Told partner not to contact me over Xmas. He took me at my word, now I am the loser

[radishesblad]

I’ve been seeing a man for about 18 months. We have both been married before and have children, so from the beginning our priorities have been our families. Over the last 18 months we have seen each other most days and if not we have spoken on the phone up to three times a day to check in, as well as wats apped. Not because we need to but because we enjoy it and have friends and hobbies in common, so there is always something to say.

Every Christmas and summer, he goes away to his family’s home in the Austrian mountains with his children, where he has lots of cousins and his parents are there and everyone is in the same house. I visited last summer for a few days. It is quite a remote place and always very busy with children and adults buzzing around.

I don’t know if it’s something from my past, but I don’t cope well with inconsistent contact. If someone is in a consistent level of contact (even no contact) then I am totally fine, but having an expectation of contact and it not being met causes my brain to unconsciously measure their potentially changing feelings towards me based on whether I get that phonecall or that text and it preoccupies me and stops me from living in the moment.

Knowing myself and knowing I didn’t want to spend Christmas feeling anxious or having these stupid thoughts, I told him I thought it was probably a good idea that we went “cold turkey” over the period he was away so that we could both get on with enjoying our families and so I would not have any unmet expectations. I explained everything I said above. He said maybe we could have a call to say happy Christmas? I said no, because it would send me back into expectations mode. So we said goodbye on 18th December. We didn’t specify a time it should start again.

I haven’t heard anything since, as you would expect. I haven’t contacted him either. No Happy Christmas. No Happy New Year.

But it’s making me upset. I don’t know why. Regardless I have decided that things must have changed for him or his feelings must have changed. That he must not feel the same way about me if he is able to abstain from contacting me for 2 weeks over Christmas. It feels bleak. WTF is wrong with me. I feel moody and like I just want to cut him off entirely. I think – do I want to be with someone who is totally fine not speaking to me for two weeks? But what did I expect? He can’t win, I can’t win. Somehow my head is twisting it that he should have heard my reasons why I don’t like inconsistent contact and gone “above and beyond” to meet my expectations. Why am I such a nutter? I am not high maintenance outside of this. How do I stop feeling this way?

Text him yourself.
Ask how his Christmas was, and wish him Happy NY

You're not a butter and don't beat yourself up.

However, you say yourself you want consistency and he has taken you at your word in light of your feelings about contact.

I have to say the day to day level of contact you both have seems quite intense. Combined with how you feel now he takes you at your word, perhaps it would be good to talk to someone about any underlying issues or experiences that contribute to your feelings.

I think you need to step back and see that you were the person who instigated this.

I get it. You expect people to fail/let you down/hurt you so you try to preempt those things in a way of wrapping yourself up in protective bubble wrap, hoping it’s less of a surprise of impact.

The trouble is, you only see things from a narrow tunnel of doom. You feeling hurt. Did you ever consider how this man would feel to be snubbed by the person he’s spent the last year and a half with? To be made to feel that insignificant? To have a Christmas Day message turned down? He’s waiting for you to get your head out of wherever it is for fear of ‘doing the wrong thing’ and getting in touch with you when he’s explicitly been told you desire no contact.

When are you going to step up and put yourself out on the line?

You tried something, it didn't work. So change the plan. Contact him now and tell him how much you missed him, and see if he feels the same. He's not contacting because he thinks that's what you wanted to make things easier for you.

It sounds to me as though when you explained about inconsistent contact to him and suggested zero contact, what you were really looking for was for him to say something along the lines of "I get it and I'm going to consistently contact you every day to put your mind at rest."

I think it sounds like you were afraid to make that request so did the nuclear option of saying no contact at all because you were afraid of requesting everyday contact.

Trouble is, as you have seen, you did shoot yourself in the foot a bit there. You could have changed your mind at any point over Xmas and got in touch and I think it was a little harsh to say to him you wouldn't even have a call on Xmas day!

I'm sorry to say but all of this is your doing and it is all about your needs! You don't mention asking him what level of contact he wanted or could offer - you just dictated terms to him with no negotiations based on what you decided you wanted.

Now you're upset because he respected your wishes - even though it meant he wasn't 'allowed' to have a call with you, the woman he has been dating for 18 months, on Xmas day.

Honestly, I realise contact is a sensitive issue for you but this all seems to be about your needs and nothing about what he might have wanted. Maybe in the New Year, you ought to start looking at your expectations of relationships. Right now, they don't seem very healthy.

Stop playing games and contact him.

