Help me get over this ridiculous crush!

[Needtogetbackinthesack]

I'm newly divorced, haven't had sex since I conceived my 3 yo and I feel it's time to get back out there.

There's a guy I see every morning when dropping my kids off, he works in an office I walk by and his smile makes me weak at the knees. It's got so bad that I can't sleep at night for thinking about him but I'm generally too nervous to even make eye contact as I walk by. He does smile on the odd brave occasion, but he smiles at everyone who walks by.

His office isn't the kind where people off the street could walk in - no customers etc. I literally know nothing else about him, can't see if he's wearing a wedding ring etc. He also sees me walk by with my herd of out of control kids, hardly an attractive prospect. But I can't help but think about him.

How do people deal with such crushes when you're in your mid thirties? I think I need to get out there and meet a real life human and forget about him don't I? But that smile... 😍😆🙈

We wouldn't have any power over each other's role although is he more senior than me, in a different part of the same team. Not sure if he's attached... I'll investigate...

In fairness if you can't date someone at work, your gym instructor(I've been told it may be frowned upon or unprofessional not by him but a couple of my friends) etc. where are you supposed to meet someone these days. I don't want to do dating apps and don't get out as much as I used to.

How old is the married man?

@Isitreally77 I completely wouldn't have said a gym instructor was inappropriate!? And you're right, where the hell else would you meet someone?!

Married man is 14 years older than me 😱🙈😂😳 I've dated older than that though... 🙈

If he's hot, who cares how old he is?! As long as it doesnt affect his 'performance'

Saw Mr Do Nothing again today. Part of me thinks he's trying to time his route and walk on my side so we pass each other more often than usual. Another part of me is telling that part to STFU!

Am now messaging with random guys on Tinder to stop myself overthinking. Talking of which - why are you avoiding the dreaded dating apps @isitreally?! It's wonderfully shit on tinder. Or maybe it's just shit. Can't decide

@Needtogetbackinthesack thank you. I don't think so either but some people think if he starts showing me favouritism or paying me more attention in class(he already does though) others might get funny or jealous and complain.

@RuffleCrow I was on Tinder and Bumble for a couple of months last year, I lost faith in men by the end of it. The thing that did it though was I got chatting to this one guy on bumble, we arranged to meet he had to cancel so we chatted more and arranged another date, I turned up he didn't. He didn't even return my calls or texts. I felt like shit and lost all my self confidence again(I spent the best part of 14 years in a miserable toxic relationship so had no confidence but had slowly built it back up over the past 2 years). I swore off old then. It was also why I joined the gym in December, to try and work on myself. Then in January as I got more confident, I signed up to classes and it wasn't until after a few classes that I realised I was flirting with hot gym instructor and he was flirting back.

Ah, i see. Fair enough. That sounds like a real kick in the teeth when you were just trying to find your mojo again. I'm feeling a bit despondent with this morning tbh.

Some gorgeous Spanish guy is trying to get me to hook up with him on tinder. I always seem to go for these 'out of my league' blokes. I'd hate to turn up and disappoint although my photos do look like me

Talk to him! Even if he is not available you're guaranteed to gain a new friend...! 😋

@RuffleCrow go for it, what have you got to lose?

Nah, i felt like he just wanted to have sex rather than him wanting sex with me iyswim? I asked him what he wanted to do - to get an idea of what he was into, and then he asked me to send him naked pictures on whatsapp which you know I'm just never going to do! Men!

@RuffleCrow that shit. I had that with a couple of guys when I said no they went quiet and that was it.

I keep saying to myself, if I see him today I'll ask him if he wants to go for a drink. Then I see him and all I can bring myself to say is hi.🤦‍♀️ I have to keep saying to myself I am good enough for him,he isn't out of my league. All the men I speak to about it tell me to just ask him out, the women are a little more cautious. So not sure whose advice to take.

Well I'm a woman and I say go for it. I think the very least you'll get is an eventual feeling of calm - which comes from knowing where you stand. @Isitreally77

And as I'm sure I harped on about upthread, Brene Brown (and her Netflix talk) is an absolute genius when it comes to this sort of thing. "Daring Greatly" is my current read - how vulnerability is essential to being courageous and how to do it!

And I know I shouldn't have wasted spanish bloke's time or my own once I'd started to twig he was a fuckboy, but honestly you should have seen how gorgeous! Like a work of art

Thanks @RuffleCrow I just have to find the right time and if he says no just not be too embarrassed so I have to miss his classes as I actually have a good laugh in them (My usual class partner was back tonight and we were in fits of laughter straight away). I think I am almost ready to ask him if he wants to go for a drink though, as I say it's just finding the right time.

Some of them are a work of art on dating apps, I had a doctor once who was so damn hot it was almost too good to be true.

So I have an update. I finally asked my crush out last week,sadly he said no. He was rather sweet about it, said he was very flattered but no and he said thank you anyway. I saw him today whilst I was getting some shopping with my housemate and he grinned and blushed when he saw me. My housemate said it was obvious he liked me and was flirting with me, my ex has said from what I've told him its obvious he liked me too. He got divorced last year and his marriage broke down the year before, my ex says that maybe he isn't ready and is scared but to not give up but carry on like normal. I actually didn't feel that sad that he said no because he was so nice about it. I also feel slightly better,after my housemate said it was obvious he liked me, that I wasn't imagining it.

@Isitreally77 omg well done!!! That's really brave and even though he said no he sounds like he was a complete gentleman. What a lovely sounding guy, well done you for finding someone who is decent to have a crush on. Are you still going to his classes? Are there any other guys on the horizon? Would you be brave and ask the next one out? I really admire you!!!

