Can't take any more (sex)

[mummy1428]

I am sick to death of my husband complaining that I "never want sex". We have been together 15 years and have a 2 & 4 yr old. We both work busy jobs and life is hectic. We never had sex at all when I was pregnant and we now have sex once a week. This is already me making a huge effort. I would quite happily never have sex again, I am constantly tired and I do not feel attractive in the slightest. I need a good sleep to be able to handle the physical and mental demands of the next day so I like to be asleep by 10pm every evening. My oldest goes to bed about 8.30pm so that only gives me 1.5 hours to "myself". After a crazy day when I finally get my son to sleep and I get to sit down and breathe.. there is nothing I find more irritating than my husband starting with the sex comments. It's like he is thinking "ok the kids are done with her.. my turn now". Last night he made a comment about having sex, I said no... and again he started with the "why do you never want to have sex with me" sob story. I honestly just snapped. I can't take it any more. He goes in these little moods every few months and doesn't appreciate that I am already making a big effort by having sex once a week (he probably doesn't know as I do try to appear enthusiastic and not act like it's a chore). I'm so fed up and feel like divorce is the only answer as he will never be happy with the amount of sex we have. I don't want to split up my family but I can't see another way out. I'm not sure what I'm hoping to get from this post but I needed to write it down!!

@Skittlesandbeer 'Take your issue in front of a couples therapist. Seriously. You speak as though your family might break up over this, you really should try to broker a deal in front of a professional first.'

If someone doesn't want sex, they don't want sex. They shouldn't have to 'broker a deal' aka be coerced into agreeing to having sex they don't want. OP is already 'brokering a deal' by having sex she doesn't want every week.

@interested woman thanks for the explanation.
I’m a woman and you don’t speak for me at all.
I get so tired of women who don’t like sex speaking for other women as if we’re all unwilling participants in some ghastly necessity of life which we all secretly hate.

Of course he wants sex all the time. He’s doing nowt with the kids so has loads of spare energy! You don’t. You’re carrying 100% of the mental load. Why don’t you pass it onto him. Start making him cook tea as soon as he gets home. Do bedtime and bath. Make him stop at Tesco on the way home to pick up shopping. Start giving him essential tasks that have to be completed the minute he gets through the door. See how long his sexy pest lasts then. Honestly, you need to make him as worn out as you are. Men are just a pain in the ass. Who can be bothered with all that crap! It’s like they get married and expect sex on tap constantly. You didn’t sign up to be his whore!

@Skittlesandbeer @Interestedwoman we did at one point go to a therapist as he touched me whilst I was asleep to "initiate sex" and that was a breaking point for me. We said we wanted to work on the relationship at that point and the therapist was only interested in exploring childhoods and the reasons for why we are how we are and I wasn't interested in any of that if I'm honest

@mummy1428 he's too pushy and that's a real turn off. Plus what he's asking you to do is naff. IDK if you feel the same, but honestly (not that he did it) when I've had a partner who's more into sex than me, I wish/would be happy for them to have a lover to take the pressure off me.

@mummy1428 That is sexual assault. No therapist should be condoning that, they all should be saying it's not ok.

@Interestedwoman she said she wasn't allowed to have an opinion she was only a mediator. My only experience with a therapist so perhaps she wasn't very good. Yes it is sexual assault.. the plot thickens

He sounds tedious as fuck, honestly I’m not surprised you don’t want to have sex with him.

You totally need to shift half the daily tasks onto the lazy arse’s to do list.

OP - I was with someone like this for a number of years. Have been single for a good while now, and still love living free from sexual pressure. It has never got old.

I think part of the trouble I'm having is that I agree with him that I'm not an affectionate person in general. I don't hug my friends when I see them and never tell my mother I love her.. that kind of thing. So I understand that he has trouble being with me due to that. But that obviously doesn't excuse how he behaves. It's hard

I agree he sounds tedious.
Would turn any woman cold.

@powow exactly that!!

This is shit OP. You're either at work, caring for DCs or servicing your husbands needs 24/7. Sadly the sex act itself (the way it's evolved) is mostly centered on male pleasure, so I'm not surprised you're not champing at the bit to do yet more servicing.

