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Original poster

How do I ask my friend to stop flirting with my husband?

124 replies

CastaNettes · 08/01/2020 00:21

My friend and I are complete opposites - she is feminine, always wearing makeup and always somewhat a bit of a damsel in distress.
I have noticed on several occasions that when she speaks to my husband, she seems to be switching on her little charms - her smile goes a bit wider and the look is sort of from under the brow and the voice goes softer and there is this giggle going on. you know what I mean.
She would never try anything more, I am sure of it and my husband is not the type to cheat. However, I’m beginning to get mildly annoyed with it. I have dismissed it on SO many occasions because I feel very safe in my relationship but it is getting a bit annoying now and it’s pointless so I think it’s time to ask her to stop messing around. Ideally, I’d like not to sound like a cow when I raise this with her. Her behaviour makes me feel uncomfortable in that it’s a bit pathetic now. I don’t know. Any advice would be highly appreciated.
Wanted to add that I told my husband what I thought was happening and the weirdest thing is, he had no comments or questions to add or anything, which I find strange. If you told your husband that you feel you know what your friend is doing because you notice her flirting with him, surely he’d have something to say?
Confusing situation.
Thank you for reading.

OP posts:
Whatsnewpussyhat · 08/01/2020 00:24

She is not your friend. If she was she wouldn't be doing it.

Hoolahlah66 · 08/01/2020 00:27

Call her out in public, I would. Maybe make a joke of it? Like “ oi you stop flirting with my husband, you’re not that desperate are you?”

Snufflesdog · 08/01/2020 00:27

Had this friend
She denied it
It was always with not very serious bfs
Our other friends would also comment on it
She eventually did it with a serious partner as we got older
Denied it
I spoke to him about it,
He agreed it was happening and it was uncomfortable
I ditched her.
10 year friendship
But who can be bothered with that sort of friend.

Original poster
CastaNettes · 08/01/2020 00:28

Part of the thing is, it’s just who she is. I just want her to not be so blatant and do it with my other half. Thing is, our little ones are the bestest of friends and well yeah, I’m putting up with this crap to maintain my kid’s happiness

OP posts:
KellyHall · 08/01/2020 00:29

Does she interact with all males this way? Some women do. If you know she'd never actually want anything to happen, maybe you just need to get over it.

A friend of mine got extremely paranoid about me and her husband, to the point I felt I couldn't speak to him if she wasn't there. It drove a huge wedge between us and we ended up falling out massively. We didn't speak for 5 years.

How much does it actually matter, really?

Original poster
CastaNettes · 08/01/2020 00:31

I guess it doesn’t matter that much, and that is why I have put up with it for so long. However, I am sure many of us sometimes have those moments of doubt: am I thin enough, pretty enough, do I dress well, am I good enough? That’s sort of thing

OP posts:
Landlubber2019 · 08/01/2020 00:32

I wouldn't accept this and wouldn't be putting up with it.
She isn't your friend.

Sarcelle · 08/01/2020 00:33

It's disrespectful to you.

Aquamarine1029 · 08/01/2020 00:34

Your friend is pathetic and the reason your husband didn't say anything is because he enjoys the attention.

KellyHall · 08/01/2020 00:35

We do all have moments of doubt but life's too short to let those moments be any more than fleeting.

Sometimes shit happens, but most of the time it doesn't. So don't miss all the great stuff worrying about what probably isn't worth worrying about.

skatesbythesea · 08/01/2020 00:41

I'm not sure you can ask a friend to change their entire personality. Do you think she is doing it intentionally? If someone said to me 'stop messing around' I would be mortified and upset that they would think that was my intention. I would feel like a silly girl in short. That may well be how she comes across.

If I had to address it (and I think it would change your friendship but maybe needs to be said) I would say 'I've noticed that you change when you are speaking to x, you become more animated, it sort of comes across like flirting'.

That way you are just making an observation without making inferences about her intentions.

I agree its odd that your DH didn't comment that he had noticed or not. He may just have not known what to say but agree he should have at least said something so you know he has your back.

