Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

How do I get him to leave?

113 replies

StLucia4 · 06/01/2020 23:49

I own my house. It’s mortgaged.

Boyfriend has lived here 18months. I’ve own it for 25years.

Relationship has broken down beyond repair. I want him to leave.

The problem; he has no job, no savings, no friends or family to call upon and £15 in his account.

He was working but unfortunately the job came to a natural end and there are no offers on the horizon.

How do I get him to leave?

OP posts:
ferrier · 06/01/2020 23:53

Is he refusing to leave or is it finances?
If finances, can you afford to get him started in a rented flat until benefits kick in.

MyKingdomForBrie · 06/01/2020 23:54

Just tell him he needs to be gone by x date, maybe in say two weeks time, arrange for a locksmith on that day if you think he'll be tricky. He must have lived somewhere before he lived with you? If it were me and I could afford it I'd probably give him enough for a month in a house share or something so I could feel confident he'd go and not be on the street. He'll be able to get some kind of job in the next few weeks to cover his rent ongoing.

12345kbm · 06/01/2020 23:54

If he's not abusive, let him know that the relationship has ended and he has until X to move out. Then he has until that time to find somewhere else and to leave.

If he isn't gone by then, call him a cab and dump his stuff outside. If he refuses to leave, ask a friendly peeler to escort him off the premises.

HollowTalk · 07/01/2020 00:00

The thing is that she has to live with him if she gives him notice.

Can you afford to give him money to go? That would be the easiest solution. Of course it's not fair that you should have to do that, but it would get rid of him in the fastest time. In a week he could be gone, whereas if you leave it to him to get a job or a friend then that could take months or years.

HollowTalk · 07/01/2020 00:01

On the other hand, if he is abusive, I'd kick him out immediately.

BumbleBeee69 · 07/01/2020 00:02

you TELL him to leave.. it's not your responsibility to provide him with funds or a bed .. he can sofa surf with a friend is he's desperate... if he won't go.. hit 999 Flowers

Icanflyhigh · 07/01/2020 00:20

Your house, you own it. Just tell him to leave. He is not your responsibility.

Original poster
StLucia4 · 07/01/2020 00:24

Sadly I don’t have the funds to set him up somewhere or I’d gladly help him as my money has to cover everything.
He’s not abusive.
It’s not that he’s refusing to leave because he doesn’t want to, he has nowhere to go and no money to do it with.
I’ve come to the end of the line.
He’s desperately trying for new jobs but even if he’s successful he won’t have money to put petrol in a company car nor can I bear to let him stay until he saves up enough money to set himself up.
That’s even IF he’s successful in getting a new job.
Would the police be able to kick him out?
I’m sad because despite him being a good man and he’s fallen on hard times I don’t want to see him living under a bridge.
I’m not responsible for the crap he’s put himself in either.
Can I really see him on the street.
I’m going to book an appt with Citizens Advice.
Do benefits take 6weeks to come through?
I don’t think I can bear him staying for another 6weeks.

OP posts:
Zofloramummy · 07/01/2020 00:25

Isn’t he claiming job seekers? He should be unless he voluntarily left his old job.

Original poster
StLucia4 · 07/01/2020 00:30

That’s the problem. He doesn’t have any friends he can stay with.
I can’t believe this has happened.
He used to rent a few years ago before he moved in with his last gf. I’ve known him for years.
I was happy for him to move in.
I didn’t think he’d be jobless if the relationship ever broke down!

OP posts:
Chocmallows · 07/01/2020 00:32

He is quietly refusing to leave, because he is not actually leaving.

You will need to bag up his stuff and put it outside. He will need to talk with family and friends and the council.

Original poster
StLucia4 · 07/01/2020 00:33

@Zofloramummy apparently he wasn’t able to claim Jobseeker’s Allowance as I earn too much money which is definitely not a lot but apparently I’m just over the threshold.

OP posts:
Original poster
StLucia4 · 07/01/2020 00:35

@chocmallows he doesn’t have family nor friends. I’m hoping he can get into emergency housing but he says even that costs money?!
I will have to find out.

OP posts:
Chocmallows · 07/01/2020 00:37

No he will have to find out, because he is an adult and not your child.

Zofloramummy · 07/01/2020 00:41

He needs to ring council housing and explain the situation and he needs to get a job (any job) ASAP.

