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Original poster

Can you be friends with someone you love?

120 replies

sheryl77 · 03/01/2020 16:53

Hi all, long story but I was casually dating a guy for about 8 months and we 'split' a couple of times because we cant be together (the detail isn't significant), however, we last saw each other two weeks ago. We discussed having a relationship, however, because of distance and other life circumstances we agreed to be friends.

It's very hard because the last time we met, he said he had feelings for me. I didn't respond as I didn't want to open myself up to him and felt vulnerable to share, however, I told him on the phone afterwards, I felt the same.

We agreed to 'let go' of each other, albeit we never really 'had each other' and we 'speak' every few days as opposed to most of the day as we have been doing since last April.

I've been trying to minimise contact, however, New Years Day morning, he sent me a text to wish me the best for the year ahead. I didn't respond for a few hours and he then called me so we spoke. Im trying to be really positive with him and just happy but deep down he's the guy I can never be with.

Yesterday he sent me a music mix with songs saying 'He can see the love in my eyes, is it real' and 'You are the one that slipped away'. I was touched, but cried.

Am I reading too much into things? I don't call my friends only family on New Years Day. I also wouldn't send someone a 'deep romantic soul' mix the next day. I don't know how to respond. Maybe he sent it to many people and didn't mean the sentiment? We used to share music often.

I cant block him on WhatsApp or on Facebook as I feel bad as I still want him in my life, its just frustrating. He likes my FB posts and I know he looks at my profile.

Can you be friends with someone you love? Can you spend time with someone knowing that it will probably never be?

I just don't know what to do or think. Is he just being friendly or is there more to it?

OP posts:
SimonJT · 03/01/2020 18:16

It depends entirely on the situation and the two people involved.

I dated my closest friend after being his friend for six years, we were going to get married and then something happened beyond our control that meant we could no longer be together.

We didn’t want to lose our friendship, we also shared the same friendship group and had done for years. We decided to spend time apart, this was easy for us as he was working away a lot and I had my little boy to settle in.

That time away was helpful, I’m not saying it was always easy, but we’re happy as friends, his Mum has become my sons Grandma as she is the closest thing I have to a parent. We’ve since been FWBs for a while, I’ve moved onto another relationship.

I love him, but as I love other very close friends.

Original poster
sheryl77 · 03/01/2020 18:16

@amillionwishes. -agree on keeping me on a string but see my comments above.

Totally agree that if he wants to be with me will, however, I do understand its also a huge risk if he and my brother has a fall out as I know 100% it would be weird for him (thats not me making excuses, I know he would).

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aroundtheworldyet · 03/01/2020 18:18

He is stringing you along
It’s obvious
The reasons why are irrelevant to you. All you need to think about is yourself in this.

Original poster
sheryl77 · 03/01/2020 18:21

@SimonJT - Thanks for your post. This is the thing, as much as we enjoy sleeping together we are also happy to be friends. But we've 'split' as FWB a couple of times and then we've slept together again. It was mutual thing so I can't say he used me.

We spoke for three months every day and hes always the one who calls me, I never call him and we were happy with friendship, but the flirting then began again.

Clearly, he doesn't want to be with me, so I guess just need to set boundaries once again and stop engaging in his texts, sharing of music etc.

I'm just going to distance myself. Problem is each time I try to ignore his texts, he calls me. Maybe I should just block him and be done with it but as I said I feel heartless doing so.

He could have good intentions but it just isn't meant to be as a couple.

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Original poster
sheryl77 · 03/01/2020 18:22

@aroundtheworldyet - for sex, obviously or a ego boost. The joke is long term I couldn't be with him if he treats me like this, of course not. I just valued his friendship. I just struggle with FWB because to me its like you are good enough to sleep with, but not relationship material.

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Original poster
sheryl77 · 03/01/2020 18:23

I think now he expects me to be sad and moping around and he will see I am out living my life enjoying myself (through social media) so for me thats the better thing to do...and ignore him if he wants to spark things u again.

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Original poster
sheryl77 · 03/01/2020 18:25

This whole thing has made me wonder why I am not good enough for him. Thats the soul destroying part.

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Neverlovedya · 03/01/2020 18:26

Sadly, I agree that being your brother's best friend should not be an issue at all. I dated my close friend's brother for 3 years and it was fine. I believe that if people want to and are meant to be together, there is always a way. If he doesn't want to fight for you, his loss. I'd tell him this and if he still doesn't want to commit, walk away for good and find someone who does.

aroundtheworldyet · 03/01/2020 18:27

That’s rubbish and you know it. He’s not good enough for you
It’s all him him him in your posts.

You need to work on your self esteem. And being anywhere around him isn’t fucking helping it at the moment.

Neverlovedya · 03/01/2020 18:27

It's really not a case of you being 'not good enough' please do not believe that, it's not true.

PicsInRed · 03/01/2020 18:40

Why can't you be together - he being shipped off to the colonies or something?

