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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Told partner not to contact me over Xmas. He took me at my word, now I am the loser

107 replies

radishesblad · 31/12/2019 13:01

I’ve been seeing a man for about 18 months. We have both been married before and have children, so from the beginning our priorities have been our families. Over the last 18 months we have seen each other most days and if not we have spoken on the phone up to three times a day to check in, as well as wats apped. Not because we need to but because we enjoy it and have friends and hobbies in common, so there is always something to say.

Every Christmas and summer, he goes away to his family’s home in the Austrian mountains with his children, where he has lots of cousins and his parents are there and everyone is in the same house. I visited last summer for a few days. It is quite a remote place and always very busy with children and adults buzzing around.

I don’t know if it’s something from my past, but I don’t cope well with inconsistent contact. If someone is in a consistent level of contact (even no contact) then I am totally fine, but having an expectation of contact and it not being met causes my brain to unconsciously measure their potentially changing feelings towards me based on whether I get that phonecall or that text and it preoccupies me and stops me from living in the moment.

Knowing myself and knowing I didn’t want to spend Christmas feeling anxious or having these stupid thoughts, I told him I thought it was probably a good idea that we went “cold turkey” over the period he was away so that we could both get on with enjoying our families and so I would not have any unmet expectations. I explained everything I said above. He said maybe we could have a call to say happy Christmas? I said no, because it would send me back into expectations mode. So we said goodbye on 18th December. We didn’t specify a time it should start again.

I haven’t heard anything since, as you would expect. I haven’t contacted him either. No Happy Christmas. No Happy New Year.

But it’s making me upset. I don’t know why. Regardless I have decided that things must have changed for him or his feelings must have changed. That he must not feel the same way about me if he is able to abstain from contacting me for 2 weeks over Christmas. It feels bleak. WTF is wrong with me. I feel moody and like I just want to cut him off entirely. I think – do I want to be with someone who is totally fine not speaking to me for two weeks? But what did I expect? He can’t win, I can’t win. Somehow my head is twisting it that he should have heard my reasons why I don’t like inconsistent contact and gone “above and beyond” to meet my expectations. Why am I such a nutter? I am not high maintenance outside of this. How do I stop feeling this way?

OP posts:
SemperIdem · 31/12/2019 15:51

Just call him

Butterymuffin · 31/12/2019 15:52

You'll need to take the initiative here, as others have said, and apologise for making things difficult re contact. Some honesty from you and he may be understanding.

strawberry2017 · 31/12/2019 15:54

You were an idiot, you need to admit that, admit you miss talking to him and apologise. Then move on.
Simple!

NameChangeNugget · 31/12/2019 15:55

Admit that you’ve been a bit of cock and see what happens.

LolaSmiles · 31/12/2019 15:57

FreckledLeopard
Some posts on here have been unpleasant, but people suggesting the OP gets to the bottom of the issues are probably coming from a good place.

It's all well and good saying to the OP that she can say she wants to resume normal contact, but normal contact in this relationship is multiple phonecalls a day plus WhatsApp messages etc. That's also unreasonable long term, especially if someone is spending time with their family. It would be really rude to keep interrupting a family break because "my DP wants me to be in touch multiple times a day".

The DP is damned if he does and damned if he doesn't really. He's in a game where the rules keep changing, he's not told of the rule changes but is at fault if he doesn't show psychic abilities. He can be the nicest and most supportive person in the world, but even nice and supportive people eventually tire of having to be psychic to avoid their DP's emotional fall out. If the OP likes this guy and sees a future then it would probably be helpful for her to see someone professional to develop a more healthy outlook on contacts attachment and relationships.

Singlenotsingle · 31/12/2019 15:59

He probably thinks you were finishing it when you said no contact over Christmas. If you do want him, you'd better apologise PDQ.

funnylittlefloozie · 31/12/2019 16:05

Why dont you send him a text saying sorry about the contact thing, you have been a bit loopy and you're looking forward to seeing him soon. Tbh i wouldnt be surprised if he tells you to jog on, because who wants to be with someone who plays mindgames like this? Its worth a try though.

GoodDogBellaBoo · 31/12/2019 16:05

Why do you get to set the rules?

YouretheChristmasCarcass · 31/12/2019 16:06

He's doing what you asked him to do so don't blame him! Unless someone gave me a specific 'end date' I'd assume the onus was on them to re-initiate contact. You can either sit and 'stew' or you can put on your big girl pants and text him. Shit or get off the pot.

GoodDogBellaBoo · 31/12/2019 16:06

If it was me I would honestly not contact you ever again.

Ginger1982 · 31/12/2019 16:08

You sound like hard work. How does this contact thing work in everyday life? Does he have to contact you a certain number of times during the day?

You wanted what you've got, only apparently you didn't. Make up your mind.

FeigningHorror · 31/12/2019 16:19

OP, you have enough self-knowledge to understand your difficulty in dealing with inconsistent contact. Take that one step further perhaps with a decent counsellor or a course of CBT and deal with your issues, before they damage your relationship further. And recognise that the problem is with you -- your boyfriend is paying you the compliment of taking you at your word and doing what you asked him to do. He is not a mind-reader if what you really wanted him to do is to say 'But it doesn't matter if I'm up a mountain in Austria with my family! I will meet all of your expectations for frequent daily phonecalls and messaging, regardless of what else is going on!'

Is that actually what you wanted him to say? Or was it a test to see how long he could hold out before he missed you and got back in contact?

FreckledLeopard · 31/12/2019 16:23

I don't disagree that the OP may be struggling with issues. A therapist may help (although the amount of times I see someone being told to 'get therapy' as if it will radically solve someone's issues overnight, never mind they may have had it, can't afford it or otherwise), but kicking someone whilst they're down is hardly going to encourage them to post further for more support.

