Would it be crazy to contact this date?

[ShakeIt678]

On Friday I went on a date with someone I had spoken with once on the phone. The call was great and he text afterwards to ask if we could meet on the Friday, I said yes and we arranged to go to a national park for a walk round and grab a coffee.

We meet and I was instantly attracted to him. This NEVER happens to me, ever. I've been dating for years regularly.

We had a good time, he suggested going for food after we had walked round the gardens. I agreed. He paid, was very polite generally and offered to drive me home as I had taken a taxi to the national park.

I text him when I got home and said I had a good time, he replied saying he had too. I then suggested another date, to which he said he didn't feel this was something he wanted to take forwards as he didn't think there was a spark for him.

It has left me quite confused and knocked my confidence. I keep going over what I said, or wondering if he thought my photos didn't look like me. But then obviously he was the one suggesting dinner after the park, not me. So then I have been over thinking what I said during dinner to put him off. I was really nervous by dinner (unheard of for me on a date!!) because I liked him and I know I said some unusual things that came across probably defensively and maybe even arrogant...I do think these were the reasons he had second thoughts. I don't want to out myself but I made a political joke (I would never usually do this!) and I think he took it seriously, for example. We also started talking about relationships and I said I never get too interested in anyone (true but unnecessary to say). I also said I nearly cancelled the date because I was going to do some DIY before I went back to work on Monday. I meant this a bit tongue in cheek but he took it at face value. I feel like a total idiot. I am never usually like this ever on a date, it was like some really nervous, shy person took over by the time we went for dinner and I kept putting my foot in it.

Part of me wants to message him today and try and explain but I am also aware that would be crazy?! Wouldn't it? He's constantly watching my Instagram stories (I know this is a very immature way of second guessing someone's behaviours, but I wonder why if he has said he's not interested in another date?!). we are both mid thirties and professionals and I feel like I've become a 15 year old again with the analysis I am doing.

Chalk it up to bad experience or contact him? I have dated for years so I am reluctant to let it slide but then if he's made his mind up then he has I guess?

I don't want to block him as I liked him so much! I realise I sound crazy.

That’s exactly why you need to block him.

I never understood why people found online dating shit but here is why. IT FEELS SHIT!

I know I need to block him. suppose I am hoping he contacts me. ridiculous.

Do you think he would respect you if you went out with him again after he told you there was no spark?

No. I think im just finding it hard because he is the only person I have been excited about. sort of want to know where I went wrong and also annoyed with myself for not being genuine and becoming so flustered on the date.

Have you never been on a date with someone who you had a nice evening with but you knew you didn't want it to go anywhere? You just didn't get the 'feels'? It happens. He suggested the extension of the date because he was enjoying your company and took you home because he was being nice. But by then he knew you were not the one for him. It just is what it is. As for the instagram stories...I watch all of them that pop up. It means nothing. Literally NOTHING

You've spoken to him once followed by one date and you know "he's definitely not hugely into social media".

No you don't. You've heard from a couple of people now who have admitted to mindless boredom Instagram scrolling.

What you choose to read into him doing that now is all in your head. You can save yourself all this overanalysing by simply blocking him.

You know not very much about him at all, other than he behaved like a decent human being on the date, made sure you got home safely, and then very politely, clearly, unambiguously told you he is not interested in seeing you again.

If it was me I probably would. What you got to lose? If he says no / blocks you, you’re no worse off 🤷‍♀️

No, don't contact them. Once someone has decided this, it's not your job to change their mind.

I get that it hurts - it happened to me yesterday! I was on the fence about this person but it never feels nice

Chalk it up to experience. You want someone who's happy to be with you, who can appreciate you for your little quirks, just as you like theirs

You can't convince someone into dating you! Keep a hold on to your self respect and dignity and keep swiping. Happens to all of us

What you got to lose?

Her self respect?

only because we happened to have a conversation about social media in quite a lot of detail!

I think im just having a heard time with it as he seemed very interested at the time. i obviously mis read the signals massively.

