He doesn't love me anymore

[TheGoodNamesWereAlreadyTaken]

Dh and I had an argument last night. After it had calmed down and we were talking he told me that he "loves me but doesn't love me as much as he should" "we've drifted apart" "have different lives"
I agree to an extent about us drifting apart. We don't have much in common and tend to do our own thing and haven t been spending as much time together as we should have been over the last year. But I still love him. It isn't fireworks anymore but I can't imagine my life without him. I expected us to grow old together.
We've been together for 15 years and married for 11 years. We met when we were 17 & 21. We have two children together who are coming upto the teenage years.
We don't have sex often anymore as he is dealing with an ongoing health problem and has been waiting for 3 years for treatment for this.

Is there anyway back from this.

I said to him that marriages need work sometimes. It doesn't always come easy. And feelings do change over time. Just like mine have. But he said it seems inevitable that eventually it will end. It makes me think he doesn't even want to try. He said he'd felt like this for a couple of years now.

Any advice?

Any tips an rebuilding the relationship?

He needs to want it and you need some kind of counselling. It won't work the way you are trying now as it is just you trying. I too believe there is probably if not an other woman, then someone has popped up and flirted or given him the idea of grass being greener.

Currently you are trying too hard and probably pushing him away further. You need to take a step back and let him come to you. Do the 180 (google) and get yourself a little emotional distance.

Lots of marriages have tough bits and hard periods and people work through them and they survive, but this won't have a happy ending until he is 100% on board to fix it. It seems he needs a bit of space and time to think and you need to probably back off a bit and let him have a taste of what he is losing.

I think you are doing what you can to rebuild the relationship but personally I think he's checked out and only there because of guilt. You keep saying he seems distant.

You can't rebuild a relationship when the other half of it doesn't want to. He should be thinking of things to do as well, not just going along passively with all your suggestions.

"He said that he doesn't find me attractive anymore and doesn't want to have sex with me but when we do he gets into it."

This is just awful. If a man said this to me there is no chance in hell that i would have sex with him. He came back on the proviso that you would both try. From what you've written, you're the only one who is trying. He's fucking with your head. I think it was a mistake to let him come back so quickly to be honest. Now he's whimpering on about needing time to think. That's what him leaving was supposed to be about. You say you're waiting for him to decide. He's already decided. He's shown you by his actions since he came back that he doesn't want this marriage to continue but he's too chicken to tell you that.

Yes @SoTiredTonight I am still with my DH. It was a year of hell (gaslighting as he was having an affair but telling me he needed space and blaming me). I should have ended it to save myself from the mental torture. He did the same as the husband of the OP, dithering between me and the OW. I had no idea and just did the massive pick me dance. My self esteem was shit.
It was only when I took the choice away by him leaving that it all changed. He woke up from the affair fog but a lot of the damage was done. It's taken another 2.5 years and I can't look at him in the same way as I did before the affair. I'm now unsure if I will be with him after the kids leave home.

The OPs situation sounds very similar and I wish her the best as I think she'll turn herself inside out trying to please someone who is treating her as an option.

Im sorry you are going through this as I can feel the pain and fear in your post. I remember that fear when my DH said he’d met someone else and was confused. After trying to ‘work out his feelings’ we argued and ended the marriage. I thought I would never get over it. I was wrong.

The only way forward is counselling but I fear if there is no OW, I think his head has been turned. You met, married and had kids so young you may just have grown up in different directions. It happens sadly. I think he hasnt quite got the guts to end the marriage and that is why he has returned for now.

Its really hard I know, but give him some space perhaps have counselling if he had commit to it. Take care of the children and reassure them its not their fault.

Keep yourself busy! Get some self help books Paul McKenna does one on how to mend a broken heart. Get lots if support from friends and family. Post here to mumsnet. Treat yourself to things that make you feel good - a massage, facial etc. Above all be kind to yourself.

It does sound like a bit of hysterical bonding, I have been where you are. I would honestly get yourself into couples counselling ASAP. Now he's back, you're going to be full of doubt, over analysing his behaviour, wondering if he's being distant with you and wondering if that means he's changed his mind - it's awful and I wouldn't wish it on anyone. Don't be me and do the pick me dance and have lots of sex that you don't really want to have - it's not the answer and you'll end up sending yourself insane. Thinking of you x

Been there, done that and got the t-shirt. You are indeed instigating hysterical bonding and I agree with @chocolateandpinkgin, if he is solidly intent on fixing things, he would agree to be seeing a relationship counsellor. But I doubt by the sounds of it, that he will agree with this, will he?

I went through similar with my ex and he was actually in the throws of an emotional affair with the OW for a year. I subjected myself to extreme anxiety and stress, second guessing everything because of his emotional abuse. I attended counselling for myself and came to realise I was worth a hell of a lot more. I then found out for sure he was having an affair and ended everything with him because he didn't have the integrity and honesty to end it himself. When I look back in hindsight (which is a great thing!) I realise that the majority of the time our relationship was very unbalanced and it was me that had to make a lot of changes to fit in with him. I'll never make that mistake again!

If someone genuinely wants to be with you and wants to fix things, they will go out of their way to do this.

I have also been there. Desperately trying to make myself into someone else to make him love me again the way he used to. But it's impossible because they move the goalposts - you try to be 'more outgoing', they say you've become too loud and want to go out all the time. You try to be 'sexier' and get more intimacy, they say they feel 'smothered' and you are trying to force something that's not there.

You can't win unless he puts in at least 50% of the effort. And he isn't. He's there for the kids, that's all. He won't fall in love with you again because he's too close to it all. Get him out, let him find out how cold and lonely real life is outside the relationship. He may, then, decide he wants to work on things. THIS isn't 'working on it'. It's waiting for you to trip up so he's got a concrete excuse to leave, without guilt.

