Help me get over this ridiculous crush!

[Needtogetbackinthesack]

I'm newly divorced, haven't had sex since I conceived my 3 yo and I feel it's time to get back out there.

There's a guy I see every morning when dropping my kids off, he works in an office I walk by and his smile makes me weak at the knees. It's got so bad that I can't sleep at night for thinking about him but I'm generally too nervous to even make eye contact as I walk by. He does smile on the odd brave occasion, but he smiles at everyone who walks by.

His office isn't the kind where people off the street could walk in - no customers etc. I literally know nothing else about him, can't see if he's wearing a wedding ring etc. He also sees me walk by with my herd of out of control kids, hardly an attractive prospect. But I can't help but think about him.

How do people deal with such crushes when you're in your mid thirties? I think I need to get out there and meet a real life human and forget about him don't I? But that smile... 😍😆🙈

@Isitreally77 he's right!

@Needtogetbackinthesack omg!!!

Me: I'm over it. I'm completely over it. I can't believe how over it i am. No answer is a very clear answer.

Him in the distance: saunter, saunter

Me: oh shit. There he is. What do i do?! Why is he on 'my' side of the road when he knows i'm into him now?!

My heart: Oh god, here he comes.

Him: Saunter, saunter

Me: Look down at the ground. Don't get sucked in to staring back, whatever you do. You've done that. You put yourself out there. It's over.

Me again: Oh thank god, you've finally passed each other. Try to stop shaking now.

Him:

Such fun!

So I have an update.

I had a proper conversation with mine today, after having a row with my ex on the phone whilst I was at the gym, which I think my crush may have heard some of, it made my night. I get the feeling that the attraction is mutual. We both ended it with big grins on our faces. Not the first time either, when I saw him on sunday he grinned at me and said hi and I grinned and said hi. Walked out the gym grinning like an idiot and skipped down the steps. I just have doubts about why he would go for me when he must have the pick of all these women.

I'm like a teenager my friend says it sounds really cute how we seem to be doing these little things like grinning at each other. I think taking it slowly may actually be the way to go.

@Isitreally77 yes but not too slowly, mine used to do the grinning like idiots at each other thing with me but he doesn't seem that interested in me any more when he sees me! We've fancied each other for 16 months, but nothings come of it so far @Needtogetbackinthesack what's happening with yours did he leave his wife?! @RuffleCrow that sounds like a man who's trying to play games with you to distract himself from a boring relationship that he doesn't have the balls to end, ignore him, you deserve so much better than that from a man! there are too many that behave like this and womenkind be we wives or singletons need to join forces and stop them getting away with their shoddy treatment of us!

These men who think they literally have to do absolutely nothing and yet they somehow still have a chance with us, it makes me so angry! There are too many of them like this because too many women are letting them get away with being like this. Just, no!

@Stillsextstillsingle I won't take it too slowly just don't want to scare him off by being too forward when I hardly know the guy. If I've not asked him out by Easter then I know it won't happen. A friend from the gym has just told me it looks like I have an admirer in him when I mentioned our chat (she doesn't know I like him).

I really thought something would happen with mine and at one point lots of people seemed to be doing the whole nudge nudge wink wink thing about me and him and before Christmas he seemed to be seeking me out I kept bumping into him at the coffee machine but that all seems to have stopped now and we haven't had a proper conversation since before Christmas and we are back to just saying hi when we pass each other in the corridor now

I went to court today and totally wiped the floor (by myself) with my husband and his expensive barrister. I wondered if I might feel weird about seeing him. Nope, still a pillock.

^

Praise the Lord! This isn't something we read often in here

@managedmis it was a good day and I'm still proud! He's being a complete prick about everything still, finances/contact etc but at least court was on my side for that one day at least.

@Stillsexystillsingle no real news from me. I still see him occasionally and we chat, and it's nice and I still really fancy him. But he is still married. I would totally be up for a fun fling if he left but not anything more. I'm not up for being the next victim of a man who wants his cake and eats it!