FreshOrangeClementine · 08/01/2020 00:47

Ditch her, before it gets worse.

zasknbg · 08/01/2020 00:51

If it’s for your child, keep the meet ups to you, her and the kids. No need for your h to be there.

Original poster
CastaNettes · 08/01/2020 01:16

Thing is, our families hang out quite a lot together and I think my husband is quite good friends with her husband.

OP posts:
Original poster
CastaNettes · 08/01/2020 01:18

And no, she isn’t like that with everyone generally. That’s what’s so uncomfortable about it.
I do feel that hanging out just us, without the husbands might be the way forward. However, I do want to raise it with her somehow. This is because I know myself - I will let it go many many times and then eventually explode into a huge rant and tell her exactly where to get off

OP posts:
minesagin37 · 08/01/2020 01:24

Just say ' look I need to speak to you about something because it's making me feel X' 'I've started to become aware that when you are in my husbands company you act Y' 'Can you shed some light on this please because I don't want it to affect not only our relationship but our children's, and it will if I don't raise it'.

DragonUdders · 08/01/2020 01:28

Can you ease back on the family get togethers? - don't suggest them yourself.
Meet her away from the house, just the 2 of you or go to soft play with kids without husbands.

Basically, cut out her opportunities to flirt.

Sadiesnakes · 08/01/2020 01:35

It matters a great deal actually. It's disrespectful and the amount of "innocent" flirting that gets taken too far is real.

She's not actually your friend and you are being naive to believe that given the opportunity they wouldn't take it further.

Plenty of men and women not the cheating type but still manage to cheat,🤔

Andylion · 08/01/2020 02:12

she is ... always somewhat a bit of a damsel in distress.

This would drive me batty, whether or not she was acting this way for the benefit of my husband or not.

Onthemaintrunkline · 08/01/2020 02:21

If it’s obvious enough for you to notice and it’s been an ongoing thing then, in my opinion, she needs a talking to.

MsDogLady · 08/01/2020 03:41

Why on earth are you tolerating this blatant disrespect? They are both making a fool of you.

This woman is not your friend and you have an H problem. He didn’t respond to your concern because he enjoys the ego boost she provides. He should have already shut her down out of respect for you. Why hasn’t he?

Ingridla · 08/01/2020 03:55

I agree with @minesagin37 I'd call her out on it in such a way she has to face up to her behaviour and has no option but be confronted with her blatant inappropriateness. I wouldn't have fucking stood for it for so long but that's just me (I'd likely have made a what the fuck are you doing face and confronted her!) but you need to tread carefully as other people are inadvertently involved, namely the kids & your respective DHs, best of luck with sorting it out.

AgentJohnson · 08/01/2020 03:57

I’m putting up with this crap to maintain my kid’s happiness

I call bullshit on this statement. You haven’t said anything because you wanted to avoid the confrontation, which is fine but you need to be honest with yourself before you can be honest with her. It doesn’t have to be a massive confrontation just point out how her behaviour is coming across and how it makes you feel. Tell her you value her friendship but it will not be detriment of your emotional well-being. You could also begin mirroring her behaviour towards your H which often shames the recipient into confronting and modifying their behaviour.

alexdgr8 · 08/01/2020 04:14

don't ask her, tell her: stop flirting around my husband.
if she denies it, says you're mad, just repeat, cut it out. its out of order.
keep repeating same message , as necessary. keep it snappy/ short.
don't discuss. assert your position. say cut it out, its not on.
you also need to be careful re your husband. his lack of reaction is worrying. as you say, its not normal. this is trickier. she is basically of no importance to you, but her behaviour needs challenging.
he is obviously of great importance to you. he sounds flattered by the attention. most men can be tempted. can you get away, you him and children, or just you and him, even if only for a weekend, to re-establish your strength and affection as a family.

Monty27 · 08/01/2020 04:21

Omg OP she sounds awful. The trouble is if you call her out on it she'll deny it.
Give her as wide a berth as possible.