Also been there with the great sex, trying to make him love me. I wish I’d remained dignified and told him to fuck off. You are worth more than this OP

He said he still feels the same and his heads messed up. He said he is giving it 100% but said he came back because he wants to make it work with us. And for the kids and he does feel guilty.

Of course he feels guilty.
He's a liar and a cheat.
And he is NOT giving it 100% - not by any stretch of the imagination.
And unfortunately OP, you are doing everything single thing we have all told you NOT to do!!
I really hope it works out for you but please don't expect it to!

@TheGoodNamesWereAlreadyTaken

I'm so sorry to hear you going through this. Myself and my husband are in the same position. Things haven't been great for while, very up and down and out of no where a week ago he decided to leave.

The upshot was he didn't as I said if he did, it was for good. We have done nothing but talk and cry for the past week - very grateful to be back at work and having normal mundane conversations.

Our children are aware we are having issues as they aren't stupid and we are doing everything we can to support them.

We start couples counselling later on this month - its the only way. I'm already in the early stages of individual counselling, because regardless of how things work out, I wan't to be the best version of myself - Maybe, have a look at this for you and for the two of you. We tried to fix us by ourselfs for a long time, but I get too emotional and he is very matter of fact.

I'm currently in the anger phase, after a week of hysterical crying and mud slinging - god its exhausting. We are having no physical contact of any sort - his instigation and actually I don't want this to restart until we are both fully on board.

Sorry I just totally high jacked your thread, but was just wanting to say that if you wan't a faceless support buddy who understands where you are right now, feel free to message me x

I know I'm doing everything I've been told not to do @hellsbellsmelons but I can't just sit back and hope for the best. Or let him leave again. It crushed the dcs and me. I am just trying to establish the connection we once had. This can't be it surely.

He's going out on Saturday night. It's been booked for months apparently. A belated Christmas outing to a restaurant. I suggested I come with (as one of the problems was that I never joined him when he went out with friends) but he said it's employees only as the meals have been booked and paid for. He then said that next time he's going out I should definitely come. And to also go out with my friends. I need to do that more often too.

Just be careful, @TheGoodNames. My ex told me that I needed to see my friends more.

It was so I'd have people to turn to when he left. As he did, despite 'working on us'.

Same here @zaphodsotherhead suggested I hung out with my friends more, left a few months later

he said it's employees only as the meals have been booked and paid for

It's 5 days away, could they not just add another meal on now?

I know that's not really the issue here though. Just look after yourself. You won't want to listen to some of the advice here, I didn't either. We only ever want to hear positive stuff, it's human nature. But I do look back at advice I was given and think they were right and how I wish I'd taken heed of it back then.

He could genuinely want to make it work, I don't think he's necessarily only back for the children. None of us know you or your husband so we can't make that call but I do think a lot of people on here are quick to jump to the negative conclusion. I really hope it works out for you but just remember YOU matter. Don't change yourself to make him happy or do the pick me dance, it never works x

I don't think so. It was booked and paid for ages ago apparently. He isn't technically an employee. It's people who he works with as part of his job sometimes but there was a space this year for him to go so he's going.

I'm just trying to be a better version of myself. I know where we've gone wrong. We've neglected eachother and done our own things. I haven't been a very good wife. I've been lazy and got fat. Now I see I was eating as a substitute for sex as he's been ill so hasn't been able to as much. We should have been making more time for eachother.

That's all well and good OP. Just shore yourself up in case his 'attempts' don't last for long. It can't hurt to take some legal advice and be prepared 'just in case', can it? You may never need to use it, or any money you can put aside - and that will be lovely.

But just be prepared.

It's good to try and work on yourself during this time, but do it for you rather than him. Then even if he leaves, you'll feel better about yourself.
You seem very able to pick out all your own flaws and where you came up short but can he do that for himself? A marriage takes two.

Bigblue1970

I can't even imagine what your daily existence is like with a man like that. It's ok to say you've tried enough, and it's not working. You could have years of living a half life. Or you could ditch the cheat and find someone who loves you.

Oh OP honestly my heart breaks for you as you frantically do the ‘pick me’ dance

Work on your own self esteem for YOU not for him. From where I’m sitting he’s making next to no effort and will Continue to blame you that he’s not happy

I’m very about the work dinner - frankly if it was booked & paid fir ages ago then why has it only just been mentioned? There’s no reason for him to go Or conversely not to bring you along if he’s not an employee and it’s the sort of small gesture he should be making if he’s serious about your marriage

My partner of 21 years, father to my 5 yr old and 21 month old, has just told me that the spark has gone and he wants us to break up. He says we have no intimacy or passion. I am devastated. Our sex life has been poor since our baby was born because he sleeps so badly and generally ends up in our bed or we are exhausted. We also get little time without the kids because we have no close by family and money is tight. However, I accepted this is a temporary situation and we'd get back in track as the kids got older. I still felt close to him and find him attractive.

He has suffered anxiety and is on SSRI meds. He says he is broken and if he stays his mental health will get worse and he's scared of being a bad dad.

Does anyone else have experience of this with a partner with anxiety or on SSRI's ? I'm clinging to the hope that this is his mental health talking and we may be recoverable in time.

Please don't suggest another woman is involved as I am sure that is not the case here, believe it or not.

My husband (partner of 20 years) didn’t have anxiety but did say that the relationship made him unhappy so he was leaving because it made him an angry dad. It wasn’t the relationship though, he has temper issues, he couldn’t see that

If you want to get him back then you need to Google 'relationship 180.'

I do think he's very clearly having an affair though OP. People don't delete messages unless they've something to hide. They don't suddenly have meals out with work friends they've only just mentioned.

Dont let him play you. Take. Control.