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Original poster

Can you be friends with someone you love?

120 replies

sheryl77 · 03/01/2020 16:53

Hi all, long story but I was casually dating a guy for about 8 months and we 'split' a couple of times because we cant be together (the detail isn't significant), however, we last saw each other two weeks ago. We discussed having a relationship, however, because of distance and other life circumstances we agreed to be friends.

It's very hard because the last time we met, he said he had feelings for me. I didn't respond as I didn't want to open myself up to him and felt vulnerable to share, however, I told him on the phone afterwards, I felt the same.

We agreed to 'let go' of each other, albeit we never really 'had each other' and we 'speak' every few days as opposed to most of the day as we have been doing since last April.

I've been trying to minimise contact, however, New Years Day morning, he sent me a text to wish me the best for the year ahead. I didn't respond for a few hours and he then called me so we spoke. Im trying to be really positive with him and just happy but deep down he's the guy I can never be with.

Yesterday he sent me a music mix with songs saying 'He can see the love in my eyes, is it real' and 'You are the one that slipped away'. I was touched, but cried.

Am I reading too much into things? I don't call my friends only family on New Years Day. I also wouldn't send someone a 'deep romantic soul' mix the next day. I don't know how to respond. Maybe he sent it to many people and didn't mean the sentiment? We used to share music often.

I cant block him on WhatsApp or on Facebook as I feel bad as I still want him in my life, its just frustrating. He likes my FB posts and I know he looks at my profile.

Can you be friends with someone you love? Can you spend time with someone knowing that it will probably never be?

I just don't know what to do or think. Is he just being friendly or is there more to it?

OP posts:
Original poster
sheryl77 · 03/01/2020 16:57

In addition, he's still calling me by his nicknames that only he calls me. Again, am I reading too much into this?

OP posts:
stilleatingturkey · 03/01/2020 17:10

If you really can't be with him properly then l would tell him you can't be friends and then block him. If you remain friends you risk getting hurt and also not allowing room to fall for someone else. I kidded myself that I could be friends with an ex who l was in love with and it was awful. He would call me up all excited about his new life including new girlfriend. It just ended up being really painful so l went no contact and it has helped me enormously. I think it is better to have none of someone rather than a tiny part of them. Sad but true. Your feelings will lessen if you don't ever see him again.

aroundtheworldyet · 03/01/2020 17:14

He’s a head fuck
So yes you can be friends with someone you have loved and care deeply about.
But that is not this arsehole

Original poster
sheryl77 · 03/01/2020 17:21

@stilleatingturkey - thanks for your input here. Good to hear someones opinion who has been through it. Problem is he is in my circle or friends. I would probably always see him at least once or twice a year and hear about him monthly.

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Original poster
sheryl77 · 03/01/2020 17:23

@aroundtheworldyet - It did occur to me he could be playing with my emotions. I think the best thing is to just disengage.
I always see the good in people unfortunately and don't want to believe someone could be so cruel.

OP posts:
Momniscient · 03/01/2020 17:25

aroundtheworldyet has got it. There are ways to still be in touch and friends when there's feeling flying about, but that's not it. He needs a reality check.

Original poster
sheryl77 · 03/01/2020 17:28

@momniscient - How so in terms of a reality check?

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readitandwept · 03/01/2020 17:33

He's playing with you, OP. Same way he was when you posted before. It's going nowhere and you know it.

You should rid yourself of him completely this year. Brothers friend or not.

Original poster
sheryl77 · 03/01/2020 17:36

@readitandwept - I know its going nowhere, but unfortunately, I have feelings for him. I am trying my best to let him go and he just won't let me go!

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Original poster
sheryl77 · 03/01/2020 17:37

I resolved myself to the fact it was done @readitandwept at the end of last year and then the communication from him New Years Day!

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readitandwept · 03/01/2020 17:42

I am trying my best to let him go and he just won't let me go!

No, you really aren't. Block him, it's really that easy. You're not his to be "let go".

