Reintegrating husband

[whiskeyandice]

I'll cut it short - but don't want to drip feed. DH left me six months ago without any explanation. Made out it was my fault when I was totally blind sided and thought our relationship was great. We have small DCs too.
He behaved terribly and turned out to be OW which I suspected after he left.
Anyway, I told my family and friends about his indiscretions (nothing other than the truth) but I was genuinely in pieces over him leaving me and needed support.
Turns out he regrets the whole sorry mess and wants to come home. So after a lot of soul searching just before Xmas, lots of talking, hurtful truths and acceptance of what he's done, I decide to give it another go and he comes home. I love my husband and my family and want to know even if it all goes wrong now, I at least tried my hardest to keep my family happy.
The issue now is that none of my friends nor family like him. My DM was horrified I took him back, however she knows I'm a big girl and will support me whatever but over Xmas I could tell there is an undertone of resentment for him from the entire family.
My friends, again say that they support me but bottom line is, they all utterly despise him.
I'm lucky to have great family and friends and they truly held me together while he was gone - will there ever reach a point where everyone can be ok in each other's company again?? I'm not expecting overnight - but there's a lot of social events coming up this year, weddings, big birthdays etc and I don't want to be the one in the middle when there's a an obvious rift.
Has anyone ever been in this situation that can offer some advice? Thank you.

You have done what you believe is best and I really admire that. So many throw in the towel at the first problem. He is remorseful and is trying and only you can make the descion whether you wish to try again. I really hope it all works out for you. We all make mistakes in life.
One of my old friends went through a similar situation. Watching her so hurt after her husband left her for a work collègue I as well as others were left to pick up the pieces to help her rebuild her life. Her husband came back to her 8 months later. Tail between his legs and after a lot of soul searching she gave it another go. I found it incredible hard to be near him at first. I resented what he put her through. Two of her family didn’t speak to her again and her sister was really cold. I decided to speak to my friend and asked could we all have a chat. We did over a Chinese one evening. Lots of things were sad and lots of tears too but utimatly I saw he was genuine sorry. Her sister and I both are friends with them all now and they are still together ( 7 yrs). Maybe he has done all his apologies to you. But maybe he needs to also apologize and show his remorse to others who were also effected. ? He needs to build that trust up. Good luck

I think you are focusing on the wrong thing.

It is very early days in your new attempt at your marriage. Your friends and family are not the point here - how you feel is the point. I wonder if you are deflecting to your family's feelings because you aren't half as on board with this reconciliation as you think and you haven't truly expressed the anger and hurt you still feel. I mean, come on, not only did he cheat on you but when he left he told you it was all your fault. I'm not sure which bone of this man you love but I'd be hard-pressed to love even his little finger. It must be odd seeing your friends and family able to express what you are feeling while you are committed to reengaging with him and loving him.

I think you should go to individual therapy.

In the meantime, tell your friends and family you really appreciate their support. That you don't expect anything of them with regards to your husband - that this is something you need to try because you hve a family but you absolutely understand their concerns and feelings. Then let him figure out how to get them to trust him again.

The other thing to consider is that if he leaves again, don't expect the same level of support you got the first time. People often get overly invested and feel "duped" for lack of a better word if after all the devastation the guilty party is seemingly forgiven with no consequences.
I feel v v sorry for you, it really is so hard and I totally understand your want to keep your family together. I just feel the way you are going about things make the likelihood of history repeating itself v hard indeed

I was in your position 5 yrs ago. Its not down to you to make it easier for him. Its up to him to put back that loss in trust in them.

When dh came back, my brother wouldn't even acknowledge his presence for months. My dh had to apologise to everyone in my family for hurting and deserting me. They were the ones who saw me in pain.

Typing this now is making me cry. Im realising how painful it must've been for them to see me in that state and stay strong for me at the same time.

All I will say is let your dh get on with it. Dont make it easy for him. Dont make it hard either. Your family need you too. Dont forget their feelings either. Enjoy your family moments and take each step slowly with your dh. Good luck xx

Imo I don't think he should avoid any social gathering either. Let him face the music.

I'm hearing you all. I wouldn't say there was no consequence, it's not been an easy road to get to where we are now.
And yes PP there's the initial love bomb which I know will not last.
I haven't discussed my thoughts on this with him, if they want to give him the cold shoulder that's entirely his mess to deal with. I really just don't want THEM to feel uncomfortable in his presence. So maybe I should just not make it my problem.
I'm hoping to god this never happens again - but I wouldn't say that I'm ALLOWING it to?

I spoke with a couple where the H cheated. He said he realised how much he hurt her and he apologised to her parents and sisters for the pain he put their DD and sister through.

The wife said this went a long way in her forgiving him. In his words he ate humble pie and was embarrassed, but it wasn't about him.

The couple have been together 30 years since his affair now.

I reconciled with my X once, for the children and because I was scared. He reverted to the same crap husband within days and I was left isolated without any support from my family because of distance. It was a harsh lesson to learn and one that was awful for my children.

My closest friend did this, split with her husband after he cheated on her, cried into the arms of friends and family then took him back when things didn't work out with OW.

She then proceeded to drag him out to every social event (before they split he never used to attend these gatherings, but his attendance is one of the conditions of her taking him back). She's now upset that her friends and family are being cool towards him. I love my friend but I don't want anything to do with him, he's an asshole and doesn't deserve her. She also insists on bringing him every time we meet up - so I don't see her very often I love her from a distance.

