dd.

Still feeling unreal. I guess on one level I 'knew' this wasn't going to work. And at least I know I tried my hardest.

I almost wish I had a whole bunch of practicalities to sort out, but because of the situation there are very few, and it's all just sat there in my head.

Doggybiccys Thu 31-Oct-19 07:34:52

Hate to say it a smallbox but my own experience and that of many on here suggest he is able to switch off overnight as there is an OW now or waiting in the wings. Men like this need to compartmentalise and re write history to stop the uncomfortable feelings associated with knowing you are being an utter bastard to your family. I’m sorry this is happening to you flowers

ASmallBoxofChocolateBunnies Thu 31-Oct-19 07:52:58

Hey Doggy, I suspect you are right. He is enjoying being back in the village he grew up in, which he never wanted to leave, and where he now feels more at home than he has done in years (thanks, mate) also happens to be a few miles from a woman he had a long on/off history with well before he met me.

And who he did meet up with months ago, which I did know about, but it was all above board......

Lovely to have such familiar comfort on your doorstep!

I don't think anything has happened yet, but to say I would not be surprised if now something did is an understatement.

So weird. He's spoken of her every so often, never in derogatory terms, always been perfectly pleasant about her, but made it quite clear they would never have worked long term, not right for each other etc.

It just seems such a no brainer that he will go back. I might be wrong, but all just seems too, too convenient.

I just hurt.

unicornsarereal72 Thu 31-Oct-19 08:02:05

You are doing all the right things. Getting support around you and good people and getting into work. It feels like a half life. You Know you will get through this. As what's the alternative.

They lie. And probably has been for a while. My ex on Christmas Day said how he was so glad to be with the family. He couldn't believe he risked it all. Only to walk out on new year eve and not return. That was nearly 2 years ago now. And I'm just beginning to feel ok. It takes time to grieve and heal.

He need to tell the children with you. He needs to support the children moving forward financially emotionally and practically. How ever that looks.

For your well being go as low contact as you can. It sucks. Your go to person no longer has your back. Regardless of them saying they want to be friends. That is to ease their guilt. So they don't have to tell people they walked out on their family. They can show everyone how great he is by being friendly and supportive.

Just do what is right for you. And look after yourself

ASmallBoxofChocolateBunnies Thu 31-Oct-19 08:12:56

Thanks unicorn.

Financially he can barely support himself at the moment. And he is a long way away. I've largely been picking up the financial slack for him.

I know dd is already unsettled and unsatisfied with him. I don't want her to feel abandoned - for her emotional wellbeing, not his.

I think I might email him to lay this all out. Can't face another phone call just yet.

It is that feeling completely of my 'go to person' suddenly not being there. My absolute best friend and love. Who has always been so kind, so thoughtful, so loving, so generally great.

Don't get me wrong, there have been ups and downs along the way, but nothing major. We were always just so, solid.

Going to go now as must get ready for work and already have swollen eyes, can't make them worse!

Thanks all.

ASmallBoxofChocolateBunnies Thu 31-Oct-19 09:25:04

Didn't make it to work. Just all wobbly.

Thinking of telling dc today. DD on half term so will give her a few more days to process and I am so tired of lying that everything is ok.

Not sure if that's selfish.

mostlydrinkstea Thu 31-Oct-19 09:32:16

It does sound like there is something of a midlife crisis going on here. The world looks scary, he no longer has youth on his side, the body is not what it was, retirement is closer than it was 10 years ago. Rather than man up and deal with it he runs back to the safe and familiar world that is his childhood. He is probably expecting his life partner to enable him to do this and will be upset when you don't get with his new plans.

Basically you are dealing with an emotional toddler.

The children need to know that he has gone. Then cut off contact as much as you can given that you are coparenting. It is hard but he has made this decision and he needs to live with the reality of it and not expect you to make it happen financially or emotionally.

It is worth telling the school so that they can support your children who will know something is up.

ASmallBoxofChocolateBunnies Thu 31-Oct-19 09:43:50

Thanks mostly.

Mid-life crisis seems appropriate. Although we were totally a team on our new life plans, and working towards the endgame next summer. It's more that I just suddenly no longer fitted with his new world view.

He is essentially alone, no friends, no social life, a few family at the end of the phone, but largely just working.

Scared, yes, and as so much of his sense of self-worth comes from work, and it's not the most stable job he's in, every ounce of his focus is going on the job.

So everything else got squeezed out. It doesn't sound much fun to me.

But I'm sure the old ex, or someone new will come along and cheer him up. He's an attractive, funny, kind and intelligent bloke. He's never been short of female company. So I'm sure he'll manage.

He's been married before, and at various times he'd discussed how they ended. Generally involving lots of conversations and trying to make things work.

I never had that. No conversations, no clue, and a bare few weeks of 'trying'. I asked him why I wasn't worth that, after 22 years. "I don't know" was all he could say.

Like I said, a switch just went off, and I'm surplus to requirements.

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