Partner no longer finds me attractive, I don’t know what to do.

[Unknownn5]

We’ve been together for 11 years, engaged and have children and own our own home. My partner has said he’s no longer attracted to me, as I’ve put on weight and I haven’t got the right attitude to loose the weight. Am I being unreasonable? Should I really put effort in to loosing weight so he finds me attractive again, at the minute I can’t get past how upset I am that my weight gain could actually end our relationship, but my logic tells me that I should loose weight and put everything I have into fixing this so he’s once again happy in our relationship, but my heart is broken at the fact that he thinks looks are more important than what else we have. I don’t even know if this post makes sense sorry, or really what it is I’m actually asking. Do I start trying to loose weight to make him happy, or do I hope that this is just a rut and we will be back to ourselves soon? Thanks I’m advance.

To be honest op I don't know why your focus is on weight and attraction, the fact your partner has told you he no longer in love with you is the much much bigger issue here and the one uou should be focusing on,

2 stone?! You're 11.5st? He's a cunt, OP! I'd be losing weight fast, him.

I'm sorry OP but it doesn't sound good and it's unlikely to be about your weight.

I'll be honest, my DH has put a lot of weight on and it has had an impact on our sex life because it's more uncomfortable and more of an effort for me (we're talking a lot more than two stone here). But I would never talk to him in the words your DP has used to you - because I do love him, and I don't want to hurt him, and it would be hypocritical when I'm not the slim young thing he married either, and I know it's in part disability related. So I encourage us both to consider becoming a bit healthier instead.

It sounds as though your DP has checked out and in your shoes I would be seriously considering my options and preparing for a life without him - ideally on your own terms.

I love you but I'm not in love with you

There's even a book about it

He's playing away, or hoping to, and is going to make it all your fault. Dump him before that happens.

And if you're happy with your weight, don't change it for anyone

he said he loves me but isn’t in love with me, I don’t even know what that means
It means he has had his head turned!
My ExH went from 14 to 20 stone (tall man) and I loved him just as much.
It's a piss poor excuse for his cheating or his wanting to cheat.
Making it look like your fault when it's not your fault.
I'm the similar weight as you and only 5ft 3. I still look good.
So I'm assuming he is the spitting image of Jessie Pavelka!?
You could shed 12+ stone of dead weight immediately!
He's a cunt.
Using your weight for his excuse to cheat if fucking low!

If HE put on 2 stone, would it make a big difference to how you feel about him ? He is definitely using the weight as an excuse ... if you had said maybe 10 stone then I could see maybe why he was feeling differently - men can be visual physical creatures, not an excuse but they can be - but love is love, regardless of size, looks, no one stays the same, we age, we have illnesses, pregnancy reshapes our bodies permanently, he should love you for you; sorry but if it isn't the weight he will find another excuse ... you deserve so much better .. xx

I think hats off to him for being honest.

Mine just relegated me to childminder/maid/gardener/administrator, went off and found an OW who blew smoke up his a*. Funny, she wasn't that slim either

My DH put on weight and I did struggle a bit. It wasnt just me being shallow about the weight. I did still find him attractive but HE didnt like his body. Sex happened less often and as much as I reassured him he was insecure.

He had an unhealthy BMI and his food habits got very unhealthy. I am very sporty and love health and nutrition (I know I sound tedious but i do love it). He would be out of breath more and was fatigued from his terrible diet.

I am not a shallow person but I did struggle with his weight gain

That being said I think the way your OH has handled this is terrible. Especially if you're a healthy bmi and actually eat well. For me it was about health and his attitude. Which could be different in this case.

I just think the situation can be a bit more complex than hes a shallow asshole and she should leave him.

" he loves me but isn’t in love with me, I don’t even know what that means. "

Oh dear, drtft.

That is an ominous phrase www.psychologytoday.com/za/blog/schlepping-through-heartbreak/201310/i-love-you-i-m-not-in-love-you

Wow 11.5 stone would be my goal weight. But whatever weight you gain it doesn’t impact you as a person. I don’t even know what I weight but I’m a good size 16. I get a lot of interest from men. Most men do not care about body shape and sizes. He’s a dick and that’s an excuse.

