Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Flip

1 2 3 4 5

Original poster

How do I ask my friend to stop flirting with my husband?

124 replies

CastaNettes · 08/01/2020 00:21

My friend and I are complete opposites - she is feminine, always wearing makeup and always somewhat a bit of a damsel in distress.
I have noticed on several occasions that when she speaks to my husband, she seems to be switching on her little charms - her smile goes a bit wider and the look is sort of from under the brow and the voice goes softer and there is this giggle going on. you know what I mean.
She would never try anything more, I am sure of it and my husband is not the type to cheat. However, I’m beginning to get mildly annoyed with it. I have dismissed it on SO many occasions because I feel very safe in my relationship but it is getting a bit annoying now and it’s pointless so I think it’s time to ask her to stop messing around. Ideally, I’d like not to sound like a cow when I raise this with her. Her behaviour makes me feel uncomfortable in that it’s a bit pathetic now. I don’t know. Any advice would be highly appreciated.
Wanted to add that I told my husband what I thought was happening and the weirdest thing is, he had no comments or questions to add or anything, which I find strange. If you told your husband that you feel you know what your friend is doing because you notice her flirting with him, surely he’d have something to say?
Confusing situation.
Thank you for reading.

OP posts:

EBJ · 08/01/2020 09:06

I had a 10 year friendship with someone that not only flirted with my husband but told me 'he would have married her if he had met her first' and the last time I saw her we were our for dinner with a group of friends including her boyfriend and she announced to the table that she wanted to sleep with my husband. I always laughed it off as she's clearly jealous, but her behaviour in the end means we are no longer friends for many reasons including this. Have a chat with her and tell how it's making you feel and if she continues ditch her!

Troels · 08/01/2020 09:06

I'd just call her out in front of everyone. Next time she does it. "Jesus christ friend, stop flirting with my husband" Then change the subject, she will hopefully be so embarrased in front of her own husband she will stop, or at least end up having words with her own Dh and it will stop.
The friendship is pretty much over anyway. I wouldn't hang out with her just so the kids could play. Kids will find lots of friends as the years go by.

dottiedodah · 08/01/2020 09:13

I think just to meet up alone at the moment.Both she and your DH are dissing you .If you feel uncomfortable ,you feel uncomfortable ! She obviously likes your DH, and he is flattered by her attention .Many people ignore this kind of thing ,but most people who have affairs know the person involved quite well .Im not saying this will happen to you ,but its not impossible either .Can you maybe look for a new friendship couple or maybe "flirt" with her DH and see how she likes it!

ofay · 08/01/2020 09:16

Your DH is the bigger problem here OP. You have no idea how things are between them when you're not there, he's certainly not discouraging her.

Time to go ballistic I think, but no gun.

HoneysuckleSpeck · 08/01/2020 09:28

Call her out in front if everyone. You might want to do it in a jokey way but be clear....

“HAHAHA! Oops, here she goes... wide eyed giggly mode! Ok! You flirting with my husband again missus?! Haha!”

Your “haha’s” could be accompanied by death stares if you’re good at that sort of thing.

HoneysuckleSpeck · 08/01/2020 09:29

“Oi!” not “Ok”.

Sassanacs · 08/01/2020 09:31

You don't need 'friends' like that

Gwilt160981 · 08/01/2020 09:32

Give her a wide berth. She's no friend.

TheReef · 08/01/2020 09:35

I would call her out on it in front of your dh too. A jokey 'oi , do you mind, stop flirting with my husband lol'

BorissGiantJohnson · 08/01/2020 09:37

Maybe she genuinely doesn't know she's doing it. Can you record her on your phone and then show her? Otherwise it's just a case of you think she's doing X and she thinks she's doing y.

Or just ditch her, both you and dh.

KundaliniRising · 08/01/2020 09:37

Your dh needs to step up and call her out on her behaviour.

He needs to put space in between him and her.

Why has he not said anything?

His silence when you talked to him about it is concerning and i would question that.

Ohyesiam · 08/01/2020 09:39

Another thing is, I do not mind observations and non-confrontational. I go full speed “monkey with a bottle of tequila and a handgun” type of BALLISTIC.