And if the OP is struggling with anxiety/other issues, how on earth is going to help her if people tell her they'd run for the hills, that she's abusive, or any of the other names that people are calling her? This is relationships - not AIBU.

Groovinpeanut · 31/12/2019 16:49

It all seems to be very much about you, and what you want,and what works for you.
It's a very immature way to behave. Mind games are something you play.
I think he gets a real shoddy deal bring treated in such a way.
Maybe this time of no contact has made him realise you're not for him. He deserves to be treated better. Sticking around for 18mths to them be told he can't contact you? What about his feelings?

marblesgoing · 31/12/2019 16:57

I bet he will be really pleased to hear from you but don't be surprised if he doesn't answer or reply.
Maybe he's a bit pissed off that he asked for a Xmas day call and you knocked him bak.

Life's too bloody short op.

Just send a text wishing him a happy new year and you hope he had a fab Xmas and would it be ok for you to call as you've missed his voice?

Scarsthelot · 31/12/2019 16:59

You need to sort this issue out. You Gould probably due to single.

People can not message the same, every day all the time. If you can not ha dle someone messaging or calling less during christmas, you probably shouldn't be in a relationship.

Sort that issue

You tried playing games. He took you at his work and now you are annoyed with him.

If he contacted you, you wouldn't be happy. He hasnt, you still aren't happy.

If you cant be in a relationship without outr the person into a no win situation, dont be in a relationship.

Grafittiqueen · 31/12/2019 17:01

If I were him I'd have assumed that was the relationship over. I don't know what you were thinking tbh.

Send BIWI's text and pray that he's not run for the hills.

Louise91417 · 31/12/2019 17:06

Just text him happy new year...the fella cant win...you told him not to text..even when he suggested a happy xmas, what must he be thinking and feeling! And stop playing mind games before they well and truely backfire on you..if they havent alreadyHmm

ChristmasFluff · 31/12/2019 17:10

One of the first posters, @SophieSong, had it completely correct.

You set him a test he didn't know he was taking - so of course he failed it. Because it is dishonest game-playing, and he is a decent man who respects your boundaries.

He may well be re-thinking this relationship though - I definitely would think this was you softening me up for a break-up!

OP, you have to look to yourself, and first of all begin being very honest - with yourself and others. A much more honest expression of how you felt would have been 'I start second-guessing when I don't hear from you - can you send me a goodnight text each day?'

But then also have a look at your own behaviour and self-love, self-esteem and self-trust. A person who trusts themselves is able to trust others. A person who loves themselves is able to love others without suffocating them, because they have no fear of abandonment. A person with self-esteem feels worthy of respect and so does not tolerate a lack of respect from others.

Get in touch with him and sort it out with honesty and authenticity. New Year, New Start!

DamnItsSevenAM · 31/12/2019 17:29

Definitely google anxious attachment style and think about doing some work with a therapist or counsellor on this. It stinks to be experiencing these issues, believe me I sympathise! But he is probably confused at best, hurt or offended at worst. I hope it works out, OP.

user63212 · 31/12/2019 17:33

OP I totally understand why you've done this. And you do too. But it isn't the right way to have a happy relationship. Contact him, tell him the truth about how you're feeling...say you feel silly/ youre sorry/ you made a mistake...whatever it is that you feel, say it now and be honest. no need to go over the top but internally recognise that this probably wasnt the best idea. put it right and tell him.

it is hard when you dont like inconsistent contact, i am the same, i would rather know someone wasnt going to be in touch than analyse when and how they did during a period i am apart from them. but you need to find other coping mechanisms, even if it is a constant reminder to yourself that you are worthy and important and he will be back soon and nothing will have changed. it is easier said than done but you are going to end up in all sorts of issues if you purposely put a block between you and the man you actually want to be with.

Dacquoise · 31/12/2019 17:35

Is it just me or did I not read any hint of manipulation in the OP's post towards her partner about going no contact over Christmas? She says she explained her issues to him and thought it best to go 'cold turkey' to try to avoid her feelings running out of control. He has kindly respected her but it hasn't worked and she is feeling anxious and overwhelmed with her thoughts.

She acknowledges she has a problem about inconsistent contact in relationships and came on here asking for help. A lot of the responses have been very judgemental, verging on brutal. I can see no evidence of her partner being controlled or abused by her. She's been very open in her dealings with him.

What's going on here?!?

Scarsthelot · 31/12/2019 17:46

Its manipulative because she is now attaching negativity to him because he did as she asked.

Like 'how can he be ok not speaking for 2 weeks'

Its manipulative because she now is reading negativity into his feelings towards her. When he hasnt done anything.

It's also manipulative, because actually what she wanted was him to promise long and consistent contact, that they normally have. While he is on holiday (which is, imo, unreasonable) not actually no contact. But didnt say that.

Ginger1982 · 31/12/2019 17:47

@Dacquoise I would disagree.

"Somehow my head is twisting it that he should have heard my reasons why I don’t like inconsistent contact and gone “above and beyond” to meet my expectations. "

She said this ^^ and I believe that was what she wanted all along.

Dacquoise · 31/12/2019 18:01

These are all thoughts she is having which she acknowledges are unreasonable. I don't get the impression she intended to test him at all. These feelings have arisen subsequently and she is questioning herself and where her thoughts go to. Which is why she is asking for advice and help.

She doesn't know what he is thinking or feeling because he hasn't contacted her as she requested. He may get in touch and ask how she has coped over Christmas. There may be no issue at all.