Good for you @Needtogetbackinthesack!

Since i've been single, nearly all the interest i've had has been from married men. And i'm not even counting The Silent Starer in that because I don't have any evidence to suggest he's into me at all, besides the staring/ awkward atmosphere. And maybe he just has an eye condition or something

I know what you mean @Stillsexystillsingle. If it wasn't for the presence of the dcs i would be turning the tables and having some fun with it. Might as well, seeing as he's a do-nothing type anyway. But instead i will retain my dignity and carry on trying not to give a shit.

Completely @Needtogetbackinthesack hes all talk and no action isn't he all that stuff about leaving his wife was probably just a ploy well done you for not falling for it! Me too @RuffleCrow mostly married men when I meet men irl I don't judge and am willing to give people a chance, while not getting involved with anyone who is married obviously, but every time it's quickly become apparent that they have no moral fibre whatsoever and are just looking to cheat on their wives, it's really depressing, and why would they think that attitude and behaviour would make them attractive to me as a potential partner for me, are they having a laugh?! The ones you meet online are supposedly single but who knows really, I've been on a couple of first dates from the dating sites where they have confessed on the date to not being single. I don't know what they expect to happen. Do they think we're just going to say, oh ok that's fine, an attached man, that's exactly what I want, as a single woman?!

I have just sat and read all your updates, so gutted for you and shocked at his revelation
Do you think he is genuine? Or after a quick fling behind his wifes back?

@tattooedmama from the couple of VERY brief conversations we've had I'd say he's probably genuine tbh. Or a bloody good actor. But ultimately who knows?

I'm probably going to get lynched for this but I can kind of see both sides of the story when it comes to affairs. I was (still am technically) ' married' for years after I knew the marriage was over, but for lots of very complicated reasons it's just not as simple as leaving for lots of people. During those years my husband took drugs, spent tens of thousands of pounds on porn, and ive discovered in the last couple of days, prostitutes. He was violent and abusive and very rarely spent time with me or the kids, always out with friends/'away on business.' It was some of the loneliest times of my life and I got sick to death of friends saying just leave without them really understanding why it's not that easy. I often think that if I met someone I probably would have started an affair to preserve some sanity, and if I'd had someone boosting my confidence and really helping me to find a way out rather than simply saying 'just leave' then going home to their lives without a second thought then I probably would have left much, much sooner. Of course, there are a myriad of reasons why this isn't an ideal solution and implications for the children etc but I do have empathy for people in marriages like that who start affairs. My mum was married to an alcoholic with no means of escape until she met someone, had an affair and because she then lived with this affair it meant she could afford to throw my dad out. She's still with him nearly 30 years later and dad married a woman he knew from his teens who he cheated on back then. A relative had an affair with a married man, he left his wife and they got married and had kids and their marriage lasted 25 years - not forever but 25 years isn't bad these days.

So yes, ideally a relationship is best between two single people. Anyone who shags around behind their spouses back just for kicks is a nasty piece of work. But I do think sometimes you just meet someone you click with and fall for and circumstances aren't ideal, but feelings develop and it can be possible to have a committed relationship after an affair. Life is too fucking short to live with regrets and if your marriage isn't making you happy - even if the overall mn population doesn't agree or feel like it's worth leaving for - I think everyone deserves the chance to be happy so you may as well leave and take a chance on a new love.

But I reckon most affairs are NOT like this and it's mostly men being chancers and seeing where they can get their end away.

