Can't take any more (sex)

[mummy1428]

I am sick to death of my husband complaining that I "never want sex". We have been together 15 years and have a 2 & 4 yr old. We both work busy jobs and life is hectic. We never had sex at all when I was pregnant and we now have sex once a week. This is already me making a huge effort. I would quite happily never have sex again, I am constantly tired and I do not feel attractive in the slightest. I need a good sleep to be able to handle the physical and mental demands of the next day so I like to be asleep by 10pm every evening. My oldest goes to bed about 8.30pm so that only gives me 1.5 hours to "myself". After a crazy day when I finally get my son to sleep and I get to sit down and breathe.. there is nothing I find more irritating than my husband starting with the sex comments. It's like he is thinking "ok the kids are done with her.. my turn now". Last night he made a comment about having sex, I said no... and again he started with the "why do you never want to have sex with me" sob story. I honestly just snapped. I can't take it any more. He goes in these little moods every few months and doesn't appreciate that I am already making a big effort by having sex once a week (he probably doesn't know as I do try to appear enthusiastic and not act like it's a chore). I'm so fed up and feel like divorce is the only answer as he will never be happy with the amount of sex we have. I don't want to split up my family but I can't see another way out. I'm not sure what I'm hoping to get from this post but I needed to write it down!!

"People who've never felt that way don't understand it seems. "

If you've never felt this way, it's impossible to 'get' how the OP feels.

I get her. Completely.

I dont think there’s any way around this OP.

You sound like you want a platonic relationship and I cant say I blame you. He sounds like a groping sex pest.

There’s nothing like having your body back when you've spent years being touched-out and groped/used for sex.

Urghhhjj I would have this. I remember just how tired I was when the dc were young. The last thing I wanted to do was have sex in the 1.5 hrs I had whilst the dc were in bed. I was married to a sex peat for years and honestly it was a huge factor as to why I left. I can't tell you the relief I felt knowing I could get in from work and go to bed without having someone continuously groping me or pestering me for sex

I guess for the majority of your relationship you didn't really see each other much/have sex as he was offshore and it sounds like it suited you just fine.
Now your relationship has gone through a seismic change over the past 5 years - not only have you got two children but your husband's around all the time! That is a massive difference to your life - 10 years not seeing each other much then 5 years living together, both working and two kids.
It might well be that your relationship worked when he was based offshore and unfortunately it doesn't work when you live together on a day-to-day basis - a basic mismatch in personalities that was hidden when you weren't together very much.
Maybe this should be discussed in counselling as well as the fact he should pick up his share of the tasks & stop pestering for sex.

And we wonder why men have affairs....

I was like this for months. Years even really and put it down to having two small kids. Recently came off he pill and it has been a gamechanger!
I get you don't want more sex and you shouldn't do something you don't want but you need to consider that he may have needs too. He could be less annoying about it, but the constant knock backs will be frustrating for him.

I felt like you OP though my XH wasn’t a pest about it. I wish I had understood that when the DC were little it was because I was all touched out. I could have explained that and he would have understood. As it was We let things ride and his resentment and hence behaviour (re other things) got worse. In the end I didn’t want sex because I didn’t want his behaviour so we divorced. Now I love sex, because I’m not with him AND because I haven’t got little children bugging me.

What I’m saying is: talk, a lot, before it’s too late

OP I absolutely completely understand how you are feeling. There’s nothing worse than having sex out of obligation when you don’t want to, to avoid an argument. It’s sickening really.
My ex was a lazy self entitled miserable slob who did absolutely nothing to help me around the house, spent all his time whinging and moaning about everyone and everything. Then expected me to drop my knickers whenever he felt like it. He’d start groping me and I’d feel rage inside.
I don’t know what the answer is for you. I left but I didn’t have DC to think about. I’ve lived on my own for 4.5 years now. I’ve had brief relationships in that time but nothing serious. I’ll never let a man live with me again. I love my big comfy bed with nobody harassing me for sex. It’s bliss

My DH was very similar to this, and we ended up splitting up over it. We had a terrible row one night in which I told him that his pestering repulsed me, and his touch made my skin crawl.

We had 6 months apart, in which he realised that the grass wasn't greener, there wasn't sex on tap with another woman waiting in the wings, and he realised that he missed his family. So over the process of another 6 months, he moved back in.

It wasn't all roses around the garden, but it did save our marriage.

My wife would probably describe me as OP has done in the past, maybe not in the same scale, but nonetheless I was keen and she wasn't.

Five years ago I gave up, she is now happy having sex once or twice a year. Would probably be happier with none at all. I've spent years fantasising about leaving her, the fear of the loss of my kids is what keeps me in place though.

I plan on leaving when they have flown the nest, hopefully that isn't too ingenious.

I know the idea of scheduling sex sounds very unsexy, but I would suggest setting aside one night eg Saturday night for intimacy.

