Reintegrating husband

[whiskeyandice]

I'll cut it short - but don't want to drip feed. DH left me six months ago without any explanation. Made out it was my fault when I was totally blind sided and thought our relationship was great. We have small DCs too.
He behaved terribly and turned out to be OW which I suspected after he left.
Anyway, I told my family and friends about his indiscretions (nothing other than the truth) but I was genuinely in pieces over him leaving me and needed support.
Turns out he regrets the whole sorry mess and wants to come home. So after a lot of soul searching just before Xmas, lots of talking, hurtful truths and acceptance of what he's done, I decide to give it another go and he comes home. I love my husband and my family and want to know even if it all goes wrong now, I at least tried my hardest to keep my family happy.
The issue now is that none of my friends nor family like him. My DM was horrified I took him back, however she knows I'm a big girl and will support me whatever but over Xmas I could tell there is an undertone of resentment for him from the entire family.
My friends, again say that they support me but bottom line is, they all utterly despise him.
I'm lucky to have great family and friends and they truly held me together while he was gone - will there ever reach a point where everyone can be ok in each other's company again?? I'm not expecting overnight - but there's a lot of social events coming up this year, weddings, big birthdays etc and I don't want to be the one in the middle when there's a an obvious rift.
Has anyone ever been in this situation that can offer some advice? Thank you.

He needs to step back and avoid these social occasions for the near future. I don't think it would be appropriate for him to attend family events this year.

I think it's interesting that this is something you're taking on, rather than him. What is he doing to build bridges and make amends?

I have a friend in slightly similar circumstances (although they didn't actually split up and there was no OW, but they were very close to the brink) and I've had more than one frank conversation with my DF about it. She doesn't expect me to go back to normal with her husband after four years of active, opening listening and support over his (very many) faults. Humans aren't built like that.

You need to give it time, he needs to be open and apologetic with your friends, and of course your friends and family need to see that you are happy. I would certainly be judicious about what events he attends and keep your expectations realistic. Of COURSE there is going to be tension.

I don't have any advice but what a dreadful situation your husband has put you in.

He has made sure you're now on the back foot trying to make sure no-one upsets him.

I think it's interesting that this is something you're taking on, rather than him. What is he doing to build bridges and make amends?

I agree with this.

Sounds like he’s had his cake, and now he’s decided on a nice ice cream sundae and is getting to enjoy it. He needs to put the work in with friends and family and show some serious contrition.

Let him make amends, stop taking that on.

He's just slipped back into husband mode and you are taking on all the flack. Unreal

How sad OP but have you not been through enough already ?
Your family and friends obviously love and respect you, unlike him.
Stop trying to make up for his mistakes. Leave him at home if you have social events, he’s fucked the family up,

@Lostlittlesoull It wasn't an easy decision but unfortunately we still had to see a lot of each other because of the kids. Communication was almost daily.
I was in absolute pieces and when I reached the point (it took MONTHS) that I knew at some point I would survive and be ok and stopped moping I think it was a big wake up call for him that I wouldn't wait for him. He was scared to lose his safety net. And well obviously the grass wasn't greener.
I'm still not over it by any means but we begin counselling soon so hopefully that can safely air some stuff.
I can't speak for your situation but I was transparent and honest throughout, and I like to think quite calm and measured. There were many occasions when I wanted to scream and punch him in the face but I took a deep breath. I think being calm and neutral left a foundation for us to talk and work on, name calling and being bitter would have only made me angry and communication for the kids difficult.

You guys are right. I think I've had him on a pedestal for so long. I just want an easy life and for everyone to get along.
It's his mess to clear up isn't it. I just feel bad for my family and parents having to put a fake smile on when inwardly they hate him.

I wouldn't want to be anyone's safety net.

I agree with the posters who have said it's up to your husband to try and make amends. You may also have some family and friends who decide not to reintegrate with your husband. That's a perfectly valid decision for someone to make if they now think your husband is not someone they want to see because they don't approve of his morals.

This is his fault, his mess, and his responsibility, and if he isn’t thinking “how can I win the trust of my partners family?” then why the hell are you?

He’s still an arsehole, a cheat, someone who betrayed you and broke your heart and crushed you - he has to work harder than he ever has in his life to be an absolute fucking prince to you and everyone, for a loooong time.

And I don’t know him but I think the likelihood of him being up to that - being that big hearted and strong - is very very low.

I don’t think it’s healthy holding anger in the way you have OP, it will come out in the end. Perhaps have counselling yourself for yourself.

He broke your lives. They won't be fixed I'm afraid.

