Can't take any more (sex)

[mummy1428]

I am sick to death of my husband complaining that I "never want sex". We have been together 15 years and have a 2 & 4 yr old. We both work busy jobs and life is hectic. We never had sex at all when I was pregnant and we now have sex once a week. This is already me making a huge effort. I would quite happily never have sex again, I am constantly tired and I do not feel attractive in the slightest. I need a good sleep to be able to handle the physical and mental demands of the next day so I like to be asleep by 10pm every evening. My oldest goes to bed about 8.30pm so that only gives me 1.5 hours to "myself". After a crazy day when I finally get my son to sleep and I get to sit down and breathe.. there is nothing I find more irritating than my husband starting with the sex comments. It's like he is thinking "ok the kids are done with her.. my turn now". Last night he made a comment about having sex, I said no... and again he started with the "why do you never want to have sex with me" sob story. I honestly just snapped. I can't take it any more. He goes in these little moods every few months and doesn't appreciate that I am already making a big effort by having sex once a week (he probably doesn't know as I do try to appear enthusiastic and not act like it's a chore). I'm so fed up and feel like divorce is the only answer as he will never be happy with the amount of sex we have. I don't want to split up my family but I can't see another way out. I'm not sure what I'm hoping to get from this post but I needed to write it down!!

Honestly one of the best things about being single is having time to myself and not pestered for sex. Have a FWB who is lovely and caring without being clingy and needy. Your DH sounds selfish and the mood swings sound like a drain.

Being nagged for sex is really unpleasant, and yes you are making a massive effort doing it once a week when you don't want it. Others mightn't understand that it's hard, but having sex when you don't want it is awful. I think you should leave him. xxx

Is he helping with the children and the domestic stuff? It shouldn't all be down to you if you both work out of the home.

I don't think your DH is selfish but then again neither are you. You both have different wants and needs.
We have the opposite in our relationship. I want it more often than DP but it doesn't happen. I do sometimes give him a sob story as I really do feel we do not have sex as often as we used to because I am not as attractive.
But then again we have 4 children and stressful jobs so maybe he is tired. I don't overly pester him though.
Have you sat him down and had a serious conversation about it?

It is soul destroying being in this kind of relationship though, for both parties. You’re obviously a sexual mismatch
What exactly is the effort involved? The effort to fake enthusiasm you mean? Or the effort to find quiet time? Physical exertion?
Which part do you find such a chore?

Op I understand I really do have only just started to pick things back up with my DH now that the DC are 6 and 3 (and even then we only average about twice a month, due to his and my work shifts)

Try to remember you are supposed to be on the same team.

My advice is that yes he needs to stop going on about it but try to see that he is likely worried you have gone off him.

Does he pick up any of the drudge work? I think likely not if he doesn't understand your tiredness.
Does this need to be more 50/50 to take the pressure off you?
How much you time do you get?

If the balance is off you need to speak to him and ask him to step up.

I also know it's important to increase the basic intimacy (hugs, hand holding, kisses) without the pressure of it having to lead to sex to make sure that you both still feel loved and connected.

Sorry I didn't mean that it is a chore I just try and make it seem natural. It's not natural to me. I would say it's a bit like going to the gym. I can never be bothered and there's a million things I would rather do but I enjoy it when I'm there. No he does not help much with the kids etc. He would disagree with this but he just has no idea of the ten million things I take care of in a day. He gives all his energy to his job and I keep everything else going.

How did you deal with the miss-match in libido for the ten years you were together before the children came along?

I think the real issue here isn't the sex. Do you still find him attractive? Are you getting enough help to cope with your kids, so that you can feel happy and confident? Do you feel fulfilled in your relationship, i.e. is he a true partner, rather than just another thing on the "to do" list? It's hard work, caring for children. No wonder you feel exhausted and shattered. If you're run ragged all day it's hardly surprising you don't want to suddenly turn into a sex siren at the drop of a hat. But the point is, there are obvious barriers to your desire to want to have sex with him in the first place. Perhaps you need to think about ways you could identify and then communicate what you need, to make you feel better as a first step. You may find that if he's responsive to these needs, you might feel more desire for him.

It's important to know your not alone and it's not just you and your relationship that suffers after having children op.

You do need to decide if you still want to be with him (which my advice above is based on) or if you feel you have reached the end of the road and want to leave.

I understand needing to get it all out, it can feel so suffocating.

I have managed to book myself a one night away spa weekend for the first weekend soon via a really good Groupon/wowcher deal and DH is enabling me to go and have some time to myself. Is something like this possible?

