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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

How do I ask my friend to stop flirting with my husband?

124 replies

CastaNettes · 08/01/2020 00:21

My friend and I are complete opposites - she is feminine, always wearing makeup and always somewhat a bit of a damsel in distress.
I have noticed on several occasions that when she speaks to my husband, she seems to be switching on her little charms - her smile goes a bit wider and the look is sort of from under the brow and the voice goes softer and there is this giggle going on. you know what I mean.
She would never try anything more, I am sure of it and my husband is not the type to cheat. However, I’m beginning to get mildly annoyed with it. I have dismissed it on SO many occasions because I feel very safe in my relationship but it is getting a bit annoying now and it’s pointless so I think it’s time to ask her to stop messing around. Ideally, I’d like not to sound like a cow when I raise this with her. Her behaviour makes me feel uncomfortable in that it’s a bit pathetic now. I don’t know. Any advice would be highly appreciated.
Wanted to add that I told my husband what I thought was happening and the weirdest thing is, he had no comments or questions to add or anything, which I find strange. If you told your husband that you feel you know what your friend is doing because you notice her flirting with him, surely he’d have something to say?
Confusing situation.
Thank you for reading.

OP posts:
GiveHerHellFromUs · 08/01/2020 04:39

I can't believe people are telling you to ignore something that's clearly making you feel uncomfortable.

Tell her how her behaviour makes you feel. If she doesn't like it, tough.

Does she act like that around your husband when hers is there?

How old are the kids? Do they go to school together? Do you actually really need to facilitate that friendship?

powow · 08/01/2020 05:34

How long have you been friends? I have a friend I’ve had since before marriage and kids and trust her implicitly. Sometimes she has a little flirt with my DH and it’s fine because we’ve known each other for decades. If somebody I’d made “our kids are friends” friends with then nope. She wouldn’t have access to my husband anymore. Ditch the family get together as if she’s just a recent friend. You don’t really know her and your husband is obviously flattered. Time to shut it down. Hard.

Monty27 · 08/01/2020 05:39

I think she'll enjoy it if OP displays distaste. Just NC her

bubblesforlife · 08/01/2020 05:48

Some people are just twats.
This girl is a twat.
Call her out, in a jokey way: “hey, flirt with your own husband”, and embarrass her in front of other people.
If she keeps it up, have a more serious conversation. Either way, the relationship will be impacted as you won’t ever really trust her.

CheddarGorgeous · 08/01/2020 06:07

Would your husband address it with her?

"You're not trying to flirt with me are you? Because I'd find that disrespectful to my wife, your friend."

incognitomum · 08/01/2020 06:16

Your dh is enjoying it.

thickwoollytights · 08/01/2020 06:19

When you ask her about it she'll deny it. She may not actually know she's doing it, but I think she does. Still, she'll deny it

Also I think she'll ask ' what does Mr Casta say ' ? And I'm interested to know what your answer to this question will be - because imo he's the biggest problem here.

If he had already told her to stop and treated YOU respectfully by asking her to stop , none of this would be happening

Why hasn't he stopped the flirting from her? Is it because he doesn't want to upset your friend and therefore your friendship (but he could have talked to you about this before he called your friend out, if he was worried )

Or does he enjoy the attention?

Monty27 · 08/01/2020 06:21

Yep he's probably loving it.
Very disrespectful on both parts.

TheCanterburyWhales · 08/01/2020 06:22

Apart from speaking softly and giggling at him, which you say is what she's like anyway, what has she actually done?

Hanab · 08/01/2020 06:25

I think the lack of any reaction from your DH is what is really bothering you. You have this niggly feeling and it is intensifying. You have to address this issue or it is gonna drive you mad.

haggistramp · 08/01/2020 06:33

Be prepared to lose this friendship. If you dont say something you said you will eventually explode and rant. If you do say something be prepared for your friend to be mortally offended and drop contact with you. You are asking her to change her personality because you dont like it and almost implying that she is trying to sleep with your husband.

MiniTheMinx · 08/01/2020 07:03

I would only agree to arrangements that left the husbands out. If she asks why just say "because I'm unhappy about the flirting" it's easier to be honest without causing huge offence if you are answering a direct question. If she's asking why she will almost certainly be conscious of her flirting and already know the reason you don't include your husband.

MsDogLady · 08/01/2020 07:06

And no, she isn’t like that with everyone generally.

This woman isn’t as flirtatious with others. She is intentionally cozying up to your H and he is permitting it and encouraging her by not putting up an appropriate boundary.

Are you sure that they aren’t in touch outside of your get-togethers?