Your friends and family can almost certainly see that you are just his safety net and, for him, better than being on his own.

I would be pissy with him if you were my mate too.

Honestly, we had the same situation in our friendship group and we were all civil, but we will never forgive him. We couldn't forget how devastated our lovely friend was. We tolerate him for her sake but we would never be friends with him again.

In your case it may take time or it may never change. But it is up to him to try and build bridges.

Barbed I understand that. I don't expect anyone to be falling over me to be his friend. Just civil would be nice! They saw the state of me too and said that they will never trust him again which I respect and understand.

Honestly guys I do appreciate your honesty, and you're thinking everything that I already have. I'm just worried, that especially judging your instinctive reactions, that there may not be a way back from this which will create a growing divide. Is there no hope?

I just feel bad for my family and parents having to put a fake smile on when inwardly they hate him.

Then don’t put them through it.

The sentiment has irrevocably changed now.

Your family and friends are just waiting to pick up the pieces again in 6, 12, 18 months time when he goes back to OW, does it with someone else, realises the grass wasn’t greener back home and/or you are so emotionally eroded by the betrayal and it dawns in you that you are still haunted and wounded by it and living a half life.

He needs to keep a low profile until he has earned his stripes again.

I have been through something v similar and 5 years later socially and with family things are not back to where they were at all. As a couple we have been excluded from some social things and I know my friends and family have lost trust and respect. They tolerate him but not sure it goes any deeper than that.

I agree it’s his job to re build the bridges he burnt - not yours.

What is his reconciliation / rebuilding plan for your RS?

I am concerned that he only came back once he saw you emotionally shift.

Why would you expect anyone to be civil to a man who caused so much distress to you? You may be able to put on a happy face and pretend your choice to take him back has been positive when in truth it sounds like a struggle. You can't expect your friends and family to do the same. Sadly you may find some of your friends back off and see you without him and not at your home. I know for me I certainly wouldn't be putting on a civil tone to a scum bag who did that to my friend. I wouldn't be happy with her either for taking him back but that's another issue .....

Gutterton - in your situation, do you feel like friends and family lost respect for YOU also, not just him? I feel like people are just waiting for it to go wrong so they can say I Told You So.
He has been painfully honest and a lot of previous issues have been aired and we've both worked on changes that need to happen. I am still incredibly hurt and although I love him with everything I have I'm a little numb right now. I'm hoping that counselling helps and allows us to finally put the awful things to bed so we can move forward.
I don't expect people to be overjoyed but I do believe that we can fix our marriage and be good again. Half of me feels stupid for telling people what he did.

Do you mean when he had been ‘painfully honest’ that he has apportioned some of the blame to you?

Because to be clear, whatever the problems in your marriage (and with two small children, things are going to be different and more difficult in terms of time and domestic chores etc than they were before, so don’t let him land this on you), it was him who decided to resolve them by going elsewhere and leaving you with two small children. And then, when it looked like you might be back on your feet and able to manage without him, talking you around and making it your joint responsibility, or even your responsibility to fix.

It’s not for your family and friends to pretend the last year hasn’t happened.
The easy life you yearn for isn’t there anymore he took it away when he decided to cheat and leave you. Why should the people who have supported you have to pretend otherwise?
I think he needs to take a step back and prove he really does have regrets and is trying to make amends. It won’t be easy but it’s him who is at fault here not you.
Don’t let him play the victim

It's not for you to worry about, he should be the one making the effort to fix relations. They're likely never going to see him as anything more than shit on their shoe.

Plus I do not think you should feel stupid for seeking support, you were left with two children - and why would you protect him?!

I actually think it is a positive thing that your friends and family are unable to welcome him back with open arms. It means he has to face up to what a shit he has been and whilst his wife wants to try again, it doesn't mean that he hasn't behaved appallingly and is despised by others.

Perhaps it is right that he misses out on some events for the time being?

How is he handling it? Is he remorseful and understanding of why your friends and family are not warm?

Best of luck with the counselling .

It doesn’t really matter what others think of you or him. You can’t control that. No I do not regret sharing my grief with my friends and family and I am eternally grateful for their support.

But HE has a v tough and fraught path ahead: The re-build is 100% HIS responsibility.

This book by a marriage counsellor of 30 years lists out the 17 behaviours he has to demonstrate and sustain towards you to even have half a chance of seeing this through. Read it. Get him to read it. Keep score and then you will know over time (years) where you are heading.

Sometimes it’s much harder to stay.

www.scribd.com/doc/65498163/How-to-Help-11-06-10-Final-PDF