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Original poster

Would it be crazy to contact this date?

108 replies

ShakeIt678 · 05/01/2020 14:48

On Friday I went on a date with someone I had spoken with once on the phone. The call was great and he text afterwards to ask if we could meet on the Friday, I said yes and we arranged to go to a national park for a walk round and grab a coffee.

We meet and I was instantly attracted to him. This NEVER happens to me, ever. I've been dating for years regularly.

We had a good time, he suggested going for food after we had walked round the gardens. I agreed. He paid, was very polite generally and offered to drive me home as I had taken a taxi to the national park.

I text him when I got home and said I had a good time, he replied saying he had too. I then suggested another date, to which he said he didn't feel this was something he wanted to take forwards as he didn't think there was a spark for him.

It has left me quite confused and knocked my confidence. I keep going over what I said, or wondering if he thought my photos didn't look like me. But then obviously he was the one suggesting dinner after the park, not me. So then I have been over thinking what I said during dinner to put him off. I was really nervous by dinner (unheard of for me on a date!!) because I liked him and I know I said some unusual things that came across probably defensively and maybe even arrogant...I do think these were the reasons he had second thoughts. I don't want to out myself but I made a political joke (I would never usually do this!) and I think he took it seriously, for example. We also started talking about relationships and I said I never get too interested in anyone (true but unnecessary to say). I also said I nearly cancelled the date because I was going to do some DIY before I went back to work on Monday. I meant this a bit tongue in cheek but he took it at face value. I feel like a total idiot. I am never usually like this ever on a date, it was like some really nervous, shy person took over by the time we went for dinner and I kept putting my foot in it.

Part of me wants to message him today and try and explain but I am also aware that would be crazy?! Wouldn't it? He's constantly watching my Instagram stories (I know this is a very immature way of second guessing someone's behaviours, but I wonder why if he has said he's not interested in another date?!). we are both mid thirties and professionals and I feel like I've become a 15 year old again with the analysis I am doing.

Chalk it up to bad experience or contact him? I have dated for years so I am reluctant to let it slide but then if he's made his mind up then he has I guess?

OP posts:
Trinity20 · 05/01/2020 20:20

I know it sucks when someone you like isn't interested. Also am the same as you, I rarely meet anyone I have such a spark with.
But you probably in the past thought you wouldn't meet anyone else you had a spark with and ended up meeting him, and there will soon be someone else who does like you too.
It could have been anything. Maybe he's married, maybe he's seeing a few people and decided he clicked more with one, maybe he's only interested in casual and sensed you weren't.

If you want to text then I don't think one text is so terrible. But do you really want to date someone who's said they aren't interested ? Sometimes people can be uninterested first and then the spark comes later on, it's happened to me.

Original poster
ShakeIt678 · 05/01/2020 20:22

The thing is I already text back saying no problem and all the best....

It’s only today I’ve been thinking about it and wanting to contact.

OP posts:
Trinity20 · 05/01/2020 20:24

What is it you would like to say to him ? Maybe something like, hey i've just been thinking about our date a little. I think we got on really well and it would be lovely if we could meet up again and see how it goes. If not then that's fine of course.

AnchorDownDeepBreath · 05/01/2020 20:30

Don't text him. I'm usually the person that disagrees with all the rule playing and let him chase and everything advice on here, but in this case, it all makes sense. It's just not what you want to see.

He enjoyed the date. He suggested dinner and drove you home because you're nice, and you got on. There's just no spark for him. He's been upfront about that and let you know, and there's probably no more to it. He's watched your Instagram stories because you're on there, and he doesn't dislike you - he's just not interested in exploring anything else with you. I have one of my fiancés close friends exes on my Instagram, I watch her stories sometimes because it automatically plays, and although we don't talk much anymore, I have nothing against her and she's friendly! People are nosy.

There's nothing that you did wrong here, or that you need to explain to him. There's just no spark for him, like I'm sure there hasn't been for you sometimes, even when the guy hasn't done anything wrong as such.

Texting him will either start a conversation which he considers as you being friends, as he's told you that he's not interested, and that becomes upsetting and prolongs this pain; or be a bit awkward and either be ignored or lead to him reiterating that there's nothing there for him.... he's very unlikely to have subsequently found a spark, and if he does, he has your number too!

I'd try and get it off your mind, this isn't the one for you Flowers

Original poster
ShakeIt678 · 05/01/2020 20:30

Yeah trinity, something like that.

I should have said it at the time though. Seems a bit weird now after I closed it down politely with him.