Unless you live 300 miles apart, each with small children and respective child arrangements orders...there's no real reason you can't be together, he's just a time waster. Friends? Pfffffffft. No.

Original poster
sheryl77 · 03/01/2020 18:40

@aroundtheworldyet - I was going to say this, but I didn't want to get attacked by people thinking I am wonderful. I think deep down he knows this so he gets an ego boost from me.

Yes, all about him in my posts and as you can see I always think about OTHER people and not MYSELF.

I do need to work on my self esteem. Having lots of issues at the moment and he's not helping with the mixed messaging. I have to say, I have also been doing the same to him but I never knew what his intentions were.

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Original poster
sheryl77 · 03/01/2020 18:43

@Picsinred - we live 65 miles apart and he said he's been in long distance relationships and they haven't worked before.
We both have children and have them on the same weekends so would only see each other fortnightly.
He's also planning to move due to work and doesn't know where he will be. I just think he doesn't want to be tied down, or at least with me..
I think if someone wants to be with you as one poster pointed out, they will. He doesn't want to, I have to face that, I just wish he would be honest and not give me the impression he cares, if in fact, he doesn't.

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PicsInRed · 03/01/2020 18:46

So he'll be moving further away from his kids?

Original poster
sheryl77 · 03/01/2020 18:46

@neverloyedya - I told him a couple of months ago it was his loss he didn't want to be with me. He said he realised how 'fortunate he was'. Well, if he did, he would be with me, wouldn't he.

The joke is, whist I appreciate his friendship and we are compatible between the sheets, long term, I probably wouldn't want to be with him either, but somehow I've fallen in love with him. Maybe its all an illusion of who I think he is, rather than actually who he is.

We just bounce off each other and there's a connection.

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Original poster
sheryl77 · 03/01/2020 18:48

@PicsInRed - He said he doesn't have 'any commitments' so he will see where his job takes him. I did find that strange, however, his daughter lives about 15 miles away from him. He sees her every other weekend.

I think he doesn't like the fact I have a four year old son. His daughter is about nine. As a man its different isn't it as he doesn't have main responsibility, whereas I do.

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Original poster
sheryl77 · 03/01/2020 18:49

I haven't responded to his text in over 24 hours and won't be. If someone wants to be with me, they will. No half arse non commitments. End of story.

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StVincent · 03/01/2020 18:56

I’d set yourself a target to not respond or answer the phone to him for a week. See how you feel then. Bring to mind bad things about him eg him not liking that you have a little boy. Hardly the guy for you is he! You can do better.

BrigidSt · 03/01/2020 18:59

End it. This isn't doing you any good at all. Block him, protect your own feelings and your time. He is wasting it.

BrigidSt · 03/01/2020 19:01

65 miles is nothing btw, if you were both that keen you'd be a couple by now. Stop sleeping with him, blocking someone sends a positive message about your own boundaries, not something you should agonize over. You will recover.

PicsInRed · 03/01/2020 19:05

He said he doesn't have 'any commitments' so he will see where his job takes him. I did find that strange, however, his daughter lives about 15 miles away from him. He sees her every other weekend.

His daughter is 9 and he's simultaneously using her as an excuse not to see you...and also planning to move far, far away from her as she's not his "commitment".
I mean, he's revolting, isn't he?
Why would you even contemplate a future with this child abandoning douche?
YOU dump HIM.

Original poster
sheryl77 · 03/01/2020 19:11

@PicsInRed - He didnt really use as an excuse, it's just the situ that we have our children on same weekend. I thought that was a good thing, he didn't.

I think its bad he's using my brother as an excuse. I told him my brother would prefer we're together than him dipping in and out of my life..

I cant really dump him as we are friends, remember (rolling eyes).

I think I will write a list of all the bad things and the good things. I think the bad will outweigh the good hopefully..Will keep referring to it every time I think that's its 'meant to be'.

I always wondered why he was single. Now I get it. He's 39 and if he cant commit to me who is a good person and sorry but I have a lot going for me, I know this. He just made me feel as I said I wasn't worth it.

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aroundtheworldyet · 03/01/2020 19:12

Fuck me I thought you were talking about someone who was about 22
This is even more shocking behaviour

Original poster
sheryl77 · 03/01/2020 19:12

@BrigidSt - Agree. I told him distance shouldn't be an issue. I don't think it is. He obvs wants someone who is around in a heartbeat to satisfy his needs. I can't be that woman.

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Original poster
sheryl77 · 03/01/2020 19:14

@aroundtheworldyet - Right? The thing is I haven't told anyone the half of it. If I don't respond to his texts in a few hours, he gets all like 'ooh I thought you were ignoring my texts, I have have needed you'. Yet, he can not text me for a day or two and I should be all fine. Double standards. One to add to the list.

He also said he wouldn't be happy if I starting dating anyone in our circle. Well, not up to him, is it!

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