Help me get over this ridiculous crush!

[Needtogetbackinthesack]

I'm newly divorced, haven't had sex since I conceived my 3 yo and I feel it's time to get back out there.

There's a guy I see every morning when dropping my kids off, he works in an office I walk by and his smile makes me weak at the knees. It's got so bad that I can't sleep at night for thinking about him but I'm generally too nervous to even make eye contact as I walk by. He does smile on the odd brave occasion, but he smiles at everyone who walks by.

His office isn't the kind where people off the street could walk in - no customers etc. I literally know nothing else about him, can't see if he's wearing a wedding ring etc. He also sees me walk by with my herd of out of control kids, hardly an attractive prospect. But I can't help but think about him.

How do people deal with such crushes when you're in your mid thirties? I think I need to get out there and meet a real life human and forget about him don't I? But that smile... 😍😆🙈

Oh @needto you're a legend whatever happens, i'll be mn stalking you onto your next thread for sure

Got "Eleanor" out of the library yesterday afternoon. Finished it about 2am this morning! I was utterly riveted from start to finish. Gail Honeyman is a genius!

(Take that, "Lincoln in the Bardo", you pretentious, unreadable pile of old tosh! It's not me, is you, etc...)

I also have that problem with life and fiction blurring, esp when it's an excellent book.

My plan now is to smile at him and actually say 'hi' twice in a row and see how he responds. Then on the third go, have a scrap of paper ready with my phone number on and "i'd love to hear from you" and then i was thinking of adding something like "but only if appropriate" in case he's married, which, let's face it, he probably is. But that phrase sounds so incredibly unsexy! And then i thought i might surreptitiously pass it to him as he goes past, but how to do that without a) funny looks from both sets of kids, b) running the risk of him handing it back with a "no thanks" or c) upsetting someone's wife/girlfriend?

Sorry for the epic post - sleep deprivation.

I've just read the whole thread and I'm so excited to know what happens.

Thanking him for letting your son use the toilet is the perfect opportunity.

My fingers are crossed for you @Needtogetbackinthesack

Please update us good or bad

@RuffleCrow I wouldn't worry whether he's married or mention it on the note, if he is then the worst that'll happen is he won't respond or he'll message you saying sorry but he is already taken! He'll be flattered and might not even pass it on to his partner anyway so don't be worrying, they might not even exist

I posted it 😳 I feel sick 😂😱😳🙈

Ahh, big unmumnsnetty hugs @needto xx

Remember:

You are in the arena, running the risk of getting your arse kicked (that sounded much more comforting in my head ) but i'm resolved to be right there with you as of tomorow or as soon as Mr American shows his pretty face again. Xx

Good point @SausageSimon. I suppose worst case scenario is he never responds and he and his dw (who i'm increasingly intimidated by) have a right old lol about me.

I'm going to simply walk another way if it's a no-go. The dcs will get used to it. Better to know than to spend another year or so dreaming and hanging on to him as an ideal. It's not my first rodeo - i have made myself vulnerable like this a few times before, but not for about 4 years now.

I'm now having massive anxiety and possibly a bit of regret - and questioning whether I do actually fancy him?! Which is ridiculous, I was completely beside myself when I spoke to him on Friday. Why is this such a big deal!? If he says no he says no 🤷🏻‍♀️ But now I've done it I'm feeling a bit weird about it.

And @ruffleCrow thanks, it sounded comforting and motivating out loud too! And I am sat here smiling to myself while feeling sick so I think I'm enjoying the excitement and the feeling of being in that arena, it feels a bit like a rollercoaster! And please do keep us posted of your adventures too, I need to feel like I'm not the only one getting kicked in this arena 🙈 I also really wouldn't worry about a dw- I think most men in decent relationships would enjoy the attention and move quickly on, no biggie. You might even get more knowing smiles which will brighten up your morning if nothing else 🤷🏻‍♀️

I'm feeling a bit shell shocked, can't believe I actually went through with it. Really need to stop procrastinating and get on with some chores but I'm sat smiling/feeling sick/drinking coffee instead 🙈

Good luck @Needtogetbackinthesack and let us know what happens next ! I'm also looking forward to Monday and seeing my crush! Mine is a work colleague. Lots of flirting for the past year and a half but neither of us have the balls to ask the other one out!

Ah, that's only natural @needto. It takes a huge amount of guts to take a rl risk like that, esp in the virtual world of consequence free swiping we live in.

I remember that weird mix of feelings from the last time i did this. As it turned out, i lost a 'flirtatious friend' who had been enjoying the attention and i think didn't really like me laying it on the line. But i gained so much clarity with every passing day she didn't respond. Closure, i guess. And the ability to move on.

And then afterwards i found out she was quite emotionally abusive and manipulative towards a mutual friend she'd had a 'thing' with - picking him up and dropping him constantly - basically wanting to be the star of her own show and treating him like a lapdog, and i thought how grateful i was to have been 'straight' with her and avoiding that - which would have been an awful thing to get into after escaping an abusive marriage.

