Can't take any more (sex)

[mummy1428]

I am sick to death of my husband complaining that I "never want sex". We have been together 15 years and have a 2 & 4 yr old. We both work busy jobs and life is hectic. We never had sex at all when I was pregnant and we now have sex once a week. This is already me making a huge effort. I would quite happily never have sex again, I am constantly tired and I do not feel attractive in the slightest. I need a good sleep to be able to handle the physical and mental demands of the next day so I like to be asleep by 10pm every evening. My oldest goes to bed about 8.30pm so that only gives me 1.5 hours to "myself". After a crazy day when I finally get my son to sleep and I get to sit down and breathe.. there is nothing I find more irritating than my husband starting with the sex comments. It's like he is thinking "ok the kids are done with her.. my turn now". Last night he made a comment about having sex, I said no... and again he started with the "why do you never want to have sex with me" sob story. I honestly just snapped. I can't take it any more. He goes in these little moods every few months and doesn't appreciate that I am already making a big effort by having sex once a week (he probably doesn't know as I do try to appear enthusiastic and not act like it's a chore). I'm so fed up and feel like divorce is the only answer as he will never be happy with the amount of sex we have. I don't want to split up my family but I can't see another way out. I'm not sure what I'm hoping to get from this post but I needed to write it down!!

It must have been a mediator you went to and not a therapist then, they are different things.

Your situation will only get worse OP, the best thing to do is be open and honest and more than likely you two will split up, it has to be better than living like that.

@mummy1428

I found the more I did it, the more I liked it and then as the children got older the attraction came back again.

But he has got to respect your boundaries.

Understand that you are bone weary, treat you with respect, and if he helps he gets more. Not ask for 69s and games. Straightforward vanilla without outstaying his welcome 3 times a week.

"I too agree to sex once a week, but I never actually want to do it."

Tell him.

"DH has also tried to touch me (e.g. my breasts) when he thinks I'm asleep."

If he really is kind and loving he wouldn't realize how out of line this is, so tell him.

In situations like this, the woman isn't doing herself or her partner any favors by continuing to hide the truth that she's just lost all desire for him.

I am partially disabled and suffer from chronic pain, my ex husband saw me mowing the 100 foot lawn, doing all the weeding, doing all of the housework and working full time while he sat on his lazy arse doing fuck all.
Then when he started whining about his lack of sex every single bloody day and was told to fuck right off he was surprised!!
My life is 100% better now he's gone.

@nocluewhattodoo you are being abused.

Start documenting. Seriously. Every nasty thing he does.

And make plans to leave again. This time, disappear/don't cooperate with visitation.

And we wonder why men have affairs

Ahh yes, the poor menz, the poor things just can't control themselves can they. Seriously what a fucking ridiculous comment. People don't have affairs because of lack of sex, they do it because they are lying cheating shits. Some men cheat when they're not getting it at home. Some are having lots of sex at home and still cheat (believe me, I know). So back off with the victim blaming.

I also think it depends if your dh is satisfying you.
A lot of men don't know how to make a woman orgasm.
I was relatively old before I had my first orgasm. Sex education needs to improve radically.
My ex h couldn't be bothered with listening to my desires. I stopped wanting sex with him and he began moaning. I told him I felt like a cook, maid, cleaner and nanny.
I then met someone else (I had left h) and he really knew how to satisfy me.
Suddenly sex was great and I couldn't get enough.
We split up because he wanted more commitment and I didnt.

@Interestedwoman

Not sure why going to therapy to broker a deal that allows family life to continue is synonymous with ‘agreeing to coercive sex’? As if I’m advocating something where they negotiate how many BJs it takes per week for an easy life. C’mon.

OP has said she’s expecting and to some extent accepting the status quo to continue. I suggested that therapy is a good place to tell him her perspective and make clear how unappealing his advances are to her. Maybe even get a neutral person’s reaction to what’s happening (which is often eye-opening). I imagine them walking out of (good) therapy with him being under no illusions that to continue in this vein is to lose his family. And have his teenage behaviour become public knowledge.

So far OP seems to be unable to show assertiveness on this issue alone. Another person might help, but it’s not something you can easily ask friends or family to intervene with, is it.

Skittles- ah ok, if it's therapy to try and get him to stop being a twat, obviously, I agree with you. :)

my husband has no sex drive and we have sex 3x a year I hate it and feel distant from him and the lack of affection is really tough especially as we've only been married 4 years

Oh get over it, you’re basically the female version of the OP’s DH. No one is owed sex. OP should tell DH she no longer wants to have sex (because she doesn’t) and actually stick by what she wants. If he (or you) chooses to leave over it then that’s his choice but it’s not her fault. Sex is not negotiable.

Busybarbara it's not quite the same thing though her husband is pressurising her to have sex more than once a week which is really quite frequent, it's not quite the same as someone saying they feel a bit distant for only doing it a few times a year

I think this is a bit more than mismatched sex drives. Plenty of people have mismatched sex drives and don't feel like they're being hounded or pushed away.

Maybe he does equate sex and affection with love, and you associate being pestered to do something you're not keen on as selfish on his part and treating you like a commodity. It seems like the more he pushes this, the more put off you feel and then the more rejected he feels. Obviously touching you when you're asleep is not at all ok and this would put most people off as it's clearly putting his wants ahead of your wellbeing (and the law).

If you really don't want to split up I think you do need therapy or counselling together. You need to make him see that -
The more he pesters, the less likely you are to want to, as it's too much pressure
You need time to yourself and to feel recharged before you can consider sex. The more he dies his fair share in the house and with the kids, the more recharged and relaxed you will be.

I would be asking him not to put any pressure on you and let you initiate for a while. And also if he is feeling rejected, make more time for affection that isn't related to sex - hand holding, cuddling whatever. And also getting him to step up at housework etc