For what it's worth, although I think this guy is genuine in that he really would leave his wife if I gave him the nod, I do think his reasons are a bit spurious. All the usual - boredom, lack of intimacy, separate hobbies so don't do much fun stuff together. I'm also not convinced he's not going through a mid life crisis, he's just bought a new car etc 🤦🏻‍♀️

Hmmm @Needtogetbackinthesack but why is he waiting for you to tell him you want him to leave her, why isn't he leaving her already off his own bat, he's met you, he's interested, he knows you're interested, what more does he need to know? I'm sorry but I think he's trying to play you. He wants to get you to admit you want him to leave his wife for you because that will confirm to him how much you like him and give him more ammunition to use against you in his bid to get you to sleep with him without him leaving his wife. I'm sorry but I've seen how this one plays out too many times. If he was really leaving her he'd have left already. I agree with you that for women affairs are often exit affairs. But not I think so much for men in my experience they have all been seeking out the have your cake and eat it type of affairs. And I think on Mumsnet we all spend way too much time discussing men who have affairs!!! They are best swiftly dumped and then ignored unless they can consistently show signs of being genuine, and even then they would also need to be proactively be taking steps to put their situation right

I'm completely agree, which is why I'm not pursuing it. But I do think that sometimes it isn't always as black and white as it seems. If I met someone during my bad marriage who said they'd be there for me if I left, I may have left, probably still not immediately because it takes time when you have kids. If I met someone who I liked but didn't explicitly say they'd be there waiting I wouldn't have sped up my exit. I'm not saying it's right, or applies in all circumstances, just that mn can be very black and white when I don't think that really reflects real life all the time.

And tbh he's judged it completely right - I'm interested in a fling not a marriage. What I can offer is not worth leaving a marriage over. I don't blame him at all!!

If he really didn't want to lose you he would be making it happen so that he could be with you and he would be doing it quickly before another man snapped you up. If he really didn't want to lose his wife he wouldn't be toying with the idea of being with you. If he's hedging his bets and just trying to work out where he will be best off - and he'll come to the conclusion it's with both of you at the same time - then he's not a man either of you should waste any more time on - I always feel very sorry for the wives in this scenario it's shit being single but I imagine it's even more shit being them - the difference is they are usually oblivious or in denial about who they are married to while with us single women their 'husbands' are often very upfront about the kind of men they really are and what they really want, once the mask has slipped. That's why I think it must be worse to be the wife. At least we know exactly what we're dealing with, instead of living in a fantasy.

I think the bit I'm not getting across clearly is that I really think he WOULD be making it happen but I've told him no. And I'm not sure I can blame him for not leaving anyway after I've said not to? There's lots of other stuff - for example he has a stepson who is just about to do his exams. My mum left my dad just before my GCSE's and it was awful, no matter how much I wanted him to leave and be with me (if that was the case) I could never advocate doing that to a teenager before his exams.

Again, I'm not saying it's right or that he's blameless, just that I do understand that it's not always a simple black and white. In different circumstances maybe I'd say yes - we definitely have quite a spark and I think we could have a good relationship and it could be exactly what I need right now. But not a lifelong one and I can't tell someone to leave their family, at a crucial time for the kid, so I can have a couple of months/years of fun with them before moving on to my own happy ever after. And just because someone is married/said not to leave your wife doesn't mean you instantly turn your feelings off, because there is a very definite spark there, even if it's not more than a lust thing.

It's just a really complicated set of human emotions and I don't think it's always as simple as married = shouldn't act on it/should leave family instantly.

But for me, in this instance, at this time, married definitely means no go!

If the two of you were right for each other you'd both be making it happen, you're not, so, on to the next one!

Exactly! (And if things were different all round I wouldn't hesitate in trying to make it work but right now we are not right for each other!)

Ooh though I have totally moved onto the next one.., there are 2 really hot guys in my new job, one of whom I will have to see fairly regularly 😍😍 which makes it another no go because we are effectively in the same team, but a girl can look, right?!

@needtogetbackinthesack no harm in looking at all.

I see mine tonight, I had told him I wasn't going to his class tonight when we spoke on Thursday but changed my mind on Friday. If nothing else comes of it at least I'm getting fit.😂

Haha getting fit is a good side effect!!!

Loads of people meet their future partner at work needto. Much better than tinder! It's only really off limits if one of you has a lot of power over the other's role. Or one of you is attached.