I've been debating whether to come back and update you all about my crush too... seeing as I'm here and we are all on bloody lockdown I may as well put myself out there for a slaying. I've chatted to mine a few times since discovering he was married - nothing racy, just chatting in passing, about all sorts - him ordering a new company car, corona fucking virus, his sisters birthday etc. One day he admitted that he really liked me and had been thinking about me since we first smiled and he felt a connection, he had deliberately locked up the office as I walked by in the evenings and really enjoyed taking to me and wanted to get to know me bettered etc. I rather flippantly said yeah well it's all fine you saying all this but you're married so 🤷🏻‍♀️

He's since told his wife he wants a divorce 😱

I haven't seen him since because obviously schools are closed etc, I did bump into him at a weird time of the day when I was dropping something to a friend last week which is how I found out but that's it...

@Needtogetbackinthesack thank you I bit the bullet last Friday, after the government shut all the gyms(I was waiting for his class when they announced it so it made for a very sombre class) so sadly no classes at the moment either. Yesterday was the first tme I had seen him since asking so it was nice in a way that it wasn't at the gym and was just us(except for my housemate), it means when the gym opens again we have got past that first meeting and can be like we were(I hope). No other guys on the horizon, he was the first one I truly felt a connection with since my ex husband.

Everyone was telling me he was interested including my friend from the gym (who sees how he is with me), so I thought why not take that risk. At one stage I noticed that some young gym bunny was flirting with him (she couldn't hide what she was doing and was young enough to be his daughter) but he didn't seem interested so it also spurred me to take the risk. I'm glad I did it, it's out there that I like him now, it's in his court and if he changes his mind (my housemate thinks he will when all this coronavirus shit is over) then as long as i haven't met someone else i wouldn't say no.

Interesting about yours, so has he actually left his wife? This coronavirus shit has really put a spanner in life hasn't it?

I am SO missing the gym, I'm about to go for a run!

It sounds like he's a nice guy and I'm glad things aren't awkward. I do think that no matter how we make it seem in our head - huge, embarrassing- awkward etc - most men will just be flattered and move on and after that first initial meeting after you asking it'll be just fine. Which is exactly what's happened. Hopefully corona will blow over soon and you can get back to your classes with him!

Well, what I've been told (and I'm repeating what I've been told verbatim, when the truth is I don't know and when there's a married man involved I don't think I'll ever know the true story so I'm not naive to this fact, but have nothing else to tell you other than what I've been told..) is that it came out in an argument and then within minutes the 'lockdown' was announced so he couldn't go anywhere. I saw him 2 days later and he was a mess, crying and all sorts. He had told me before that he wasn't particularly happy, bored, his wife worked long hours so they didn't have much quality time etc. All fairly crap reasons to me. And then they argued and she said something like you just don't seem like you want to be with me and he said no I'm not in love with you anymore. They have a son/his stepson who apparently was begging him not to leave, the wife was upset and thought that all their issues could be fixed. Tbh he was so cut up about it that I'll be surprised if he does actually leave when all this is over. He still has to work so I reckon they'll have some time apart during the day to think about it and then evenings and weekends to make up. And tbh I think his reasons were so spurious that I wouldn't blame them 🤷🏻‍♀️

That's tough on the wife and stepson. In lockdown with a man who wants to divorce you.
Really tough on the stepson stuck in a house with a bad atmosphere.
Are GCSEs going ahead ?

No his GCSEs aren't going ahead. Thankfully. My parents separated weeks before my GCSE's and it was horrific, wouldn't wish that on anyone. Also wouldn't want to be stuck inside with a husband who didn't want me, or with a wife I didn't want. It's a fucking shitty situation all round.

This corona crap has really made me realise that life is too short - if he was really unhappy he should have left at the point he realised (he told me weeks ago) and then this situation would have been tough but not this bad for them all. My post isolation fuck it list is growing by the day...

@Needtogetbackinthesack I was dreading that first meeting, it was weird as I saw his van in the car park and felt nervous but when i saw him in the shop there were no nerves just back to how we were(flirting and grinning at each other, no 2 metre social distancing either oops!). I'm glad it was someone so lovely that I asked out and I'm proud of myself for asking. I can also understand if he is a little hesitant about dating again(he married in 2016, separated by 2018 and was divorced by 2019 so whatever happened must have been something quite challenging), it took me two years to feel ready (and my marriage was over long before we separated) and it was only when I met him that I finally felt ready. I always said I would know when I found the guy I wanted to date, it's just a shame it didn't work out the way I wanted.

I do feel sorry for the kids at the moment with all this corona business upsetting their lives. As you say he should have left when he realised he was that unhappy.

As you say life is too short, maybe corona and lockdown will help sort these men out.

Meh, just got the email we were all expecting - he's staying with his wife. Wtf is wrong with men!? (I'm saying this from a poor wife/poor son perspective as much as a slightly dented ego perspective) I just don't understand why men do this. If you're happy, don't engage with other women. If you're not, say you're going to leave then do it. Now he's "trying to make it work" with a woman he's recently told he doesn't love. What a mess all round.

Stay well away. Totally not worth the mindfuck
You're worth better than this. Your Prince Charming will come along when you're not looking for him........mine did, when I HATED men and he's worth the previous heartbreaks! X

Completely agree! This is only going to end in everyone's tears, it's probably already going to end in tears for the wife, poor woman.

Though I'm not sure there are many prince charmings coming my way during lockdown, I'll have to wait 😂