Told partner not to contact me over Xmas. He took me at my word, now I am the loser

[radishesblad]

I’ve been seeing a man for about 18 months. We have both been married before and have children, so from the beginning our priorities have been our families. Over the last 18 months we have seen each other most days and if not we have spoken on the phone up to three times a day to check in, as well as wats apped. Not because we need to but because we enjoy it and have friends and hobbies in common, so there is always something to say.

Every Christmas and summer, he goes away to his family’s home in the Austrian mountains with his children, where he has lots of cousins and his parents are there and everyone is in the same house. I visited last summer for a few days. It is quite a remote place and always very busy with children and adults buzzing around.

I don’t know if it’s something from my past, but I don’t cope well with inconsistent contact. If someone is in a consistent level of contact (even no contact) then I am totally fine, but having an expectation of contact and it not being met causes my brain to unconsciously measure their potentially changing feelings towards me based on whether I get that phonecall or that text and it preoccupies me and stops me from living in the moment.

Knowing myself and knowing I didn’t want to spend Christmas feeling anxious or having these stupid thoughts, I told him I thought it was probably a good idea that we went “cold turkey” over the period he was away so that we could both get on with enjoying our families and so I would not have any unmet expectations. I explained everything I said above. He said maybe we could have a call to say happy Christmas? I said no, because it would send me back into expectations mode. So we said goodbye on 18th December. We didn’t specify a time it should start again.

I haven’t heard anything since, as you would expect. I haven’t contacted him either. No Happy Christmas. No Happy New Year.

But it’s making me upset. I don’t know why. Regardless I have decided that things must have changed for him or his feelings must have changed. That he must not feel the same way about me if he is able to abstain from contacting me for 2 weeks over Christmas. It feels bleak. WTF is wrong with me. I feel moody and like I just want to cut him off entirely. I think – do I want to be with someone who is totally fine not speaking to me for two weeks? But what did I expect? He can’t win, I can’t win. Somehow my head is twisting it that he should have heard my reasons why I don’t like inconsistent contact and gone “above and beyond” to meet my expectations. Why am I such a nutter? I am not high maintenance outside of this. How do I stop feeling this way?

He sounds lovely and you've learned that no contact doesn't help either. I would apologise and start contact with him. Happy new year op!

I really dislike game-playing; it's unfair on every level and this had me cringing and feeling angry as it's the same game that my Mum does about 'not wanting a fuss on her birthday'. Completely unfair and does so much damage.

OP, if you have realised that this is an unfair game - and not just because it hasn't given you the feeling of power over the relationship that you wanted - then get some help. Real life help because you're sabotaging and will continue to do that until life becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy and you lose your relationships, one by one.

What you're doing is not fair and you're not even able to see the other person's point of view.

I hope you get the chance to make good; I wouldn't give it to you, I'd be fed up fending off questions as to why my partner isn't in touch/I can't be in touch with them - and i'd be off.

I wish you well; stop this game-playing once and for all.

You told him that he wasn't even allowed to message you Happy Christmas?

You need to take a bit of a step back OP and relax a bit regarding contact.

Message him to say Happy New Year and to say you hope he's had a lovely time over Christmas.

Hopefully he will reply and you can carry on with your relationship.

I get it, OP. There’s a reason why intermittent reinforcement is so powerful and addictive.

This backfired spectacularly, but I understand why you tried. All and/or nothing is better than sporadic. You can’t ask for All, so you asked for Nothing. But that didn’t work.

I don’t think this man can ever give you what you need.

I hope you're okay op, have you called him? I think you're going to need to put some effort in. You must stop playing mind games

You're playing nasty games with another persons emotions. Either sort yourself out and what you genuinely want or be by yourself for a while to work on your relationship problems.

He must have been so hurt by your total rejection of any contact, not even a call on Christmas Day. If I was him I would assume you were breaking up with me in a weird dishonest way and just not contact you again (and get drunk and snog someone unsuitable at the midnight bells).
I really feel for him and agree you need to apologise and be honest with him. Good luck. If he takes you back, you should thank your lucky stars you've got an understanding and compassionate chap there.