Reintegrating husband

[whiskeyandice]

I'll cut it short - but don't want to drip feed. DH left me six months ago without any explanation. Made out it was my fault when I was totally blind sided and thought our relationship was great. We have small DCs too.
He behaved terribly and turned out to be OW which I suspected after he left.
Anyway, I told my family and friends about his indiscretions (nothing other than the truth) but I was genuinely in pieces over him leaving me and needed support.
Turns out he regrets the whole sorry mess and wants to come home. So after a lot of soul searching just before Xmas, lots of talking, hurtful truths and acceptance of what he's done, I decide to give it another go and he comes home. I love my husband and my family and want to know even if it all goes wrong now, I at least tried my hardest to keep my family happy.
The issue now is that none of my friends nor family like him. My DM was horrified I took him back, however she knows I'm a big girl and will support me whatever but over Xmas I could tell there is an undertone of resentment for him from the entire family.
My friends, again say that they support me but bottom line is, they all utterly despise him.
I'm lucky to have great family and friends and they truly held me together while he was gone - will there ever reach a point where everyone can be ok in each other's company again?? I'm not expecting overnight - but there's a lot of social events coming up this year, weddings, big birthdays etc and I don't want to be the one in the middle when there's a an obvious rift.
Has anyone ever been in this situation that can offer some advice? Thank you.

My friend had a similar story, many years ago. I still hate him for what he did, and he's still the selfish knob that he was many years ago. I tolerate him, in small doses, for friend. If she has chosen to forgive him, that's her choice. Some things she has said implies she hasn't though.

A close friend told me her husband cheated on her and ever since then I can't see past it. They reunited but I can't get the memory of how nasty he was to my friend out of my head. I behave nicely to him but secretly I will always dislike him.

Cheating on someone particularly when they have small kids is a really cruel and selfish thing to do so it's not surprising your friends and family struggle with it.
I suspect they always will.

I think you just need to give your family lots more time. You've got back with him very quickly. I'd have thought it would be better to take things slowly. Perhaps your family and friends think the same??
The problem with telling people is that they will never forget but I still think it is good that you did. Why should you go without the support you needed.

Would your family actually start a shouting match with him at a wedding? If not, then let it go. They don't have to like him or speak to him.

And once again a woman takes on the emotional burden because a man fucks up.

Is being a man's safety net all you're worth?

He is definitely making the effort and being very transparent. I can see the shift in his behaviour and he very clearly understands that this is HIS doing.
Things are not perfect and I'm still very hurt but I really want a good future for us and our children.
I was just hopeful that with time, if I can forgive him and move on then maybe others could when they see that I'm happy.
I don't feel like a safety net I feel like I'm in quite a strong position now, as I know that I would be ok if he left, and that despite loving the very bones of him, I would cope.
I feel the general consensus though, is that this maybe won't work? And despite his actions I will have to deal with the family divide it creates.

Did you and he expect no consequences for his actions ?

Your family and friends don't trust this deceitful piece of shit and for good reason.

Don't let him isolate you from your support by avoiding the family occasions that make diddums feel bad. He will just have to suck it up.

And be honest here...you don't feel bad for your family, you feel bad for him for having to face people's scorn. Knock him off that pedestal you have him on...he's a loser just like every other cliche who thought the grass was greener.

He has to start again, from the very beginning, and earn their (and your) trust.

He needs to whole heartedly engage in the counselling over a prolonged period of time.

You treat him as a brand new boyfriend for family gatherings.

You wouldn't take a boyfriend of three weeks to your mum's for Christmas, so he doesn't get to go either.

No family weddings or events for him this year, he respects that he has destroyed your marriage and starting over means just that

Agree with the other posters, this is his mess to fix. He broke it, he was selfish, he did the unthinkable by cheating on you and leaving you and his children, then after causing all that hurt he decided he didn't like OW better after all and then steps back in and it's you who has to carry all the stress and worry of making everything OK for him, so he doesn't have to suffer the consequences of his actions? Haven't you suffered enough because of him?

Build up your own relationships with your family and friends independently of him. Let him sort himself out.

It may be that with time and counselling you realise you don't feel the same way about him and that you can do it on your own. You need all your relationships around you to be untainted by him so that they are there to support YOU, if and when you need them.

I feel like I'm in quite a strong position now, as I know that I would be ok if he left, and that despite loving the very bones of him, I would cope.

That’s not a strong enough position love, - you need to be in a much stronger position that that - you need to feel strong enough that you are giving him a chance and if he doesn’t shape up to repay the horror he put your DCs and you through - YOU are strong enough to leave him and are confident that you will thrive.

I feel like I am in a strong position

Oh, the lies we tell ourselves

I am concerned that you keep referring to how much you love him when he has treated you so appallingly. If someone treated me like that then at least some of the the love I had for them would die. If he really loved you then there is no way he could have cheated on you let alone left you for the OW! Your family and friends know this too and that’s why they know you are better off without him. I went through this and only told my sister and a few close friends, he didn’t actually leave but he did have an affair. I took him back for the same reasons as you and despise all of his willingness to accept what he had done wrong etc he was back up to his old tricks again a year later. I wasted another 4 years of my life putting up with him and being miserable. You deserve better! Your kids will be fine without him too.

Don't you think it's interesting that he decided he had made a mistake once he saw you moving on and being ok without him?
You think you could cope if he did it again because you coped before but it would hurt even more a second time.

