Partner no longer finds me attractive, I don’t know what to do.

[Unknownn5]

We’ve been together for 11 years, engaged and have children and own our own home. My partner has said he’s no longer attracted to me, as I’ve put on weight and I haven’t got the right attitude to loose the weight. Am I being unreasonable? Should I really put effort in to loosing weight so he finds me attractive again, at the minute I can’t get past how upset I am that my weight gain could actually end our relationship, but my logic tells me that I should loose weight and put everything I have into fixing this so he’s once again happy in our relationship, but my heart is broken at the fact that he thinks looks are more important than what else we have. I don’t even know if this post makes sense sorry, or really what it is I’m actually asking. Do I start trying to loose weight to make him happy, or do I hope that this is just a rut and we will be back to ourselves soon? Thanks I’m advance.

If it’s these emotions then why would you not lose weight if you still love him

So today it is weight loss for the OP, but lets hope her "darling" partner never goes bald, gets a dad bod or in fact be in an accident or develops any type of illness that will have life changing effects for him, I mean the OP should not be expected to hang around for some "defunct" bloke after all.

This "love but not in love" thing is childish, when you are first with someone yes it is head over heels time and it's thrilling to feel that way, but in time it changes, it grows and matures, it should deepen and real emotional intimacy develops, however not all people mature and grow and what you end up with is some bloke who will chase after the size whatever ideal he has and chucks away a wife and kids. Tale as old as time, sadly.

OP I think you need real life support, this must have knocked the wind out of you and you do sound like you may need support for your self esteem.

@Chuckles

You can’t compare putting on weight to a life changing illness!!! It’s not relevant here .

And love growing and maturity ... what if you still want to have sex. And you only want to have sex If you’re turned on

This is not about your weight, he has made this about your weight but its really not. He will undoubtedly find another "flaw" in you to further criticise as a person and or otherwise undermine. No wonder your confidence has taken a real knock here, he is the cause of all that.

Is your "normal" in this relationship just you going back to being quietly uncomplaining and chugging along in the background whilst you continue to hand over all your power and control here to him?. With reference to this how long have you been engaged for?. I take it as read as well that these children have his surname rather than yours?.

Its often the case that when that line is uttered there is another woman on the scene.

What do you get out of this relationship now?.

What do you want to teach your children about relationships and what are they learning here?.

Why do people assume even though her partner has said it’s about weight and her attitude to This it must be something else.

The OP is not sure if she wants to be attractive to her partner which is fine. But equally fine for him to decide if someone is not bothered about being attractive towards them they won’t be attracted!

Sometimes I think with weight / appearance/ sex Mumsnet is full of unhelpful advice when in the real world if you put a bit of effort in you’ll find it makes for a happier relationship

If your partner tells you a change to your appearance (that you can reverse) has made you less sexually attractive to him and you care about being found sexually attractive to your partner, it makes sense to make this change.

Everyone here will give you an explanation of what's going on in your partner's head from their own ideological viewpoint, stemming from their own experiences and insecurities. Your partner has told you something plausible and actionable, so believe it (until he gives you reason not to) and decide whether you're willing to make that change.

Mumsnet advice is nearly always counter intuitive to how humans initially attract one another into a relationship. Everyone makes an effort to appear attractive when meeting for the first time.

2 stone is a fifth of your weight, for some appearance is a significant driver in attraction. For some reason some parties seem to think making an effort in how we appear to out partners and even others is not important. Then they blame everyone else when they're unhappy, medical conditions aside, no one should be gaining excessive amounts of weight, it;s not healthy and for some, kills attraction and relationship happiness.

And some people like to use math to be a total bitch

I can understand how someone can not be attracted to someone who has no commitment to losing weight, but that would be if they put on excessive amount of weight and had no consideration for their health and didn't care if they kept putting it on. It wouldn't be about how they look physically, but their ambivalence to their health. However, at 11.5 stone you don't fall in to this category. It's normal for people to have a preference for a certain look or a certain size at the time they're dating, but once in an established relationship, looks aren't the reason you're with someone or why you love them.

And love growing and maturity ... what if you still want to have sex. And you only want to have sex If you’re turned on

I’m guessing you’ve not been in a LTR. After many years together, most couples work the other way around. They decide they want to have sex and either do something to put them in the mood or just they just start and they soon get in the mood.

They don’t always wait until they feel turned on first.

Unless the OP is 4’6”, 11.5 stone is a very average weight and would not be a turn off for most Loving husbands with a normal sex drive.

Which is why most posters are saying that he’s probably had his head turned. It’s not her body that’s the problem, it’s his guilty conscience.

People can’t control who and what they are attracted to, that’s not how it works. You can’t really blame him for no longer being attracted to you after a significant weight gain, however you can blame him if he doesn’t try to work around it to find a way to make your relationship work anyway. Everyone looses their looks eventually, it shouldn’t mean that their partners fall out of love with them.