You want your family and friends to be civil to a deceitful cheat? Yeah you can't have your cake and eat it too. You may want to cancel the welcome home parade for him

OP, your family and friends are not 'waiting to say I told you so'. they are waiting to pick you up when he tosses you aside again. And he will, because by posting here you have shown that he isn't telling you the things a genuinely remorseful person would - such as, 'don't worry about your friends and family - I deserve anything they say or do, and I will take it, whatever they throw at me.'

I have no time for asshole cheats. I don't think less of friends who take them back - I think less of the cheat. Because people who cheat are people who have lied and disrespected their partner numerous times.

I took back a cheat, so I know the lies we tell and the draw they have. Never again.

I've never been in your situation but I do know a man who genuinely loved you would never have left you in the first place, so do your friends and family, and in your heart of hearts I'm sure you do too

Agree with pps - you've given him the green light to treat you like shit.

your family and friends love you, they saw you devastated and upset. Of course they dislike him for putting someone they love through that. They can't just forget and move on.

And yes, they are probably waiting for it to happen again.

And yes, some of them, will think less of you for going back.

i've done it OP. My friends stuck by me, but they didn't pretend to like or trust my dp. Rightly as it happens. And they were there the next time too.

The grass wasn’t greener....so, where else had he to go?? You’ll end up not going to social occasions because no-one wants him there and he’ll make you feel bad for going.....good luck, you’re going to need it

EKGEMS bit harsh. I wasn't asking for a welcome parade. I was asking for advice from people who had been through similar and if they were at any point able to reach a decent outcome. I wasn't the one in the wrong.

Just be careful. You made a reference earlier to both of you making changes. I had a friend who was in a similar situation. She took the husband back, started 'making changes' then gradually a lot of her behaviour started to be to blame, and she stopped seeing a lot of her friends and, I believe, her family. I see very very little of her now and she has a new group of friends, who, funnily enough, weren't around at that time.

So just be careful that you stay close to your family and friends, even if they find it hard to see him. If you ask them, they'll try to make an effort.

You need to sit down and talk to him to find out what his thoughts and plans are for putting this right.
If he’s serious about coming back then he needs to put some effort into the relationship, he can’t expect to walk back in and everything be the same as before. Saying that he understands that is one thing but he needs to now put things into action and be addressing the problems his infidelity has caused.

He needs to be making sure that you feel comfortable at family events, you shouldn’t be missing out on events or feeling in uncomfortable

So what are his plans

They won’t say “I told you so”, I’m sure. They’ll support you if it happens again. They care about you and will want to help.

So .....please don’t distance yourself from them wherever you do! If they can’t be civil to him, it’s his tough luck. Don’t let him whinge about them and suggest that you see less of them, because these people are your support network and will definitely be around in five, ten, twenty years...unlike loverboy, who may not be. Look after your own interests. Good luck.

I would say that's his problem, not yours. If he moans about it tell him to suck it up, he created this shit storm so he deals with the fall out.

I don’t think it would be appropriate for him to be attending the weddings, birthdays etc of close friends and family this year. I’d be exceptionally pissed off if there was a frosty atmosphere amongst a certain portion of the guests at my wedding for this reason. He shouldn’t be attending events like this until he has healed the rift with your family and friends such that it doesn't cast a shadow over someone else's happy moment.

You (and he) have to really consider what your family have been put through. The time and emotional energy they have spent on getting you through this. The worrying they have done for you. The hurt that they have endured, not only on your behalf and that of your children, but because (presumably) they were close with him before his betrayal and they had to grieve the loss of a BIL/SIL etc. For you to now take him back will probably feel like you're throwing all their efforts back in their faces.

If he's serious about this then he needs to go and speak with your family and friends, meeting them in a location of their choosing, whether that's at your place, their place, coffee shop etc, and he needs to apologise profusely and sincerely. He needs to reassure them that he is committed this time. He needs to thank them for taking care of you whilst he was busy betraying you. He needs to be completely humble. And he needs to be completely prepared for them to say "sorry, pal. Not interested" and accept that with grace. I can't really see any other way to approach it. And there's definitely no way to guarantee that his relationships with these people can be successfully repaired.

To add to my first paragraph - you should still be going to events IMO, but without him. Firstly because to decline in order to show solidarity with him would be an insult to those who have taken care of you. Secondly because that's how the wives of unfaithful men too often end up alienated from their support network.

Yoir husband is now the proverbial equivalent of shit on your shoe, fly in your soup, thrush on date night and yes, like raaaaiiin on your wedding day

In other words, everything is just that little bit spoiled. Not something you should be making yourself swallow.

"Things are not perfect and I'm still very hurt but I really want a good future for us and our children. "

A good future for you kids doesn't have to be with him though. I would echo other posters who say that he only came back when he saw you getting stronger. If this happened to one of my family members I would never speak to the cheater again and I certainly wouldn't want him at my wedding or birthday. You might have to end up choosing.

Similar scenario with a relative of mine.

Husband cheated and she threw him out. Cried on all of our shoulders, and we agreed with her that he was a bastard and shouldn’t be given the time of day.

Then they reconciled, and he turned her against her friends and family based on the support they’d give her- he told her they were out to get him, wouldn’t give him a fair chance because of what they’d said etc.

Basically, he isolated her so that the next time he cheated, she’d have nobody to confide in.