Can't take any more (sex)

[mummy1428]

I am sick to death of my husband complaining that I "never want sex". We have been together 15 years and have a 2 & 4 yr old. We both work busy jobs and life is hectic. We never had sex at all when I was pregnant and we now have sex once a week. This is already me making a huge effort. I would quite happily never have sex again, I am constantly tired and I do not feel attractive in the slightest. I need a good sleep to be able to handle the physical and mental demands of the next day so I like to be asleep by 10pm every evening. My oldest goes to bed about 8.30pm so that only gives me 1.5 hours to "myself". After a crazy day when I finally get my son to sleep and I get to sit down and breathe.. there is nothing I find more irritating than my husband starting with the sex comments. It's like he is thinking "ok the kids are done with her.. my turn now". Last night he made a comment about having sex, I said no... and again he started with the "why do you never want to have sex with me" sob story. I honestly just snapped. I can't take it any more. He goes in these little moods every few months and doesn't appreciate that I am already making a big effort by having sex once a week (he probably doesn't know as I do try to appear enthusiastic and not act like it's a chore). I'm so fed up and feel like divorce is the only answer as he will never be happy with the amount of sex we have. I don't want to split up my family but I can't see another way out. I'm not sure what I'm hoping to get from this post but I needed to write it down!!

My husband will only have sex if I'm wearing stockings and dress up which I do once a week every week.

Oh just split up. It sounds utterly miserable for both of you. You are having sex you don’t want and your husband is desperately trying to get more. It’s not fair on either of you equally. Either you talk and both parties make an effort to compromise...or go your own ways.
I’ve been the partner not getting sex and it was awful. We’d have sex once a week and I had to be grateful for that. I felt rejected and lonely and could not have lasted like that.
It’s not going to get better, so I think this one has run it’s course.

Was like this with my ex. I explained to him I was tired and not in the mood because I had been doing a lot of household chores and there were still lots to do, but he never pitched in, if he wanted more sex then he needed to help more so I were less tired and also less pissed off with him. His answer: don't wash and iron the clothes we both need for tomorrow or shop for food when our larder is empty, just have sex.

@missarad
Do you want to do it though?

Starlink your comment is twattish

I read an article when a woman traded sex for chores . Basically she said you share the load equally , and I mean equally and then I will have more energy for sex
That said he sounds really fucking annoying and you probably hate him
I think so many women have this issue

Do you still love him ? Is it worth fixing ?

Op this could of been me writing this last year (and the 3 years before) 2 young kids and 3 teens a dog, cat, house to attend too so was knackered by the end of the day and would make my way up to bed. Dp would follow and start pestering, he'd start trying to gear me up in the day try to sext but I'd just ignore him. The last thing I wanted was sex and could have happily go the rest of my life without it. Like you I'd give in every few weeks and just grin and bare it but it honestly was a chore to add to the long list I already had. I was then diagnosed with pnd and was put on anti depressants and with a couple of weeks my sex drive went through the roof and dp couldn't keep up and was turning me down

We've split up now after 8 years together, best thing I ever done! Honestly I don't think I'm made for settling down life I love the single life. No ones pestering me for shit ( apart from the 5 kids) I do what I want when I want. I sleep alone yipeeee no snoring to listen too. Honestly it's the best, we still meet up once or twice a week for sex and it suits me down to the ground it's like a weight has been lifted.

Is doing more chores really the magic aphrodisiac some claim? If she's just not attracted to him any more, than him doing more housework is going to make little difference.

Next time he whines and asks why you never want sex, tell him his constant pestering is a complete turn off.

Scott - exhaustion and resentment are massive passion killers so yes, I think it would make a big difference. It certainly would have done for me.

I understand you OP and actually manage it as others have suggested by having a designated day a week. Not ideal for the romance but The main issue is the constant advances which I hate saying no to (because of the reaction). I understand that from his aide it painful to get rejected etc so whilst it’s not an ideal
Situation this way I’m not feeling like he is pestering me- reality is I don’t have spare second and am exhausted. Certainly not romance but best approach for us at moment with little ones

I was once told that it takes at least 2 years for your sex drive to return after having children - I had 2 2 and a half years apart and genuinely think for at least 5 years I was in the same boat. Just feeling like it was a massive effort and not really bothered about it. Then suddenly I was keen again - thankfully my husband just put up with the once a week thing though he did try most days. I think you do kind of have to make the effort occasionally but agree it's tough when they wont drop it, you end up dreading bedtime cos you just want to he left alone. Or maybe have a bit of a cuddle.

I guess I'm saying that divorce would be extreme, if you can just explain to him that you still love him but it's normal to not be keen! I'm now pregnant with our 3rd 8 years on and my hubby is fully anticipating not alot of sex for quite a long time!

Scott I hear ya
But imagine a world where the couples share the work and do everything needed up till bedtime
Mine went to bed late and I often then had to tidy kitchen , or most often I collapsed

We have split anyway but I deeply resented his lack of help . So no sex as I was angry and didn’t want to connect

I was then diagnosed with pnd and was put on anti depressants and with a couple of weeks my sex drive went through the roof and dp couldn't keep up and was turning me down

Could you tell me which AD that was, please?

