Can you be friends with someone you love?

[sheryl77]

Hi all, long story but I was casually dating a guy for about 8 months and we 'split' a couple of times because we cant be together (the detail isn't significant), however, we last saw each other two weeks ago. We discussed having a relationship, however, because of distance and other life circumstances we agreed to be friends.

It's very hard because the last time we met, he said he had feelings for me. I didn't respond as I didn't want to open myself up to him and felt vulnerable to share, however, I told him on the phone afterwards, I felt the same.

We agreed to 'let go' of each other, albeit we never really 'had each other' and we 'speak' every few days as opposed to most of the day as we have been doing since last April.

I've been trying to minimise contact, however, New Years Day morning, he sent me a text to wish me the best for the year ahead. I didn't respond for a few hours and he then called me so we spoke. Im trying to be really positive with him and just happy but deep down he's the guy I can never be with.

Yesterday he sent me a music mix with songs saying 'He can see the love in my eyes, is it real' and 'You are the one that slipped away'. I was touched, but cried.

Am I reading too much into things? I don't call my friends only family on New Years Day. I also wouldn't send someone a 'deep romantic soul' mix the next day. I don't know how to respond. Maybe he sent it to many people and didn't mean the sentiment? We used to share music often.

I cant block him on WhatsApp or on Facebook as I feel bad as I still want him in my life, its just frustrating. He likes my FB posts and I know he looks at my profile.

Can you be friends with someone you love? Can you spend time with someone knowing that it will probably never be?

I just don't know what to do or think. Is he just being friendly or is there more to it?

It's like I'm reading about myself. I ALWAYS seem to bump into my man in the supermarket or at the train station. We live fairly close to each other so it's inevitable. Please don't cry you will make it out the other side.

What I've had to tell myself is that if he wanted me he would have wanted me a long time ago. Not just to get into my pants but really want me as a woman. But you learn the hard way

@taliyah - This sounds very familiar. The hot and cold behaviour. I asked this guy to meet this weekend and he didn't directly say yes as he clearly doesn't want to talk. Men avoid the talks don't they.

Agree - sick of being treated like crap and being picked up when its convenient to them. I too know I deserve so, so much better.

Hard to go cold turkey, but Ive done it now so hopefully this will help me heal. Hope it does for you and sorry to hear about your situation. It's the worst.

I've learnt that unless someone is really open with you about their feelings, not to divulge your own. Not sure if this works for you, but I won't be opening up to anyone until I know they feel the same. Just not worth the heartache unless you know for sure they are on the same page.

@aroundtheworldyet I am deeply hurt. I know no-one owes me anything in life, I think it just cuts deeper as he is my brothers friend and I trusted him to treat me well and he hasn't. Again, my brother would kill him and its kind of affected my relationship with my brother as over Christmas we were both at my parents house and he knew I wasn't feeling too good and I kept thinking yes, its because of your 'good friend' of yours thats screwed with my feelings.

LP
That was the BIG mistake I made telling him that I really liked him a few months back even when he was treating me like s**t. And I think he has used that against me knowing I like him so he can pick me up and throw me away when hes ready

@taliyah - Agree. If a man wants a woman he will be with her. None of these lame excuses. I think my situation is toxic though as he knows he shouldn't be doing it and I know I shouldn't either, but we kept falling back into the same pattern.

I've had so many mixed messages from him and he did the same so I am not completely innocent.

Im just someone who believes in people and I overlook the red flags (another lesson learnt).

Pretty sure he was sleeping with other women the last few months and of course I have 'no right to be upset' as we were just 'friends' but why continue to pursue me in the meantime. I just think its sick.

@taliyah Same.......My friend actually told him and he's used it to emotionally manipulate me I think. Sending me things he knows I like, music I like, etc....texting me all day every day so I cant forget him, etc. It's all a facade.

He told me he had feelings for me first, but I think that was just to keep sleeping with me or not be the bad guy that he once again came back just to shag me.

@taliyah Is ''your' guy seeing other women?