I think the weight thing depends on the person and their physique. If I was 9.5 st I'd be heavy but just about get away with it, 11.5 st and I'd probably be obese. I am not 4'6", I'm not even petite.

I have had a partner who put on a lot of weight when they were at least overweight and probably obese before. I found it offputting.
I tried to hide it and didn't mention it. Before anyone lays into me, we're talking about a partner who was morbidly obese and it was affecting his health. I am female btw.

If the OP is morbidly obese then the sensible thing to do is to get medical advice. She probably isn't but if she is starting to put on weight, it is generally easier to lose a few pounds than a few stones.

Her DP is not going the right way about it by making her feel unattractive.

I should have said I am slightly taller than petite. 11.5 st would not be normal for my height. Some people might not be overweight at 11.5 st.

OP, your DP sounds horrible.

You should never change yourself to make somebody else happy. Now it is ur weight, next it will be your personality or he will start dictating your likes and dislikes. You shud only change things about yourself because you want too. I am sorry to say this but your OH sounds like a dush! Love is much more than someones appearance. Take a good hard look at ur marriage and ask yourself are you happy before u go changing yourself for anyone

So sad. Thread above you is about the opposite, a woman no longer finds her husband physically attractive.

Certainly lose weight (not 'loose' :-)), and become generally fitter but because YOU want to do it.

Many years ago I lost interest in my husband physically but still loved him; I felt trapped and unattractive, wanted more. It made me quite depressed. When my son was nearly eighteen I decided to go it alone; we'd had many problems including financial - husband's business went bust and it changed his personality, he was really not nice for a while. I was prepared to support him but we were pulling in separate directions and I was totally demoralised, feeling as though I was bottom of the heap.

It was exciting to be on my own for a while but got involved in a couple of quite dangerous relationships (they didn't seem to be dangerous at the start), which nearly broke me. In the meantime, husband got his act together and desperately wanted me back - we'd never stopped loving each other, just for a while we had a horrible relationship and didn't like each other. I did go back and wished I had never left, he was devoted to me for another twenty years and then he died.

I wish I could back and do things differently but I know he felt the same. Hindsight and all that. The grass is rarely greener on the other side - maybe if you are in an abusive relationship and then find a decent partner but my husband wasn't ever abusive. Every day I miss him and look forward to the time when I can rest in peace.

Maybe I shouldn't have posted the above, I don't usually chime in on such threads because I know my situation is not the same as others - each relationship is different..

Whatever happens I wish you well. x

PS: I really should have posted the above on the thread about the woman no longer finding husband attractive, I'm sorry I got a bit confused between the two.

You can love someone but not fancy them if their body has changed. 11.5st is quite large. He probably feels like you’re not making an effort to look nice. It’s not pleasant to feel that your partner doesn’t care what they look like or if you’re attracted to them or not. You would complain if he made himself unattractive because he wore scruffy clothes and didn’t get washed, for example.

Why do people assume even though her partner has said it’s about weight and her attitude to This it must be something else

This is so true. The amount of BTEC psychology on here from some people trying to make it to be some other root cause is disingenuous.

Most (not all) people would find a 20% weight gain in their partner unattractive

Personally I think 2 stone is quite an increase, speaking from my own experience, when I went from 11 odd stone to 12st 10lbs I looked fat and saggy, my upper arms changed, my thighs had dimples and that's NEVER happened as my legs are usually pretty great looking. My middle literally stuck out almost as much as my boobs and my face lost definition. I've lost 10lbs and am in my way to looking good (feeling happier) but that 2 stone changed me from someone who was proud of what see saw in the mirror (able to wear the clothes I liked) to someone who felt incredibly unattractive and dare I say it but middle aged (I'm 40 so yeah I am). Just for context I'm 5ft 10 so at 11 stone I'm a size 12 to 14 which is good for my height at 12st 10lbs even size 16s were tight.

I would like to add though that if he truly loved you, I don't think he'd be so damn nasty about it though, I think maybe your relationship is having a rocky patch Regards of dress size.

If you want to lose weight that’s your choice. It’s also your husbands choice if he wants to be with you if you don’t. It does sound like he classes your relationship based on looks over personality though

Erm, the way he's spoken to you is not the way someone who loves you should speak to you! And why do you keep saying sorry? You've nothing to be sorry for. He's a jerk.

Lose weight for yourself (if you want to), not for someone else. What if you lose it, he says he loves you again and then you gain weight again? Would you be happy with his feelings for you being contingent on your weight?

Busted and Luckstar

What should her partner have said to her ?

If it’s important to have good communication I’m not sure it’s fair to him to just say nothing so her feelings are not hurt. He telling her what he feels. The OP can either decide if she wants to lose weight or if she doesn’t want to.

Did you mean Buster? I'm not sure tbh. There is no nice way of saying it, it's like the last thing you want to hear but he can't help the way he feels, I think I only put my second post because I thought I'd be slaughtered.