Momniscient · 03/01/2020 17:43

@sheryl77 by reality check I mean simply - either he's with you, in which these behaviours are ok, or he's not and he needs to let go.

You can't be sharing music and talking or implying that you're in love with someone and not be with them. If it's not to be, he needs to acknowledge this and then endeavour to keep things above board and stick to more neutral ground.

Original poster
sheryl77 · 03/01/2020 17:43

@readitandwept Wrong use of words 'letting go'. No I am not his to let go but I just cannot understand how someone would be so cruel. As you rightly pointed out, its my brothers best friend.

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Original poster
sheryl77 · 03/01/2020 17:46

@momniscient - thanks for clarifying. Maybe I'm just reading too deep into things and he doesn't realise his actions, however, as others have pointed out, he's playing with my emotions. Once again and Ive allowed it and he said he has feelings for me.

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readitandwept · 03/01/2020 17:46

its my brothers best friend.

Which is completely irrelevant, but you cling to it as a reason why you have to stay in touch and a reason why you're not together.

It's neither of those things and you need to wise up. Why haven't you blocked him?

aroundtheworldyet · 03/01/2020 17:46

I think you’re going have to accept that people can be cruel. And he’s one of them.

Put it this way. Would you behave as he does to someone

Original poster
sheryl77 · 03/01/2020 17:53

@readanditwept

Not clinging to that reason, thats the reason he gives not to be together. Not that we have to be in touch.

I haven't blocked him as we are on 'good terms' and I feel heartless doing this.

OP posts:
Original poster
sheryl77 · 03/01/2020 17:54

@aroundtheworldyet - No, I wouldn't. We just want different things so I guess I am trying to not make him out to be a bad person, maybe I do need to wise up and have a reality check of the type of person he is. Clearly.

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RLEOM · 03/01/2020 17:55

Do you share the same circle of friends?

Personally, I'd block him. In order to move on, the sooner you block him out of your life, the better.

Original poster
sheryl77 · 03/01/2020 17:56

What are his motives? I presume to get me back into bed or not come off as the 'bad guy' in all this? My problem is I am too kind hearted and good a person to think so negatively about someone.

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Original poster
sheryl77 · 03/01/2020 17:57

@RLEOM - He's my brothers best friend and we both share the same circle of friends.

I always feel blocking someone signals to them that they've bothered you and that's exactly the reaction that he wants from me to know he's impacted me so much, I've had to go to those lengths.

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Original poster
sheryl77 · 03/01/2020 18:02

Also, as a friend, I just presumed maybe he calls other people to say HNY or shares music. Who knows! As I said, maybe Im just reading too deep into things.

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Apileofballyhoo · 03/01/2020 18:05

Just say to him you can't be close friends and don't want to talk about feelings you may or may not have for each other if you're not in a relationship, but you're happy to be friendly i.e. chat when meet as part of a group etc.

If he can't respect that, then he's an arsehole using you for some kind of ego boost.

amillionwishes · 03/01/2020 18:07

OP I think you know deep down that him being your brother's best friend is not even a half good enough reason to not be together. He's using it as a convenient excuse to keep you in that limbo stage, presumably as he probably gets a kick out of knowing he has you on a string.

Completely different circumstances but I was very close friends with someone, we kissed a few times and slept together. He said he wanted to stay "best friends", despite us acknowledging we had feelings for each other. I said I can't be friends with you and blocked him on everything.

3 days later he was on my doorstep telling me I was the one for him and he couldn't believe he'd almost let me go. We became a couple after that.

If he wants to be with you, he will be.

Original poster
sheryl77 · 03/01/2020 18:15

@apileofballyhoo - agree ie the reason, but we discussed other reasons as well. Distance, etc. I agree ie potentially thinking he has me on a string but I've told him in no uncertain terms now I will not be FWB and I will not be an option to him if thats what he thinks I am.

He knows how I feel, I haven't told him I love him but I said I have feelings like he did.

Ego boost...maybe...

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