Can you be friends with someone you love?

[sheryl77]

Hi all, long story but I was casually dating a guy for about 8 months and we 'split' a couple of times because we cant be together (the detail isn't significant), however, we last saw each other two weeks ago. We discussed having a relationship, however, because of distance and other life circumstances we agreed to be friends.

It's very hard because the last time we met, he said he had feelings for me. I didn't respond as I didn't want to open myself up to him and felt vulnerable to share, however, I told him on the phone afterwards, I felt the same.

We agreed to 'let go' of each other, albeit we never really 'had each other' and we 'speak' every few days as opposed to most of the day as we have been doing since last April.

I've been trying to minimise contact, however, New Years Day morning, he sent me a text to wish me the best for the year ahead. I didn't respond for a few hours and he then called me so we spoke. Im trying to be really positive with him and just happy but deep down he's the guy I can never be with.

Yesterday he sent me a music mix with songs saying 'He can see the love in my eyes, is it real' and 'You are the one that slipped away'. I was touched, but cried.

Am I reading too much into things? I don't call my friends only family on New Years Day. I also wouldn't send someone a 'deep romantic soul' mix the next day. I don't know how to respond. Maybe he sent it to many people and didn't mean the sentiment? We used to share music often.

I cant block him on WhatsApp or on Facebook as I feel bad as I still want him in my life, its just frustrating. He likes my FB posts and I know he looks at my profile.

Can you be friends with someone you love? Can you spend time with someone knowing that it will probably never be?

I just don't know what to do or think. Is he just being friendly or is there more to it?

@StVincent - I am presuming that maybe the reason. I think I just need to face the fact hes not into me. Despite the endless texting, phone calls, checking in at night to see how I am, etc. Attention isn't INTENTION, is it. Someone telling you they 'have feelings' could be anything. Sexual. Anything.

Of course he’s into you. He’s into what this is doing to you. Screwing with your head. Giving himself an ego boost.
He’s not into you like a normal person.
BLOCK HIM NOW

I last slept with him two weeks ago after three months, so he hasn't been getting that from me..

@aroundtheworldyet - is that how I get my power back? By blocking him? That just speaks of me saying how much he's affecting me!

I'm so sorry OP, this sounds very upsetting for you. Have you told him that actually you need space and that being friends at the moment is making it difficult for you to move on? You don't need to block him if you are clear that right now and for some time you need space.

Is this a type of narcissist behaviour? My ex husband was the same. Clearly, I attract them.

@Danni12 - Thanks for your kind words. I kind of pull myself up and then back down again when I get things like nice messages or music from him. I think telling him I need space will just give him more of an ego boost :-( I def need some space. Definitely.

I last slept with him two weeks ago after three months, so he hasn't been getting that from me..

He knows he gets it eventually though, and whether it's good or bad, that's the point really.

He asked me to tell him where we both stood a couple of weeks ago. I said I cant be his FWB. Relationship not possible so we are friends. I just find his 'friendly' behaviour out of the ordinary.

It's possible he will just stop texting me now if I don't engage.

It sounds like blurred boundaries....it's neither a relationship, a platonic friendship or a FWB. But lots of flirting by him which is leaving you confused and feeling hurt. If I was you I'd be saying either we try a relationship or we cease contact for a while to move on. It is tricky because he is your brother s best friend so blocking him will just make things awkward I think

@readitandwept - Thing is, I don't feel that way now. Last time he actually said to me 'You are such a good fxxx' (during) and it really upset me. I told him about it and he said thats not what he thinks about me but its scarred me now. I know men say things in the heat of the moment, but given the situation, it wasn't nice to hear. Don't want to put myself back in that situation again.

It doesn’t matter what he thinks if you block him. He’s blocked so it doesn’t matter.
You shouldn’t care what he thinks

@Danni12 - Agree.Totally. I will have to see him in the future and I am a client of his so we email etc at least fortnightly.
Messy situation. Thing is he said when we first stopped sleeping together we had to stop because of my brother and be friends and he was still flirting and indicating he wanted more! Then I allowed him to come back.
Space. Yes.

@aroundtheworldyet - I know........too nice a person for my own damn good that's why. I worry about what everyone thinks and not my own wellbeing.

I feel my best course of action is to let him see me living my life and not like he's affecting me. I've been going out with friends a lot the last couple of weeks and he can see that I am not sat moping around about him. Personally, I think thats how I take my power back.

Get yourself to a therapist ASAP.
You’ll just forever keep repeating these patterns with men if you don’t work out why you do it.

@aroundtheworldyet - Agree. Someone else told me the same. I was seeing someone else earlier in the year as FWB and that was the same. He's been in touch last week and I blocked him on NYE!

Counselling def going to do this year. For sure. Too many men taking advantage of my weak spots and I won't allow it anymore.

@readitandwept - I don't think I am attracted to him sexually now. I just think of what he said last time and its stuck with me. Just saying some things that I didnt like and it made me feel like shit during and after. The whole 'get on your knees', you are such a good fxxx doesn't do it for me..It just reeks of disrespect.

Sorry to be crude....:-(

Oh and I've been with someone for 17 years. Married for 10. He emotionally abused me and left me scarred. I just wanted some affection and companionship from a man (sex also of course). This guy seemed to be really into me and I just got swept away.

Sorry forgot psychically abusive as well. Thats why I left my husband last Feb and now getting treated once again like nothing.

Maybe try and message him some thing like: 'you're so sweet but I'm moving on so I'm not going to be in touch for a while. ' and let him think you've met someone else. And block him and sit on your hands.

@winterisstillcoming - Yes if he messages me again, maybe. I think with men the silent treatment works wonders, so am going to try this first :-)
As childish as it is, I indicated on FB yesterday I was out on a dinner date. Well, I was out for dinner, with a 'friend'. Maybe he will move on and stop with his nonsense.

But you’re still focusing on this guy. “Living your best life” because you’re picturing That he’ll see it on social media is sad! You don’t want to block him because you like him. If you don’t really think you CAN block him, I suggest saying something like “I don’t know why you’re sending me things like this when we’ve both been clear we can’t be together. If that’s still your view then please don’t send me anything you wouldn’t send another friend or my brother.”

@StVincent - Maybe, its just the way I see myself getting my power back that I am out living my life. That's actually something good to say, I like this. Thank you.
Yes. Im going to go silent. No social media posts. No WhatsApp status updates. No messaging. Nothing.
He doesn't need to know what I am up to or what I am doing.