Explain to him you are tired and touched out and that makes you not want sex, so if he wants you to be in the mood he needs to:
Give you a lie-in on Saturday morning (he can have one on Sunday)
Do some housework
Take the kids out for a couple of hours on Saturday afternoon so you can relax and have a bath etc

And also that you will be the one initiating sex so he needs to stop mentioning or pestering completely. And that when you have sex it needs to be on your terms without him pushing for more of what he wants.
Promise yourself though that when you are rested, relaxed and unharrassed on Saturday night you will initiate sex once the children are in bed.

Give it a couple of months of having sex every Saturday night after a lovely relaxing day and then see how you feel. IME the more you do it, the more you want it (especially if it's enjoyable sex and you're not feeling pressured or harrassed!).

I couldn't be doing with the innuendo and fake compliments. No bigger turn-off and I would seriously lose my temper.

My EX used to come home and give it all the cuddles and promises for 'later' and then be too tired. That used to yank my chain.

My lovely deceased partner and I had it just right (for us) We didn't actually DTD for 12 years or so due to various physical problems on my side. I often worried he would lose all patience and interest in such a 'useless' woman because I knew he loved the intimacy. Eventually I plucked up my courage and asked him. Bless him, he told me that what he felt for me was more important than any shag and that the kisses, hugs and cuddles well made up for anything I imagined he was 'missing'

God, I loved that man so much. Such irony that he died suddenly whilst I trudge on with all my problems...

I think this is a common problem with young families TBH! Many women feel exhausted both mentally and physically with a job ,and /or young children as well . Can you get a chance to talk and tell him how you feel? Is there any possibility of a weekend away without DC ? I think you also need to feel connected to him by having a cuddle while watching TV or while out and about .Tell him the pressure you feel and maybe see a Counsellor who will probably have some more ideas to try out .

I am single now have a FWB and have a very active sex life 2or 3 times a week however when I was with ex husband I felt exactly the same as you I think it was partly because I was exhausted and resentful that he would have a relaxing evening and I’d be doing everything for the family.

Sex was a chore that I forced myself in to stop arguments i ended up in a bad way mentally.

For me being single is how I’m happy sometimes my friend comes over and we just watch a film and fall asleep together as he has a very physically demanding job and horrid home situations. So likes just having a place to relax sometimes we have sex but nothing is forced or pressured. Ex husband has had kids one night i the last 3 months as he is too busy with his girlfriend and new baby. But honestly I left too late and ended up very mentally unwell and in a bad way I was frightened to leave yet now I would never have a relationship ever again my fwb knows this I have made it fully clear and we both agreed the friendship will always come first it works lovely for me. Give him half the chores op he will soon stop pestering you.

Most people would leave. If they could afford to. Buu they can't.

But most couples couldn't afford to split, 50-50 and both have a house, or even a flat, in their current town, to allow their dc to continue at their current schools, without too much disruption.

Mrs Bricks Sound advice there!

I too think the root cause is how exhausted the opportunity is from doing all the childcare and housework.
She is doing 2 jobs whilst her dh does one.
If the situation was reversed and the dh was working then every single night after work had to do housework and care for 2 young dc, then clean up once they had gone to bed and do all the mental load of family life and he wife was Mia I g that he wasn't I retested in doing x every single night, people would think the wife was unreasonable.
O p - You need to tell your dh that until the day comes when you can stroll in from work and don't have to do anything, including childcare, then you won't be feeling in the mood for sex.

Also make sure you get the sex you want. It's not just about him. Make sure you e joy it too.

He sounds fucking exhausting OP and all the sex pest stuff is such a turn off, he is lucky you do it once a week. Little DCs are really tiring and you just want to sleep and sleep. I don't know the answer, some men are just selfish whining arseholes. I would not share a bed with him. Plus he is a lazy cunt.

Starlink.I read that as hurtful, men have affairs even when the wife is a sex goddess, they do because they feel entitled

What about women? Do they have affairs because they feel entitled?

Your marriage won't survive this. Once sex withdrawal/nagging starts, it really is game over.
Take it from one who knows.

I'm wondering about how much porn he is consuming - either without or without your knowledge. Sounds to me like he is well and truly in porn-addled territory and confusing you with someone who performs sex on demand.

@Sicario I think you are probably correct. He stays up later than me every evening and always retreats to his office/man cave. I don't really mind him watching porn or whatever in there but if it's affecting his outlook on sex that's a concern! Many years ago he had a profile on a dirty chat site and it just made him think there are heaps of horny women out there who really want to f*ck him. It's the only time I've ever known of him to do it but I don't spy on him. Found out that time completely by chance.

I wouldn't bow down to coercive/obligated sex.. I'd pack his bags... but that's just me

He was assaulting you?! FFS never mind talking, get out of there.