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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Told partner not to contact me over Xmas. He took me at my word, now I am the loser

107 replies

radishesblad · 31/12/2019 13:01

I’ve been seeing a man for about 18 months. We have both been married before and have children, so from the beginning our priorities have been our families. Over the last 18 months we have seen each other most days and if not we have spoken on the phone up to three times a day to check in, as well as wats apped. Not because we need to but because we enjoy it and have friends and hobbies in common, so there is always something to say.

Every Christmas and summer, he goes away to his family’s home in the Austrian mountains with his children, where he has lots of cousins and his parents are there and everyone is in the same house. I visited last summer for a few days. It is quite a remote place and always very busy with children and adults buzzing around.

I don’t know if it’s something from my past, but I don’t cope well with inconsistent contact. If someone is in a consistent level of contact (even no contact) then I am totally fine, but having an expectation of contact and it not being met causes my brain to unconsciously measure their potentially changing feelings towards me based on whether I get that phonecall or that text and it preoccupies me and stops me from living in the moment.

Knowing myself and knowing I didn’t want to spend Christmas feeling anxious or having these stupid thoughts, I told him I thought it was probably a good idea that we went “cold turkey” over the period he was away so that we could both get on with enjoying our families and so I would not have any unmet expectations. I explained everything I said above. He said maybe we could have a call to say happy Christmas? I said no, because it would send me back into expectations mode. So we said goodbye on 18th December. We didn’t specify a time it should start again.

I haven’t heard anything since, as you would expect. I haven’t contacted him either. No Happy Christmas. No Happy New Year.

But it’s making me upset. I don’t know why. Regardless I have decided that things must have changed for him or his feelings must have changed. That he must not feel the same way about me if he is able to abstain from contacting me for 2 weeks over Christmas. It feels bleak. WTF is wrong with me. I feel moody and like I just want to cut him off entirely. I think – do I want to be with someone who is totally fine not speaking to me for two weeks? But what did I expect? He can’t win, I can’t win. Somehow my head is twisting it that he should have heard my reasons why I don’t like inconsistent contact and gone “above and beyond” to meet my expectations. Why am I such a nutter? I am not high maintenance outside of this. How do I stop feeling this way?

OP posts:
plumpmom · 31/12/2019 18:08

Do what @BIWI said. Stop over thinking

LuluBellaBlue · 31/12/2019 18:09

How about
“Sorry -partners name- for creating some silly rule that we couldn’t be in touch, it was purely from my insecurities and wounds, I thought it would help me not miss you so much, however I’ve missed being in touch with you loads! I hope you’ve had a brilliant Christmas and lots of lovely family time. Happy new year, I look forward to seeing you very soon. Radishesblad aka as a muppet!” Xx

Treacletoots · 31/12/2019 18:19

A partnership should work for both people. It doesn't sound like you even consider his needs or wants, talking only about yourself.

If he realises this, and it's quite possible, he could well decide he's better off without you.

TiffanyTrot · 31/12/2019 18:22

How strange of you to do this. I don't think you should psychoanalyse yourself as much as you seem to be doing! I think it's a simple case of low self esteem and neediness

DrinkFeckArseGirls · 31/12/2019 18:26

Seriously, OP. You engineered this. What would you have said to him if he did contact you? I bet you still wouldn’t be happy and thought he didn’t respect your boundaries.

JustASmallTownCurl · 31/12/2019 18:32

You set him up to fail OP can you see that?

He's stuck to your request and you're annoyed

If he hadn't stuck to your request he would have felt you'd be annoyed for not respecting your boundaries

I don't want to be mean but this is a real headfuck for him and very unfair.

I've been similar when I was younger and now see I wasn't ready for a relationship until I worked on myself.

Do you think it might be fairer to end this relationship while you investigate your attachment issues (it's really positive you have self awareness of this) so you can move forward with your life and only get into a relationship when you're secure in yourself.

I hate to say it but the way things are at the moment you're being selfish and the poor guy can't win.

Tooner · 31/12/2019 21:54

I feel so sorry for your partner. He had to ask if he could contact you on Xmas day and was told no. God knows how that must have made him feel.
Time to take a good luck at yourself OP and time to change the rules...your rules. They are not fair.