You have my sympathy OP, I don't know what else to say. Apart from leave if you can of course.

@mummy1428 - IMO you should not be feeling this pressure from him everyday, it is so wrong. I could not live like this, your life is already pressured with looking after the children, work and home.

If you are not a naturally affectionate person you cannot force yourself to be like this and you will never be able to match up to what he wants you to be.
The counsellor you went to sounds useless, my suggestion would be to see another one maybe on your own to work out how you feel and what you want to do. It might be that separating is the only way you can both be happy. I wish you luck.

I feel like he should be the one leaving me as I am clearly not what he is looking for.

Would you consider an open marriage?

@TheStoic no I think I would rather just split up. I don't think that would be right for any of us - most importantly my children.

Yes, fair enough. Do you think you will move towards a separation now?

@TheStoic probably not. The thought of sharing my kids terrifies me. We will probably have a big argument tonight then go on as we were 🤷‍♀️🤦🏼‍♀️

If you got an angry bear and put it in a cage and prodded it you'd come somewhere close to how I felt when I was groped every time I got into bed - when I was asleep he'd touch me and he'd attempt sex without consent, and then in the morning I'd wake up to it. I got so sick of it I ended up physically shoving him off in a violent way.

That's a HUGE advantage to being single, that 'free' feeling is like nothing else. I got my body back and it's totally mine now. Lovely big cosy bed to myself every night for naked sprawlyness . No arguments every day. No "I have it worse because xyz"...

Weekends to myself when the boys are with their dad.

@Straycatstrut haha you make it sound amazing 😉

That is not good parenting OP. Posters on MN tell of their childhoods spent with unhappy, arguing parents. If you split, you are both free to find more suitable partners or stay celibate, whatever you feel like.

You share children anyway as you are both parents. I doubt he'd want more than EOW anyway, as you do most of the gruntwork with them.

EOW mostly suits the RP, as a couple of days to relax, persue your own interests, go out til late, whatever childfree time activities you like. I remember spending one CF day entirely in bed simply reading and eating junk - because I could!

We don't argue. I truly don't think the children are affected by the situation we are in at the moment. If we do argue, it's when they are in bed. It takes a lot for me to argue, I just get on with things. I am generally a really positive person and the mood in our house is a good one as far as the kids are aware

OP I totally agree with what you’re saying about both the time to yourself in the evening, good sleep and pestering, and with young kids I’ve been in the same boat. However, I’ve also discovered that the longer between sex the more our relationship becomes a bit stale and we both get a bit arsy with each other. We have sex and closeness within the relationship is re-established. And once I’m actually doing the deed I’m like, oh this is quite nice actually, I should do it more.

Anyway, what worked for me in your similar position was 2 things. One, once kids are safely asleep go and have sex then after I’ve still got time to myself in the eve without feeling pestered. And 2, have a bit of morning sex as and when it’s practical eg if the kids are playing together in one of their rooms.

Husband has stopped pestering (we did have a frank chat where I told him practically the same as what you’ve said). We both feel happier, and orgasms are good for you too- release, relaxation and apparently good for the immune system.

I think you're mismatched in terms of sexual drive.

It doesn't help that he thinks he does a lot with the kids...my DH was the same. I told him he was deluded in his memory of what he thought he did.

Your DH sounds like he likes to explore sexually and push for more every time...this clearly isn't your thing.

With regards to therapy... if you were ever to consider it again, I'd recommend EFT...emotionally focussed therapy. It's mainly used in couples counselling and sometimes family counselling.
It looks at feelings, not delving in the past...it's about communicating to your partner how their actions make you feel. In most cases they are unaware of how you're feeling.

Both of you get to do this and you then understand the other person's perspective.

I 100% understand how you feel...I've been there...but I've heard the perspective of a men and women in your DHs position.

They feel unattractive, rejected...they lose confidence when they get pushed away and their spouse seems to recoil at their touch....what they dont understand is the feeling of resentment the other half feels for doing so much and being pawed at and having their arse or boobs groped...yet they expect you to be thrilled about it.

@1wokeuplikethis thanks I appreciate the input from someone who has been there