Good, well done, keep him blocked, everywhere. It will get easier. Hard at first, awful, as pp said you're addicted to the contact, didn't block him cos it meant you wouldn't get that excitement. Each day that goes by is better, but only if you don't have that contact. You don't need to seek him out, you aren't friends, because it hasn't worked out. Don't look him up online to be nosy, avoid any situations where you will have to see him or chat even at work. Actively move on, to get over him isn't passive, it isn't just happening to you, out of your control. Yes you can help how you feel, yes you are being dramatic, you have choices and you got yourself into this with the choices you made. He's your brother's friend, not yours. Learn from it, you clearly need more than he was giving you and it went on because you need to raise and strengthen your boundaries. Make sure it doesnt happen again.
Been there done that, I was so convinced I loved him, but it was the attention and ego boost that pleased me really. I was desperately unhappy, he strung me along. Block, cold turkey, recover. Look back and cringe at him one day I promise.

What I think I've learnt is that if a man or woman knows you are falling for them or have deep feelings for them, they will use that vulnerability against you.

As much as it pains me to have to block this person from my life yet again, I know that the way I feel about him is sooooooooo unhealthy. He doesn't want me so I have to deal with that.

Your guy doesn't want you so you have to deal with it to. Sorry to sound so harsh but it seems like that's his game!

OP
He tells me he isn't seeing anyone but who the f*knows what he's up to behind closed doors.
I'm too intelligent caring thoughtful and loving to put up with his crap.

OP the start of your thread is the story of me and dh, only it was 250 miles.
No kids, both young and no kids, but we moved heaven and earth to be together. It's what you do if you can't be apart.
There were no mobiles, well not for the masses, let alone internet.
We missed each other so much, that was 31 years ago.
If it's meant to be, you'll do anything.

Oh OP most of us have been there.
Well done on blocking him. Onwards and upwards!
Please don't let some replies stop you from posting again. Mumsnet is a place to get good advise and good support.

I know he doesn’t want me. Now. I just feel very stupid as like you @taliyah I’m too good a woman to be going though this for someone that doesn’t care. I know I have a lot going for me (more than him in fact) and as arrogant as it sounds I think he knows I’m too good for him and he does it for an ego boost.

My mum said he ex wasn’t attractive at all, I know I’m attractive, have a big heart, great job, just genuinely a nice person who cares so it’s kind of like ‘why not me’ what is wrong with ME?

He said initially he never thought I’d even consider being with someone like him or he wouldn’t be in ‘this situation’ with me and it just makes me think.

My self esteem is at an all time low and again I just feel very stupid. It’s the worst feeling in the world to know someone has played worn your emotions for the best part of a year and you’ve been too blind to see it.

That’s why I value posting on here as I get a stark reality check.

I just hope I can be strong and not unblock him again. Will be weird when I see him again but what can I do. Nothing.

I feel he’s made a complete and utter fool with me and my mum always told me kill your enemies with kindness so I guess that’s what I was doing as I didn’t want him to think I was a bitch and make things worse. Stupid right, yep.

I really wanted to tell him how I felt about the way he’s behaved and it wasn’t acceptable as otherwise he thinks I’m just a mug. Yes doesn’t matter what he thinks but I feel like a complete idiot!!

To the point where I am now being sick!

Oh OP I've been in a similar situation.

Cut all contact . If he wants to be with you - let him make that decision and be clear about it.

This is a path to pain and bullshit and humiliation.

And hey - don't feel stupid!

Be happy you are someone who knows that you want love and honesty - he is a bullshitter and that will mean he doesn't find happiness !

We have all been there - onwards and upwards and good for you for knowing what you want from life.

@watterat - problem is I’ve already been pained, fell for bullshit and been humiliated. That’s exactly the problem that’s making me feel so down.

I feel sorry for him if he’s had to manipulate me to get me into bed. Very sorry. As I said it’s sick and twisted, yes I really deserve better.

I’m not innocent as I also flirted but I wore my heart on my sleeve, he was dishonest.

OP
Take this time to go and get some sleep please take care of yourself first before him

@taliyah Good point. I doubt he stressing over me. Probably out somewhere manipulating some other poor woman.

Hope your situation gets resolved x