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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Would it be crazy to contact this date?

108 replies

ShakeIt678 · 05/01/2020 14:48

On Friday I went on a date with someone I had spoken with once on the phone. The call was great and he text afterwards to ask if we could meet on the Friday, I said yes and we arranged to go to a national park for a walk round and grab a coffee.

We meet and I was instantly attracted to him. This NEVER happens to me, ever. I've been dating for years regularly.

We had a good time, he suggested going for food after we had walked round the gardens. I agreed. He paid, was very polite generally and offered to drive me home as I had taken a taxi to the national park.

I text him when I got home and said I had a good time, he replied saying he had too. I then suggested another date, to which he said he didn't feel this was something he wanted to take forwards as he didn't think there was a spark for him.

It has left me quite confused and knocked my confidence. I keep going over what I said, or wondering if he thought my photos didn't look like me. But then obviously he was the one suggesting dinner after the park, not me. So then I have been over thinking what I said during dinner to put him off. I was really nervous by dinner (unheard of for me on a date!!) because I liked him and I know I said some unusual things that came across probably defensively and maybe even arrogant...I do think these were the reasons he had second thoughts. I don't want to out myself but I made a political joke (I would never usually do this!) and I think he took it seriously, for example. We also started talking about relationships and I said I never get too interested in anyone (true but unnecessary to say). I also said I nearly cancelled the date because I was going to do some DIY before I went back to work on Monday. I meant this a bit tongue in cheek but he took it at face value. I feel like a total idiot. I am never usually like this ever on a date, it was like some really nervous, shy person took over by the time we went for dinner and I kept putting my foot in it.

Part of me wants to message him today and try and explain but I am also aware that would be crazy?! Wouldn't it? He's constantly watching my Instagram stories (I know this is a very immature way of second guessing someone's behaviours, but I wonder why if he has said he's not interested in another date?!). we are both mid thirties and professionals and I feel like I've become a 15 year old again with the analysis I am doing.

Chalk it up to bad experience or contact him? I have dated for years so I am reluctant to let it slide but then if he's made his mind up then he has I guess?

OP posts:
PurpleDaisies · 05/01/2020 14:51

Chalk it up to experience. He’s already told you he’s not interested. You’ll make a fool of yourself by chasing.

lilmishap · 05/01/2020 14:59

Seriously, this is not a good look. You want to contact him and ask for an explanation or to try and convince him to meet again because he looks at your instagram?

HollowTalk · 05/01/2020 15:02

Can you tell who's looking at your Instagram?

The thing is, OP, that you can't make him want to date you. I understand you want to set the record straight and it must be incredibly frustrating not knowing what went on in his head, but that's just the way of it when you're dating.

AnnDaloozier · 05/01/2020 15:03

No. No. No.

HollyBollyBooBoo · 05/01/2020 15:04

Just leave it and learn from it! Try not to let nerves get to you next time if it makes you say stuff that isn't really you.

Legallybleachblonde · 05/01/2020 15:04

The spark is either there or it's not. It's just sod's law that you eventually felt it with someone who didn't feel the same. Dont read into it too much or over-analyse what you did or didnt say. This happens a lot in OLD and works both ways. Just write back saying oh that's a shame and wish him luck. Move on to the next when you're ready X

ShakeIt678 · 05/01/2020 15:05

IiLmishap I know it's not a good look at all is it! IT's ridiculous I know. I just haven't been so excited about anyone for literally years. but obviously I know this time last week I didn't even know he existed!

hollow it is the Instagram stories. it is frustrating and more so because I feel like I wasn't the genuine me because I became so nervous.

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Iprefergin · 05/01/2020 15:05

It's more of a numbers game for men, he may have met someone else.
That's usually what happens to me, nice dates, good chat, also the guy offering more drinks/food etc to extend date then they go vague/silent. Then a few weeks later they're in a new relationship on Facebook.

mamato3lads · 05/01/2020 15:05

Ahhh shit .... his words dont match his actions. Whys he constantly looking at your instagram stories ??

I'd be a bit confused but wouldn't text again for fear of looking desperate.

What did you reply when he said no thanks to another date ??
Perhaps put something about it on your instagram .... at least he'll see it !

A weird one I can see why you're confused but for your own self respect dont chase him.xx

ShakeIt678 · 05/01/2020 15:06

legally I replied and just said no worries and all the best. not messaged since but cant get him out of my head!

