How do I get him to leave?

[StLucia4]

I own my house. It’s mortgaged.

Boyfriend has lived here 18months. I’ve own it for 25years.

Relationship has broken down beyond repair. I want him to leave.

The problem; he has no job, no savings, no friends or family to call upon and £15 in his account.

He was working but unfortunately the job came to a natural end and there are no offers on the horizon.

How do I get him to leave?

OP isn’t it convenient that the day you tell him he has to go that 2 suitable jobs come in for him and he has applied for them?

Hi @Inappropriatefemale he has been applying for sales jobs independently everyday. He works mostly from 9am-5pm applying for jobs, writing letters to companies with CVs. The two I mentioned were sales admin covered by agency which he’s too over qualified for but may just get. He used to work in sales earning 50k plus per year. I have seen bank statements which support this.
This is why I’m loathed to let a decent guy go without one last ditch effort. I’m no longer in love with him but I’m giving him one last chance to get his shit together.
If nothing comes to bear he knows I’m left with no option but to make him leave. By this time he will have done his research and be on his way.

Op okay, sorry if I was suspicious but I can’t help it when it comes to men!

@inappropriatefemale don’t be sorry. I’m grateful for your input. I never thought I’d ever be in this situation. I guess neither did he. I’m sure he feels absolutely crap so I’m trying not to make it worse for him albeit I do get the occasional dig in .
I’m sure he will step up if that’s possible as I know he’s working hard. He works at the kitchen table with his laptop and doesn’t move except to eat lunch so I can’t ask more than that.

The job market isn’t easy when there’s over 100 people going for one job!

StLucia
You sound really kind and it’s very decent of you to give him this reprieve. Sounds like his life has imploded after losing his job. Hopefully he will get things sorted and take your exit date seriously. Best of luck to you both

@BovaryX thank you so much for your kind words. They mean so much.
I was asked how I met bf and I explained I’d met him locally. This is true but there is a back story that I thought wasn’t relevant.
I’ve know bf for 35 years.
We 1st met at 18yrs old in the Royal Navy. We dated for 4 years. I was posted abroad. We were engaged. I met someone else and we went our separate ways.
I reconnected with him via fb 2 years ago. I asked where he was living and it turns out he was living in my home town 20mins away
We met up after 35yrs apart we fell in love . I dated him for a year before I was sure I was ready for him to move in.
Perhaps that’s why I’m being kind.
I’m sad for him as I was the one he’d never got over. He wanted to get married but I could see difficulties in his personality. That’s when I realised he had Aspergers.
This is why I guess I’m being supportive.
I don’t blame myself for the situation he’s in. I still think he should have had savings but there it is.
When he was aged 19-23 his Aspergers wasn’t identifiable. We were young and innocent

I’m shocked at how his mind works. I’m not a medic but my guess is - he’s autistic. I’m unsure if there’s a fine line between them autism and Aspergers.
When I met him he came across as aspirational, charismatic, interesting. Well dressed, articulate. On our first meeting for coffee it seemed like we’d never been apart. It was truly amazing.
Now ... I wish I’d never looked him up! It’s been one hell of a rollercoaster. It’s time to get off and get my life back. I will be sad as there has been some amazing times but i can’t continue to live with him.

When he was aged 19-23 his Aspergers wasn’t identifiable. We were young and innocent

That’s such a moving account and the backstory is both sad and revealing. I think it’s a real testament to your kindness that you are trying to help him despite realizing the relationship is over. It’s very sad that his life has unraveled like it has and perhaps that is related to his condition. Anyway, I just wanted to say I think you’re being very kind and I really hope he uses this time to sort himself out. The best of luck to you both

Probably explains why he’s never married. I did think that odd when I met him!

My ex has Aspergers and OCD and was a nightmare to live with because of it.

Thank God he doesn’t have that too!

He’s just off the phone from the agency. She’s not putting him forward for the two sales admin roles as he’s too over qualified. He’s a sales person, not an administrator.

He has phoned SSAFA (Veterans charity). They have forwarded his info to the British Legion and they said to expect a call within 2-3 days.

Whoop! Progress. My heart is aching for him :(

@BovaryX thank you

So what if he is over qualified, he needs a job and surely he can just tell her he wants it regardless? after all he could get another job once he gets this one, it’s easier to get another job when you already have one.

Does he have any pensions? If he is close to 55 he might be able to access some money.

Also any jobs with accommodation? I know someone very much like him, down to the use of complex English language who was also homeless when a relationship ended. It actually turned out to be the making of him as it was the wake up call. He got a job with accommodation that was very isolated which suited him and after a few years he was able to move somewhere more flexibly.

High functioning ASD is not easy to diagnose especially when young as the naivety is often associated with youth. The man I know is not a bad person but he would be difficult to live with.

