Reintegrating husband

[whiskeyandice]

I'll cut it short - but don't want to drip feed. DH left me six months ago without any explanation. Made out it was my fault when I was totally blind sided and thought our relationship was great. We have small DCs too.
He behaved terribly and turned out to be OW which I suspected after he left.
Anyway, I told my family and friends about his indiscretions (nothing other than the truth) but I was genuinely in pieces over him leaving me and needed support.
Turns out he regrets the whole sorry mess and wants to come home. So after a lot of soul searching just before Xmas, lots of talking, hurtful truths and acceptance of what he's done, I decide to give it another go and he comes home. I love my husband and my family and want to know even if it all goes wrong now, I at least tried my hardest to keep my family happy.
The issue now is that none of my friends nor family like him. My DM was horrified I took him back, however she knows I'm a big girl and will support me whatever but over Xmas I could tell there is an undertone of resentment for him from the entire family.
My friends, again say that they support me but bottom line is, they all utterly despise him.
I'm lucky to have great family and friends and they truly held me together while he was gone - will there ever reach a point where everyone can be ok in each other's company again?? I'm not expecting overnight - but there's a lot of social events coming up this year, weddings, big birthdays etc and I don't want to be the one in the middle when there's a an obvious rift.
Has anyone ever been in this situation that can offer some advice? Thank you.

OP, you sound like a lovely woman.

You have children.
Imagine one of your children has a really close friend and this friend treats your child really badly over a considerable amount of time. Hurts your child terribly and causes loads of tears.
After they haven't been friends for a while your child suddenly wants playdates and for this child to be it's best buddy again visiting your home as if all the upset of months never happened?

How would you feel?

Well what your husband has done is much, much worse and your parents and friends must find it difficult to even look at him.

Him coming back to you as his "safety net" sounds like you are his back up plan.

You deserve better than this.

There is great advice above.

Not your job to fix this.

Keep him the hell away from family events and celebrations.
Your lovely family do not deserve the annoyance of his twatty face spoiling happy occasions.

He has behaved appallingly to someone your family and friends love.
They are entitled to feel disgust that he is getting to stick his feet under the table again.

He needs to fix this and perhaps if he apologizes and proves that he is not the twatty sleezebag they all think he is, maybe in time the won't despise him so much.

Your family and friends are entitled to feel what they feel.

Wishing you well OP. You sound so kind, perhaps too kind.

💐

I was harsh because you're not looking to hear honest opinions you're wanting reassurances you made the right decision-your family and friends love you and want the best for you

I can totally understand why you would want to take him back and make like it never happened but the truth is you are his back up plan and when he meets a woman he really wants to be with he will walk away from you again without a backwards glance your friends and family know this they don't want to say this to you because they don't want to hurt you anymore than you've already been hurt but they are not willing to share in his gaslighting and your delusion and that's what's making everyone feel so uncomfortable. Please try to face reality and wake up to what's really going on here and start to make plans to get you and your kids away from this man in the new year.

EKGEMS no honest is fine. Just brutal isn't really necessary.

Billy - thank you. I read your post twice and it really hit a nerve with me. Think I needed to hear that.

Mine left me for another woman and was back after 6 weeks, realising the grass wasn't greener and all that and everything was perfect, sex was amazing etc. In hindsight I let him back too easily and was adamant that if he left again, it wouldn't affect me as much. Low and behold he left again and, trust me OP, it wasn't easier the second time around, it was even more devestating. Just be careful

What would worry me is that while they're thinking 'it's only a matter of time before he fucks up again', this gives you something to prove.

Taking him back raises the stakes. You know this. You've cried wolf once and you absolutely can't do it again. If you had suspicions he was up to his old tricks again, could you be honest with them, and indeed with yourself?

Uneven I'm so sorry you had to go through that.

PP you're right - it literally is this or nothing I couldn't bounce back and forth like this again it was too painful. I let him back, people may think I'm stupid, but he's the future I planned and I'm not ready to give up at the first (albeit gigantic and soul destroying) hurdle.

He gave up not you.

Watch HIS actions and humility to take 100% responsibility to go over and beyond to repair.

