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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Would it be crazy to contact this date?

108 replies

ShakeIt678 · 05/01/2020 14:48

On Friday I went on a date with someone I had spoken with once on the phone. The call was great and he text afterwards to ask if we could meet on the Friday, I said yes and we arranged to go to a national park for a walk round and grab a coffee.

We meet and I was instantly attracted to him. This NEVER happens to me, ever. I've been dating for years regularly.

We had a good time, he suggested going for food after we had walked round the gardens. I agreed. He paid, was very polite generally and offered to drive me home as I had taken a taxi to the national park.

I text him when I got home and said I had a good time, he replied saying he had too. I then suggested another date, to which he said he didn't feel this was something he wanted to take forwards as he didn't think there was a spark for him.

It has left me quite confused and knocked my confidence. I keep going over what I said, or wondering if he thought my photos didn't look like me. But then obviously he was the one suggesting dinner after the park, not me. So then I have been over thinking what I said during dinner to put him off. I was really nervous by dinner (unheard of for me on a date!!) because I liked him and I know I said some unusual things that came across probably defensively and maybe even arrogant...I do think these were the reasons he had second thoughts. I don't want to out myself but I made a political joke (I would never usually do this!) and I think he took it seriously, for example. We also started talking about relationships and I said I never get too interested in anyone (true but unnecessary to say). I also said I nearly cancelled the date because I was going to do some DIY before I went back to work on Monday. I meant this a bit tongue in cheek but he took it at face value. I feel like a total idiot. I am never usually like this ever on a date, it was like some really nervous, shy person took over by the time we went for dinner and I kept putting my foot in it.

Part of me wants to message him today and try and explain but I am also aware that would be crazy?! Wouldn't it? He's constantly watching my Instagram stories (I know this is a very immature way of second guessing someone's behaviours, but I wonder why if he has said he's not interested in another date?!). we are both mid thirties and professionals and I feel like I've become a 15 year old again with the analysis I am doing.

Chalk it up to bad experience or contact him? I have dated for years so I am reluctant to let it slide but then if he's made his mind up then he has I guess?

OP posts:
Bluntness100 · 05/01/2020 22:06

Op, have you posted about this before, the other day? Because there was someone posted about being rejected for a second date, and she was also writing her time was up and she was 35. Very very similar, just some minor detail changes...

WardrobeTeddy · 05/01/2020 22:07

I agree don’t contact him

I also agree with the ONS thing - there’s a lot of guys who will run a “date format” through hoping that the woman will just instigate sex quickly (nothing to do with her conversation/looks/personality) and will drop her ASAP if she doesn’t immediately invite him to hers

The crazy thing is they won’t even be quite flirtatious/sex-open on their profiles or set up a “flirtatious location” ie drinks, they just want the woman to basically throw herself at them.

I had one guy who was clearly a very good catch on paper (seriously loaded) who met me in busy Caffè Nero for a coffee (sexy location Grin) and didn’t really do much beyond be polite/pay etc, tried to hold my hand, and clearly dropped me straight afterwards as he thought I would just instigate sex/chase him then.

ShakeIt678 · 05/01/2020 22:13

Yeah he could have just enjoyed the park I guess, it was his suggestion!

No not posted before about this. Only happened on Friday!

I don’t know if he was after sex...I’m just disappointed I rushed to make contact after he left, thought I was onto something good!

OP posts:
CatAndHisKit · 05/01/2020 23:40

Sometimes 'no spark' means no meeting of minds if he's an intellectual type OR cares about politics a lot and though you were not compatible in views - so he may have found you good-looking and complimented you but then realised you are not getting on as personalities (or where values are concered!).
As you say, you were making somewhat arrogant comments/political jokes. In this case it could be worth saying in a message - "Just wanted to add that if it was my comments/jokes that put you off, it was due to nerves - I realise I said some awkward things! "

CatAndHisKit · 05/01/2020 23:41

*thought, not though.

Makesmilingyourbesthobby · 06/01/2020 00:23

Hmm I normally say forget and move on he’s been clear he isn’t interested for whatever reason he has but if you have been dating for years and this is the first guy to peak your interest id say give it one last subtle shot, hmm if he watches your instagram stories could you get a image of a spark plug or something to do with a spark off of google and upload to you story and write something like ‘need to invest in a spark plug’ or something make it a jokey kind of story if he is really watching your stories not just flicking through them to watch the next one and he is the slightest bit curious it may que his curiosity if it’s about him as he said lacking spark if he views it and you still don’t hear off him then you tried and can move on, and no it isn’t a good idea to personally message him though

Sunshineandflipflops · 06/01/2020 08:02

This guy could have had another date just before you and on balance, decided that he wanted to peruse the other one. It happens (come onto the dating thread!) and is no reflection on you, although it feels like it. Just maybe he felt more of a spark with someone else.

Zaphodsotherhead · 06/01/2020 10:47

And at least he told you before you got too attached!

Back in my young(er) days I dated a man from OLD. We were together for about six months, enjoying ourselves (I thought), sleeping together, going out and socialising and I was, subconsciously, planning a kind of future with him. When out of the blue he announced that, whilst all this was very nice, he was never going to fall in love with me, 'the spark just isn't there'.

Well, thank you very much, Mr 'I'll just string you along for six months cos I need regular sex and someone socially able enough to take out'.

I was gutted. And horrified. So you dodged that bullet, at least.

Don't contact him. He knows where you are if he's had a rethink.

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