@Inappropriatefemale sadly it’s her call and her reputation. She said “I can’t put you forward as yr too over qualified. They’ll wonder why the hell you want this job as potential employers will think you’ll leave after a month”.
@Techway he has a pension that he can’t get at until he’s 60. He’s 58.
No jobs available that involve accommodation.
I’m feeling a bit more positive now as we are a little further forward.
If British Legion come up with the goods he will be able to leave sooner rather than later.
@Inappropriatefemale did you make a clean break with yr ex?

Ahh okay op I get you regarding the recruitment agent.

No I haven’t made a clean break from my ex as he is a fucking psycho but that’s a whole other thread

He takes certain things literally due to the Aspergers so because once upon a time I told him I loved him (I thought I did at the time/maybe I did) then he doesn’t get why I don’t want him now and he can’t cope with change at all and me leaving him was major change.

I should have listened to his mother

@Inappropriatefemale oh dear. I’m laughing at yr comment re yr exes mother!
I asked bf if ANYONE hasn’t ever commented in 30 years of dating that they think he has Aspergers/Autism. He said ‘no’ but he did admit he KNEW he was different from a young age. When yr 18, like most of our forces pals, all we were interested in was sex, music and alcohol. I can honestly say our 4years in the 80s were perfect. No problems whatsoever.
I couldn’t believe it when I messaged him online and found he was living nearby.
Can you imagine it ... In 2017 after 35 years apart I said. “So, where are you living now.... ?” When he told me, I was like “You’re f**king kidding me! it was fate that he was 20mins away.
I too, thought it was a fairytale love story Uh oh haha.

My ex was diagnosed at age 29 from a pharmacist! Well she didn’t diagnose as such but she knew something was up with him and yet his own parents didn’t notice which I find odd and he used to visit a challenging behaviour doctor and then when he got diagnosed with Aspergers then he immediately felt better as he finally knew what was up with him, I was his first serious girlfriend and he was 31 when we got together!

His mum said ‘you’ll never get rid of him’ and I thought she just didn’t like me but she was warning me!

I too thought it was a fairytale that he and we’re together!

We were at high school together and I was friends with his sister, he was in the year above me at school and then I bumped into him in 2014 and we hit it off, or rather I sort of overlooked the fact he was socially awkward due to the fact he was gorgeous! I’m paying for it now, I was actually in a bad place when we met and I think I wouldn’t have went with him otherwise!

He is still in my life and we haven’t had sex since Sept 2016 because I no longer feel anything romantic or sexual for him and I still can’t get rid of him, I think the police need to help me.

Don’t get me wrong I agreed to be friends with him but I’ve never been pals with an ex before and I just thought that we’d text each other from time to time...if only, I see him weekly

@Inappropriatefemale sorry to hear about your exp and the aftermath of your relationship.
I understand how hard it must be to break away.
Given our past history I think it will be in his best interests and mine, to make a clean break.

It’s only hard to break away StLucia4 because he is a psycho and funnily enough Aspergers and Psychopathy have a few of the same traits!

I don’t want him around and I genuinely thought that a guy wouldn’t stick about without sex and especially as we had only been together 2 and 3/4 years and then I ended it.

He was, and still is possessive and isn’t sociable which is fair enough but he expected me to stop seeing friends just to suit him.

I used to do 12 hour shifts and then I would come in and he would say maybe 2 sentences to me and so quite a lot I would call my colleague and friend for a 2 hour chat and he would be fuming because of it yet he didn’t like talking.

The non communication was a big factor in my finishing with him too, this was the Aspergers that made him like this and he couldn’t help it the same way as I couldn’t help not liking that part of him.

He used to supervise me putting a wash on (I have been using washing machines since I was 16) and he had a 6kg drum in his machine and he would only allow me to put a few items in so very often the machine was fairly empty, he never put the heating on and just made me wrap up, he took 3 hours to get showered, and I don’t mean he was in the shower for this long, I mean there had to be a certain routine to follow due to the OCD and he would always shower at 2,3,4am when I had to be up at 7am for work and we lived in a small one bedroom apartment so I could hear the shower!

The first time I ended our relationship he texted my mum, 14 year old DD and my brothers and told them I was back working as an escort, which I was but this is the type of man he is, I stupidly allowed him to get away with this and now I cannot get rid of him, he said he will never stop loving me!

He is infatuated, not in love.

I hate him.

He has it easy, so why change? You are even offering to call CAB for him. A deadline and no handholding, no money and no feeding/watering, and he'll get it that you mean it. Otherwise he'll be there for the forseeable future.

@Thaddea i offered to call the CAB because I didn’t trust him and wanted to hear what options I had from the horses mouth. He’s a very capable man.
I’ve given him until Jan 31st. I won’t falter on this. We’re waiting to hear from the British Legion within the next day or two. They may have some news that will enable him to leave sooner.