Reintegrating husband

[whiskeyandice]

I'll cut it short - but don't want to drip feed. DH left me six months ago without any explanation. Made out it was my fault when I was totally blind sided and thought our relationship was great. We have small DCs too.
He behaved terribly and turned out to be OW which I suspected after he left.
Anyway, I told my family and friends about his indiscretions (nothing other than the truth) but I was genuinely in pieces over him leaving me and needed support.
Turns out he regrets the whole sorry mess and wants to come home. So after a lot of soul searching just before Xmas, lots of talking, hurtful truths and acceptance of what he's done, I decide to give it another go and he comes home. I love my husband and my family and want to know even if it all goes wrong now, I at least tried my hardest to keep my family happy.
The issue now is that none of my friends nor family like him. My DM was horrified I took him back, however she knows I'm a big girl and will support me whatever but over Xmas I could tell there is an undertone of resentment for him from the entire family.
My friends, again say that they support me but bottom line is, they all utterly despise him.
I'm lucky to have great family and friends and they truly held me together while he was gone - will there ever reach a point where everyone can be ok in each other's company again?? I'm not expecting overnight - but there's a lot of social events coming up this year, weddings, big birthdays etc and I don't want to be the one in the middle when there's a an obvious rift.
Has anyone ever been in this situation that can offer some advice? Thank you.

So what does he think about the situation with your friends and family and what is his plan for contact with them? Is he planning on talking to them and apologizing for his behaviour?

I just wanted some insight from people that have been there, that my family won't be made to feel so awkward in the (distant) future when it comes to social events

I'm really confused now, because the only people making your family feel awkward would be you and your H - who else is making or is likely to make them feel awkward?

I'm not going to have a go at you for taking him back like plenty of others have. I do think that it might have been better to wait until you'd had counselling for him to move back in though.

Living apart would have given you both the space and time to deal with counselling which will be painful.

As for your friends and family, it's just going to take time. I've never been in this position with a friend but an acquaintance had an affair and a year later they reunited with their partner and people found it very hard but they did get used to it eventually.

I disagree that he should keep away from social events because if they don't see him, it'll be harder to build that relationship again. Don't shove him in their faces either though.

He is just going to have to prove himself, take any flack that he might get.

The only way he's going to earn their trust and respect is by being a good husband to you.

OP, if anything happens again in the future please don't hold back from confiding in friends or family because you're embarrassed about taking him back.

Yes there might be some feelings of 'I told you so' but they would hopefully keep that to themselves and support you.

The issue now is that none of my friends nor family like him. My DM was horrified I took him

This tells you everything.

And it's you trying to work him back in, it should be for him to worry about and not you.

You seem to want to please everyone but yourself, him by letting him come back, the kids by keeping you all together, where are you in this, taking back this man that your family now hate because of the way he treated you.

From reading only few of your posts I think you put yourself last in all this, hence you worrying about needing support, when clearly you would need support.

If your friends and family are anything like me, they won't ever come around again. Once someone has shown you who they are, believe them. Once I know someone is capable of treating someone I love like a piece of shit, I find I have very little time for them. He appears to be an awful person to you, even made out that it was your fault he left, but he was really with someone else.

If I were you I would be listening to them more than him, there's a real reason why they hate him.

OP what do you actually want. It seems all this friends and family stuff is a smokescreen because the heart of it seems that you believe they think less of you because you have taken him back because I suspect you feel less of yourself.

I think you need some individual counselling to probably figure out what YOU want and what makes YOU happy. No one else

my husband left 5 weeks ago said he didn’t love me, thought he loved ow who he had only kissed week before. We did have issues in relationship, communication, depression etc. A week ago he said he did love me, wanted me back etc etc then changed his mind and said he was just confused at the time he wanted me back. Yet last week he is kidding me, telling me how much he missed me, loved me, how sexy I am, how much better we get on etc so I just don’t understand what changed? He’s still coming round to see kids and we get on like a house on fire!
When did yours realise he did want you?

@Lostlittlesoull this man is trying to have his cake and eat it, he doesn't want you back, he wants to get off on playing you around.
How can you be getting on like a house on fire with a man who says he is in love with another woman, then says it's you, then it's not again?

Step away from him and into yourself and work on yourself and self esteem.

and he has booked a private counsellor for us to begin next week.

You shouldn't go with him.

First you need to go on your own. He's manipulated you, he placed the blame on you when he left, allowing you to feel it was your fault when he was with someone else.

A manipulative cheat will use these joint sessions to manipulate you again, and possibly the therapist to being on his side.

You seem to put yourself so far down the list, how the family feel, how awkward it is for them, for him, make sure the kids have one family, not two, you seem like a people pleaser, and it will be helpful for you to just go to therapy on your own and work through it yourself first.

Like alot of pp this is the fallout your H needs to deal with after his actions towards you and his children.
He cannot expect them to be friendly or tbh even civil considering he wasn't civil towards you when he walked out on you the marriage and the life you had built with DC. Nothing civil about his actions.
But this is all his problem to fix you cannot smooth it over with your family for him.
He has effectively ripped up the past family life you had both created together he isn't the same man your friends and family once knew.

Yup. That happened to me. I stupidly agreed to go to relate counselling with my abusive ex-husband after we'd separated. He managed to get the counsellor on his side and together they rounded on me and made me out to be the bad guy. This was a man who had emotionally and physically abused me - I had every reason to walk away! Be very wary. Narcissists can do this to you and it's the last thing you need when you're already traumatized and vulnerable. You would be better off seeing a counsellor on your own. And I would steer clear of relate - they have their own agenda. You would be better off phoning women's aid.

Have you asked him how he plans to make amends with family and friends? He needs to be the one working on this.

My experience of Relate was positive; the counsellor picked him up on stuff and me as well. whoever you go to, make sure they have plenty of experience in working with couples, not just any old counsellor who happens to be nearby and free on the correct evening. And if you don't feel comfortable with the first counsellor, find another.

Has he apologized to your family and friends for putting you and them such emotional pain. A frank and full apology in person might be a good start. I guess time will show if he has changed.

My DH made a similar apology to my family 5 years ago, my parents come round for lunch every Sunday and it's all pretty good and we have a good social life.

But it's not a popular state of affairs on Mumsnet.