He worked offshore for the first 10 years so we went a long time without sex and I learned to live on my own most of the time. Maybe I am just made to be on my own!

@AgathaVanHelsing that could be a good idea for me thanks

@Thetellyisjelly 'What exactly is the effort involved? The effort to fake enthusiasm you mean? Or the effort to find quiet time? Physical exertion?
Which part do you find such a chore?'

If you don't want sex and feel you have to have it, doing it is awful. People who've never felt that way don't understand it seems. Imagine a time when you've done an act sexually you didn't want to and did as a favour for the person or because you felt you should- whether it was a blowjob, handjob or whatever. If you've never felt you've had to do something you didn't want to in bed, then you've led a charmed life. Imagine the things you've done just to make the sex seem reciprocal, though you didn't enjoy that part of foreplay or were particularly not feel it that day, or didn't like the particular position particularly but it's your partner's favourite, or whatever. Now multiply it by 100 and that's how it feels to have penetrative sex you don't want.

Do you ever initiate sex? My partner doesn't and it really upsets me.

I've had plenty of times I just wasn't in the mood, and I don't have children. No-one is in the mood at all times.

Well, maybe some hypersexual people are, but most people aren't always in the zone.

@DrDreReturns this is something my husband complains about but I honestly wouldn't ever have the chance to. As soon as he is home from work he starts "testing the water" about having massages etc and makes sexual comments about my ass or how I look. I couldn't initiate it even if I wanted to. Also.. the way he acts like he is constantly trying to "persuade" me to have sex means that initiating sex is the last thing I want to do.

@DrDreReturns How grim it is that people feel they have to initiate sex they don't want, just to please their partner or try and prevent a row or a mood that casts a cloud, or out of a sense of obligation.

@Interestedwoman well I get what you’re saying, but I just wouldn’t be in a relationship with someone if I felt that giving them a blowjob or a hand job was some kind of endurance test. I couldn’t perform any sexual act I didn’t want to whilst in a relationship, no matter how much I was trying to please, but I think that’s the inner voice designed to tell us we shouldn’t be with that person .

@mummy1428 OMG that is awful. Married to a sex pest who tries to (or maybe sometimes succeeds) in sexually coercing you. It's like putting up with a creep. @Thetellyisjelly come to think of it, that's what it feels like. Imagine having sex with someone you meet who's a creep.

Take your issue in front of a couples therapist. Seriously. You speak as though your family might break up over this, you really should try to broker a deal in front of a professional first.

It’ll tell your DH how important and ‘ultimatum’ the point he’s pushing you towards is.

Make the appointments (3 sessions or so) and tell him the dates. Don’t ask or suggest it, just set it up.

Our culture makes both men & women think that it’s natural for men to ‘push’ and women to ‘resist’ sex. Everyone suffers from this, in my book. It stops real conversations, and it probably stops your husband thinking much beyond his needs to what you’re actually feeling.

I’m a woman on the complete other side of this problem, but I still think straight talking is the answer.

I'm in a similar boat, and even when we have more sex than usual it's never enough for him. But I think it isn't so much about sex as him being able to tell me off and point out I'm slacking which he does with every single thing I do. I can't face leaving again yet (we separated for 6 months) as the harassment over contact with DD and causing scenes every single pick up and drop off was more torturous than having sex I don't want. The nagging over sex makes it even harder to put up and shut up as I feel I never get a break from thinking about it - even though I have less than zero interest in sex with him. I still have a libido, but i will never find him an attractive prospect after his behaviour. Sorry you're in this situation too OP

KurriKawari Same here! sometimes when we see each other one or both cba to have sex, just enjoy the date and go to bed to go straight to sleep! we could easily be F without the WB so chill, and no pressure.

ok the kids are done with her.. my turn now

An awful thing for you to feel OP, but I get you.

@Thetellyisjelly I don't think a lot of women are turned on every time by giving a blowjob or handjob. They do it in a 'you scratch my back' kind of way if their partner's done something sexual for them, or because they feel they should.

@nocluewhattodoo same here - I think if we had sex every day it wouldn't be enough. He complained we didn't kiss enough so we kissed more often then it was "why do you never use your tongue". Complained about no blow jobs then it's "oh I want to do a 69". We used a couple of toys then he started wanting me to get some "kinky gear". It's like every little bit I give he just tries to get more. I feel like he should be the one leaving me as I am clearly not what he is looking for.