Told partner not to contact me over Xmas. He took me at my word, now I am the loser

[radishesblad]

I’ve been seeing a man for about 18 months. We have both been married before and have children, so from the beginning our priorities have been our families. Over the last 18 months we have seen each other most days and if not we have spoken on the phone up to three times a day to check in, as well as wats apped. Not because we need to but because we enjoy it and have friends and hobbies in common, so there is always something to say.

Every Christmas and summer, he goes away to his family’s home in the Austrian mountains with his children, where he has lots of cousins and his parents are there and everyone is in the same house. I visited last summer for a few days. It is quite a remote place and always very busy with children and adults buzzing around.

I don’t know if it’s something from my past, but I don’t cope well with inconsistent contact. If someone is in a consistent level of contact (even no contact) then I am totally fine, but having an expectation of contact and it not being met causes my brain to unconsciously measure their potentially changing feelings towards me based on whether I get that phonecall or that text and it preoccupies me and stops me from living in the moment.

Knowing myself and knowing I didn’t want to spend Christmas feeling anxious or having these stupid thoughts, I told him I thought it was probably a good idea that we went “cold turkey” over the period he was away so that we could both get on with enjoying our families and so I would not have any unmet expectations. I explained everything I said above. He said maybe we could have a call to say happy Christmas? I said no, because it would send me back into expectations mode. So we said goodbye on 18th December. We didn’t specify a time it should start again.

I haven’t heard anything since, as you would expect. I haven’t contacted him either. No Happy Christmas. No Happy New Year.

But it’s making me upset. I don’t know why. Regardless I have decided that things must have changed for him or his feelings must have changed. That he must not feel the same way about me if he is able to abstain from contacting me for 2 weeks over Christmas. It feels bleak. WTF is wrong with me. I feel moody and like I just want to cut him off entirely. I think – do I want to be with someone who is totally fine not speaking to me for two weeks? But what did I expect? He can’t win, I can’t win. Somehow my head is twisting it that he should have heard my reasons why I don’t like inconsistent contact and gone “above and beyond” to meet my expectations. Why am I such a nutter? I am not high maintenance outside of this. How do I stop feeling this way?

Wow, you sound hard work!

Poor chap-I reckon you've really hurt him. Hopefully he’s spent the Xmas break deciding to break up with you and find someone with feeder issues.

It sounds as if you hoped he wouldn't take you at your word, and would instead contact you every single day he was away.
Now he hasn't contacted you at all, it appears that he doesn't really care that much.
Text him and wish him a happy new year. See what happens.

If a partner I was in a loving relationship with told me what I could and couldn't do, what I could and couldn't say they would be out the door.

No matter what the underlying reason for your mind games, you sound controlling OP. And I don't blame him for lying low, probably not knowing what the hell to do.

I have known people [at different times in my life] who whatever I do... I am wrong if I do, and wrong if I don't. It does my head in...and I no longer know them. Game playing.

Just message him! You're hard work OP. All these rules. I feel for him tbh and I wouldn't be surprised if your silly rules left him hurt and feeling rejected. Just message a genuine message hoping he's had a great time and you can't wait to see him

You asked him not to contact you, you asked him not to wish you a happy Christmas and you are upset that he has not contacted you and hasn't wished you a happy Christmas. Really...... ??

Have a read up on anxious-preoccupied attachment styles. It's all to do with how you 'attach' to other people in a relationship and how you react if the other person doesn't soothe the anxiety you feel. Understanding yourself is the first step to adjusting behaviours that may sabotage relationships. Working with a therapist is a good investment if it's affecting your life detrimentally.

The good thing is he sounds like a fairly secure person so has been understanding of your request for no contact. Being with someone secure can only improve your chances of a successful relationship so try not to be so hard on yourself.

Send what BIWI posted, its perfect:-

"Send a simple text - "I know it was my idea for us to go cold turkey over Christmas, but I'm really missing you! Hope you had a lovely Christmas with your family and I'm looking forward to seeing you in 2020 xxx""

I can totally relate to what you’ve done. I also get the being in contact thing. I am/was similar but been with my new partner a while now and I’m getting better. It’s your own insecurities that lead you to behave in this way. Don’t be too hard on yourself xx

Just contact the poor sod. Keep in mind its just ur insecurities making u feel all tgat nonsense. You didnt even let the poor guy send you a merry christmas message and he is doing exactly what u asked him to do (so he is respectin ur wishes even though he is probably struggling and wanting contact) . Text him, say u miss him!

You sound like hard work! Poor guy!

You cut off your partner at the one time everyone poses as the happiest they've ever been and it's all "family and loved ones" overload.

Seriously.Terrible.Idea.

Did he want that? I mean he may have told his family this is what you ordered him to do. I mean if that doesn't get them bitching about you...

I have massive social anxiety, I can't do "gatherings" etc. I've had it I was a little kid. My Ex's family (MIL mainly) used to have a right bitch about it "She's using it as an excuse" etc etc

Kind of also sounds like something teenagers would do. "Let's have a break over christmas and go out together again after NY".

Just call him ffs.

And relax in future.

Christ poor man. What a head fuck

You're being controlling and manipulative.

Playing mind games to manipulate him is very childish. I'd be running a mile if I was him.

But I do agree with others look up attachment styles. Seems like you’re insecure. It’s horrible to be insecure attachment style. But it’s also horrible to be around. At your point in life it’s really worth dealing with

If I said this to my partner I wouldn't expect him to be my partner for longg. As said by pp, it's all about what you want.

I think you need to stop being so dramatic and selfish.

Totally understand where you're coming from and don't know why so many posters want to kick someone when they're down. You feel shit - you don't need a million other people telling you that you're abusive, hard work or controlling.

You are as you are - you're trying to protect yourself. Perhaps just pick up the phone and give him a call, rather than text, so that you don't have the anxiety and panic of then waiting to hear back. Have a chat, say you miss him, say you're keen to resume regular contact and hopefully you can pick up where you left off.

If you send a message, don't agonize if you don't hear back for a while. He's busy with his family, he's not expecting to hear from you, he's probably not looking at his phone all the time.

If you do message, keep it quite light - 'Wishing you and your family a happy new year. See you in 2020!' Texts really aren't the right medium for deep and meaningful conversations about relationships.

Ring him ffs! You're not 12!

What @FreckledLeopard said....phone him

I think game playing is worse than his supposed crime of Inconsistency.

Sort your shit OP. You’ve pinpointed the problem but playing games is not the solution.

Just call him, surely you can just pick up the phone after 18 months of daily contact. If you text something breezy he may be unsure if you’re expecting him to respond or not and you might just prolong your anxiety

Your manipulation didn't work unfortunately for you.

I'd ring him and say you made a daft decision, apologise for being controlling and hopefully he won't dump you.