I don’t understand this OP , but I think you are saying that you can’t confront without losing your shit? Is that why you haven’t confronted her?

Sunsetsandmoons · 08/01/2020 09:40

I would also be concerned that they are going out together, even if it’s with the kids. If she is flirty when you are there, what is she like when you are not?

I would not consider her a friend any more tbh.

Ilovepinot · 08/01/2020 09:43

She is not your friend. Does she have a partner? Maybe she is jealous you do, either way she is behaving inappropriately.

RhubarbTea · 08/01/2020 09:47

Another one who thinks they are already shagging. His reaction to you mentioning it is so telling,a nd the biggest issue here. He should be hooting with laughter and 100% backing you on this, you should be united and feel like a team.
The fact he is friends with her H is really tricky because even if you ditch her, he'll still see her but just without you there. I think you need to address the issue from within your relationship, via your H and not by speaking to her or cutting her out. Your H is the issue, really. Because if you felt he was on side the whole thing would just be a daft joke.

TooLaidBack27 · 08/01/2020 09:56

Same between my OH and his nephew's wife- only 6 years' age difference between them. My OH dismisses it every time I mention this, but I can see! OH and his nephew are very close and we all meet at least couple times a month. Not sure what can I do, except, wait and see - and hate nephew's wife.

Original poster

CastaNettes · 08/01/2020 10:42

It's just my personality. I seem to let go of a lot but when the floodgates open, hell breaks loose. I will throw stuff at her from 4 years ago, I'm that petty and vindictive and out of control of I do not maintain control. Basically. My life is mostly trying not to flip my shit on every corner. So I'm trying really hard and most of the time i am ok, but when the proverbial shite hits the fan, its ON

OP posts:

Original poster

CastaNettes · 08/01/2020 10:43

Jeepers. I do sounds like a nice lady. Not.

OP posts:

Deathraystare · 08/01/2020 11:02

she is ... always somewhat a bit of a damsel in distress.

This sort is called Hurty Front Bottom (HFB) by my Brother, after a Fast Show sketch where a woman -normally quite normal becomes a goo goo gaga voiced nitwit around men. When a woman Dr told her she had thrush she demanded a proper (male) Dr and said "Ooh Dr my front bottom is hurting (all in a silly baby voice).

You could take the piss out of her I suppose. What does her husband do or does he not notice? Perhaps she is trying to make him jealous??

Olliephaunt4eyes · 08/01/2020 11:07

You guys aren't friends anymore. You don't like her, you don't trust her, you're trying to figure out how to have a go at her about her facial expressions and the volume of her voice, which absolutely will not go well.

Detach. For her sake as much as yours - I'd not want a pseudo friend who slagged me off on the internet because she didn't like the angle my head was at around her husband.

FeckArseMerlot · 08/01/2020 11:17

Oh god she sounds like a massive twat. We’ve all known women like that and for some it’s just their default mode for interacting with males. Silly in teenage / early 20s years, pathetic as a grown woman.
Like you, I find it odd that your husband didn’t have much to say about it.

There was a situation recently where someone was doing this with my partner, and he was the one to point it out to me. He thought it was daft (and made a point of not picking up on the hints to ‘help’ with things, damsel in distress style). I’d be irked if I were you that DH didn’t acknowledge her behaviour!

I’d definitely be looking to distance myself if this was me. As others have suggested, maybe limit the meetups to stuff with the children. If your husband wants to meet with her husband he can.

No need to make a big thing of it, just phase her out. It’ll be so refreshing when she’s lurking around anymore.

FeckArseMerlot · 08/01/2020 11:19

Deathraystare Love it

FeckArseMerlot · 08/01/2020 11:20

Agree RhubarbTea

mamato3lads · 08/01/2020 11:22

I'd say something but ne prepared it's not the type of thing you can just say to someone and expect things to carry on as normal. To accuse someone of flirting with your husband is a big statement

I'd fuck her off personally.

And your husband had nothing to add because he already KNEW....probably enjoys the attention....?

fringeforever · 08/01/2020 11:45

I'd just stop seeing her by whatever means possible

Flip

1 2 3 4 5