Why are you ok with being a safety net. Do you realise how low you set your value to yourself and to him?

Why isn't he going out of his way to apologize to your family who have been there. The thing is op, now that people have seen the ugly side of him it's very hard to forget that.

He left you for another woman, you werent good enough for him. How can you be ok with that?

Manipulative, parasitic fuck that he is. 🤨

This is the consequences of his own, intentional actions. If he won't take the initiative to try to make amends to you and your friends and family, what's even the point of this?

He's really not the least contrite and remorseful if it's you, his victim, running around trying to make everything ok. For HIM. 🤨

That is (as always) a very good point from @AnyFucker which bears repeating: objectively, of course this situation is hard for him. You must NOT let him isolate you from your family and friends as a consequence.

A man who really wants to make amends will be saying: I understand it's a bit awkward to go to x event, you go on your own and I'll mind the kids, I'll come and pick you up and pop in and say hi for a bit towards the end.

A man who does not want to make amends will be saying: wah, wah, wah, it's too hard, your friends hate me, you shouldn't be hanging out with them, it would be easier if we just didn't go to x event altogether because they don't like me and will never like me, how can you go to your mum's knowing they all hate me...

I know you have already reconciled but I really think you should have had counselling before he moved back in or your children became aware of the possibility. Splitting up again will be far harder for the children than the original break up.

Thing is it’s not surprising that they despise him. He turned your world upside down so of course they aren’t going to be rushing in with open arms. They’ve also probably spent a lot of time and effort supporting you and helping you move on so they could well see it as you throwing it back in their faces and wondering why they bothered as well as being equally concerned that he’ll do it again. I don’t think it’s a case of ‘I told you so’, more of not wanting to see you get hurt again.

Same thing happened with a friend of mine, I think she regretted telling people once they had got back together, for different reasons though. People hid it well but I think she felt humiliated by her decision to stay once everyone knew what he had done. They have distanced themselves and never really see people.
I think the most worrying thing is that you thought you had such a great marriage before. So even when things were good he still cheated and actually left too, not many get that far. Can you imagine what is going to happen when you go through a dull, rough patch like everyone does.
I think people can overcome infidelity but I would be completely stunned if he doesn't cheat again, sooner rather than later.

You should do some therapy on your own.

You need to process that rage - it is visceral and natural. Get your hurt and anger out in a safe place.

V unhelpful to bottle it all up / deny its existence.

I do feel humiliated that this happened to me. I didn't deserve it and think that people will think less of me for trying again. Although I also don't give up (like he did) and I've addressed a LOT with him.
He knows that if there's a whiff of anything else then I'm done for good as I can't go through that again. He's fully accepted responsibility for his actions.
I'm not prepared to isolate myself, my friends and family have been incredible through this for me and I'm not letting that go. I don't want them to think poorly of me for letting him back.
I just really hoped that someone had a positive story to share. I don't want two separate families.

You're looking for reassurance it won't happen again. There is none. You let him straight back in so no consequences for him.

A very similar situation happened years ago to my best friend. She was devastated, came to stay with me, cried through the nights, said she was going to leave. In the end she stayed with him.

Absolutely her choice obviously. They have a lovely child and he's a great father BUT I love my friend and will never forget how he treated her. In the back of her mind I know that if he's late home (it was a workplace affair), she wonders "what if?". So I am happy to be civil to him, but I don't like him because he's irrevocably changed her trusting nature.

Maybe time will help, and as long as you stay close to friends and family and keep him separate when appropriate, and they see that he's prepared to go to any lengths to make amends, maybe you can eventually reintegrate.

He's fully accepted responsibility for his actions.

They are just words.

Read the PDF I posted - that has the 17 behaviours and actions HE must sustain for years to even have half a chance of getting through this. That’s the evidence based reality.

My story is “positive” - our marriage is better now after a lot of work (both still in individual therapy 5 years later) - but it never needed to fail so spectacularly in the first place.

Really what outsiders think - friends and family - right now is sooooooo irrelevant - HE has so much work and focus to do inside your marriage now for years.

If you want a “positive” outcome - look inside first - don’t be worried what others think and don’t concern yourself with reintegration. He should keep a respectable distance for now.

I would imagine you are “cock-a-hoop” in the hysterical bonding phase as you have “won”’him back. Be careful. That doesn’t last.

There isn't a way back.

If some did that to my sisters I'd never be civil to them or give them the time of day.

He's a liar and a cheat and you're a doormat for taking him back.

@whiskeyandice you're looking for positive stories, but embedded in that is the assumption that somehow, the consequences of his actions can be magicked away.

You do understand that the more you smooth his path, the more you're literally removing the consequences of his actions from his life?

And as you remove those consequences, you're likely ensuring that he cheats again?

I mean. He did it once, brutally, and you've simply taken him back now? Do you not see thats a green light? Hes got his arse in the butter now. All he needs to do is ensure you estranged yourself from family so that you have no support when he leaves you again. And he can keep bouncing from adoring mistress to relieved wife and children, ego boosts for England.

He doesn't even need to estrange you himself, he can rely on you to do that all on your own.

I hope you wake up op. You keep going on about having a happy family... you were on the way to a happy life, that's what spooked him, that's what brought him back. He doesn't want you to be happy and strong- he wants you boosting his ego. I'm so sad for you that you're pathetically grateful for the return of someone who treated you and your children so badly!