So @RuffleCrow (please tell me to F off if I'm asking too many personal Qs) you are a female and your crushes have been Male and female? Have I understood that correctly or is my anxiety ridden brain confused?!

Because I - clearly very wrongly I'm now learning - assumed that crushes on a woman/asking a woman out would be dead easy. I thought we were all pretty straightforward and obvious and that's why it was easy for men to ask us out. If someone I wasn't interested in asked me out and they were nice about it all I'd say is ah that's really kind but I don't feel that way - then move on and act exactly the same as before, ie nothing to be nervous about. I thought all women were the same. But I always see men as not being so straightforward and courting the attention a bit even if they weren't interested/available. This is mindblowing! Who knew that women asking women out caused the same anxiety?! Im loving this thread so much, You all seem so lovely and I'm learning loads and feeling motivated! I wish I was surrounded by people like you all in rl 😆🙈

Ah yeah bisexual woman here.

Hate to break it to you, but in many ways women are even harder to read because we've been much more socially conditioned to be friendly and smiley, and tactile in many ways. Generally if a man is looking at you for longer than usual you know there's a good chance of some kind of attraction but with women there could be a million and one reasons. And if a male acquaintance says "wow you look nice today" you can be fairly certain there's at least some physical admiration going on, whereas with women, giving each other compliments is a regular part of platonic friendship!

Yep, people think being bisexual is "double the fun" or "double the choice" but it doesn't really work that way. - most women are straight, and those who aren't are often dealing with being in denial - it's a whole other minefield

I think it's probably 'easier' in some ways for lesbians (although that comes with its own set of challenges i'm sure) because traditionally they've had a proper community and subculture within which to meet one another, whereas bisexuals are regarded sometimes as wanting to have their cake and eat it, even within the LGBT community. Sorry for ramble

Just read this whole thread OP,

So excited for an update! Hopefully its a good one.

I definitely think all the signs are there! Good luck for tomorrow. Fingers crossed for you!

Just delurking to say @Needtogetbackinthesack good luck and well done for being brave! Try not to have any regrets now or consider fashioning any kind of coat hanger device to retrieve the card.
Whatever happens you’ve put yourself out there which is good, and even if he is not in a position to take you up on your offer (he clearly fancies you so if won’t be that he wouldn’t like it), you will have given him a boost and a nice feeling. So it’s all good.

Just read your thread. Well done going through with it. Nothing to lose especially with you starting the new job Good luck!

@RuffleCrow well bloody hell, I've never thought of it like that but you're absolutely right women do just randomly compliment each other without any meaning behind it - how confusing!! I've never thought of it as double the fun though, I always imagined it'd be double the aggro in lots of ways I just never thought of the initial asking out as being one of the trickier bits! I'm in awe of how anyone ever starts a relationship when they haven't met drunkenly in a pub (how I met the husband!)

And thanks everyone for the cheerleading... I'm really confident about it all when I see him but in the cold light of a weekend and blurred memories it becomes more frightening. But I just have to focus on the back up plan of avoiding him all week if it's a no!

What do I say if he messages saying no? What's a polite and casual response?! I feel I need to have one ready so it doesn't look like I've been stewing over it if he messaged

Also delurking to say well done @Needtogetbackinthesack

Being brave brings the tumult of emotions you’re feeling but who wants to look back on their life and think “phew, I’m glad nothing exciting happened to me”?! I’m not the most courageous person but I’ve done a few similar things and been burnt through them but I wouldn’t have changed a thing; I’ve learned about myself and that’s worth a lot.

I’m so excited to see how it all turns out for you - you have to promise to update as soon as you can! We’re all on tenterhooks!

Haha of course I'll update ASAP - I'll need comforting while I cry into my cornflakes probably 😆

Wishing you good luck, cant wait for your updates this week! Xx

Well done to you both @Needtogetbackinthesack and @RuffleCrow for being gutsy enough to lay your cards on the table with your crushes, I haven't with mine yet but I need to be brave and just do it one of these days! You don't lose anything by doing it because even if the answers no, every no brings you closer to the yes

Exactly @stillsexystillsingle! Nothing ventured, nothing gained.

Oh dear, i've had a misadventure with a bottle of hairdye. Am looking like i've been tangoed. Maybe i should postpone til it fades a bit?!

And needto, you know we'll all be here for you with or depending on how it goes. This is truly mn at it's best x

It looks a bit, erm, Demelza-from- Poldark-esque. Maybe he could be my Aidan Turner?

The poldark references are lost on me. I'll google it later - but do men even notice hair colour?! (Hope not, my greys are showing and not due at the hairdresser for another week...)

I'm sure your guy won't notice a few grey roots. Most men probably wouldn't tbh. I'm getting used to it a bit now but i did feel like i had an arrow pointing to my head saying 'box dye fail' when i first saw it.