OP posts:
Trinity20 · 05/01/2020 20:31

That's true what PP said. If you do really want to then text but I agree that his reply may cause more disappointment and if he does change his mind, then he has your number.

keepingbees · 05/01/2020 20:31

He's declined a second date with you, sorry but he's not into you whether he watches your insta stories or not.
If he contacted you again it would never be anything other than you were a consolation prize because he was bored or no one better came along. I'm sorry that sounds horrible but it's true.
Block him so you can forget about him and find someone who wants and deserves you. You won't find mr right whilst hanging onto mr wrong.

Original poster
ShakeIt678 · 05/01/2020 20:31

Anchor yep all makes sense.

Can’t believe I feel like this after one bloody date! Never thought I would react like this.

OP posts:
ChippyPickledEggs · 05/01/2020 20:37

'No spark' is a polite way of saying, 'I don't fancy you.'

If he had given another reason: poor timing, not sure what he wanted, had recently ended another relationship etc, then if you really liked him I wouldn't see the harm of telling him so and seeing if he wanted to change his mind.

But chasing after a man who has explicitly told you (albeit politely) that he doesn't find you sexually attractive is a no-no, I think. Put yourself in his shoes. How do you feel when men you don't fancy push things with you? It personally can make me feel very uncomfortable.

I know it sucks, but you have to leave it I think. x

NK1cf53daaX127805d4fd5 · 05/01/2020 20:39

Don't text him. By saying no click he means that he didn't fancy you. Sorry OP

Original poster
ShakeIt678 · 05/01/2020 20:40

Yeah I can see what you mean chippy! I’m definitely no oil painting but on the date he complimented me a couple of times physically and quite directly. Of course that could have been insincere.

It just leads me to think it was my personality that put him off through the awkward nervous things I said... who knows. Either way he’s not into me.

OP posts:
whiplashy · 05/01/2020 20:43

“either way he’s not into me”

exactly. that’s all there is to it

KnobJockey · 05/01/2020 20:44

I would text again if I felt that strongly. What have you got to lose? You aren't planning on seeing him again at this stage anyway. Could be something brilliant happens, if you get on that well.

CodenameVillanelle · 05/01/2020 20:45

Pleeeaaaase don't text him again
He's not interested. That's it. You can't persuade him to be interested.

Original poster
ShakeIt678 · 05/01/2020 20:46

Knobjockey I think because there’s that doubt like posters say that he didn’t find me physically attractive and that’s what put him off. Obviously I can’t change that.

If I knew it was some of the things I said in panic I would definitely contact him and wouldn’t feel too embarrassed doing so as I would be honest about the nerves etc

OP posts:
PumpkinP · 05/01/2020 20:49

Please don’t text again. Gosh if this was a man writing this everyone would tell him to leave the woman alone!! And say he’s a creep!

ChippyPickledEggs · 05/01/2020 20:49

If a man really fancies a woman, a couple of awkward things she might have said aren't going to phase him. That isn't a reflection on your looks - attraction is a weird thing. I've known loads of objectively very handsome men who, for whatever reason, have left me cold. Whereas there might have been something about the way a far less handsome man moved or smelt or looked at me that made me weak at the knees.

Lots of men compliment women on dates in a, "You look lovely, that's a beautiful dress" kind of way because it is a polite and, they feel, expected thing to do.

Your issue here is that you're just not accepting his no.

WhenPushComesToShove · 05/01/2020 20:54

Sorry to say it sounds as though it just wasn't there for him in the same way it was for you. Imagine how awkward you'd feel if someone you liked but didn't fancy wanted an explanation as to why you didn't want to see them again. Accept it's not happening and move on.

Original poster
ShakeIt678 · 05/01/2020 20:56

Wow I really did get hung up on this one didn’t I!

He has my number. If he contacts me it will be a miracle.......Grin

OP posts:
Trinity20 · 05/01/2020 20:58

I hope you will meet someone else soon who you feel a spark with and can forget about this one.

anothernamejeeves · 05/01/2020 21:02

I feel for you OP I've been there and it stings

No good ever comes from chasing in this instance though. If a guy likes you they will let you know

Weffiepops · 05/01/2020 21:06

Leave it, your subconscious made you act daft to put him off because he's not right for you. If he changes his mind and can't stop thinking about you he'll come back but I would just try and find other dates to take your mind off him

ErickBroch · 05/01/2020 21:55

Sorry to sound like a dick but most people just scan through instagram stories in seconds - clicking through and barely watching/looking - i would not take that to mean literally anything at all

happycamper11 · 05/01/2020 21:57

Yeh insta stories come up automatically in sequence if you watch one

Chochito · 05/01/2020 21:58

I've only read the OP and not the full thread, apologies.

I've been on dates that I've really enjoyed and found the other person great company and really interesting and been in no rush to leave BUT absolutely no physical spark. Sometimes it's better that way because you feel more relaxed and can just enjoy chatting.

I feel like that might be how this guy felt and he has been honest with you in saying upfront he didn't want another date and didn't feel a spark.