Thorn90 · 31/12/2019 21:59

Ridiculous hand playing

CodenameVillanelle · 31/12/2019 22:04

If my boyfriend had said what you said I'd be really hurt and assume he wanted to break up. It's a really weird and hurtful thing to do.

NorthernLightsInWinter · 31/12/2019 22:05

I suspect you've ended your own relationship by your actions.

I would text an apology and wish him a happy new year's and tell him you miss him if you want a chance to sort it.

doritosdip · 31/12/2019 22:13

If OP was receiving this behaviour from her partner then everybody would be saying LTB.

I agree with the posters who said to text him and explain you've got it wrong. You want to talk to him etc When you do get a chance to talk could you get him to commit to a time that he'll call you? That way when the intrusive thoughts start you can say "Stop it. He is calling me at 7pm" or whatever. Texts are not as instant as a phone call so maybe agree to all contact being by phone instead and you can set a time for the next call each time?

cees · 31/12/2019 22:28

He has done as you asked, not to sound harsh but i wouldn't be surprised if he is wondering if he should continue your relationship. That was a cold thing to say and over the Christmas period to. He has done nothing wrong here for you to feel unsure about your relationship. His only crime it seems is doing as you have asked.
Call him and wish him a happy new year, see can you make amends but you really should sort yourself out before you sabotage your own happiness.

PinkiOcelot · 31/12/2019 22:45

Where’s the OP?!

soapysudd · 31/12/2019 22:51

I think @sophiesong had it spot on

doritosdip · 31/12/2019 23:30

OP is hopefully talking to her partner (it's an hour ahead in Austria)

Haworthia · 31/12/2019 23:38

This was a test and he failed, right? You were hoping he’d prove his love for you by calling you.

It was passive aggressive of you to say “No contact! I just can’t bear it when you’re away and you’re inconsistent with your calls and messages!” (I.e. you’re blaming him for your OTT reaction). It was martyr-ish to ban him from even calling on Christmas Day.

Just call him. I hope you can sort it out.

BumbleBeee69 · 31/12/2019 23:42

Christ almighty.... this guy can't win.. Hmm

AlternativePerspective · 31/12/2019 23:45

If you’d posted here to say that your partner had told you not to contact him over Xmas the reaction would be to just never contact him again.

Sorry, but if my partner did this to me the relationship would be over. I don’t do emotional mind games and this is what you’re doing.

TheGirlWithGlassFeet · 31/12/2019 23:46

That is bizarre. I would expect him to text/speak to you on Christmas Day. That said why didn't you call him? You need to decide what you what and instigate it. Sorry if that's harsh.

MrsTerryPratchett · 31/12/2019 23:47

He can’t win, I can’t win.

And the only person who can change that is you. Bit of CBT or counselling and work on this.

TheOnlyLivingBoyInNewCross · 31/12/2019 23:52

You got exactly what you asked for!

What the hell are you complaining about?

fpurplea · 01/01/2020 00:02

Why on earth did you decide that no contact was better than consistent, but less frequent than normal contact, as in the goodnight text / call suggested by others? Even to the point that you refuse to schedule a Happy Xmas message, why on earth would that trigger expectations when it was planned? Has this approach ever actually worked for you? I can't see how it fits with your overanalytical anxiety.

I think the suggestions of maybe seeking therapy / CBT are valid. However, I also think you may want to look at cutting down the daily contact. You say you don't need it, you want it, but the rest of your post really doesn't read like someone who would be fine with just one phone call a day.

Hopoindown31 · 01/01/2020 09:28

You established a clear boundary and he has respected that. Many women on here are with men who can't do that. This shows his is probably a good guy.

Whether you meant to or not what you've actually done is given him a no-win scenario test (Kobayashi maru for the star trek fans). Even if you didn't mean it, I hope you can see how shitty that is to do to someone. A women complaining of having this done to her on here would have been given a string of LTBs.

As others have said, this is on you to fix. You need to get in contact, apologise and work on yourself.

Happysummer2020 · 01/01/2020 10:37

I don’t cope well with inconsistent contact. If someone is in a consistent level of contact (even no contact) then I am totally fine,

You've learned that this isn't true so accept that as a first step to understanding yourself.

Zzzz19 · 01/01/2020 10:40

Men are simple creatures. This is nuts!

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