I think he's lucky with once a week we are the other way around I'd like sex once a week and my husband has no sex drive and we have sex 3x a year I hate it and feel distant from him and the lack of affection is really tough especially as we've only been married 4 years

@mummy1428 I've been there too, I used to call the sex 'anti-sex' as that's how I felt about it. Eventually I realised it was sexual coercion, and sometimes rape ('sex' with me while I was asleep, which I didn't consent to at any time.) He used to sy 'I deserve it.' (!) I should've answered him back as I thought and said 'it doesn't work that way.'

An individual therapist wouldn't/shouldn't be like that, they'd be there to support you. The couples therapist shouldn'tve been like that either IMO.

I second those PP's who've raved about the single life. Honestly, it's like when I get in the door I can breathe. I'm completely chilled in my own space. No stress or drama in my home. Maybe a bit too much Prosecco, chocolate and pizza tho.:)

Oh and I have a FWB :) He has to put up with me turning him down when I'm not in the mood tho

For me, sharing the chores at home wouldn’t make me want more sex. I think it goes deeper than that and is often about how someone feels about themselves and their partner rather than a fair and equal division of housework.

I do everything at home, including with DC. I’ve been stuck in a maternal prison for three years with barely an opportunity to enjoy my own thoughts. BUT, I would love to have more sex than we do. It’s DH that isn’t that bothered. He’s happy with once a month but I’d like once a week. It’s great when we do it; it’s just not enough.

Could you tell me which AD that was, please?

Could you tell me which AD that was, please?

Citalopram.

OP, just tell your husband that you don't find him attractive and find sex with him a chore. The problem will sort itself out.

Either he leaves or gets himself something on the side. Either way, you don't have to have sex with him, which is what you want, right?

In the unlikely event he sticks around, he sort of waives his right to complain because you've given him full disclosure. If you're pretending to enjoy sex once a week, you're sending the message that all he has to do is get you to the point where you start having sex, then you'll enjoy it.

You're not doing performing an altruistic act by having sex with him once a week. You're giving him enough of a carrot to keep him from leaving you and potentially finding a woman who actually enjoys being with him. What advice would you give a woman who was being strung along like that?

OP I am in the same position as you - except our DS is older at 11 so I can't use tiredness as an excuse, I just don't feel remotely sexually attracted to DH anymore. We've been together for 23 years, married for 13 of those. I too agree to sex once a week, but I never actually want to do it. DH has also tried to touch me (e.g. my breasts) when he thinks I'm asleep. I honestly think I'd be much happier without him here but I don't know how practical that is. With a bit of financial help from my mum I could afford to buy him out of the house, but that seems so extreme and I don't think he's agree to that anyway.

He is a loving and kind man, but I just don't feel attracted to him. It's such a difficult situation and I completely sympathise with you. I have felt like this for many months/years, but it seems easier to do nothing and just carry on as we are.

I've not got time to read all of the thread, but this could honestly be me writing it!

I dread my husband coming home and most nights I pretend to be asleep so he doesn't pester me. He gets grumpy if he doesn't have it and also moans that I never ask for it. I mean why would I? If he's asking for it all the time, the day he doesn't I'm hardly likely to ask for it!!

We've been together over 20years and I'm afraid it doesn't get any better. As you say once we're actually doing it I enjoy it but want it over as quick as possible. Once a week is more than enough but DH would have it every night!

I've been quite fortunate unlucky in that I've been on antibiotics for a week and I've might have told a white lie that it's given me thrush! It might be going on for a while

We went over 3 years from when our youngest was born without any sex. Yes it was shit, and I probably watched too much porn in that time! But I didn't want to have sex with someone who didn't really want to - you can tell when someone is just going along with it and shit sex is worse than no sex imo. He is obviously not approaching things very well - innuendos etc are fun when it's a back and forth, but from one side only it's just creepy and letchy.

But what I did find hardest is that she didn't want to talk about it at all, or acknowledge it as an issue. I think I could have coped better if she had just been a bit more open about how she was feeling. Even though it's not easy to have someone you're with say they don't want sex, I'd much rather that than a burying head in the sand approach. In the end we have got past it. Has taken a bit of rebuilding slowly and surely but we are getting there. Interesting about the AD. After my wife started (on a relatively low dose) her libido has gone up significantly. So I do think that sometimes there might be background issues that need looking into (but the husband in this case is still being an ass).

Oh, and after some of the other posts. I just stopped asking or making and insinuations towards sex. It would only happen when she wanted. Which wasn't for a long time, but I think gave her reassurance that I wasn't just after it all the time. I also said that I wanted to be able to be affectionate without her thinking I just wanted sex. So she could ask me for a massage or whatever without worrying I'd be after anything else.

How about this?

Schedule sex once a week at a time that suits you both. Tell him in no uncertain terms that you won't do it other than that time. Then tell him his constant pestering is making you feel so shit that if it doesn't stop immediately you'll leave him. Don't leave the door open for sex other than the scheduled time. Tell him if he feels the urge then to have a wank, in private.

Honestly he sounds like a bit of a twat.