But listen to your gut once the false joy of “hysterical bonding” wears off (google this term) - you might not feel it anymore, your hurt will be exposed and deep. Don’t suppress that - work with it process it. That’s your only chance of healing and recovering as a human being and living an honest authentic emotional life for your DC whatever happens to your marriage.

Don’t turn yourself inside out for any man - when you do this you remove yourself emotionally from your DCs as when you are preoccupied and hyper vigilant around him you are not focused on the emotional needs of your DCs. And they need your support more than him and more than ever right now.

It’s very rare that it ever works long term in these situations because he’s shown what his respect level is for you. He had the capacity to cheat and leave you devastated in the past and there’s no way to change that. I can honestly not understand how someone could ever be happy with a man who did this to them once. I refuse to ever ever be someone’s second choice - even for a minute. There’s so many millions of men in the world, it’s possible to be happy with lots of decent, trustworthy men who will be your equal rather than living with this awful history sitting on you.

Additionally, He chose to hurt and devastate your children because he followed his dick. I would never risk their happiness by putting them through that again.

I’d feel really sorry for a family member that took someone back after this. I’d also never look at him the same way although I’d be as polite as I had to be to get through a social situation. I wouldn’t be wanting him around on special days out or holidays though so it would lead to my relationship falling away a little in closeness.

When he did it again though I’d be there 100% to help and support though. I would always be there in a time of need.

Keep him the hell away from family events and celebrations.
Your lovely family do not deserve the annoyance of his twatty face spoiling happy occasions.

If you value the support given to you from friends and family - ask him to respect their need for distance at this time.

As a parent I would be mortified to see him anywhere let alone an event and I would struggle to stay civil no matter how hard I tried. He has hurt the person I love an cherish and there is no way back. Just my thought if either of our DCs partners did this to them. Good luck as I appreciate you have your DCs to think about as well.

Please don't inflict this man on your loved ones. They don't deserve it. They shouldn't have to see him until they are good and ready to. I would be telling him he is not to attend social events until specifically invited.

I'm also another one who thinks there have been no real consequence for him. He tore apart your family, and you allowed him to move back in after 6 months. What's changed for him really?

Your DH was having the time of his life having an illicit affair unknown the you. He would have had a ball with the drama, romance, secrecy and sex. It would have been an absolutely thrilling time for him.

He did all of this whilst knowing it would deeply wound, betray and hurt his DCs and wife.

Then he was either caught - or decided that he wanted more of the OW and jumped abandoning you all.

These additional 6 months with the OW would also have been fabulous - all the freedom of new love / relationship - now totally unrestricted sex 24/7 if he wanted it.

He was having so much fun all of this time.
Then he saw you shifting emotionally (was this in fact financially? Did you start negotiating settlement etc) and then he caught himself on and thought I have a lot to lose - so came back to open arms.

So he has not suffered at all in the months / years that he has been having this affair - in fact he has had a massive ego boost and the time of his life. However for you and your DCs that time was devastating and traumatic.

So when you are attempting the rebuild - remember where you are both starting from emotionally and who has the most money in the self esteem bank to draw on in the coming months and years.

It’s not you.

He has not suffered pain.

He is not wounded.

He has to do 100% of the heavy emotional lifting in an attempt to heal you because he wounded you.

He's really done a number on you hasn't he. As others have said, look after you and your children first, that's your priority. The rest will eventually fall into place. Personally, I would not have let him moved back in so fast, if ever. Maybe a way forward for you could be asking him to move out until such time if ever he has proved to you you are his priority and not just his convenience

@Gutterton
Great wisdom in these posts OP.

I imagine these are very raw and painful to read.

The truth is that your children have been so betrayed and cheated on by your husband, as well as you.

Surely there should be consequences for this.

Protect yourself and them, because YOU KNOW that family does not come first with him.

Wishing you so well

Why would you honestly want him back?

Has he worked towards forgiveness? Has he shown utter remorse? Has he dealt with why he stepped out of your marriage? Is he ‘dating’ you again? Does he do everything he can to be the man you thought he was?