Every date I've been on I've liked the guy as a person but only once felt a spark and that was because we had spoken a lot prior to meeting. Usually they have felt the same apart from a guy I ended up having a relationship with, the guy I'm seeing now and another who I went on a few dates despite being not sure because he was very keen. However, even after a few more dates I didn't feel the spark. He's been honest, you hardly know him so forget about him.

thanks asleep if it were a friend suggesting this there is no way I would want them to contact him and I would just say if he wants to see you or changes his mind, he will get in touch.

it just feels a bit shitty and quite confusing. I wont trust myself in future if I think it is going well!

I totally understand the impulse to ask for a do-over / apologise for perceived errors, etc.

Don't do this. Leave him and don't contact him.

I would bet money - not a lot, but some - that if you leave it alone, at some point he will get back in touch with you. When this happens, whether it's a good thing or not, or what he will say when he does, I couldn't tell you. But I doubt you've heard the last of him.

So relax. Go about your life, see other people, keep pursuing what you want. Don't think about him - the universe will send him back into your life sooner or later.

This is how I've always approached these situations and it's very useful. And usually, by the time he does pop back up, I have completely moved on :)

He’s just one man , you’re giving him so much power over you.

You liked him...he didn’t like you as much.

There are lots of other men. At least now you know there are men you can fancy.

Move on. Don’t contact him

It's not about you, though - this is him. Maybe he did think you spoke too much. Maybe he got a text from his ex girlfriend. Maybe he's a prick and you dodged a bullet. Maybe he's shallow, maybe he didn't feel he was that keen, maybe he can't be bothered and just wants to mess women around

You're not going to know, so there's no point trying to untangle this because you never will.

Like I said, it hurts, but from my own past experience - don't try to explain or bargain or send a long message. It won't make a difference, whatever you say.

As soon as someone indicates their lack of interest, it's time for you to turn yours off too. You deserve better

finewords I almost wish he’d blocked me on everything! I feel as if he’s kept the communication channels open. I realise I can close them, I just don’t want to.

madam yes I did think that. It was nice actually remembering what it’s like to feel attracted to someone- think I had forgotten!

Meh, what have you got to lose? I would. You know yourself that you didn't show your best self. If you asked him for another chance, but also said you would accept if the chance is gone and you won't bother him again, then I don't see the issue. Even if he thinks negatively of it, so what? If it doesn't work, you'll never see him again anyway!

skiess I just wouldn’t know how to phrase it. I’d rather contact him randomly about something else we talked about and then maybe mention it.

Sort of feels like purposely putting myself through lots of angst though

Also, you won't 'lose self respect' by sending one message, then accepting if he says no thanks....it's a bit melodramatic to suggest otherwise

I actually think you have dodged a bullet.

You said a bunch of stuff that (inadvertently) apparently offended him. Imagine having to constantly apologise, explain yourself and backtrack in order to keep him happy. Exhausting.

He has all the power now, and if you chase him, he will know he needs to make no effort with you if he wants a quick shag.

If it’s confusing it is NOT worth it.

Seriously, just block him.

A few of my friends flick through every Instagram story just to get rid of them at the top of the screen. They don't even watch them they just click through them all really fast. If he's told you he doesn't want to take it any further then I doubt he's watching your stories because he's interested. He's already told you he isn't.

It's always shit when you finally find someone you want to carry on dating and they don't feel the same but texting him won't change how he feels.

Thanks it’s been helpful talking about this

Can’t believe I’m this hung up on someone after one day

Do you think you might have been attracted to him because you sensed that he was not interested in you?

blue I don’t think so as embarrassingly I really did think he felt the same!

If you did message him, definitely don't try to explain yourself. Just ask if he'd be willing to meet up again and if not, you won't bother him again.

When I was at university, I fancied one of my friends. Another 'friend' decided to act like a 12 year old and told him that I liked him. He basically said he wasn't interested in anyone at that point. I was embarrassed and also a little gutted. But i stayed friends with him.
Almost 15 years later, we're now happily married with 4 kids. He wasn't an abusive wanker, he wasn't playing hard to get, or out for a shag. Just human.