12345kbm · 07/01/2020 00:44

You can contact Shelter or get him to.

He might also find this helpful: www.homeless.org.uk/search-homelessness-services where he can look for homelessness services in your area.

You could also ask around, see if anyone you know is looking for a lodger, lots of people are nowadays.

See if there's any work available with live in accommodation or house sitting until he gets back on his feet. House sitting?

He could also use couchsurfer It's a downloadable app where people can apply to stay on someone's sofa. It's usually used to travel but needs must.

BaileysMadeMeDoIt · 07/01/2020 00:45

Do you mean he literally has no family and no friends? How did you meet him? He could always sign up with a temping agency for work.

Original poster
StLucia4 · 07/01/2020 01:00

@Chocmallows he’s happy to ring CAB but I said I’d do it because I no longer trust him. I don’t want him to come off with some cock and bill story that suggests anything other than they can’t help.
He’s tried agency work but nothing happening.
I’ve known him for years. He lived locally and was earning well prior to his downfall.
Hes a decent guy but sadly when a relationship breaks down, most people have friends or family they can rely on.
He has no-one. He’s very insular and prefers his own company but when he’s out and about, he’s as chatty as they come. ie to staff at restaurants, coffee shops etc.

OP posts:
Original poster
StLucia4 · 07/01/2020 01:08

I guess I learned the hard way and the phrase ‘you don’t know someone until you live with them’ certainly applies here.
I truly believe he has Aspergers (which may explain his lack of friends) but I certainly didn’t know this prior to him moving in.
He’s very charismatic, loyal and attentive and we were very happy but due to his Aspergers I soon found him difficult to live with.
I asked him if anyone had ever told him that he has traits of Aspergers - he said no but he did admit to knowing he was ‘different’ from others.
We are both in our 50s so maybe it wasn’t as well known then as it is now.

OP posts:
EsmeSwan · 07/01/2020 01:25

Well kick him out first thing, tell him to report as Homeless at the council, they then have a duty of care to find him somewhere, which will then trigger his application for Income Support/UC

Inappropriatefemale · 07/01/2020 01:46

He could get a homeless place from the council for free the same day that you kick him out, give him a letter to take to the council to say that your throwing him out and make sure you date it on the same day as you kick him out because most councils are particular about this, if you were say throwing him out on the 10th of the month then he couldn’t go there for a place on the 9th as technically, he wouldn’t be homeless just yet.

Do not feel sorry for him and allow him to stay until he found somewhere as you’ll never get rid of him. I lived in a homeless B and B for 8 months and it’s not that bad, it’s something you must do to get a council/housing association home.

Inappropriatefemale · 07/01/2020 01:50

Omfg my current ex boyfriend has Aspergers and this was what I couldn’t live with either, he has OCD too and I moved out in the middle of our relationship as I couldn’t stand being supervised whilst I used the washing machine, couldn’t stand that he would take 3-4 hours to have a shower and he would do it at 3am when I had to wake for work at 6.30am and he was very unsociable and expected me to be the same way, he also blackmailed me every time I ended it.

I was his first serious girlfriend for him and we got together when we were 32. Because I told him I loved him (I thought I did at the time) then he wouldn’t let it go that I no longer didn’t, he kept saying ‘but you said you loved me and it should be forever’Confused his Aspergers made him literally literal, I felt like his carer rather than girlfriend.

Inappropriatefemale · 07/01/2020 01:51

My ex had been diagnosed with Aspergers at age 28. What makes you think he has Aspergers? Sorry I didn’t read the whole thread.

Thelnebriati · 07/01/2020 01:55

There are housing associations specifically for homeless men, and some for older men so google for housing associations where you live and print out a list with contact details for him.
He would probably have to spend some time in a hostel or B&B before he gets a place, but he will become eligible for benefits from the day he becomes homeless.

DonKeyshot · 07/01/2020 02:01

Unless he's got a formal diagnosis/disability he's not a 'vulnerable adult' and no council has a duty to house him.

The CAB are unlikely to be able to help and your best bet is to use the 'homeless' link given by a pp above to see what services are available in your area.

Benefits can take several weeks to come through but I find it odd that you apparently earn too much for him to claim Jobseekers. Even though he's living under your roof courtesy of your kindness/sense of obligation at the present time, surely he's claiming as a single person in which case your earnings won't be a factor - I'd check that out if I were you.