Just contact him OP! Admit you made a mistake and have changed your mind.

Send a simple text - "I know it was my idea for us to go cold turkey over Christmas, but I'm really missing you! Hope you had a lovely Christmas with your family and I'm looking forward to seeing you in 2020 xxx"

I'm sorry to say, but if I were him I'd run for the hills. You're a grown woman and you really can't handle fluctuating levels of contact even when there's a very good reason for it?

This is all about you, you, you. What about him? Have you considered how he felt being told to fuck off for 2 whole weeks? You wouldn't even allow a Merry Christmas call! You seem like very hard work.

With respect, you sound a little hard work! Why not just send the odd text every now and again rather than setting all these rules? My husband goes away a lot and we just contact each other when we fancy, no stress. Of course you miss hearing from him. Just give him a ring.

I feel your pain! I tie myself up in knots with this stuff. I'm in early days of dating and can get so wound up analysing communication and what it all means. It is exhausting and I drive myself nuts with it . Rationally I know it's daft but I can't help it. I'm going to see my counsellor next week to brain dump about it...

When was he due back?

Gosh sorry OP but a man telling doing what you've done, to me would put me right off. He's probably worried what on earth to do for the best. It's unrealistic in these circumstances to commit to make contact at set points so he had no choice but to go with your rule. It's worth contacting him and explaining you made a mistake. Perhaps look in to CBT for your issues with contact as it's sabotaging your happiness

Oh dear - if someone wanted no contact from me, and set out ‘contact rules’ it would have me running for the hills. I think the only way you can put this right is to text him the message that a previous poster suggested. And apologise for being controlling.

I wonder how it would have made you feel if he had said he wanted complete radio silence for that long? And over Christmas/new year too. I think I’d feel really upset and undervalued. I understand you explained your reasons to him but honestly I think you’ve let this anxiety get the better of you and it’s affecting your relationship. I know your intentions were well meaning but in the nicest way, you sound rather uptight.

Just message him, I’m sure he’ll be relieved to hear you’ve been missing him

I think you were very silly. I imagine he's very confused now. I would be.

Think about it from his side. His girlfriend said she wanted a break in contact, she turned down a suggestion for just a Christmas greeting, and now she hasn't been in contact for a couple of weeks. Why are you getting moody with him for doing what you asked him to do? He is just respecting what you asked for. If you want to have contact with him, then you need to be the person who makes the contact. Send him a message wishing him a Happy New Year.

Woman tells man not to contact her over the festive period.
Man asks about not even being able to say Merry Christmas on Christmas Day.
Woman says no, no contact at all.
Man respects this and doesn't contact her.
Woman is upset man didn't wish her Merry Christmas.

The guy needs to cut things loose with you, and you need to try and sort whatever these issues are out. You can't punish someone for doing what you asked them to do. If he would have texted you Merry Christmas, you probably would have still made this thread, except this time you would have been annoyed at him for not respecting your boundaries. You are being emotionally abusive if you guilt trip him over this. He has done nothing wrong.

Exactly what @SophieSong said. You're being really unfair to him and you know that. You can't expect him to be texting/calling lots from his family getaway in Austria, in fact it sounds like the perfect opportunity to just turn off phones and exist in the moment with all his family around him. He asked to be in touch, you refused. You could have said 'let's call or text once a day at bed time' or something similar which would have been consistent but not intrusive to his break.

Your post is all about you and what you want. Did you even ask him how he would feel not being allowed to have any contact with his girlfriend over Christmas?

Reminds me of all the women who tell their partners not to get them anything for Christmas then cry because he gets them nothing for Christmas.

You should apologise to him for being weird and controlling.

Somehow my head is twisting it that he should have heard my reasons why I don’t like inconsistent contact and gone “above and beyond” to meet my expectations

Ah. So in fact, your request to cut contact wasn't a genuine request, it was a mind game - you hoped that he would instead suggest scheduled times for contact without you having to ask for it.

I get it - sometimes it's hard to ask out loud for what you want. But you have to see that using manipulative methods to get what you want isn't ever going to work - even if the person ends up doing what you want, you will still feel insecure and anxious because you had to use underhanded means to get it.

Why not try an open and honest statement of how you feel? I promise you it will feel better, and you will probably find that your neediness reduces simply through the act of acknowledging it.

Poor guy.

I think if someone I was seeing told me they didn’t want me to contact them at all over Christmas, I’d be reconsidering the relationship.

Mind games never end well.

I feel bad for him tbh