How do I ask my friend to stop flirting with my husband?

[CastaNettes]

My friend and I are complete opposites - she is feminine, always wearing makeup and always somewhat a bit of a damsel in distress.
I have noticed on several occasions that when she speaks to my husband, she seems to be switching on her little charms - her smile goes a bit wider and the look is sort of from under the brow and the voice goes softer and there is this giggle going on. you know what I mean.
She would never try anything more, I am sure of it and my husband is not the type to cheat. However, I’m beginning to get mildly annoyed with it. I have dismissed it on SO many occasions because I feel very safe in my relationship but it is getting a bit annoying now and it’s pointless so I think it’s time to ask her to stop messing around. Ideally, I’d like not to sound like a cow when I raise this with her. Her behaviour makes me feel uncomfortable in that it’s a bit pathetic now. I don’t know. Any advice would be highly appreciated.
Wanted to add that I told my husband what I thought was happening and the weirdest thing is, he had no comments or questions to add or anything, which I find strange. If you told your husband that you feel you know what your friend is doing because you notice her flirting with him, surely he’d have something to say?
Confusing situation.
Thank you for reading.

I wouldn’t feel so safe, OP. If she feels no loyalty to her H, why would she feel loyalty to you? She knows that you have pursued illicit ego boosts, and she seems to consider your H to be fair game.

You don’t know her true intentions and your husband has stonewalled you.

It could be that her H’s best friend has strong boundaries and won’t bite. She is now helping herself to your H, and so far he has been keen by entertaining her flirting and failing to shut it down. If he’d wanted to, he could have batted away and diverted her seductive focus, but he hasn’t and likely has no plans to. After all, they sometimes meet in your absence and probably intend to continue. (He is not at home 24/7, is he?) His lack of feedback when you showed concern speaks volumes.

It sounds like they are enjoying the thrill. What is your plan now?

My plan is now to tactically retreat myself. Part of me thinks that of anything is happening between them, regardless of what I do or do not do, it doesn’t matter. I don’t know if it makes sense. I can physically chain his body to his office wall, but if his mind and heart is elsewhere, that’s what it is. It sounds like something out of a Disney movie, but you get the idea.
However, I also am a big fan of the School of Life Vida on YouTube and don’t believe in romanticism so part of me wants to barge right in there, taking fate in my own hands, so to speak and instruct them to cut the crap. I dunno. Maybe it shows a deeper thing, that I can’t be bothered and me flirting shamelessly with someone over a year ago was a symptom of a need that is not being addressed in this relationship and we need to fix something. Maybe I’m so blasé about this thing because part of me deserves the taste of my own medicine and part of me actually wants to see where all the chips are gonna land. Who knows.
I just want to tactically retreat and see if, of all people, my dear husband displays any signs of immediate need to meet up with any of them. Makes me feel a tad predatory.

I do feel sad about my little one potentially losing his bestie tho.
Should I go fly dramatic and ask: do I save my marriage here or my child’s friendship?

In your case, you stopped the flirting/thrill seeking and told your husband. You set a boundary for yourself. Are you now going to passively sit back while he and your so-called ‘friend’ carry on and rub your face in it? Where is your self-respect?

Personally, I wouldn’t tolerate this disregard and contempt. I wouldn’t give them my tacit permission by keeping quiet. This is not a game, so work on your marriage or end it. Is this the relationship model that you want to show your son?

Ahhh so you flirting with someone was because your husband wasn’t meeting your needs yet god forbid he flirts with someone.

You sound odd the more you post.
“Y’all” “bestie”

Is this real?

You aren't friends. Either she is hitting on your DH, or your guilty conscience from your own dalliance is having you see issues where their are none.
End the friendship and work on your marriage. Also if your temper is as nasty as you say it is, I would recommend anger management as well.

Did you tell your husband about your online relationship? If you were honest with him I don't think he can use this as an "excuse" for showing utter disrespect to you. If you haven't told him are you worried that you're friend will? I speak from experience, there will always be this kind of woman hanging around your relationship unless you find a way to communicate. And that's not easy to achieve unless he is ready to admit there is clearly a lot wrong here. I'm not going to judge you for your flirting or for your simmering anger about this. It's no life for you or your child.