Has he offered ( lack of a better term) to let you vent to your hearts content? Ask as many questions as you like? Given you space or is willing to slowly work on gaining trust? Been totally upfont and honest about EVERYTHING?

Or is it eff it! I made a mistake sorry .. take me back! Let’s sweep it all under the carpet and not deal with why I was an utter freaking A’hole for breaking your heart and trust and letting you and everyone we hold dear down so I could feel like a bachelor and live my life as a single carefree ‘man’ ??

@whiskeyandice

My heart breaks every time you talk about "not giving up".

You do know that the only chance you have is to actually completely give up. And let him fix it. Without your help... without you thinking of things he should do...

Hes meant to be leading this effort...

The decision for him to come back wasn't a whim. There was a month of begging pleading conversations heart to hearts.
I've said he needs to figure it out on his own what he thinks needs to happen to make this "right" again and he's taken a new role at work, deleted apps, given me full transparency, planned dates, made promises and kept them. I know this is all early days and I'm still very hurt. I can talk whenever I want, and he has booked a private counsellor for us to begin next week.

I genuinely have not just said, ok babes come back like nothing has happened.

I have made it clear I am maintaining my full freedom and friends/family will not go on the back burner. I think it surprised him that throughout the time he was gone I didn't so much look at another man.

He did do a number on me yes, I wouldn't wish how I felt on my worst enemy. However, I have 100% clarity on what I want from my marriage and this is the single only chance he will get to prove himself, and even then I haven't made an guarantees I can move past it.

If I can move past this, I just wanted some insight from people that have been there, that my family won't be made to feel so awkward in the (distant) future when it comes to social events.

They should feel awkward.
You should feel awkward.

HE should be working to make all of you less awkward. YOU should be assessing his success from an awkward distance...

Sounds like you are prepared for the emotional rollercoaster. It is a long tough ride. There will be days where sheer rage will come out of nowhere - the rebuilding is is in stages that ricochet back and forth and eventually to the end of grieving for what should have happened, your old family and your old marriage - shock, denial, anger, depression and acceptance - the new marriage is very different. Mine is better because my DH did a lot of emotional growth work. But it was v traumatic and emotionally exhausting. I am happy now that we are together but I know that this wasn’t the easiest option.

Please read the link I posted up front. It really helped me understand what HE needed to be doing. It was written by a marriage counsellor with 30 years experience, who had seen hundreds of couples and is v clear which behaviours are necessary to give the best chance of seeing it through. Success rates are v low.

This is an important time for you as a couple to regroup and rebuild (him doing all the work) - it’s a private and v difficult time. Emotionally exhausting - so focus on that - don’t worry about the outside world too much. Expect loads from him and don’t give too much to him.

Don’t feel shame for what he did or for taking him back. Shame is an emotion focused on the outside world - so not relevant to you here. We talk about our marriage collapse, separation and re-build openly now and our friends and family respect our honesty and wisdom.

Of course we don't know the two of you but I think the problem is from what you're saying to us this doesn't seem to be a man who's experiencing much in the way of genuine remorse? It's more about what do you need me to do and I'll do it which is transactional - a sort of 'game' that the two of you are playing? And you seem to be more about enabling him and smoothing his path rather than focusing on you and your needs?

He has a long road of months and years ahead to restore some trust and respect, there's no fast track here.

What are the marital finances like OP? Is there any chance he came home because he had nowhere to go?

Good luck.

My friends husband cheated on her 20 years ago. She took him back.

I love her and will always support her. However, I will never forgive him for what he did to her. I don’t even want to try.

I have been in the same room as his once since at a mutual friend’s birthday party. The mutual friend is the only one of a group of us who chooses to socialise with him.

I didn’t invite him to my wedding but my friend came. She has no issue with my feelings towards him and respects my choice a just as I respect hers.

100% agree with rvby and stillsexy.

Do not make it easy and smooth for him.

It’s the friction, bumps, obstacles and hard work that he needs to do that will give traction / depth to the marriage.

He needs some skin in the game.

Otherwise it is just superficial, papering over cracks and is fragile.

Let him reflect, change and grow emotionally. 100% you watching from an awkward distance - keep score with the list from the link.