11.5 stone after kids is not fat! Maintaining 9.5 stone is unrealistic surely?! If he only loves you if you’re 9.5 stone then that’s really weird. It doesn’t sound like he ever truly loved you if a little bit of weight gain (2 stone isn’t huge) can change his feelings. There’s more going on here. You could easily lose half a stone with diet change and getting yourself a Fitbit and doing a couple of exercise classes each week. I’d be tempted to do that just to see what he said when you said you’d lost half a stone. I’m guessing this is all an excuse because he actually wants out and no amount of weight loss will change it. Actually do you even still want him now he’s pulled this stunt? The answer should be NO!

He’s being an idiot if you only weigh 11.5 stones!!

I think there is more to it than the weight gain. You both seem resentful of each other and maybe some of those resentments accumulated and affected the relationship and how he (and you) feel about each other.
Taking care of yourself - weight, hygiene, etc - is part of making an effort to be attractive to the other person. And - irrespective of how much one loves the other - failing to doing ‘self maintenance’ will affect how attracted your partner is to you.
Your attitude (more than the actual weight gain) is what he seems to he reacting to. You think it shouldn’t matter. And possibly it’s reflected in the way you are eating and he is watching it and thinking that the weight gain will continue.
And I am sure his reaction makes you resent him. So it’s a vicious circle.

Not sure how you’d get out of it, frankly.
In your place - I’d think about the weight and making your diet/exercise routine healthier.
Not for him but for yourself.
A few kg after kids is fair enough. 13kg is a sizeable gain, especially if you aren’t very tall. And if it’s an ongoing gain, then your health would suffer.

There's an easy way of losing useless flab. I lost about 19 st of it overnight.

I think your comments are really unsupportive, don’t think you are a girls girl, I think unknownn5 must be feeling pretty low and comments like this won’t help

That's not the amount of weight gain you end an 11 year relationship over.

I think there's other stuff going on with him.

I love you but I’m not in love with you

This is just normal life. “In love” is just last and limerance and that fuzzy feeling fades for most over the years but is replaced by a longer standing and more permanent “love”.

he said he loves me but isn’t in love with me

Rolling my eyes alongside PPs who highlighted that line. I'm sorry that you had to listen to that cliché.

Do you want to lose the weight? If so, do you have the resources (time, organisation, energy) to do this right now while you're in some distress? Has your partner offered to help you in constructive ways or is he only prepared to criticise you?

Fixing yourself will not fix his unhappiness. In all likelihood he will find some other 'fault' to criticise and justify his attitude towards you.

Do YOU want to lose weight OP? If you’re happy, tell him to fuck off.

It’s one thing to find someone more or less physically attractive because of how their body has changed. If my dh gained 2 stone, I would probably find him less attractive too. I’m probably a stone or 2 more than when we first met after 2 dc, I’m sure he probably doesn’t find me as physically attractive as I was when I was slimmer and in my 20s. But neither of us would ever say it. It’s a bit hurtful to make a big deal of.

But to say you don’t love someone anymore surely has nothing to do with their weight. I would love my dh no matter what he looked like, as long as he hadn’t become a raging twat. If his love was purely based on the physical, it sounds like it was pretty shallow to begin with.

Hold on a minute!

What does he mean by ‘in love’ does he fancy/ Feel sexually attracted to/ excited by ?

If it’s these emotions then why would you not lose weight if you still love him

I say this as someone who’s partner has put on weight and to me it’s an indication that they’ve got not interest in me

He won't fall in love with you again if you lose the weight.

@magoria

How do you know that . I think I’d fall in love with my partner again If he lost weight

If you want to lose weight then do so, but DON'T do it just to please him. There is nothing wrong with your weight at present. He's a dick.

Tell him to do one and work on getting your confidence back. He's a CF. How perfect is he exactly?