TheStuffedPenguin · 08/01/2020 07:14

Have you noticed how she is with her own husband ? The reason I ask is that a "friend" of mine had an affair with my H as her own H never gave her enough attention.

wheretonow123 · 08/01/2020 07:16

You mention that your husband made absolutely no comment about it. That does seem a strange reaction (or lack of).

I think it may be better if your husband is the one to take her up on it and it may be harder for her to deny and the reaction may work better in that it would prevent a fall out between you and her. You many still need to say something but I think he should start to react / recoil when she does it to him.

MashedSpud · 08/01/2020 07:24

I’d say “Do you flirt with everybody’s husband or just mine?”

Or I’d go NC. She knows what she’s doing.

Plumbus · 08/01/2020 07:31

Be prepared to lose this friendship.

This.

Ariaty · 08/01/2020 07:32

You could tell a fictional story about how another friend does this and how desperate she looks.

I’m putting up with this crap to maintain my kid’s happiness. I wouldn't, it'll be putting you under a lot of pressure your child will pick up on.

Longblondeandblueeyes · 08/01/2020 08:03

Sorry to be blunt, but in my experience, I think they are already shagging.

I had this twice in my first marriage. The first time I was pretty young (about 25) and all of a sudden my best friend started acting weird around my H. Bending over showing cleavage. Saying sexual stuff etc. I never said anything. Too timid at that age.

The second time (different friend) wasn't quite so obvious, but I had suspicions, and when my H was asleep I checked his phone, and all the texts were there to see the affair.

BOTH times they were shagging.

You say you are confident in your marriage, but honestly so was I. I had absolutely no clue. And (I know this sounds awful), I was stunning, slim, we had regular sex and I was a good wife to him....there was NO logical reason to shag anyone else, but he could, so he did.

Needless to say, he isn't my H anymore. I am now married to someone far nicer who wouldn't tolerate this shit, and honestly, if any woman did what you describe around my DH, I would go absolutely batshit and call them out on it, in front of everyone. Something I was too reserved to do when I was younger.

Alarm bells for me : when you raised this with your DH, he didn't say anything......hmmm.....I'd be getting a look at his phone if I was you, you could be in for a shock.

BlackSwan · 08/01/2020 08:04

I had a (v attractive) friend who did this with my now DH... she was so blatant. Would usually be 'normal' but around him the conversation would turn risqué, like talking about a magazine article about orgasms...I went NC with her, when she cut an article out of the newspaper (pre-internet days) about how women who owned dogs were much more balanced emotionally than cat owning women: she said 'Give this to your DH before he tries the real deal' Shock. Naturally I had a cat and she had a dog. She couldn't believe I went NC, but it was very liberating. I just took the oxygen out of her campaign.

Original poster
CastaNettes · 08/01/2020 08:15

I think I’m a bit hesitant on all of this because I’m a stay at home mum (about to start working though) and my husband works from home so I know for sure they are not shagging. However, she is my so called bestie and on couple of occasions they have been taking the kids to the park just the two of them in terms of adult company. Plus the kids. So yeah I do find it strange.
Another thing is, I do not mind observations and non-confrontational. I go full speed “monkey with a bottle of tequila and a handgun” type of BALLISTIC.

OP posts:
Longblondeandblueeyes · 08/01/2020 08:38

on couple of occasions they have been taking the kids to the park just the two of them in terms of adult company

Quelle Surprise.

My Bestie (and she really was) was also shagging the next door neighbour. He was married to another friend of ours. They fucked in the Utility room when the kids were playing in the next room. She was recently divorced and she would ask him over to help with jobs she couldn't manage. There were no such jobs. He would pop over for half an hour, they would shag, then he'd go home to his wife. This was before she set her sights on my H.

Obviously we are not friends any more, but I sometimes see her on FB....still socialising with that couple and I am guessing probably still shagging this friends DH. I've seen recent photo's where she and the wife are on a night out together etc....wife has no idea what's going on under her nose.

Rule out nothing.

Strongmummy · 08/01/2020 08:45

If she’s a true friend you should be able to have an open dialogue about this, although if this is just how she is as you say and you feel safe in your relationship I don’t really get what the problem is. Just keep your distance

TheVanguardSix · 08/01/2020 08:49

You really, really need to just kick her to the kerb, OP.
She's not your bestie.
It's the height of disrespect that she's using your DH as her flirting soundboard/react-o-meter.

ittakes2 · 08/01/2020 08:49

I agree with others I would question the friendship, but if you want to continue I would sit her down by yourself and tell her you care about her and want to stay friends...but both you and your husband feel she is flirting with him by doing X and X and can she stop doing it. It looks better that you and your hubby are a united front on this as it would make her feel powerless - I suspect she would be mortified to feel your husband has openly told you he has noticed and wants it to stop.