There's no saving the friendship. Even if you and your husband split you'd never trust her with any man you met. Just accept that's dead in the water and work on your marriage.

Please do not punish yourself over a guilty conscience as you are in effect punishing yourself son.
You have corrected this anyway. Lesson learnt.
Everyone enjoys a little ego boost.
Marriage takes effort.
Sometimes more than others.
Communication is key.
Spending time together and appreciating each other is very important.

Time to be brutal. Next time she does it ask 'what the Hell was that?' And when she looks at you all wide-eyed with faux shock just repeat the last thing she said to your husband in a sickly sweet syrupy voice, followed by one of her trademark giggles but exaggerate it for emphasis. Then follow it up with 'I don't think you realise how bizarre you sound'.
She'll probably never talk to you again but good riddance I say!

I am divorced. All but 2 of my friends are married. Would I flirt with any of their husbands - absolutely not. It’s not what a friend does. I would end it even if it is hard for your DS regarding his friend. It sounds like your marriage needs some time/work to get back on track - I don’t think what happened with you last year would have happened if you were content. The last thing you need right now is this woman in your lives.

Thank you so much for all the comments. I have to say, there are so many valid points raised, definitely a lot to think about.
I have to add that I wish I knew people like you guys in real life, but it takes so much time and effort in real life to find, get to know and trust someone to be this honest and open with your responses to someone disclosing their problem.
In fact, this is the very thing I will miss about having her in my life if in the end I lose that relationship with her.

This has turned a bit grubby now.

It sounds like a mess, tbh. Just stay away from her. Since she knows about your flirtation, she might think you don't mind her flirting with your husband. Who knows? But I'd stay away.

I suspect your marriage is doomed anyway tbh

This has turned a bit grubby now

Not really. OP is being honest. There are issues in her marriage - what long term marriage is perfect?

Hopefully OP, you are getting some insight here. Are you worried about the lack of passion in your marriage now? It is hard to maintain that, it takes work, and sometimes therapy whether online or in person, can help. It sounds to me like all these issues, the flirty friend, the dalliance, the suppressed fury/frustration, are symptoms. The real issue here is your relationship needs some work. But it doesn't sound disastrous to me. Get some help and address the issue at its source and you shouldn't need to lose your friend or your DH.

Have you looked at Esther Perel's site? Or considered a relationship counsellor (private ones often more accessible than Relate and often no more expensive).

Good luck OP.

How old are you all?

Mid thirties, mostly

I get the feeling your marriage isn't satisfying you. I think that's the root cause and removing her won't fix it.

I echo PPs who have suggested you make her feel uncomfortable/embarrassed in front of other people.
Joke about her behaviour and make her feel like it's obvious to everyone and everyone's feeling sorry for her/laughs about it at her expense.

"Ahh there she goes again with those googly eyes at my DH oh come on "name" don't forget about your own or he'll feel put out hahaha!"
"Good old "name" with her flirting. Just be careful poor DH already looks for an escape route at the mention of you incoming hahaha!"

If she thinks she's not so sly and the butt of people's jokes it will probably keep her in check.
And obviously limit any socialising with partners.

@alvnip
Has got it spot on.
Marriages do need work.
Love won't work without:
Kindness , respect , playfulness ,
Support etc etc.

@alvnip I mean.

@CastaNettes how have you managed it? Did you say anything or is she still doing it?

I have been successful avoiding them altogether @Changename5000
That's my strategy for now. I'm not sure how its gonna play put long term. I will defo not encourage gatherings where other halves are involved as much as I can. We do go to the same playground though so we shall see how things are when the weather is warmer. I'm honestly feeling a bit more relaxed now. I have also cut down on day drinking, which was something I did not quite connect with our dynamics before now. So there. High fives all round methinks. Thank you for following up

Hopefully all will be well, and if not plenty of suggestions for dealing with her