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ShakeIt678 · 05/01/2020 15:08

mamato I know him looking at my Instagram doesn't mean he suddenly wants to date me but obviously it is a bit strange seeing as he's known me 5 minutes and already written me off.

I don't get the extension of the date or the offer to take me home so I didn't need a taxi and the paying for the meal...so it must have been one of the silly things I said.

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Mermaidtissues · 05/01/2020 15:10

The tables have turned on this one, the guys that you chose not to see again probably felt how you do now. Don’t obsess about him, chalk it up as not a mutual fit and move on.

PurpleDaisies · 05/01/2020 15:10

I don't get the extension of the date or the offer to take me home so I didn't need a taxi and the paying for the meal...so it must have been one of the silly things I said.

Or he was just being polite.

He actually told you he wasn’t interested in another date. There’s nothing silly enough you could have said that would have led to that unless there was no spark in general.

ShakeIt678 · 05/01/2020 15:13

purple I suppose that is true, if there's a spark you don't write someone off for a couple of comments. I don't think anyway!! and yes he seemed polite generally so maybe he pays for everyone he dates.

it is sods law for sure that the one time I like someone they don't like me back!

I do still think the Instagram stuff is a bit odd, if he's not interested in me then don't click to watch what I have posted. but either way it is not a reason to text. ahhhhh didn't think I could turn into such a teenager like this! haha

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ohwheniknow · 05/01/2020 15:16

What's wrong about saying you had diy planned?

CoffeeConnoiseur · 05/01/2020 15:21

You know how this works, you've done it yourself plenty, seeing as you've been dating for years.

He said there was no spark for him.

How would you react if you'd very politely told someone you didn't want to pursue things and then they text you trying to explain things you probably hadn't even noticed or paid attention to in your date?

The Instagram thing means nothing. I mindlessly scroll and watch all kinds of shite on there. Remove him from your Instagram followers so he doesn't see your stories, and move on.

Legallybleachblonde · 05/01/2020 15:21

Maybe he was actually after a ONS under the guise of someone who's looking for a relationship (in order to get more dates) but realised you were not that type so that's why he doesnt want to meet again? There could be so many scenarios here. You'll never know so try and forget and move on X

ShakeIt678 · 05/01/2020 15:22

ohwheniknow I said I nearly cancelled the date as I had some DIY to do and because I never have faith in meeting someone I like...and then I laughed a bit and he said oh thanks!

God it all sounds ridiculous doesn't it! it's just stuff I wouldn't usually say!

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CodenameVillanelle · 05/01/2020 15:23

Don't message him. It's weird that he's watching your stories but maybe he's just a social media fiend and doesn't realise you can see that he's watched?

ShakeIt678 · 05/01/2020 15:25

coffee if they text me again I might think it quite sweet IF I had been on the fence. I might possibly meet them again. But i would also think they were very into me...and that isn't something I really want to convey.

with Instagram..ive never been interested in looking at someone's content that I have met for one day and never wish to see again. so that's why it confuses me.

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Hellbentwellwent · 05/01/2020 15:25

Maybe he’s one of those men that’s been listening to that shot advice about treating women badly. There’s a name for it which has totally evaded me. Basically it’s a cat and mouse technique, be lovely, take them to dinner then be a shot to them so they need validation, provide validation and then be shot to them again, it roped you in and makes you dependent on them, it’s abusive. Not saying that’s what he’s doing, maybe there was genuinely no spark for him, which is perfectly valid, or maybe he’s a toxic bastard trying to find a woman who’s insecurities he can play in so that he can trap her in an abusive relationship....

coldbrewaddict · 05/01/2020 15:26

I do still think the Instagram stuff is a bit odd, if he's not interested in me then don't click to watch what I have posted.

It's not that odd tbh. At my job, we're either swamped with projects or sitting there for days on end twiddling our thumbs. When I've got nothing better to do at work, Instagram is usually where I turn to, and once I'm done watching the 5 or so stories posted by my friends, it's on to people I know, even in passing. I certainly have no interest in dating any of them!

ShakeIt678 · 05/01/2020 15:26

codename he is definitely not hugely into social media.

I guess he could just be bored and interested for that reason only.

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Legallybleachblonde · 05/01/2020 15:28

I'd definitely block him on insta. Why should he see your stuff if he's not interested in you?!

ShakeIt678 · 05/01/2020 15:29

legally I don't want to block him as I liked him so much! I realise I sound crazy.

usually I am calm as anything with dates. I guess this is a taste of the tables having turned!

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